For example, "rub me the wrong way". Is it me, or is that sort of pervy? Like the implication that the way that you're rubbing me now is doing absolutely nothing for me, but if you were rubbing me in a better way, whoa, Nellie. Gross, right? And not just because the "whoa, Nellie" reference sort of implies that I have a Catherine the Great fetish for horses. Which I totally don't. No offense.
And actually, "no offense" is another one. When, would you say, is a good time to use it? I have a friend of size who says that it really annoys him when someone will be telling a story and say, "yeah, so this fat guy, no offense, goes to the bakery." I understand why it is annoying to my friend, but I dont understand why someone would feel compelled to say it in the first place.
OMG Im typing this on Husbandrinkas laptop and one of the keys just flew off. Can you guess which one? I wonder if hell notice (he will, that is, not Hades) and if hell blame me. FUME. I did nothing wrong, I was just typing along. You are my witness, ok? Maybe Ill convice him that contractions are a part of the right wing conspiracy or something. If you dont hear from me soon, send help. Hold on, Im going to switch computers.
Anyway. My seven year old son recently started saying "no offense". At first I thought that it was adorable, the way he would say, "No offense, mom, but I am full." It sounded so grown up and polite.
But then last weekend I overheard him explaining to a friend how to use the phrase. He said, "It's when you say something rude, but you don't want the other person's feelings to be hurt."
Makes perfect sense.
Except, when exactly does THAT happen?
"God, you're a fucking moron. No offense."
"Hey, have you considered a complete facial reconstruction? No offense."
"Are you wearing a strap-on ass? Because, no offense, but I didn't think it could get that big."
But the fun thing about "no offense" is that everyone is programmed to say "none taken" when they hear it.
"I am going to have you killed. No offense."
Really? The next time that someone says that to you, why not say, "You know, I am offended. Being killed would really hurt my feelings and is just not ok with me. Now, let me rub you the right way."