Welcome to Porn Sunday

DAMMIT!  I am suffering from Premature Posting Disorder!  Sorry!  Come back and read this tomorrow!  Otherwise it's Porn Sunday on Saturday.

Welcome to the second installment of Marinka's Porn Sunday series.

If you did not join us last week, it's not too late to catch up on the last post here.  As a result of last week's post, an obscene (I slay me) number of people found by blog by googling "Danke 4 the Panky" which makes me think that it is indeed some sort of a pornographic classic and that we all should watch it and then discuss.

But that was last week, before we got a new President-elect.  This week, to celebrate the fact that our future President was a constitutional law professor, I thought that it would be patriotic to review the definition of pornography.  But because that's too long and draining, I'll go with my favorite, which is actually a concurring opinion by Justice Stewart and can be boiled down to "I know it when I see it."

You know who doesn't know it when she sees it? Oprah.  Let me explain.

I watched Monday's Oprah show because the promo said that it was "for mature audiences only" and I am, at heart, a fourteen year old boy.

Yay, Oprah will teach us about sex! Maybe I could learn something.

Well, maybe I would have learned something if I were watching the show from the Victorian era.

She had two panels of women, girlfriends, casually sitting in their living rooms, watching Oprah live, advising her if she ever "crosses the line".  Because apparently Oprah can no longer afford a producer.  This is exactly the type of thing that has me rolling my eyes so much that I develop optic nerve muscles.

But I'm being too harsh--because I did take away some valuable lessons:

1.  The sex therapist that she had on the show looked like Paula Abdul.

2.  Oprah told us that the haven't-had-sex-in-years couple who allowed their sex therapy sessions to be taped and then broadcast on the show as they appeared on the same show to discuss it are "brave" as opposed to "insane."

3. Sex therapist lady explains to confused Oprah that sex therapy is talk therapy and that she doesn't watch the people actually have sex.  

4.  Sex therapist lady told us that couples are often afraid to share their sexual fantasies with each other.  

5. When sharing sexual fantasies, there are three rules:  (a) be open and don't say things like "wow, I never knew what a sick fuck you are" when your partner divulges a fantasy; (b) be honest and tell your partner "I'm not really into the pimp-ho fantasy that you have going on there, so that won't be happening" and (c) if your fantasy involves sex with a friend, neighbor or an in-law, keep it to yourself. 

6.  The way that I understand these "sexual fantasy rules" is that unless your fantasy is about making love to your partner while cleaning the kitchen, better not say a word.  Although big, fat ditto on sex with in-laws, unless you're married to a Baldwin brother or something.

7. The haven't-had-sex-in -years woman's fantasy was to "be dominated" by her man.

8.  The haven't-had-sex-in-years man's fantasy was to "have sex".

9.  The sex therapist gave the haven't had sex in years couple a homework assignment:  He is to plan their whole date and be totally in control of the whole thing!  Because normally the no sex wife is in control of everything!

10. If I were their sex therapist my assignment to them would have been, "have sex and call me in the morning, but not too early, because I want to have my grande Pike Roast first and hearing about your sex life may gag me."

11.  The haven't-had-sex-in-years man starts the date by picking out his wife's clothes for her to wear.

12.  If Husbandrinka ever showed an interest in picking out my clothes for me to wear, we'd be appearing on Oprah as the Will-Never-Have-Sex-Again couple.

13.  The haven't-had-sex-in-years man drives the-haven't-had-sex-in-years woman to a restaurant, but won't tell her which one!

14.  I think the "domination" aspect would be enhanced if he had her ride in the trunk of the car, instead of in the passenger seat.

15.  After dinner we find out that the haven't-had-sex-in-years woman of the couple didn't know that she had a clitoris and that it had nerve endings.  I guess because she was too busy pussy whipping her husband.

16. Oprah didn't know if you could say clitoris on TV.

17. For any new blog readers, why not check out a recent clitoris post?

18. Oprah say "va-jay-jay". Sex therapist lady tells her that the proper term is "vagina".

Seriously--TV is never going to get better than having a doctor telling Oprah that.

Happy Sunday!