Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Popular Extinction

Here is my advice: If you ever come up with an award-winning theory, contact the Nobel committee directly, and don't run it by your spouse first. Especially if you're married to my husband. Because he will make you doubt yourself which in turn will diminish your bliss. Trust me on this.

Recently I came up with a theory that people who were popular in high school are now extinct, like dinosaurs and ...some other things that are extinct. None of the friends that I have now were popular in high school, moreover none of us knows anyone who was popular in high school. I was so excited by my theory that I started preparing the deposit slip for the advance on my award-winning book on the subject and wondering what I was going to wear when I appeared on Oprah.

But then I decided to share the good news.

"Guess what?" I asked Husbandrinka. "I came up with a whole new theory of social relations. Want to hear it?"

"No," he mumbled.

"Haha," I said. "how about after you're awake?"

"No," he said.

Fortunately I'm one of those people who never bought into the whole "no means no" crap that swept college campuses in the 80s. I always look into the person's eyes to see if they really mean "no" or if they are playing hard to get and mean "ok, if you want". Unfortunately, because my husband was sleeping with his soul windows shut closed, I didn't get any special insight into his eyes and was forced to go by what I call my seventh sense. My seventh sense is a gift that allows me to know what people want, despite any visual or verbal cues that they give. I am hoping that New York soon will codify it as a defense, along with insanity, to most crimes.

"Ok, here it is. The people who are popular in high school burn out and are no longer around after college, if they make it that far. That's why we don't know anyone who was popular in high school and none of our friends do either."
"That's stupid," he said. I assume that he was sleep talking.
"You think that I'm wrong?" I challenged.
"I was best friends with Monica and she was the head cheerleader, popular and she's still around."
"How come I haven't seen her in years?"
"Because she's living in Milan."
Oh.
Well, that doesn't mean that she's not extinct. I mean, I haven't been to Milan in years, so maybe it's just code for "a total loser" or something.
"Besides," he is suddenly Mr. Chatty, "have you ever considered that maybe you and all your friends were unpopular kids and now you're unpopular adults so that's why the popular people don't hang out with you?"
"No."
"Something to think about, huh?"
"I guess."
And this is how a dream dies. Or more specifically, gets murdered. I'm thinking of starting a support group.

Labels: ,

31 Comments:

Blogger Kirsten / Mama Ginger Tree said...

Yeah, I hate when theories don't work out. I had this great idea to add all the posts from my archives into my new blog. I thought if I post-dated them they wouldn't show up in people's readers and annoy the crap out of them.

It turns out they do show up in readers and I am a total idiot with five posts my three reader's readers right now.

Damn.

Sorry I can't help with your theory either since I was not popular in high school.

November 18, 2008 at 12:54 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

That is the beauty of Facebook you can look up these high school cheerleaders and find out that Monica is in Milan, but since being there she has eaten far to much pasta and Pizza and has become a grape stomper!

November 18, 2008 at 12:59 AM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

You had me going along with you. I was totally buying it.

And then Husbandrinka ruined it all. I no longer have sympathy for him.

November 18, 2008 at 1:07 AM  
Blogger PinkLizzy said...

See, this is what you get for running such genius theories on inter-personal relationships by a man first. They're bound to squash it with common sense and the like.
Bah!
Can't help you either. I was a loner in school...I like to think that everyone was just overwhelmed by my good looks and ability to read novels the entire way through.
Yah right.

November 18, 2008 at 5:46 AM  
Blogger Wendy said...

I hate to tell you this--some people think there isn't a parade I wouldn't like to rain on because I hate parades--but I was popular in high school.

Sure, it was just after I moved to a new one and the popular cross-country runner guy took a shine to me in driver's ed (all those classes in the backseat while Brian J. tried to parallel park).

But still...popularity by "association" counts, right? Right?

November 18, 2008 at 6:20 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

dream killer. I'm with you on the support group......

November 18, 2008 at 7:01 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

Some of the most popular people in my class are MIA, one is supposedly a "Doctor" in "Alabama." I've never seen Alabama except on a map, I'm pretty sure it's code for cemetery. Also, if that guy's a doctor...may the good lord help his patients, his mother did all his homework in high school!

November 18, 2008 at 8:41 AM  
Blogger Andy said...

Other things that have become extinct:
Dodo birds
Polar bears (give it time)
Leg warmers
American auto makers
VHS pornography

November 18, 2008 at 9:19 AM  
Blogger Marmite Breath said...

I think Husbandrinka should be whacked upside the head. Or, you should take photos of him while he's asleep and post them on your blog. That'll teach him!

November 18, 2008 at 9:25 AM  
Blogger Miss Britt said...

Thanks to the miracle of Facebook, I can actually confirm your husbands theory. Well, kind of.

The popular people still hang out with the other popular people.

The good news is - there are wayyyy more of us who were unpopular in high school. And now WE hang out. Which makes us, by definition, the popular ones.

Wait.

Is "popular" the same as "majority"?

November 18, 2008 at 9:41 AM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

I'll join your group. Where do I sign?

November 18, 2008 at 10:24 AM  
Blogger Newt said...

Husbandrinka is a big parade-rainer-onner. He might be less grouchy if he got more sleep.

November 18, 2008 at 10:37 AM  
Blogger Temple said...

Facebook confirms they still exist, BUT that they exist in an unhappy, quadruple-divorced, "my kid is in prison", and I still have the same Aqua-Net support-system hairstyle from 1990 plane of existence. :)

November 18, 2008 at 11:54 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

There was a reality show not too long ago called something like who wants to date my dad. The kids got to pick from among a selection of former popular babes who should win a date with their dad.

One of the possible dates was the most popular girl from my graduating class. Right there on TV. No lie! I couldn't believe.

She was always the it girl, from elemenatry school through high school. She dated the most popular boy in school until graduation, who later became the famous quarterback for a major football team. They were the Brad and Jen of our time.

So what happens?

The kids hate her. No date with their dad. She gets the boot she always deserved. Hee hee.

November 18, 2008 at 12:40 PM  
Blogger Tooj said...

Man! What's with husbandrinka knocking that down so quickly?? And OUCH on that "not popular then, not popular now" note....I LIKE your theory, but I think my old high school is too small to test it on. Good luck with your next dream! :)

November 18, 2008 at 1:29 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Or maybe, as adults, we are afraid to admit that were were popular in high school?

Either way, I'll join your support group, when you get it started. My husband recently killed my conspiracy theory that my driver's license being expired was a grand scheme by The Man to keep me from voting.

November 18, 2008 at 2:09 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

Holy crap that was brutal ;)

Maria was a gorgeous girl in my high school, more than gorgeous... it was hard to look at her. I mean, I would probably swing that way for her and I'm straight.

She was a bit of a snob too, her friends were all these mysterious kids from other schools because we were just peasants compared to her. Even though she only hung out with the elite, she was the most popular girl at our school. The hallway actually got quiet when she walked by. People were nervous if she was in one of their classes.

She also had one of those bodies that made you wonder if she was real, and always seemed tan (Angelina Jolie but better somehow). She had shiney black hair and black eyelashes that didn't need mascara. She also appeared to have built in lipstick. Did I mention she was rich and drove a BMW?

ANYWAY. Cut to 2008. I heard she had 4 kids by 4 different guys, moved away to somewhere nobody knows where and never heard from her or about her again. All reunion invites are returned with no forwarding address. I've heard that at last sighting, she was WIDE.

Your case in point, I believe.

November 18, 2008 at 2:10 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Oh no! I love your theory. But I have to agree with Husbandrinka. I still know a lot of people that were popular in high school. Some of them did become unpopular adults (yeah!) but some married billionaires and have three nannies (boo!). Now I'm depressed. Thanks for reminding me about the unfairness of it all.

November 18, 2008 at 2:34 PM  
Blogger Heinous said...

Oh sure, the old 'Milan' defense. That's the oldest trick in the book.
"Where did all the dinosaurs go daddy?"
"Why, Milan, of course."

November 18, 2008 at 2:42 PM  
Blogger Momo Fali said...

Damn. That "living in Milan" thing always ruins my great ideas too.

November 18, 2008 at 3:27 PM  
Anonymous Alias Mother said...

No, no. It's the people who were popular in junior high who no longer exist.

Also, I second all the Facebook talk. It makes you feel like you are trying to be 22, but Facebook is how I found out that the skinny kid who used to sit slumped over in study hall with his sweatshirt hood up is now a police officer/bodybuilder with a waxed chest. True story.

November 18, 2008 at 4:05 PM  
Blogger bob marley & lucy liu said...

The most popular, outgoing, best-dressed, funny girl in my high school ended up a few years later an unemployed alcoholic in a bad relationship. So I think your theory was right!

November 18, 2008 at 4:32 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

I remember my mom telling me the under-developed girls in h.school who looked like adolescent boys would blossom later in life and look much younger for longer. I guess she was trying to comfort me. Then, of course, I blossomed on the early side, married a younger man who still looks like he's about 12 and it's all downhill from here...

November 18, 2008 at 4:54 PM  
Blogger Insta-mom said...

I wasn't popular in high school either, so I can't speak on that with any authority. But I can tell you that thanks to Facebook, I recently discovered that the people who were self-absorbed in high school are still self-absorbed and the people who were shallow are still shallow.

November 18, 2008 at 7:04 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I was tortured by the mean girls in high school these were Italian mean girls and so they did with a bad Brooklyn accent to boot.

Problem is, I heard most of them are now happily married although one did catch her husband screwing her friend in their garage....

November 18, 2008 at 7:53 PM  
Blogger Grand Pooba said...

Just stopping by from a friend's blog...

Great theory, too bad your husband pooped on it!

November 18, 2008 at 7:59 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

well, i just went to my high school reunion and the popular kids are flourishing. i'm sorry to take your husband's side.

November 18, 2008 at 10:58 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Thank you to everyone who supported my theory and mourned the death of my dream, and possibly life as we know it, with me.

To those of you who claimed not to be popular in high school, especially those of you who look like blonde cheerleaders--no comment.

To those of you who sided with my husband's take on this--he will never hear that someone agreed with him! NEVER!

and to everyone who suggested that I try Facebook --I am worried that it would disprove my theory and therefore I must decline. Also because I can't figure out how to use Facebook. Yes, I know it's easy. But I really am that stupid.

November 18, 2008 at 11:12 PM  
Blogger Z said...

I've got nothing to add to this discussion, but I definitely think you should call Stockholm directly with your next big break-through... Your husband doesn't seem to properly understand the scope of your genius ;)

November 19, 2008 at 9:41 AM  
Blogger Leisha Camden said...

'Dinosaurs and dodos'. I'm sorry that he stomped on your dream like that. People are so mean sometimes. :-(

November 20, 2008 at 6:33 PM  
Blogger heartatpreschool said...

Just wanted to add another piece of data to your theory, because I know you are not going to just let it die like that.

Me = not popular in High School
Me = not extinct

So, there you go!

November 24, 2008 at 2:27 PM  

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