Why I am Not the Worst Mom

The Good Enough Mama had a post last week about why she is not the worst mom and she invited her readers to validate their own motherhood on their blogs. And yes, I could have written that sentence even more awkwardly, but I had to stop somewhere.

I am not one to step away from such a challenge. Even if it means that I had to cut down my list of a million reasons to ten.

But I did it. Because not only am I not the worst mom, I am not the worst blog reader.

1. I get my hair done regularly. I will not embarrass my children in front of their friends by having dark roots.

2. I reward good behavior. For example, one night I gave my son $4 to shut the hell up and go to sleep. This is how I combine Dr. Spock, that freak Ferber and capitalism. I should really give seminars in this.

3. I do not shove religion down my children's throats. As a matter of fact, when my daughter (at the time 6 years old) told me that "god" was "a little snail" because her Russian-accented grandfather told her that, I did not panic because I knew that he was talking about "escar-god". Surely, this doesn't mean that I run a godless household.

4. I cut down on my kids' sweets consumption by pre-eating many of their snacks. Better me than them, I say.

5. I know both of my children's names. And their middle names. That's four names total, if you're doing some kind of a freak audit.

6. Thanks to my kids and their womb and stomach stretching attitude in utero, I no longer wear a bikini. Do I wake them up in the middle of the night to yell at them about that? No, I do not.

7. When my kids were little, I never made them wear one of those Mommy drinks because I cry t-shirts.

8. Once when I was about to watch General Hospital and my daughter fell and split her chin open, bleeding all over the place. I took her to the emergency room, even though it was Cliffhanger Friday.

9. We are going to North Carolina next weekend and when my son asked, "do they use Euros there?" I said, "no, they use dollars." Instead of saying "yes, euros," and then posting about it on my blog in a mocking fashion.

10. Regarding number 2, above? Some night (ahem, tonight), I would give my son $5 million. This shows that I am flexible and fully in tune with market conditions.