Thursday, November 20, 2008

To Be in NYC or Not to Be in NYC, That is the Question

Update: I'm featured on Neurotic Mom!

Recently, I found out that the lovely Kelcey from The Mama Bird Diaries is considering leaving NYC. Something about kids needing trees to climb, but I suspect that she hates me and wants to be as far away from me as possible. Whatever. Not to be one-upped by her, I can now reveal that every once in a while, Husbandrinka and I have conversations about possibly leaving New York City and moving to the suburbs.

I immediately start hyperventilating and then we agree to make a "pro/con" list, and approach it like adults. Like adults who make "pro/con" lists while breathing into a brown paper bag. If "breathing into a brown paper bag" is another way of saying "guzzling vodka."
Invariably, Husbandrinka provides the "pros", I provide the "cons" and our list looks something like this:

Pro: We can live in a house instead of an apartment.
Con: I will instantly become an alcoholic.

Pro: We can have a backyard.
Con: I will dabble in pills, as well.

Pro: We will save a lot of money.
Con: Not with all the booze and dolls that I'll be buying.

Pro: We will have more space--a basement, a cellar!
Con: I will fashion a noose in the basement. Or maybe in the cellar. Probably both.

Pro: Our children will ride their bikes up and down our tree-lined street as our neighbors look on and wave.
Con: Look! My wrists are practically slashing themselves!

Pro: We will get away from the noise of NYC.
Con: What about the noise that is coming from the voices inside my head? You know, the ones chanting ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?

Pro: We don't take advantage of what NYC has to offer.
Con: Exactly! That's how we save money!

Pro: Our kids can have a traditional American childhood.
Con: Shouldn't that go into the "con" column?

Pro: There are a lot of teenagers in the suburbs, so there's plenty of cheap babysitting.
Con: Why are you sitting there instead of packing?!?


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33 Comments:

Blogger anymommy said...

That was so good, I've got nothing. You always do that to me. The last two made me laugh out loud, which hurt my nausea a little. Thanks!

November 20, 2008 at 5:44 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

that was hysterical. :-)

I think the damn grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side- isn't it??? Now, pass me my martini.

November 20, 2008 at 6:42 AM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

Is it too early too tell you that I love you? Is it?

I love you.

November 20, 2008 at 7:39 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Bwahahahahahahah!

Let me disabuse you of that cheap babysitting notion right now. Or that teenagers will actually want to do it. Between football season (central TX, football is a religion on Friday and Saturday nights) and school nights, I can never get a sitter. So really, you should stay where you are.

November 20, 2008 at 8:04 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

I just found you via the neurotic mom...you're great and I give you kudos for being in the big ole' city raising children-believe me when I say, no place is safe anymore. If someone else says otherwise, they're pretty naive..unfortunately!

November 20, 2008 at 9:00 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Aaahh... The grass is always greener! I sometimes fantasize about leave the suburbs for the big city! Maybe we could do a "Wife Swap"? (As in the reality TV show, not in an open marriage/swinging kind of way!)

November 20, 2008 at 9:01 AM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

Aren't there teenagers in NYC? Or are they all expensive babysitters?

My daughter will babysit for the bargain price of 10 zloty an hour (plus plane fare of course). As long as you have no small animals, everything will be fine.

November 20, 2008 at 9:10 AM  
Blogger Braja said...

Marinka, welcome to my freaking life. And yeah, like Vodka Mom said: now pass me my martini, shutup, and get over here. I'll show you life outside the city, honey....

November 20, 2008 at 9:29 AM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

So I need to move to NYC to get away from the alcohol and drug abuse, huh?

November 20, 2008 at 9:44 AM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

I live in the 'burbs and you see what it has done to me. Don't be me.

November 20, 2008 at 9:57 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

We all get together after drop off. Stepford was written about my town after all. We have a legacy to uphold. Standards are important.

November 20, 2008 at 9:58 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

You are living my dream... what I wouldn't GIVE to live in NYC. Even when my husband worked there, we lived in NJ - which truly just isn't the same thing.

Seriously not the same thing.

November 20, 2008 at 10:24 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I love your dialogue with Husbandrinka. And I completely understand your aversion to the idea of the suburbs. I'm currently "living the dream" and let me tell you - the only reason that I currently prefer the burbs is that I have no idea how I would drag my three toddlers from the only city street parking I could find three blocks away to my house (and because the only city neighborhood we could afford would include about ten crack houses along the above mentioned path). Also - where I live - the city schools are terrible. But that's pretty much it. We don't save tons of money and don't have a real yard. The surburbs aren't cheap - and we can only afford a townhouse. If that is the deal in DC - I imagine NYC would be the same or worse. Plus - CON: COMMUTE! I won't even get into that...

November 20, 2008 at 10:29 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I am worried about what dolls you would be buying!

November 20, 2008 at 11:01 AM  
Blogger Heinous said...

Too damn funny. The alcohol really does take the edge off the burbs...

November 20, 2008 at 11:29 AM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

It's not you! It's not you! Well, maybe the tiniest bit but I'm telling you, the other 95% is the tree thing.

If I hightail it to the burbs, I guarantee there will be a lot of drinking involved. But in the suburbs, you have space for your own wet bar!

Thanks for the shout-out. :)

November 20, 2008 at 12:35 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

Picking up the neighbor's dog poop is reason #1 not to do it.

After that, do you even need another reason?

November 20, 2008 at 12:44 PM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

Exactly which suburbs are you moving to that Husbandrinka thinks you'll have a cellar? The Kansas suburbs?

xoxo, SG

November 20, 2008 at 1:57 PM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

Just don't get those weird life like baby dolls. Those are fucking creepy.

November 20, 2008 at 2:15 PM  
Blogger Madge said...

"my wrists are practically slashing themselves" can i use that line sometime?

November 20, 2008 at 5:38 PM  
Blogger Pink in a sea of blue said...

I'm about to pop some pills now in the 'burbs. Stay in the city. I heart NYC! Love your blog! I've got my NYC friend reading it. Love your photos, too!

November 20, 2008 at 7:30 PM  
Blogger Tooj said...

Your humor is great - I always look forward to one of your posts. LOL The traditional American childhood isn't so bad....for most of us. LOL There are those others....

November 20, 2008 at 8:52 PM  
Blogger Kirsten / Mama Ginger Tree said...

It hurt for me to read this. I miss living in the city. My kids babysitters are so boring.

November 20, 2008 at 10:21 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

"My wrists are practically slashing themselves"-- oh my goodness. Wow. Your writing amazes me... in a good way!

November 20, 2008 at 11:32 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

Haha, that's hilarious. If I lived in NYC, I could never imagine leaving it...

November 20, 2008 at 11:35 PM  
Anonymous Daphne@GreenerBiener said...

Found you through Mama Bird Diaries. Thanks for the good laugh this am, who knows? Maybe now I'll be able to make it through my morning in the burbs without 6 vodka tonics...

November 21, 2008 at 10:04 AM  
Blogger Mojo said...

Trust me, the grass is always the greenest over the septic tank. Blah!

It's so refreshing to know I'm not the only person who has zero desire to live in the 'burbs & drive a mini-van, while wearing mom jeans.

November 21, 2008 at 10:16 AM  
Blogger Nap Warden said...

Hey came from Mama Bird. I live in Chicago...can't leave, won't do it...

November 21, 2008 at 10:18 AM  
Blogger Magpie said...

Pro: You can send your kid to the "free" public school.
Con: Your property taxes are more than NYC.
Pro: Your property taxes are less than private school tuition.

Oh, and Sherry-Lehmann delivers, free if you buy enough wine.

November 21, 2008 at 12:34 PM  
Blogger Smart A$$ Mom said...

can I just say....I am in the NYC burbs and I would love to dabble with pills and booze in a cramped apt in The City? Oh, wait that came out all wrong. I am in the Burbs and it's okay. That's all wrong also.

Settle for that post was hysterical.

November 21, 2008 at 1:21 PM  
Blogger PsychMamma said...

That was hilarious. I almost spit my coffee out on my MacBook screen. If my Mac would have been harmed, I might have had to sue you. But since I was laughing, and since you ALWAYS make me laugh, I probably wouldn't have.

We moved away from a large city for many of the pros you listed. Now we want to move back to the city. And all those teenagers in the suburbs/small towns??? I don't know where the heck they are but we rarely see them, and they're definitely not into babysitting, so don't give up the city for that one!

November 21, 2008 at 1:54 PM  
Blogger Z said...

Bwahaha... I can totally see you having this conversation in real life, too! :)

November 25, 2008 at 1:21 PM  
Blogger iMommy said...

I just laughed out loud. You are awesome.

November 29, 2008 at 3:40 PM  

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