Thursday, November 27, 2008

I'm a Moody Blogger

Today is Thanksgiving and the list of the things that I am thankful for goes on and on and is a real snooze to read. You know, the usual. Tivo, potato chips, the Brangelina-Anniston drama.

I'm not good at the topical holiday posts. I'm a moody blogger and today I'm in the mood to tell you something really important about marriage. This advice is especially useful if you're not yet married. If you made the mistake of getting married before consulting this post, you'll probably want to get an annulment and try again. Of course it'll be hard to get an annulment on Thanksgiving Day, but I don't see how you can possibly blame me for that one.

Ok, here it goes. You know how when you're a kid, and you and your siblings were going somewhere, one of you would call "firsties!" and that created this binding contract that can only be terminated upon death? Well, when you get married, it's really important to call "insanies!" as soon as possible after you're pronounced husband and wife, because if you don't, terrible things will happen.

For example. Last month I had a dream that my husband was looking at some woman (for argument's sake, let's call her a whore) in a way that I didn't like. No, I did not like it one bit. I woke up enraged. I didn't understand how he could betray me like that and the fact that it was a dream and didn't happen in real life was an inconsequential detail.  Sort of like saying "but she was a blonde, and you know I prefer redheads, honey" is a ridiculous defense.  Like now I'm responsible for your bad taste in dreamland?  Don't think so.  

So, I woke up, fuming, and feeling like at the very least, Husbandrinka owed me a huge apology because everyone knows that dreams have meaning and I am a very sensitive person and if he wasn't interested in this dreamgirl, why would I have dreamt it? Or is he trying to say that everyone's dreams have meaning except mine because I'm not as important as other people? Because that doesn't make me feel great, either.    

After a few (dozen) minutes of back and forth on this, Husbandrinka still didn't see why he had to apologize, and was acting all like I'm the crazy one here.  Unbelievable. It's almost like the whole feminist revolution was a huge waste of time or something and I'm a second class citizen. And then he says, "what if I had a dream that you did something?" And I'm all, "Uh-uh.  I called insanies!"  Which means that I get to be the insane one in the relationship and rage about dreams and he has to be the reasonable and practical one.  Because opposites attract and we can't both be getting mad at each other for dreams, it doesn't work like that.  Because that leaves very little time for other things, like doing the dishes.  Which reminds me, after you call "insanies", don't forget to call "not doing dishesies!"

You're welcome.



Blogger Anna Lefler said...

OMG, I SO called insanies INFINITY back in the 70s. Irrevocable. And transferable from first marriage to current (talk about convenient!).

BTW, I just gave you a shout-out over at my "pad"...

Have a fabulous Thanksgiving!

:^) Anna

November 27, 2008 at 3:20 AM  
Blogger jmt said...

You are nuts. LOL I have gotten mad at dreams too!!! I woke up and hit him one time...yeah. I felt bad about that (in the quiet, sane part of my mind), but still had that irking little part that was angry.

November 27, 2008 at 6:46 AM  
Blogger Ann Imig said...

Funny, this morning I was just considering a future post "Things I should've included in my vows" Insanies Infinity AND Complete and Total dream fidelity would fit nicely.

November 27, 2008 at 7:12 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

OMG That made me laugh so HARD! I ALWAYS get mad at hubs after I have a bad dream about him!! He gets mad, but i am PISSED!! Hahaha.

November 27, 2008 at 7:35 AM  
Blogger Rick said...

Sounds like Hubby in dream world gets to do a lot of chasing around, and hubby in the real world has to pay for it. It doesn't quite sound fair to me.

November 27, 2008 at 8:22 AM  
Blogger Everyday Goddess said...

Shame on him! You are a total dream girl!

I hope he makes it up to you with jewelry. And a trip to somewhere fab.

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 27, 2008 at 9:26 AM  
Blogger Sprite's Keeper said...

Ugh, I hate those dreams! It always makes me want to punch the husband when I wake up, although it would help if I told him first why I was punching him.. Nah.
Great post. Like your snark!

November 27, 2008 at 9:57 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I think my wife has the opposite problem. I'm always off doing good deeds and helping the underprivileged in her dreams.

It's hard being a saint, but someone has to do it ;)

November 27, 2008 at 10:08 AM  
Blogger 2 Brits, 2 Yanks, 2 Dogs said...

My BFF were talking about this yesterday not only are you a dream girl you are a mind reader! I have to send her this post right now.

November 27, 2008 at 10:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm very happy that I have had the opportunity to read this ere the whole matriomony thing. I find this advice rather useful. You should definitely look into writing a book. Happy Thanksgiving!

November 27, 2008 at 10:16 AM  
Blogger xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx said...

That totally happens here.

Also? I called insanies while reading this with Hubby. Stupid man is too slow! While I was at it, I also called no-blow-job-ies. :)

November 27, 2008 at 10:33 AM  
Blogger rachel... said...

So good to know I'm not the only lunatic-American who wakes up angry with my husband for some transgression of his in one of my dreams. Also this:

A few days ago, husband brings home a sandwich for me. Instead of thanking him, I scarf it down like a pig, then when I develop horrible indigestion, I accuse him of poisoning me. And it wasn't even a full moon!

Oh yes! I definitely called insanies in this marriage!

November 27, 2008 at 11:13 AM  
Blogger Pseudo said...

Great post, humor is important before a big meal, so much appreciated.

I forgot to call out in my vows that I would be deaf and blind to husband becoming OCD in middle age. Now he follows me around the house wanting to talk about vacuuming.

November 27, 2008 at 11:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

DAMN, I KNEW I was forgetting something in my vows. Do you think I can get an annulment after this many years?

Or maybe I can talk the hubs into a "vow renewal ceremony" and slip it right in there?

November 27, 2008 at 12:26 PM  
Blogger Maura said...

I think calling "insanies" was a verrrrry good idea...

November 27, 2008 at 12:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr. SDL's response when I read this blog entry out loud to him: "So all women are like that?"

Only the smart, sensitive ones, I told him. But we have had arguments in the morning after I dreamed something and woke up mad, so I'm sure it did sound familiar to him on some level.

November 27, 2008 at 12:52 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Haha, I have ABSOLUTELY had dreams where my partner does something that pisses me off & I totally wake up angry for no real reason.
So frustrating :D

November 27, 2008 at 4:06 PM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

Weird. My Love had a similar dream about me and another woman somtime ago. Let's get back at them. You dream about me tonight and I'll dream about you. Dealsies?

November 27, 2008 at 6:49 PM  
Blogger Real Live Lesbian said...

If you only knew how badly I wish that I'd read this yesterday! I need to go wake her up and call "insanities" right now!!!

Great post and Happy Thanksgiving!

November 27, 2008 at 7:33 PM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

Yeah, pisses me off when husband tries to steal my insane thunder. WTF???

November 27, 2008 at 8:46 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

He so obviously owes you an apology.

November 27, 2008 at 10:25 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

You are funny. I haven't had a bought of the insanies during marriage but have had my fair share in life. I hope that you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

November 28, 2008 at 3:23 AM  
Blogger Lucy Filet said...

My husband had one of those weird dreams that are so realistic that he was convinced it really happened (his was about cookies though, don't ask) and it made me laugh so hard because I had just seen this episode of 30 Rock where Tracy was apologizing for something that happened in a dream.

Yeah, I ramble. So what?

November 28, 2008 at 4:04 AM  
Blogger Temple said...

That is like the best advice EVER! I am sooo calling it!

Of course, Matt already knows my Happy Meal is missing some fries...we had the "I'm mad at you about something the dream-you did" issue like months ago. And yet he is still here with me....hmmm, which of us is the wackier?

November 29, 2008 at 10:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I found out the best way to make my husband behave himself in front of his family.

When he starts bitching about how selfish his cousin is, tell him that he's selfish sometimes too. He will spend the rest of the weekend asking you if you need anything and taking the dogs outside. Awesome. And not at all an insane idea to call your husband selfish prior to each family gathering.

December 1, 2008 at 12:04 PM  
Blogger Z said...

and this post is another example of why i love ya... :)

December 3, 2008 at 1:20 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home