Sunday, November 2, 2008

Porn! It Does a Body Good

I thought that since Sundays are traditionally the days that I have 3.4 readers on my blog (which includes my kids' stuffed animals that I position in front of the screen for half an hour) I would experiment and post my musings about porn. You know, the type of stuff that people with integrity and values don't post about, especially not on The Lord's Day. But before you judge me, please rest assured that I will not post anything erotic. At least not intentionally. Is it me, or is it hot in here?

I watch porn the way that I imagine that other people watch game shows--it's on in the background while I straighten up, I keep an ear out for it while I do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, in case something exciting happens. It's entirely possible that I have a different definition of "exciting" than the majority of the porn watching population. I don't want the money shot (seriously, who didn't have their fill of money shots by the time they were in their 30s?) I want to hear the dialogue. Because porn dialogue really is what makes me believe in the American Dream. No talent? No problem!

But this is not about porn dialogue-- I'm saving that for Easter Sunday, apparently. For now, I want to discuss porn titles that are available on demand from my local cable provider. Specifically the "foreign" selection.

Ready? Here we go!

Oh Miso Horny
AZN (too many to list..err, I'm referring to titles here)
Big Buns Barcelona
Big Butts of Brazil
Danke 4 the Panky
German Jugs Galore (can you just see the meetings they had on this one? "I think we can get away with German Gugs Galore!")
Icb Bin Ein Horny (doesn't specify if it's subtitled)
Lusty Loco Latinas
Outdoor Swede Sex
Star Whores
(I am guessing that it's the intergalactic part that makes it foreign? At any rate, whoever came up with it deserves some kind of an award. Like the Pulitzer or maybe the Nobel Peace Prize, but more prestigious.)

But I noticed that not all countries are represented. And as a child of the world and a lover of the international community, I find this unfair.

Where are the Netherlands? Israel? Lebanon? Surely there are sexpots in all those countries and clever titles just begging to be made. Why are some nationalities more erotic than others? And who the hell would have thought that the Germans are so hot?

Plus, with the economy the way it is, you never know when I will have to look for work, so I thought that I would branch out into the porn title industry. Because I believe in it and I believe that I can contribute to it.

Here is my offering of international titles, if I were in charge of such things:

Hard On Haiti
Bulging Bulgaria
Succulent Cypress
Wanda Does Rwanda
All The Men in Yemen

I admit it, I'm a little stuck. Just like a painter who is sure that he can "pull of a Pollack," I am fumbling for words. Where is my Netherlands porn? Where is the Bosnia-Herzegovina teaser? Am I going to fail at this attempt at self-improvement? Or will you help me out?

Disclaimer: Please do not be alarmed. I'm not sure that this is going to be a regular blog feature.

Labels:

19 Comments:

Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

"Babes from Bosnia"?

Anyway, yeah, I'd love to see the google searches you get for this one. Please do a post on that!

And, you're never going to be notified of the comments because your spam filter will take out the word porn. This happened to me:).

November 2, 2008 at 7:02 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

all the men in Yemen?????I am cracking up.

How about Nipples from Nethie...

November 2, 2008 at 7:34 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

We had a sleepover, too. Yes, the sleep is ambiguous. And these guys are already awake. So much for sleeping in on Daylight Savings...

I almost wrote on a similar topic today. In the checkout line at the grocery store there were a bunch of Harlequin novels, and they had some really pornographic titles, like "Bedding the Billionaire". But I didn't talk about it because I didn't want people to think I read that shit. And honestly, I'd rather people think I watch porn. :)

November 2, 2008 at 7:42 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

ROFL @ "Wanda Does Rwanda"!

I always thought a cool name for a porn would be "Lickety Splits"... That's not really international, though...

Something in Bangkok, of course...

LOVE your blog!

November 2, 2008 at 9:13 AM  
Blogger Mama Ginger Tree said...

How about:

Boobs in Bombay
Pakistani Poontang
Whore of the Worlds

November 2, 2008 at 11:58 AM  
Blogger phd in yogurtry said...

Naughty Nether Regions of the Netherlands?

Hurt Me, Herzegovina!

Hilarious post. I vote for a weekly Sunday morning edition. Expand to include dialog doozies, please!

November 2, 2008 at 12:18 PM  
Blogger phd in yogurtry said...

hmm, not sure my post made it through ...

November 2, 2008 at 12:19 PM  
Blogger Frogs in my formula said...

There's NO WAY the Netherlands don't have porn titles to offer. Or maybe everyone's too busy in the Red Light district? BTW, are we extra frisky today? I just posted about sex too. Maybe we should hit the 6 pm mass.

November 2, 2008 at 12:28 PM  
Anonymous jos said...

all the men in yemen... ha!

a few possible dutch titles:
peter pecker & the hole in the dyke
titties in tulip-land
girls gone gouda, ja! ja!
horny in holland (a documentary)

I definitely second the weekly sunday am porn post. it would make getting up at the crack (har har) of dawn so much better.

November 2, 2008 at 3:20 PM  
Blogger RenĂ©e aka Mekhismom said...

You watch porn? Hmm, I don't. It just doesn't do much for me. Although in my mid-twenties my boyfriend at the time tried to get some "artistic" porn targeted toward women. He was generous like that.

November 2, 2008 at 6:03 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

I miss porno.

November 2, 2008 at 6:10 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Japs Eye in Japan
Making out in Macedonia
Lichtenstien Licks Lucy
Sluts from Slovakia
Belize Bell Ends

I think you should make a game out of this! Either who can come up with the best international title or best film title taken from an existing movie.

Charlie Wilson's whore
Game whores

November 2, 2008 at 11:23 PM  
Blogger Maura said...

I somehow have a hard time believing you just have porn on in the background, but I think this should definitely be a Sunday feature! What better way to spend those lazy days than in bed, huh?

I think MGT could give you a serious run for your money, though. Hers also cracked me up.

Here's the the only one that came (yeah, I said it) to mind: Czech-ing out the Merchandize.

November 3, 2008 at 2:05 AM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Kylie--I like "Babes from Bosnia", although it sort of reminds me of "Toys from Toyland" or something like that. I get tons of google searches for "topless moms" because I did a post about toddler girls wearing bikini tops last summer. My favorite google search, though was "if I take 2 tylenol, will I die?"

Vodka Mom--I'm definitely putting you on the "development cummittee".

Melissa--yes, porn is definitely better than Harlequin. Especially if you're doped up on crack and shit.

Rachel--ok! You'll be in charge of our Bangcock edition!

Mama Ginger Tree--I'm a little alarmed how quickly those excellent titles came to you! And more than a little jealous. Hey, maybe your porn name can be Mamary Ginger Treats.

PhD--I'm laughing at Hurt Me Herzegovina! With that title, I predict we will get many customers who will be looking for Eva Herzegovina porn. win-win for us, although not necessarily for them!

November 3, 2008 at 9:12 AM  
Blogger Z said...

Oh but I am cracking up over here! Thanks for the laughter :)

November 3, 2008 at 12:00 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Frogs--hey, I didn't see you at mass!

Jos--your titles sound like they could do double duty as nursery rhymes.

Renee--aww, what a guy!

Aunt Becky--I'm sorry! If Hallmark made a card for the occasion, I'd send it to you. Especially if it was an e-card.


Maura--Well, I also take notes so that I know what to do when Joe the Plumber stops by.

Z-- ;)
Heather--love those! You just want to win, don't you?

November 3, 2008 at 8:11 PM  
Blogger Anna Lefler said...

Hmmm...how about:

The Root From Beirut

National Lampoon's European Lay-cation

The Mystery of Eats-her Island

Backpacking Through Ass-ghanistan

...Anna

November 4, 2008 at 1:18 AM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

I think that CBS Sunday Morning opened the door for porn discussion on Sundays. Since they did a bit on the director of Deep Throat dying this past week.

For the first time I saw an old Bob Hope clip that gave me a new appreciation for the man.

He said that he went to see Deep Throat because he loves animal movies. He thought it was about a giraffe.

Call me a dork, but I got a good laugh out of it.

November 4, 2008 at 11:08 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

Aunt-Arctic Antics in the Ice Queen's dungeon. No, too predictable.

November 19, 2008 at 6:14 PM  

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