Super Secret Topics That I Will Never Blog About, Ever

A few years ago I was having dinner at my favorite NYC restaurant. John makes fun of me because Husbandrinka and I always go there. And also because John makes fun of me always, for no good reason. It's very painful. The restaurant is a block away from our house, so it's convenient, it's where we had our first date, so it's romantical and it's where Husbadrinka looked into my eyes once, when I was sure that he was going to propose and said, "You know, I've been thinking, and it's really hard for me to understand The New York Times' attitude towards Israel," so it's chuck full of precious memories.

So, we were eating there and I see that Yoko Ono is sitting at the table next to us. She was there with her son and a younger woman who I guessed was the son's girlfriend, but the only reason that I recognized Yoko was that she was wearing those enormous sunglasses. At night. Indoors.

I'm assuming that she wears them for the sake of privacy, to go unnoticed, so if none of her minions have the balls to tell her, I will. Wearing those sunglasses at night and indoors is exactly what makes you get noticed. It's exactly what made me whisper to Husbadrinka "Yoko Ono, six o'clock" and he said, "What?" and I said "Ono, Yoko over there," motioning to her table with my right eyelash, and he said, "I have no idea what you're talking about," and I had to stand on top of our table, naked, and bellow, "YOKO ONO IS SITTING OVER THERE WEARING SUNGLASSES, JESUS CHRIST, HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE HEARD ME?!" Seriously, you try doing that and not spill that martini. And all this could have been avoided if she just wore normal glasses like a regular person or if Husbandrinka attended any one of those telepathy for couples classes that I'm always trying to enroll us in.

I mention this because as I keep blogging, I've been wondering if there are any topics that are really off limits for me. I mean, there's the usual, I won't blog about work, the intimate details of my friends' lives that I assume they wouldn't want publicized and I'm trying to be sensitive to the fact that Husbandrinka is a private person. But I also wonder if identifying an "off limits" list is sort of like donning those Yoko Ono glasses.

Oh, what the hell, she looks great in them. And besides, aren't we all attention whores?

So here is my list of Super Secret Topics That I Will Never Blog About, Ever, So Don't Even Ask.

1. Anyone's job. Except people who I don't know and who do their job badly. Hello, Starbucks cashiers!

2. Sex. Except if I have something interesting to say about it. This excludes Porn Sunday, of course.

3. My children's diaries. Because one doesn't keep one and the other one keeps it locked up. But I'd like to think that I have enough integrity to respect other people's privacy. (God, that looks pretty all written up like that).

4. Spanking. I'm talking about children, not perverts, here. Not that people who like to get spanked are perverts, mind you. I have had so many discussions about whether spanking is a good method of discipline and they never go well, so I'm not going there again. Unless I run out of stuff to blog about, and then I'm all over it.

5. Thermonuclear power. I have no idea what that is, so blogging about it would be awkward.

Other than that, I'm an open book. Which may not be the best news for the people that read this blog.

But I promise not to go all Yoko on you.