Tuesday, September 30, 2008

No Offense

There are expressions that really rub me the wrong way.

For example, "rub me the wrong way". Is it me, or is that sort of pervy? Like the implication that the way that you're rubbing me now is doing absolutely nothing for me, but if you were rubbing me in a better way, whoa, Nellie. Gross, right? And not just because the "whoa, Nellie" reference sort of implies that I have a Catherine the Great fetish for horses. Which I totally don't. No offense.

And actually, "no offense" is another one. When, would you say, is a good time to use it? I have a friend of size who says that it really annoys him when someone will be telling a story and say, "yeah, so this fat guy, no offense, goes to the bakery." I understand why it is annoying to my friend, but I dont understand why someone would feel compelled to say it in the first place.

OMG Im typing this on Husbandrinkas laptop and one of the keys just flew off. Can you guess which one? I wonder if hell notice (he will, that is, not Hades) and if hell blame me. FUME. I did nothing wrong, I was just typing along. You are my witness, ok? Maybe Ill convice him that contractions are a part of the right wing conspiracy or something. If you dont hear from me soon, send help. Hold on, Im going to switch computers.

Anyway. My seven year old son recently started saying "no offense". At first I thought that it was adorable, the way he would say, "No offense, mom, but I am full." It sounded so grown up and polite.

But then last weekend I overheard him explaining to a friend how to use the phrase. He said, "It's when you say something rude, but you don't want the other person's feelings to be hurt."


Makes perfect sense.

Except, when exactly does THAT happen?

"God, you're a fucking moron. No offense."

"Hey, have you considered a complete facial reconstruction? No offense."

"Are you wearing a strap-on ass? Because, no offense, but I didn't think it could get that big."

But the fun thing about "no offense" is that everyone is programmed to say "none taken" when they hear it.

"I am going to have you killed. No offense."

"None taken!"

Really? The next time that someone says that to you, why not say, "You know, I am offended. Being killed would really hurt my feelings and is just not ok with me. Now, let me rub you the right way."



Blogger Mama Ginger Tree said...

You want to know what phrase really chaps my hide?


Oh, OK.

September 30, 2008 at 1:11 AM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

Okay, I just have to say I love your little tangent in the middle. When FIL was staying with us, he broke the spacebar on our keyboard. Let me tell you how much that sucked.

And I'm reminded of Ricky Bobby here. "but I said 'No offence'!"

Happy Rosh Hashannah!

September 30, 2008 at 4:44 AM  
Blogger wfbdoglover said...

Maybe you are missing the letter J - same as me? Mine flew off too an my husband of coarse blames me - no offense he says.

September 30, 2008 at 8:39 AM  
Anonymous sdl said...

I love using "no offense" ironically, though. It's fun to say something patently offensive and then tack on "no offense".

September 30, 2008 at 9:04 AM  
Blogger wfbdoglover said...

I left you a meme on my blog.

September 30, 2008 at 9:16 AM  
Anonymous Alias Mother said...

I think the people who say, "No offense" are the same ones who describe themselves as a "straight shooter" who doesn't "sugar coat." My babelfish interprets that as, "I am a complete asshole and feel I am above the common societal rules of politeness and tact. No offense."

September 30, 2008 at 10:28 AM  
Blogger Schmutzie said...

You are being featured on Intrepid Tuesday:

September 30, 2008 at 1:05 PM  
Blogger Z said...

I'm taking mental note of what not to say to you tonight... Hmmm... Perhaps I'll pretend to be mute? Or perhaps just stay away from the annoying cliches...

Anyways - can't wait to meet you! :)

September 30, 2008 at 1:47 PM  
Blogger Heinous said...

A stapler will put that key right back in place and he'll be none the wiser.

Glad to hear about your lack of horse affection too. I use no offense all the time. But just to irritate people. Just like when I use quotes from famous people so I can offend them with other people's words.

September 30, 2008 at 1:53 PM  
Blogger Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

No offense but I use the phrase no offense a lot! lol! It's true I do...but not when I talk about Fat people...because that would be rude! :) lol!

September 30, 2008 at 5:09 PM  
Blogger melissa said...

i hate it when people say "i'm sorry." that is usually a good thing unless they are saying it incorrectly. for instance, you accidently bump into someone - "i'm sorry" - no you aren't - it was an accident, why are you sorry. say excuse me. ok, maybe not the perfect example, but have you noticed men never say i'm sorry and women are sorry for everything? like bumping into you, saying the wrong thing, whatever but it is a mindless response- "I'm sorry"- pay attention, you will notice it too...

ok- that was a tangent...

September 30, 2008 at 7:01 PM  
Blogger Me said...

Is it ok to say to your boyfriend...

"I never date hot guys, no offense, but it's just too much pressure and they make me nervous"

Just keeps them in check don't you think? :)

September 30, 2008 at 7:30 PM  
Anonymous kia (good enough mama) said...

"To be honest..." <---implying that you usually lie??? WTF?

Just for shits and giggles, you rub me the RIGHT way, baby!! Is that offensive? Oh, sorry. No offense. None taken, either. Honestly.

September 30, 2008 at 8:51 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

Oh I agree. "No offense" is completely offensive. When I was a teenager, I think I used the phrase "no offense" about 15 times a day. Must have driven my mother mad.

September 30, 2008 at 9:01 PM  
Anonymous Lawyer Mom said...

Said to another, "with all due respect" means you accord them none whatsoever, and believe them to be completely devoid of logic and reason.

September 30, 2008 at 9:03 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

i'm laughing my ASS off. no offense. the one I strapped on.

hahahah.. i love you.

September 30, 2008 at 9:18 PM  
Blogger Sonya said...

LOL, my 13 yo used that phrase a lot last year. I started using it right back at her, in the way she was using it, and she realized, yeah, there was an offense. TG she stopped because it annoyed the heck outta me!

Anyway, I also busted out over your keyboard incident. I popped off one of my laptop keys this summer and had to spend the next 4 weeks with it broken while I waited to be able to use my arm again (broken elbow) because I'm the only one that can fix anything around here...not hard to fix if you've got 2 hands.

September 30, 2008 at 9:55 PM  
Blogger Me said...

The other one I hate is when people say "do you want to know the truth?"... to which I have to reply "no I want you to lie to me again".

October 1, 2008 at 12:00 PM  
Anonymous funny girl said...

In the south we also say "bless her heart" in place of no offense.

"Bless her heart, she thought that eyeshadow was a good idea."

"Bless her heart, she has no idea how those jeans make her look from behind."

"Bless her heart, I'm sure she's doing her best but her children look like they don't even have a mother."

You get the picture.

October 1, 2008 at 12:44 PM  
Blogger wfbdoglover said...

I love it!! Bless her heart, I'm going to start using that one.

Yesterday I got

Mom - no offense to "fellow scout", but he really made me uncomfortable on the campout. WHY you wonder...as I did, well, he used the "F word 28 times and 19 of them were used at someone in particular.

Mom- no offense, but You Do get a little crazy when you get REALLY MAD.

Mon - no offense to so and so... I can't even remember that one because now I'm totally emersed in referring back to this blog. - no offense by the way.

October 1, 2008 at 12:57 PM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

@ Kia - when someone says "To be honest,..." to me, I interrupt them and tell them I always expect them to be honest with me.

The one that bothers me is "my bad." Bad is not a noun, you cannot be in possession of a bad.

October 6, 2008 at 3:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"My bad" actually makes perfect grammatical sense.Bad can be used as a noun and just means that which is bad. I actually kind of like it (in moderation) as it reminds me of a more modern mea culpa!

February 11, 2009 at 10:50 AM  

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