Porn! It Does a Body Good

I thought that since Sundays are traditionally the days that I have 3.4 readers on my blog (which includes my kids' stuffed animals that I position in front of the screen for half an hour) I would experiment and post my musings about porn. You know, the type of stuff that people with integrity and values don't post about, especially not on The Lord's Day. But before you judge me, please rest assured that I will not post anything erotic. At least not intentionally. Is it me, or is it hot in here?

I watch porn the way that I imagine that other people watch game shows--it's on in the background while I straighten up, I keep an ear out for it while I do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, in case something exciting happens. It's entirely possible that I have a different definition of "exciting" than the majority of the porn watching population. I don't want the money shot (seriously, who didn't have their fill of money shots by the time they were in their 30s?) I want to hear the dialogue. Because porn dialogue really is what makes me believe in the American Dream. No talent? No problem!

But this is not about porn dialogue-- I'm saving that for Easter Sunday, apparently. For now, I want to discuss porn titles that are available on demand from my local cable provider. Specifically the "foreign" selection.

Ready? Here we go!

Oh Miso Horny
AZN (too many to list..err, I'm referring to titles here)
Big Buns Barcelona
Big Butts of Brazil
Danke 4 the Panky
German Jugs Galore (can you just see the meetings they had on this one? "I think we can get away with German Gugs Galore!")
Icb Bin Ein Horny (doesn't specify if it's subtitled)
Lusty Loco Latinas
Outdoor Swede Sex
Star Whores (I am guessing that it's the intergalactic part that makes it foreign? At any rate, whoever came up with it deserves some kind of an award. Like the Pulitzer or maybe the Nobel Peace Prize, but more prestigious.)

But I noticed that not all countries are represented. And as a child of the world and a lover of the international community, I find this unfair.

Where are the Netherlands? Israel? Lebanon? Surely there are sexpots in all those countries and clever titles just begging to be made. Why are some nationalities more erotic than others? And who the hell would have thought that the Germans are so hot?

Plus, with the economy the way it is, you never know when I will have to look for work, so I thought that I would branch out into the porn title industry. Because I believe in it and I believe that I can contribute to it.

Here is my offering of international titles, if I were in charge of such things:

Hard On Haiti
Bulging Bulgaria
Succulent Cypress
Wanda Does Rwanda
All The Men in Yemen

I admit it, I'm a little stuck. Just like a painter who is sure that he can "pull of a Pollack," I am fumbling for words. Where is my Netherlands porn? Where is the Bosnia-Herzegovina teaser? Am I going to fail at this attempt at self-improvement? Or will you help me out?

Disclaimer: Please do not be alarmed. I'm not sure that this is going to be a regular blog feature.