Monday, September 15, 2008

Why I am Not the Worst Mom

The Good Enough Mama had a post last week about why she is not the worst mom and she invited her readers to validate their own motherhood on their blogs. And yes, I could have written that sentence even more awkwardly, but I had to stop somewhere.

I am not one to step away from such a challenge. Even if it means that I had to cut down my list of a million reasons to ten.

But I did it. Because not only am I not the worst mom, I am not the worst blog reader.

1. I get my hair done regularly. I will not embarrass my children in front of their friends by having dark roots.

2. I reward good behavior. For example, one night I gave my son $4 to shut the hell up and go to sleep. This is how I combine Dr. Spock, that freak Ferber and capitalism. I should really give seminars in this.

3. I do not shove religion down my children's throats. As a matter of fact, when my daughter (at the time 6 years old) told me that "god" was "a little snail" because her Russian-accented grandfather told her that, I did not panic because I knew that he was talking about "escar-god". Surely, this doesn't mean that I run a godless household.

4. I cut down on my kids' sweets consumption by pre-eating many of their snacks. Better me than them, I say.

5. I know both of my children's names. And their middle names. That's four names total, if you're doing some kind of a freak audit.

6. Thanks to my kids and their womb and stomach stretching attitude in utero, I no longer wear a bikini. Do I wake them up in the middle of the night to yell at them about that? No, I do not.

7. When my kids were little, I never made them wear one of those Mommy drinks because I cry t-shirts.

8. Once when I was about to watch General Hospital and my daughter fell and split her chin open, bleeding all over the place. I took her to the emergency room, even though it was Cliffhanger Friday.

9. We are going to North Carolina next weekend and when my son asked, "do they use Euros there?" I said, "no, they use dollars." Instead of saying "yes, euros," and then posting about it on my blog in a mocking fashion.

10. Regarding number 2, above? Some night (ahem, tonight), I would give my son $5 million. This shows that I am flexible and fully in tune with market conditions.

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Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

Ha! I now know that I am not the worst mom ever because I know and remember (most of the time) my four children's names and middle names. My husband mostly has no idea whose middle name is whose, but does remember the correct middle names. He knows the girl's name, just 'cause it's the only girl name. The boy's confuse him.

I was like, "why wouldn't they use Euros?", then I realized you were talking about the States.

September 15, 2008 at 8:40 AM  
Blogger Heinous said...

That's a great list. Escar-god, that must be sorta like the Eucharist except chewier.

September 15, 2008 at 10:21 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

You really should do seminars. That money for quiet thing is genius! I would do it if I didn't think my toddlers would just eat the money. Although that would probably keep them quiet for a while...

September 15, 2008 at 10:32 AM  
Blogger ms. changes pants while driving said...

totally genius. if i ever have kids, i'm totally going to pay them to go to sleep.

with monopoly money.

ps, what the EFF BOMB is with google's word verification lately? i get an F in the word verification department. it's either wwwirt, or wvwirt. why so confusing?

September 15, 2008 at 1:42 PM  
Blogger ms. changes pants while driving said...


September 15, 2008 at 1:43 PM  
Blogger Manager Mom said...

Hi. My name is Manager Mom. Nice to meet you. Can we go drinking and you give me some more of these great tips?

September 15, 2008 at 3:42 PM  
Blogger jen said...

why, you definitely win a good mom award in my book!

paying for should write a book. i needed that information years ago. stella was all, "stickers, WTF? nyc mommy gives money."

September 15, 2008 at 4:04 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I found you through Wendi Aarons and I am now a subscriber. I'm a former NYer, wishing I was still a NYer but can't leave L.A. b/c of my ex husband and this thing they call "custody". I am subscribing right now. Yes, I have a blog and yes, I would love you to read it ( but whether you do or you don't, you've made me a fan

September 15, 2008 at 5:09 PM  
Blogger PsychMamma said...

You should definitely win some Mommy of the Year award. Or be nominated for sainthood.

P.S. I LOVE the pay-for-sleep idea and will probably steal it.

September 15, 2008 at 5:12 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

I looked forward to reading you all day today and I wasn't disappointed. Now I have to go and let my chldren get up from naps. Can I pay them enough to nap until they are five?

September 15, 2008 at 5:54 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

Hilarious! And is there a "Daddy drinks because I cry" shirt? Because if so I might need to get one.

September 15, 2008 at 6:32 PM  
Blogger Delusional Girl said...

Man, I just bribe my kid with the Thomas the Train wall stickers if he sleeps in HIS OWN bed for at least half the night. Dang, maybe I should try quarters. Wait, he knows dollars are better. Crap, way to go broke.

September 15, 2008 at 7:27 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Bribing is essential to parenting, if you ask me.

September 15, 2008 at 8:47 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Kylie--it's very unfair of you to trick your husband by having three sons. I don't see how he can be expected to keep up!

Heinous--sacrilege! Delicious, yes, but sacrilege!

Kate--Yes, I think I will pursue it. I'll have to quit my job first, of course, but I believe in my self and I'm pretty sure that I can pull it off.

Ms.--I agree about the Blogger thing. It takes me three times sometimes, and I swear it mocks me!

Manager Mom--absolutely! I'll be waiting at the bar.

Jen--lol at Stella! Yes, I should write a book. It will be very short, "throw money at your kids" but then again, I won't be paid by the word.

Bernthis--I'm glad you found me! I love Wendi and I enjoyed visiting your blog!

Psychmamma--ok, but if the next generation is money obsessed, don't blame me. At least they'll be well rested!

Anymommy--wow, that was weird, I thought you wrote "get my children up from their naps." You must never wake a sleeping child. This will be in my book.

Mike--great news, I think they have the whole "family is on the way to rehab" line of shirts!

Delusional Girl--Yes, I tried subtler forms, but then decided to go with straight cash.

Aunt Becky--Bribing? Who said anything about bribing?

September 15, 2008 at 9:34 PM  
Blogger Mama Ginger Tree said...


That's all I got right now.

September 15, 2008 at 11:23 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

okay, you DO rock. you f-ing rock.

September 16, 2008 at 7:06 AM  
Blogger Tracey said...

You certainly DO rock as a Mom! Excellent list.

September 16, 2008 at 2:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't eat my kids snacks to cut down on their sugar intake. I prescreen everything to make sure it isn't tainted. You know, totally looking out for just them.

GH on a Friday...fuhgettaboutit...the kid would have bled in my house.

September 16, 2008 at 5:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love this. I am all about the pre-eating of snacks!

September 16, 2008 at 9:43 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

re #6: I haven't woke my kids up to yell about my stretch marks in months. Does that count?

September 16, 2008 at 10:18 PM  
Blogger Gayle said...

Holy hell. You are funny. And I am right up there with that whole mom-of-the-year-snack-eatin'-beer-drinking-payin'-the-kids-off attitude!! So cool!

September 18, 2008 at 4:15 AM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

Very funny list! Especially liked the one about paying them to shut up. I must steal this brilliant idea from you soon.

(btw, I stumbled this post)

September 20, 2008 at 7:07 AM  
Blogger Christine said...

Here I was patting myself on the back for not being the worst mom because I have not yet cursed this school year while assisting my kids with their homework, and then you come along with this impressive list of achievements. Thanks for the laugh!

September 18, 2009 at 12:05 PM  

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