Saturday, November 22, 2008

Back to the Future

Yesterday, I went to see a doctor.  He was very nice, but I'm still blogging about it. Because of what he said. 

I went to see the doctor because the day before I hurt my back by sitting at my desk and blinking, apparently. Or maybe thinking. I don't know. Whatever it was, one moment I was fine and the next moment I was in excruciating pain. Fortunately, John was nearby to provide words of comfort. I believe his exact words were "God rewards the good and punishes the bad". Really, who needs a heating pad when he's around?

I felt fine whenever I was totally still, but if I had to do something extraneous, like, say, breathe, I was in agony.  Adding to the agony was the total lack of ecstasy, since my husband left that day for a five day business trip, so I couldn't even milk this ailment by sitting in bed surrounded by fluffy pillows, the remote control, my favorite magazines and a bell, to be used whenever I needed a grape peeled or or a page turned.  Seriously, what is the point of not feeling well if your partner is not around? I don't know why people even bother, it's totally not worth it.

Fortunately, I have many family members who are in the medical field, which generally works out well for me because I am in the hypochondria field.  Within an hour, I had the following advice, from my nearest and dearest:

Mama: "You need to go to the gym."
Papa: "You need to wash the kitchen floor, the motion will be good for your back."
Some random guy: "Complete bed rest."
Husbandrinka: "You will need to change your lifestyle and exercise more."
John: "Dance with me. It'll be like Dancing with the Tsars." 

So given this mixed advice, I decided to seek professional help.  The doctor was nice and asked me if I was worried about the economy and the state of our country.  Always a good sign when they try to make small talk by terrorizing the shit out of you, so that you're begging for a quick death.  He xrayed me and said that everything looked fine and when I pointed to the alarming jagged lines that I saw on the film, reassured me that it was my pants' zipper.  Apparently that's a very common condition and not as dangerous as it looks.

He told me that I needed pain medication. I was 100% on board.  
"Have you taken any painkillers that were effective before?" he asked.
"Yes, morphine," I told him.  What?  What did you take after your C-section, Tums?
Well, he prescribed percocet.  And he told me that I should rest.
"Complete rest?" my tail started wagging.
"You can still cook and do the laundry," he said.  "I wouldn't carry heavy grocery bags."
Seriously, what the fuck?
Did I make the appointment in the mid-50s?  Last weekend, a guard at the museum made a passing reference implying that I cleaned a lot.
Is there something about me that screams domesticity? Because if there is, I'd like to have that something's vocal cords cut.  And not share the percocet.


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Blogger anymommy said...

You post at the perfect time for me to be first every day while I live in the middle of nowhere. Or, you could totally mess with me and approve me like 55th or something. But, then I'd look dumb. you wouldn't want that, would you? Maybe it would help your back (the chortling and all)? Certainly has to be a better suggestion than Papa's.

November 22, 2008 at 4:59 AM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

Ha! I wouldn't have even noticed that remark, which is kind of sad. And I never had a c-section, but I only took Motrin for pain, and I was TOTALLY stupid for doing that. I should have gotten the hard drugs when I could.

November 22, 2008 at 6:06 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

LAUNDRY? He is CLEARLY a quack. Except for the percocet.

(your tail was waggin' - that seriously cracked me up!!!)

November 22, 2008 at 6:17 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

wait- where did my comment go?

November 22, 2008 at 6:17 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

okay, so the tail wagging thing totally cracked me the hell up.

AND, the doctor is CLEARLY a quack. Except for the percocet.........

November 22, 2008 at 6:18 AM  
Blogger ingrid said...

dutch doctors would totally give you the same advice without the percoset.

seriously. i've dragged myself to the doctor mid horrible cold with cough and green snot and they tell you to rest for week. the good thing is that all employers go with this too, so there is no problem taking time off for illness.

it must be some calvinist thing about feeling the pain.

November 22, 2008 at 8:10 AM  
Blogger Tooj said...

Your husband says things I probably would. LOL My hubs gets a pain and I always say "you need to exercise more and you wouldn't get these weird pains." Good luck with the percocet!

November 22, 2008 at 8:14 AM  
Blogger Madge said...

if a doctor is not going to tell me to stop cooking and doing laundry and cleaning i have no need of seeing him. wait, first i would have to start cooking, cleaning and doing laundry to stop it, but you get the idea.

November 22, 2008 at 8:46 AM  
Blogger Newt said...

Enjoy the percocet. With any luck it will make you feel more like the 60's than the 50's.

November 22, 2008 at 9:10 AM  
Anonymous Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

I would have totally bitch slapped the Dr! Or at least shot daggers from my eyes while dreaming about bitch slapping him.

OK, about the pain...have you ever gone to a chiropractor? I highly recommend finding a network spinal analysis chiropractor. Mine has fixed me when a mere blink knocks me to the floor with back pain. Without meds. Although sometimes meds are good, it just puts a band aid on the problem and doesn't address the real issue.

Hope you feel better soon. Back pain sucks.

November 22, 2008 at 9:34 AM  
Blogger Heinous said...

Oh, I've always seen you as June Cleaver. I could be twins, right?

November 22, 2008 at 10:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rewarding the good and punishing the bad? Clearly I am reading the wrong book. I heard that only the boring die sober. Or something to that extent.

November 22, 2008 at 11:03 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

Doctors are too busy writing perscriptions for their wives to bother about us less fortunate souls.

Didn't people visit grand spa retreats in sexy European villas, surrounded by sexy service people, all sanctioned by doctors orders?

We have lost so much!

November 22, 2008 at 11:24 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I appear to be the only person that nearly peed herself at "Dance with me. It'll be like Dancing with the Tsars". That is the best line ever!

November 22, 2008 at 1:13 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

I'm in dire need of some percocet. Care to help a sister out?

November 22, 2008 at 5:06 PM  
Anonymous kia (good enough mama) said...

Jackass. Cook and do the laundry. Jackass.

"I'm in the hypochondria field..."

LMFAO, lady. Love. it.

November 22, 2008 at 8:31 PM  
Blogger Swistle said...

Hee. And can I SWEEP THE FRONT STEPS, as long as I don't VACUUM?

Percocet puts me in a forgiving mood, though.

November 22, 2008 at 8:53 PM  
Blogger Temple said...

Did he mention whether you would still be able to wander around the house wearing a lace-ruffled apron or if the meds would hamper your weekly beauty parlor trip to get your hair "set"? WTF? Oh well, the important thing is you got the drugs...that's what I told myself a few months back when the "stand-in" pharmacy guy (with the one bad eye) went to get my birth control pills, came back, looked at my left hand and said "But you're not married..." Really? Really?

November 22, 2008 at 11:17 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

Yeah. Next time you go to the doctors, take your apron off first. And remove your dishwashing gloves.

I am still waiting for a doctor to ask me what pain medication has worked for me so that I can look them in the eye and say "heroin". Because that is what I was prescribed after my c-section. Truth.

Oh, and can we get a guest post from your friend John? Or did he already do one and I missed it?

November 23, 2008 at 1:43 AM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I had horrible back pain over the summer. I went to see a chiropracter for knee pain and for only 300 bucks he gave me a back problem to go with it. Kind of a matched set. I think he just liked the idea of everything coming in sets of 2.

When I told him I had back pain and that my knee was still throbbing, he pointed to my head as in :

"your nuts."

Nice huh?

I didn't hit him b/c I was so shocked at his reaction that I could barely speak or walk for that matter.

November 23, 2008 at 5:01 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

Ugh. I remember when a doctor told me I needed to "do my wifely duty" if you know what I mean. I don't think he winked, but he might as well have.

November 23, 2008 at 6:47 PM  
Blogger Anna Lefler said...

Who is this infidel doctor? This has HMO written all over it.

Clearly, you should have a personal physician, ideally one who makes a great grilled cheese sandwich.

I'm picturing the Andy Griffith type.

Maybe without the whistling, though.

Hope you're back in full ninja form by now...

:^) Anna

November 23, 2008 at 10:40 PM  
Blogger Julia said...

My family loves to give me medical advice too. My mom is an ofice manager for a gastroentonologist so she thinks she is a doctor by osmosis. Oh well, at least I can get drugs from her ;)

November 24, 2008 at 1:42 AM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

DUDE ! I hurt my back this weekend too, doing absolutely nothing, giving more credence to your theory that Husbandrinka and PCSguy are one and the same.

Except PCSguy made me an appointment for a 90 minute massage, so he does love me more.

xoxo, SG

November 24, 2008 at 7:39 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

Beacuase baskets of laundry are lighter? than heavy grocery bags? Maybe I don't do my laundry often enough, but this does not compute.

Is this Dr. friends with Husbandrinka? Sounds like he might be.

November 24, 2008 at 9:03 AM  
Blogger Magpie said...

Mmm, opiates.

November 24, 2008 at 2:36 PM  
Blogger Z said...

Pssssst: I've still got a goodly stash of the good stuff - i.e. post-surgery drugs - stored at my place, if you need something extra.

Though really, for this kind of pain? I'd suggest a good swift kick to the you-know-where for anybody who even suggests you cook and clean... ACK! No!

November 25, 2008 at 1:24 PM  
Blogger WA said...

Maybe you should stop carrying around that squeegee.

November 25, 2008 at 1:29 PM  

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