Don't Look So Glum! McCain & Palin are Full of Aplomb!

Ok, I never said that I was a Poet Laureate, so what do you expect?

I am a mom, and as a mom, I know a lot about making rhyme and reason out of nonsense, so I think that qualifies me to write a line of poetry as the title of my post. I'm sorry if it doesn't measure up to your elisit-liberal arts college English major expectations.

Anyway.

I thought that I would consolidate all my political thoughts into this post to get it out of my system. So, it's like two mini-posts for the price of one. Because I'm sensitive to this economic climate. And if I see a blogger who only gives you one post, I will make them famous and you will know their name. Seriously, when McCain says that he will make these people famous? Does he mean "infamous"? Because I'm imagining him on the phone, saying "Can we get Jim on Oprah? That would be fantastic exposure! No. How about Ellen?"

First:

Ten Reasons Why a McCain/Palin Administration is not the end of the world. (OMG, hold on a second while I bandage my wrists. Typing "McCain/Palin Administration" was a bit more than I could take).


1. Guaranteed job security for Jon Stewart. Come on, it was great with Bush, the Daily Show will now be twice the fun!

2. Ditto for Tina Fey.

3. Tritto for mental health professionals who will be seeing us round the clock.

4. Tired of that pregnancy coin toss? Should I abort this baby or not? I mean, we've all been there--on the one hand, a life, but on the other hand, eh. Good news! No more Roe v. Wade to worry about.

5. Think of all the time/resources we will save in meetings with world leaders because John McCain will be able to look them in the eye and instantly assess the situation. (This wouldn't be the right place to express concern about his hallucinating letters in Putin's eyes, right?)

6. Kids clamoring for a trip to Europe after college or an extra sweet treat? Excuse me, but that's not our culture!

7. Err...

8. Hmm...

9. Cindy will give us some money?

10. Come on, who isn't looking forward to following the wedded life of Bristol and Levi? By the way, do you think that Bristol will keep her maiden name?

Second:

Comments That My Kids Made While Watching the Friday Night Debate

The old guy is ugly and his tie is stupid.

Obama has big teeth.

Who is winning?

Are they allowed to lie during this thing?

This is boring.

Is the ugly guy holding a Sharpie? I want a Sharpie too. We have them at school.

Why does someone so old want to be President?

Is George Bush still alive? WHAT? How can the first President still be alive? Oh. You're a buttbrain, yourself.

Look, they're interrupting each other. TIme out!

I need to know more vocabulary words.

We are in the middle of TWO WARS?!

Is it almost over?

When is the election?

At least if the ugly guy wins, Obama will get to be Vice President.

Well, "Mc-c-ain" is hard to pronounce! Ugly guy, ugly guy, ugly guy!

Can we watch "Suite Life on Deck" instead?

Who do you like better, Zach or Cody?

Does this last like forever?

Ooh, a bracelet! Where's the bracelet?

I want to go to sleep.

Don't they want to go to sleep?

You Think You Know Someone, Part Whatever

Recently Kirsten, who goes by the deceptively endearing moniker Mama Ginger Tree recently commented on this blog that she is starting to feel sorry for Husbandrinka. Fortunately, I believe in the freedom of speech and am accepting of comments that suggest that my Husband is unfortunate to be married to me, imply that I tricked him into said marriage and simultaneously placed a gun to his head and that perhaps I should be murdered in my sleep or maybe forced to watch The View on an endless loop. Does my open-mindedness have no end? Only the autopsy will tell us for sure, of course, but for now Kirsten is DeadToMe. As a matter of fact, I may start calling her Kristen. Or Jennifer.

If there are other readers who feel that Husbandrinka is unduly burdened by our matrimony, or that I am, oh, what's the word? A neurotic blogger, please speak up now.

What? No one else? The rest of us are on my side? Great. Because Husbandrinka and I had a conversation on Monday morning, after I read the news about Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan becoming bank holding companies that was mildly disturbing. Sure, some people may think that the recent economic news is disturbing enough, but please understand that a national crisis is no time to let our guard down against personal miscommunication. And sure, some blog reading traitors might think that I was unfair in leading him on, but those of you who are my very favorites understand the truth. I'm not sure what the truth is, but because my favorite readers and I understand it so well, it's not necessary to insult anyone's intelligence and spell it out. And by the way, your hair looks great today. You should totally let Kristie know where you had it done.

Anyway, this is us, discussing the Financial News.


Me: So, what's this latest financial crisis?

H: Well, blah blah blah, after the Depression, blah, regulation, blah blah, but now, bank, blah, Doom & Gloom.

M: I don't know. I'm going to wait to hear what Sarah Palin has to say before I decide what to think.

H: You kidding? She knows nothing about bank regulation.

M: I'm so tired of your sexism. As fellow mothers, she and I totally relate to each other, and I look to her to guide me in this matter.

H: It's not sexism-

M: Sexism, misogyny, I can't get into your elitist distinctions. All I know is that she is someone that I want to have a beer with. Maybe a six pack.

H: ...

M: And stop implying that because she has an unwed teenage daughter while preaching family values that she is a hypocrite. She will lead us out of this financial crisis, like Moses led the Jews out of Egypt.

H: ...

M: So what if she doesn't have foreign experience? As a mother, she has experience that has been devalued by the patriarchy and John McCain and I are fully committed to eradicating it. After we reinterpret the Constitution, of course.

H: I'm not falling for this, you know.

M: Speaking of the fall from grace, I think it's about time that we addressed America's Garden of Eden problem.

H: I'm not listening.

M: And neither did Adam and Eve. How can Paradise ever be ours if our leaders don't reclaim it?

H: You know you're Jewish, right?

M: Does that mean that I can't wear lipstick?

H: ...

M: I rest my case. By the way, do you think that many people will dress up as Sarah Palin on Halloween?

H: Probably.

M: Do you want to dress up as Sarah Palin?

H: No.

M: Do you think that I should?

H: No.

M: Misogyny again?

H: Yes.

M: Should I blog about this?

H: I don't care.

M: Everyone is on my side, you know.

H: I don't care.

M: On my side and on Sarah Palin's.

H: We're not talking about this.

M: Censorship, eh? Sarah Palin and I do not believe in censorship. I mean, sometimes we're curious about what would happen if we tried to censor someone, or burn a few books, but generally- hey! Why are you pressing the "mute" button on the remote? The TV's not on. Stop pointing that thing at my mouth-