I interrupt my previously scheduled blog break
No one flies worse than I do.
Yesterday morning, we flew from Newark to North Carolina to visit with my inlaws.
The flight was two hours.
As soon as we board the flight, the captain, who looks like he could be my 7 year old's classmate, apologizes for it being so hot on the plane, but he felt that it would give us a good preview of the climate in hell. Or, more accurately, it was hot because the "back engine isn't working, but we don't need it to fly." WHAT? I'm no aerodynamics expert, but have I been wrong all these years in assuming that back engines are not purely ornamental? At the very least, they're "back up", right?
So, then he announces that "Miss Courtney" is our flight attendant and that if we have any requests, we should direct them to her. Yes, my request is that the flight attendant not have a name tht suggests that she's running a whorehouse, please. And a working back engine, if you can swing it.
Then we go through the emergency evacuation speech and I notice that I'm the only one who's paying attention. Which of course makes me feel like I'm responsible for everyone's safety if something should happen. Just their physical salvation, of course, because I'm pretty sure that the guy across the aisle from me, gripping the Bible, will take care of the spiritual part.
And in the middle of "if you need to evacuate the plane" spiel, which always sounds a bit like what if mid-flight you suddenly realize that you forgot to pack your favorite pair of PJs and need to deplane, I get the same thought that I always get on the plane. I tap my husband on the shoulder, "I want to put the life vest on now," I tell him. Because really? All those directions about how to do it are so freaking confusing to me and I generally need practice with most garments, so I can't imagine that in an emergency I'll get it right on the first try. Seriously, all kidding aside, doesn't it make sense to travel in the life vest so that that's one less thing that you have to worry about? And do you know what my soulmate says to me?
Not: "That's an excellent idea, love of my life, thank you for suggesting it."
Not: "Your mind is exactly what this country needs. Goodness knows how many lives you've just saved!"
Not: "How someone can be so gorgeous, kind-hearted, smart and practical is beyond me!"
Not Even: "The chances of a crash are so low,I don't think it's necessary."
This is what he said: "Go ahead, if you want to look ridiculous."
Is it me, or are the divorce papers writing themselves?
Yeah, we'll see who looks ridiculous as the plane is kamikazing towards the Hudson, and I am the only one who can enjoy my whole life flashing before my eyes without the distraction of struggling with the vest.
By the way, how come the life vests come only in orange? Because it sort of clashes with my freckles.
Labels: fellow traveller