This morning I woke up with the most horrendous cramps and I remembered that once during my annual physical, I told my ob/gyn that I had bad menstrual cramps and he said "What do you take for it?" and I said "Tylenol" and he said "That doesn't really help, you should take ____". Except instead of "____", he said the name of the medicine that I should take, but apparently that's the part where I had a mini-stroke and blanked out entirely and focused instead on the cross section representation of a pregnant woman in his office. And how I've been pregnant twice and at no time did a doctor ever take the model down and show me anything on it. And if they don't do it while you're pregnant, I can't imagine them ever doing, so what the hell is it there for? Apparently, it does double duty as a paperweight. Nice. Like pregnant women don't feel heavy enough without having their model used in this debasing manner.
So, I was thinking this morning how it may be nice for me to find out what medicine my doctor really recommends for menstrual cramps before, you know, I hit menopause, and how I should really call him or send him an email or something.
I mean, I've sent him emails before. I even came across one recently, from eight years ago, when I was eight months pregnant. It went something like this:
Hi!I think I'm labor! Thanks! Marinka Pregnantinka
and he wrote back:
Do not email when you are in labor, call the office.
And I've certainly called him before. Like the time that I was on Weight Watchers and despite shaving my legs and getting a hair cut, the weight just wasn't coming off and I called to see how much weight I would lose if my uterus were removed. I mean, it was part of a general conversation about "how remember that time that I emailed you about being in labor? Crazy stuff, huh, by the way if someone gets their uterus removed, well, mostly women, I guess, ha ha. So, if it happens, how much weight would she lose? This woman, I mean? What? A few ounces? That's it? Well, what if her uterus was like made of steel? Well, they say 'ovaries of steel', how much of a stretch is a uterus of steel? Whatever, I was just curious, about science and stuff. Like Einstein. Ok, yes, Merry Christmas to you, too, doctor! Thanks!"