Monday, November 10, 2008

Victoria's Secret: They Hate You

Generally speaking, I consider myself a pretty laid back, agreeable person. I go into a store, I make a selection and I pay for it. I don't try to create a distraction so that my co-conspirators can come in and steal the merchandise, I don't present expired coupons and I don't tell the salespeople my dreams. And all I expect in return is to be rung up, and given the shit I just paid for in a bag, with my receipt and a "thank you." And the receipt is not strictly mandatory.

I hate shopping at Victoria's Secret because of their hard sell. The only way that I will ever set foot in Victoria's Secret again is if I'm dismembered and someone flings my foot into their store. Because to walk in there is to subject yourself to some kind of torture-mortification that most people flee continents to avoid. And are pretty much guaranteed to receive asylum in their new country.

"You need a new bra," a bra pusher told me as I was looking through the robe section.

"I'm fine, thanks."

"What you're wearing doesn't fit you."

"I'm fine, thanks."

"It's too small. It pushes your breasts up so that you look like you have three breasts."

Ok. I defy anyone to walk away from a salesperson who tells you that. It cannot be done. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure if stockbrokers called their customers and said "you look like you have three breasts, but some stock!" we could get the Dow up right now, financial crisis solved.

"What do you mean, I have three breasts?"

"Well, you're a C cup, but you're wearing a B. So the scrunched up part in the middle makes you look like you have a third breast. It's not a good look," she explained in case I was going to race directly to Vogue headquarters to start posing.

"I am not a C cup," I told her and returned to the robe selection. Unfortunately they were all embroidered with something like "Sexy!" and "Cutie Pie!" instead of "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, I DON'T HAVE THREE BREASTS" which I was in the market for.

"I'll measure you!" she volunteered and before I could reach for my personal mace container, lassoed me with her breast measurement.
Ten wrangling minutes later, I bought a new bra.
"You were right," I told her.
"I know," she said. "I'm a professional."

Victoria's Secret: 1
Marinka: 0
Breasts: >3

Labels:

43 Comments:

Blogger Vodka Mom said...

damn those bitches.

November 10, 2008 at 6:36 AM  
Anonymous Katy (aka funny girl) said...

I'm just really impressed that you went ahead and brought a bra. My pride would've forced me to leave and go somewhere else, just so the beeotch wouldn't have my money. At the very least I would've been asking for the manager. (I'm all about justice, and there must be payback for comments about three breasts.)

Are you sure you didn't say any other snide remarks? Even under your breath? Really???

You're a better woman than I, Ms. M.

November 10, 2008 at 7:20 AM  
Blogger KLS said...

This weekend I went into a REAL bra store (not like VS) and had a fitting by a REAL fitter. I'd done this before at a fake fitting place, and have stuck with what they told me for about 8 years.

What I learned this weekend is that my cup size is like 4 letters more than what I was originally told, and my band size is a much smaller number (yippee!). If you have an Intimacy store there (which I am sure you so), you should check it out. Highly recommend (and so do my boobs!)It makes a HUGE difference in the way I look and feel. And I can't believe I am gushing about this on the Internet....

You do have a store:
INTIMACY of New York
Intimacy on Madison
Corner of 90th and Madison
1252 Madison Ave.
New York, New York 10128 USA
Phone (212) 860-8366

Subway Directions
Take the 4, 5, or 6th train to
86 & Lexington.

November 10, 2008 at 7:41 AM  
Blogger Tooj said...

It's amazing the amount of problems that boobs can cause us women. LOL

November 10, 2008 at 7:45 AM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Katy-apparently my strategy was to stew, wait a few years and then write a blog post about it. Hope she sees it!

November 10, 2008 at 8:46 AM  
Blogger Madge said...

i hate boobs

November 10, 2008 at 8:53 AM  
Blogger wfbdoglover said...

I actually know exactly what she is talking about! ROLFLMAO

This was a good one!

November 10, 2008 at 9:33 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I had a similar dispute while trying to buy a bra at Macys of all places. The sales person was a little odd looking. Frumpy overweight mom type with a short green mohawk (I couldn't figure her out). Anyway - I am not exactly well endowed - but I will do anything to avoid the little roll of back fat that a tight fitting bra can create. We had a big argument about whether I was a 36 B (like I prefer) or a 32 B (totally ridiculous - measured or not, I felt like I managed to get the rubber band from my pony tail cinched around my ribs). We compromised with a 34 B. I never thought someone combining mom jeans and a green mohawk could hold so much power.

November 10, 2008 at 9:39 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

I haven't shopped at a Victoria's Secret in years! Since I was single. I am VERY picky about my bras, and NEVER found one there that fit the way that I liked. I prefer functional over sexy, though.

Boobs suck!

November 10, 2008 at 9:44 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I always called them booblets!

November 10, 2008 at 10:13 AM  
Blogger bex said...

I think maybe a "Yeah, well you have FOUR boobs, so suck it!" would have gotten you out of there faster.

November 10, 2008 at 10:18 AM  
Blogger Mama Ginger Tree said...

The secret is that Victoria is not really a cheap whore, as their store and ad's would have you believe. But that Victoria is in fact a frumpy woman who used to me a madam and is now stuck in the mall giving the hard sell on bras and panties.

November 10, 2008 at 11:16 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

So that is what the secret in Victoria's secret is - bully customers into buying bras that they weren't in the store to buy! I've always wondered what it was.

November 10, 2008 at 12:04 PM  
Blogger Heinous said...

You mean the three breasted look isn't in?

November 10, 2008 at 1:01 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

You think you hate them now?

Wait until that cheap ass bra, which I bet wasn't cheap for you, only for VS corporate, pokes you in your boob with the underwire because the fabric broke.

Happened to me on every one of my Victoria Suckass bras until I finally stopped buying them.

November 10, 2008 at 1:18 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I heart boobies.

November 10, 2008 at 1:34 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

That is precisely why I shop online. I measure my own breasticles, pick out the type and let my husband shop for me from my wish list.

November 10, 2008 at 2:02 PM  
Blogger Jess said...

I bought a bra from Victoria's Secret one time and hated it. It fits no better than the cheap ones at Kohl's where you're not hunted down and measured

November 10, 2008 at 2:25 PM  
Blogger Andy said...

I'm a fan of boobs, but three might be too many.
What's weirder is that woman's job is to stare at customer's boobs all day.

November 10, 2008 at 4:32 PM  
Blogger heartatpreschool said...

You should go on Oprah with that story.

November 10, 2008 at 5:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could always opt for going there on Boxing Day. There will be too many people for the evil-boob-lady to harass, that you'll just go by unnoticed. Unless, of course, you're one of the unlucky ones.

November 10, 2008 at 6:29 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

How the hell do they do that? I tell myself all the time, "this time they're not going to get me" and hell if I'm not walking out of there with a $500 worth of lipstick and cream they SWEAR will make look pretty AGAIN".

November 10, 2008 at 7:14 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

I agree with the crowd. In fact, if I got the same news Christina Applegate got, I would probably get rid of mine too.

And those VS ladies have huge balls, my friend :)

November 10, 2008 at 7:37 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I obviously live in the wrong part of the country. I can never find a salesperson in Victoria's Secret. I can be standing there with $500 worth of underwear in my hands and nobody shows. I always walk out. I don't even know where the changing rooms are in that place, since I have never found anyone to show me.

I was once dragged into a Gap underwear store (whatever it is called. Gap Intimate? Gap Privates? Anyway.)The saleslady proceeded to measure me and declared that I had become skinnier and very much more well endowed, seemingly overnight. Of course I was flattered! Of course I bought the bra! The too-tight empty-cup look was interesting, but not for long, they soon fell apart.

November 10, 2008 at 8:28 PM  
Blogger Frogs in my formula said...

The only way that I will ever set foot in Victoria's Secret again is if I'm dismembered and someone flings my foot into their store.

The best line EVER.

November 10, 2008 at 9:00 PM  
Blogger Sonya said...

oh dear, that was a gem! I, sadly, have sported the 3 boob look unbeknownst to me until I saw photos months later. Horrified doesn't begin to describe...

November 10, 2008 at 9:04 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

I freakin' HATE Victoria Secret. They are relentless in stalking you wherever you try to hide.

at least you stood up to them and you know, gave them money.

November 10, 2008 at 9:32 PM  
Blogger Momo Fali said...

The only time I used to go in there was when they sent out those "free panties" coupons, twice a year. But NOW, my niece works there! It's great, because she can pretend to be working and I can shop pressure-free.

November 10, 2008 at 9:56 PM  
Anonymous kia (good enough mama) said...

I think I would have taken out my third breast and shoved it down her throat until she choked on it and died. You're a much better person than I.

November 10, 2008 at 11:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

I don't really have boobs. Just nipples. I would kill for three. Maybe I could borrow one of yours?

November 10, 2008 at 11:32 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

Whoa. This is like when the bra ladies on Oprah fit everyone for bras. It's always like. "You thought you were a 36 B but you are really a 32F." Makes me think I may need to make a few changes around here. The new bras I got at Walmart last wk are NOT working for me.

I'm impressed you didn't wail on that girl.

November 10, 2008 at 11:57 PM  
Blogger Delusional Girl Ruby Soho said...

Sophie and I must live near each other because I can never find a salesperson either! Not like anything in their store fits, (hi big boobs), but still. And, I swear they don't know how to measure people.

I suggest going to a place like Intimacy. (I've never been to Intimacy, it just seems like the place I go to.) It could change your life!

November 11, 2008 at 12:09 AM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

I loved this. I had to go bra shopping at Polish Victoria's Secret (I can't remember the name of the store, but it was definitely copyright infringement). EVERY WOMAN WHO WORKED IN THE STORE asked if they could help me. And then my husband started going through the drawers, because he told me that's what you have to do a VS. They were mortified and came directly over and yanked the bra he was holding out of his hands and told him sternly (of course, I don't think it's possibly to speak Polish not sternly) that he was not allowed to go through the drawers.

And I don't know why my husband knows what you're supposed to do a VS. I don't ask those kinds of questions.

November 11, 2008 at 4:48 AM  
Blogger Mommy Mo said...

OMG! That was hilarious. WHo in their right mind would tell a potential customer that they look like have 3 chi-chi's?

November 11, 2008 at 5:45 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

I usually buy my bras at Nordstroms, where I'm chastised by the mother I never had. Seriously, they're WORSE than my mother.

November 12, 2008 at 5:35 PM  
Anonymous Lish said...

"The only way that I will ever set foot in Victoria's Secret again is if I'm dismembered and someone flings my foot into their store." Pure genius.

November 13, 2008 at 9:08 PM  
Blogger Braja said...

I hate it when they're right. Now look, I'm not trying to lure you over to my site to make you read completely irrelevant things. Really. but this is an "I hate shopping" post that I think you'll relate to:

http://lostandfoundinindia.blogspot.com/2008/10/shopping-tips-dont-ask.html

November 14, 2008 at 2:21 AM  
Blogger Janet said...

I can't take it. If I laugh any harder at your posts I'm going to have a stroke right here. In my office.

Not to mention I'll probably get fired.

November 14, 2008 at 3:47 PM  
Anonymous Alicia said...

"The only way that I will ever set foot in Victoria's Secret again is if I'm dismembered and someone flings my foot into their store."

Hilarious.

Yeah, I worked for VS back when I was 18. I lasted 3 weeks because I, I am just not a breast wrangler. That and their benefits/pay sucked.

November 16, 2008 at 7:44 PM  
Blogger Reluctant Housewife said...

Wow! That was gutsy of her... I wonder if anyone's every turned around and hit her?

December 3, 2008 at 12:13 PM  
Blogger Connie Weiss said...

Oh My Goodness! This is why I shop online...I don't like to pay people to insult me!

December 3, 2008 at 3:27 PM  
Blogger texasholly said...

Holy crap that was funny. I usually have the opposite problem in VS although they are really hard selling their credit cards to the point of insanity....

Thanks so much for linking!!

December 3, 2008 at 10:41 PM  
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