Sunday, November 9, 2008

Welcome to Porn Sunday

DAMMIT!  I am suffering from Premature Posting Disorder!  Sorry!  Come back and read this tomorrow!  Otherwise it's Porn Sunday on Saturday.

Welcome to the second installment of Marinka's Porn Sunday series.

If you did not join us last week, it's not too late to catch up on the last post here.  As a result of last week's post, an obscene (I slay me) number of people found by blog by googling "Danke 4 the Panky" which makes me think that it is indeed some sort of a pornographic classic and that we all should watch it and then discuss.

But that was last week, before we got a new President-elect.  This week, to celebrate the fact that our future President was a constitutional law professor, I thought that it would be patriotic to review the definition of pornography.  But because that's too long and draining, I'll go with my favorite, which is actually a concurring opinion by Justice Stewart and can be boiled down to "I know it when I see it."

You know who doesn't know it when she sees it? Oprah.  Let me explain.

I watched Monday's Oprah show because the promo said that it was "for mature audiences only" and I am, at heart, a fourteen year old boy.

Yay, Oprah will teach us about sex! Maybe I could learn something.

Well, maybe I would have learned something if I were watching the show from the Victorian era.

She had two panels of women, girlfriends, casually sitting in their living rooms, watching Oprah live, advising her if she ever "crosses the line".  Because apparently Oprah can no longer afford a producer.  This is exactly the type of thing that has me rolling my eyes so much that I develop optic nerve muscles.

But I'm being too harsh--because I did take away some valuable lessons:

1.  The sex therapist that she had on the show looked like Paula Abdul.

2.  Oprah told us that the haven't-had-sex-in-years couple who allowed their sex therapy sessions to be taped and then broadcast on the show as they appeared on the same show to discuss it are "brave" as opposed to "insane."

3. Sex therapist lady explains to confused Oprah that sex therapy is talk therapy and that she doesn't watch the people actually have sex.  

4.  Sex therapist lady told us that couples are often afraid to share their sexual fantasies with each other.  

5. When sharing sexual fantasies, there are three rules:  (a) be open and don't say things like "wow, I never knew what a sick fuck you are" when your partner divulges a fantasy; (b) be honest and tell your partner "I'm not really into the pimp-ho fantasy that you have going on there, so that won't be happening" and (c) if your fantasy involves sex with a friend, neighbor or an in-law, keep it to yourself. 

6.  The way that I understand these "sexual fantasy rules" is that unless your fantasy is about making love to your partner while cleaning the kitchen, better not say a word.  Although big, fat ditto on sex with in-laws, unless you're married to a Baldwin brother or something.

7. The haven't-had-sex-in -years woman's fantasy was to "be dominated" by her man.

8.  The haven't-had-sex-in-years man's fantasy was to "have sex".

9.  The sex therapist gave the haven't had sex in years couple a homework assignment:  He is to plan their whole date and be totally in control of the whole thing!  Because normally the no sex wife is in control of everything!

10. If I were their sex therapist my assignment to them would have been, "have sex and call me in the morning, but not too early, because I want to have my grande Pike Roast first and hearing about your sex life may gag me."

11.  The haven't-had-sex-in-years man starts the date by picking out his wife's clothes for her to wear.

12.  If Husbandrinka ever showed an interest in picking out my clothes for me to wear, we'd be appearing on Oprah as the Will-Never-Have-Sex-Again couple.

13.  The haven't-had-sex-in-years man drives the-haven't-had-sex-in-years woman to a restaurant, but won't tell her which one!

14.  I think the "domination" aspect would be enhanced if he had her ride in the trunk of the car, instead of in the passenger seat.

15.  After dinner we find out that the haven't-had-sex-in-years woman of the couple didn't know that she had a clitoris and that it had nerve endings.  I guess because she was too busy pussy whipping her husband.

16. Oprah didn't know if you could say clitoris on TV.

17. For any new blog readers, why not check out a recent clitoris post?

18. Oprah say "va-jay-jay". Sex therapist lady tells her that the proper term is "vagina".

Seriously--TV is never going to get better than having a doctor telling Oprah that.

Happy Sunday!



27 Comments:

Blogger anymommy said...

Oh how I have missed you. I hate the word va-jay-jay. And anyway, I think she stole it from Grey's Anatomy. Maybe it's vice versa. I suppose Oprah did come first.

November 8, 2008 at 5:58 PM  
Blogger Madge said...

yeah, i couldn't wait until sunday to comment. oprah, oprah, oprah. somebody needs to get that girl a subscription to hustler.

November 8, 2008 at 6:00 PM  
Blogger K and/or K said...

I'm always looking for more reasons to not like Oprah. Seeing her at the Obama speech soften my heart for a second, but now we return to our firm belief that she is a lunatic!

November 8, 2008 at 6:55 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

I watched Oprah for the first time in maybe 5 years and DAMN does that woman always interrupt people or WHAT?

November 8, 2008 at 7:38 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I truly would dread it, if my husband chose what I wore, I would be a multi colored skater chick!

Anyway, sorry ladies that have previously posted but I like Oprah, although I missed this episode (I don't like her enough to TIVO). I did see the one episode where she was talking about Grays Anatomy and said she preferred the word va-jay-jay over vagina - so she did steal it from Grays.

Seriously #15 - she doesn't know she has a clitoris - where was she during sex ed? No wonder they don't have sex if she didn't know she had a clitoris.

November 8, 2008 at 8:00 PM  
Blogger Mama Ginger Tree said...

I missed that Oprah episode. Thanks for the recap.

November 8, 2008 at 10:58 PM  
Blogger phd in yogurtry said...

I saw most of that show. Your take on it was much better. I was surprised at how much Oprah did not know. Like the bit about wondering if a sex therapist watched. And seeming all embarrassed at the "look at self with mirror."

November 8, 2008 at 11:53 PM  
Blogger Andy said...

First off, congrats on all the perv visitors you will surely get through Google. Nice!
Second, as I'm newer to this blog, I am so pleased to hear about Porn Sunday. That's so different than my college years, when most of my friends had Porn Nightly With Pants Around Ankles.
This is much nicer and doesn't require an eye on the door.

November 9, 2008 at 9:16 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

va-jay-jay?????Jesus. Come to kindergarten. My girls will teach her what is what.

LOVE the post. LOVE IT!!!!!

November 9, 2008 at 12:20 PM  
Blogger Heinous said...

LOL...I sure hope Oprah didn't show any leg above her ankle during the show. That would have just taken it over the edge.

November 9, 2008 at 4:35 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I didn't see the show (actually the last time I watched Oprah was probably 1994), but this post goes a long way towards explaining why haven't-had-sex-in-years-couple ... well ... haven't had sex in years.

November 9, 2008 at 5:13 PM  
Blogger bex said...

While you were rolling your eyes, I was shaking my head. As a result, I have the neck of a 'roid-ragey wrestler.

November 9, 2008 at 8:10 PM  
Blogger Cant Hardly Wait said...

I think maybe it would have been better executed if Oprah showed us her favorite sex positions with Stedman. And her dogs.

November 9, 2008 at 10:05 PM  
Blogger Insta-mom said...

I really wanted to watch on Monday because I, too, am a 14-year-old boy at heart. And now I'm really sad I missed it because it drives me crazy when Oprah says va-jay-jay. Doesn't she know it's called a woo-hoo?

November 10, 2008 at 12:15 AM  
Blogger bernthis said...

This episode was for "mature" audiences. Sounds to me it was created and made more for the "and I thought I was fucked up" type audiences instead.

November 10, 2008 at 1:05 AM  
Blogger heartatpreschool said...

Thanks for the head's up. I'll delete that one right off the Tivo.

November 10, 2008 at 3:04 AM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

I don't get to watch Oprah. I now don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

November 10, 2008 at 3:46 AM  
Blogger Renée aka Mekhismom said...

Give me a break Oprah. Really? Last I checked she was in her mid-fifties. Va jay jay?

Anyhow, at least that couple is seeing some help. They clearly need it.

November 10, 2008 at 5:14 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

Why is it that I never get to watch the really good Oprahs? I always get to see the crap ones.

November 10, 2008 at 10:10 AM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

#14 and #15 are to die for!

It's surprising how many experience #15 in their life. I don't get how, but it happens.

November 10, 2008 at 2:07 PM  
OpenID mommypie said...

HA! Love it. And O's not sure if she could say clitoris on TV? Um, isn't that just a name of a body part? The REAL name?

Brother.

November 10, 2008 at 2:12 PM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

this is hilarious. truly.

November 10, 2008 at 2:37 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

Oh my god, girl. This was about the funniest thing I have read in a very long time. I was saying the same things, just not so eloquently.

I hope I never meet Oprah.

November 10, 2008 at 7:43 PM  
Blogger Z said...

I don't think watching that show cpould be as amusing as your recap... ;)

November 12, 2008 at 9:55 AM  
Blogger Braja said...

Holy crap, this is so funny:

14. I think the "domination" aspect would be enhanced if he had her ride in the trunk of the car, instead of in the passenger seat.

Can I come and live with you? I need this kind of therapy...seriously.

November 14, 2008 at 2:26 AM  
Anonymous Lish said...

Shit. I see that others above have already congratulated you on

14. I think the "domination" aspect would be enhanced if he had her ride in the trunk of the car, instead of in the passenger seat.

but who doesn't need to hear it three times? Simply beautiful.

Have you figured out I don't read your posts in order?

Also, I've been SO DYING to express my extreme disappointment that Oprah and Dr. Phil have turned to these at home viewers via SKYPE. SO ANNOYING. You have a perfectly good audience right in front of you. Who probably flew in from some godforsaken place. Thank you for letting me vent as my cat is sick of hearing it.

And please don't judge me by my guest blog. I can do SO much better than that given more time and a thesaurus.

November 14, 2008 at 4:33 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

For the first time since we've moved here, you actually got me to "miss" watching Oprah.

Wow - how sad am I?

November 14, 2008 at 10:42 PM  

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