You know how sometimes you'll be on an airplane (usually when you're flying somewhere) and suddenly there will be turbulence and you'll think "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, ESPECIALLY ME!" and then you sort of calm down and realize that a trained professional is flying the plane, and not the Madagascar II penguins and feel all better? And then you remember that the trained professionals have to submit to mandatory drug testing and feel even better about the whole thing?
Well, wouldn't it be great if other professionals had to submit to mandatory drug testing as well? For example, those people who set up catalog shots.
Seriously, if you're used to getting catalogs, especially this time of year, take a look at them. And then let's try to guess what drugs these people are taking.
What were the directions for this shot?
"Ok, Miss, you thread the popcorn, because that's fun and you, big guy, look at the dog. But not like you're thinking of sodomizing him or anything, just like you're all-American and like dogs. Yes! This is the scene we need to sell long underwear to people who like to spend the most boring weekend together in the history of boredom."
Ok, so I've been to FAO Schwartz and they really have all these huge stuffed toys in their store. I always assumed that they were purchased either by Ricky Schroeder's character on "Silver Spoons" or by the Home for the Mentally Insane for some kind of Jungle Therapy, but never in my wildest dreams (get it? WILD?) did I think that these enormous animals were all going to be staged outside in an evolutionary incorrect manner. Hello? A unicorn? And on what planet are the dinosaurs romping around with zebras? On planet LSD, I say.
I don't know what to say.
"Can I get a stuffed zebra, daddy?"
"No, we're in the middle of a recession."
"Why can't I get a stuffed unicorn?"
" Because you're a whiny bitch, just like your mother, that's why!" shoves head through newspaper.
Mother: "You're so funny! I'm falling in love with you all over again!"
I want to know who thought that this image was going to sell pajamas, unless they were going for that subliminal "buy our shit or we'll bash your head in, too" thing.
So, please join me in insisting that these people be tested for drugs. Because we, and our children, deserve less fucked up catalogs.
Thank you and God Bless America.