Woman Stuff

And I don't mean Sarah Palin. Although, seriously? I so would have hated her in high school. And yes, I'm sexist and everything, blah blah blah, but was anyone else sort of expecting her to rip off her glasses and shake out her hair and straddle Giuliani? Please. Like she's going to straddle him with her glasses on. Ok, so I just threw the straddling stuff in there to be inflammatory, but what are you supposed to do once you rip off your glasses and shake out your hair? Because I totally could see that.

But anyway.

This morning I woke up with the most horrendous cramps and I remembered that once during my annual physical, I told my ob/gyn that I had bad menstrual cramps and he said "What do you take for it?" and I said "Tylenol" and he said "That doesn't really help, you should take ____". Except instead of "____", he said the name of the medicine that I should take, but apparently that's the part where I had a mini-stroke and blanked out entirely and focused instead on the cross section representation of a pregnant woman in his office. And how I've been pregnant twice and at no time did a doctor ever take the model down and show me anything on it. And if they don't do it while you're pregnant, I can't imagine them ever doing, so what the hell is it there for? Apparently, it does double duty as a paperweight. Nice. Like pregnant women don't feel heavy enough without having their model used in this debasing manner.

So, I was thinking this morning how it may be nice for me to find out what medicine my doctor really recommends for menstrual cramps before, you know, I hit menopause, and how I should really call him or send him an email or something.

I mean, I've sent him emails before. I even came across one recently, from eight years ago, when I was eight months pregnant. It went something like this:

Hi!I think I'm labor! Thanks! Marinka Pregnantinka


and he wrote back:

Do not email when you are in labor, call the office.

And I've certainly called him before. Like the time that I was on Weight Watchers and despite shaving my legs and getting a hair cut, the weight just wasn't coming off and I called to see how much weight I would lose if my uterus were removed. I mean, it was part of a general conversation about "how remember that time that I emailed you about being in labor? Crazy stuff, huh, by the way if someone gets their uterus removed, well, mostly women, I guess, ha ha. So, if it happens, how much weight would she lose? This woman, I mean? What? A few ounces? That's it? Well, what if her uterus was like made of steel? Well, they say 'ovaries of steel', how much of a stretch is a uterus of steel? Whatever, I was just curious, about science and stuff. Like Einstein. Ok, yes, Merry Christmas to you, too, doctor! Thanks!"