Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Sarah Palin: My sister in Creationism Studies.

I am sick and tired of people criticizing Sarah Palin for saying that creationism should be taught in school. As science. Together with evolution.

Because if I were a teacher (and you can bet I drop to my knees on a daily basis, thanking the Good Lord that I am not), I would be pushing creationism so hard, separation of church and state be damned to the seventh circle of hell. Amen.

Why? Because I don't know what the hell evolution is all about. I realized this last year, when my son asked me where people came from.

Let me take you back:

Son: Mommy, where do people come from?

Marinka: Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much-

Son: That's disgusting. But I mean, the first person. Where did he come from?

Marinka: I have no idea. I'm not that old, ha ha.

Son: ::blink::

Marinka: Well, there are several theories.

Son: What are theories?

Marinka: Ideas. Theories are ideas.

Son: Like when I had the theory that I could have two costumes for Halloween and you said "no, that's stupid and expensive?"

Marinka: Sort of...

Son: So, people? Where did the first guy come from?

Marinka: Well, one theory said that he came from apes. Or gorillas.

Son: Like at the zoo?

Marinka: Sort of. But he didn't just come from an ape, or a gorilla. It's more like they had a relative in common.

Son: Like Uncle Joey is the relative that daddy and I have in common?

Marinka: Ok.

Son: So, did this relative turn the ape into a person?

Marinka: Let me tell you about another theory.

Son: ::blink, blink::

Marinka: The other theory is that God created man in his own image and also a woman.

Son: What is "God"?

Marinka: You know, that guy who created everyone. He's sort of in charge.

Son: Someone is in charge? Is he like your boss?

Marinka: Not really, because we don't really believe in him.

Son: What does that mean?

Marinka: I don't know. Want to watch "Pokemon"?

Son: Yes!

And if you ask me, the whole Creationism angle just lays a good foundation for the rest of their academic studies.

For example, there are the potential problems that I foresee and my Sarah-approved explanations:

Daughter: Mommy, geometry is so hard, and doesn't make sense.

Marinka: The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Son: I don't get photosynthesis. How does it work?

Marinka: It's a miracle.

See? Useful and practical!

Sure, I am risking eternal damnation, but I am sure that any parent faced with kids' homework will agree that it's a small price to pay!


Anonymous AMomTwoBoys said...

Dude. I worship at the alter of Darwin, so I'll be more than happy to give your kids a lesson on evolution. With pictures and stuff.

OR, you could stick with your way and take a little family vacation to the Creation Museum.

September 2, 2008 at 7:24 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

spend a day in kindergarten - you'll be making up all KINDS of shit.

hee hee

September 2, 2008 at 7:47 PM  
Blogger binks said...

I LOVE IT!! Where do I sign the petition?

@vodka mom
You made juice come out of my nose, but I guess you are used to that.

September 2, 2008 at 7:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some of my kids take biology and learn about evolution. But they all still believe in creationism. I know because I regularly hear "Oh my God, I was supposed to study for that, wasn't I?"

@Vodka Mom
What do you mean kindergarten? I teach high school freshmen and the questions they ask still have me making shit up all the time.

Damn...I guess I'm what's wrong with education in America.

September 2, 2008 at 9:04 PM  
Blogger ms. changes pants while driving said...

i read that first part about creationism, and i was all.... oh no. she's going to start talking all creationism.

and then i fell in love with you a little more.

September 2, 2008 at 10:53 PM  
Blogger Kristine said...

Actually if anyone actually looked at Darwin's work, he never said humans were decended from apes...he said people adapt to their environment and called it evolution...If your second toe (pointer toe as I like to call it) is longer than your big toe, it's a form of evolution - makes for better balance.

So you can believe in both evolution AND creationism.

September 3, 2008 at 11:07 AM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

You are my new personal hero. Can we be BFF?

September 3, 2008 at 11:56 AM  
Blogger jen said...

love it.
i especially love the pokemon distraction. i am all about distraction techniques during difficult q and a sessions.

by the way...you are invited to my bloggy party...c'mon over! thanks for inspiring me to keep laughing!

September 3, 2008 at 12:14 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

A mom two boys--thanks for the offer! I'm sending my kids over right now. Fortunately, because the world is flat, I know that they won't fall off.

Vodka Mom--Ha! No wonder no child don't get no left behind!

Binks-- ;)

Insta-mom--my favorite is when people say "you may be descended from an ape, God made me."

Pants Changer--ha!

Kristine--but my pointer toe (love that, btw) is shorter than my big toe. Does that mean I am not evolved? (scratches self, falls over)

Aunt Becky--Yes! There is a small annual fee for BFF, so as soon as I receive that, we're on our way!

Jen--I so agree about distractions!
I'm on my way to claim what's mine! Thanks!

September 3, 2008 at 1:26 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

I love this post! So funny.

I put my own Sarah Palin post up yesterday and almost clicked past your blog when I read your headline. I'm so glad I didn't.

September 3, 2008 at 2:55 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

"The Lord works in mysterious ways." I may never recover from that one. Never.

Don't forget: 'Mom, I hate you, you're the meanest mom in the world.' But, darling God made me in his image, and therefore I am perfect.

September 3, 2008 at 5:37 PM  
Anonymous Lawyer Mom said...

Intelligent design requires the willing suspension of disbelief. And being creative is GOOD. The sexual abstinence doctrine brings good things, too. Grandchildren are good things. As long as you don't think my kid is my grandkid, I'm happy. Linear, logical thinking is overrated anyway.

September 3, 2008 at 7:44 PM  
Blogger therapydoc said...

A great post, and that teacher joke, so well done.

September 4, 2008 at 12:04 AM  
Blogger Z said...

Hm, I'm more of a Flying Spaghetti Monster girl myself... All that tenticle-y goodness, plus it's yummy to eat!

September 4, 2008 at 9:35 AM  
Blogger Sonya said...

love that conversation! Almost as priceless as when my, then 5 year old, daughter visited the church I attended as a child and came home to tell me they all prayed to a man named Cheezus and then he talked to all the kids. Mom woulda loved that one....the heathens I'm raising my children to be.

September 6, 2008 at 11:59 AM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

I, too, almost skipped this post because of the title. SO glad I didn't-- it's hysterical!!!!!!!

September 9, 2008 at 9:09 AM  

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