Vote for me!
You know how except for asking you to visit the Whining blog and a few million other sites I never ask you for anything, right? And you're probably thinking that I'm unnaturally selfless. A giver.
Well, that's about to change, because I have a huge favor to demand.
Please vote for me as The Next Celebrity. This is something that I think I'd excel at and something (that I now realize) I've always wanted.
If I am the Next Celebrity, here is what I promise:
1. The US Weekly "they're just like us" spread will be just like looking in the mirror.
2. I know you're busy, so I guarantee that you will not have to spend one second of your precious time worrying that I'm "anorexic".
3. I have no talent (so don't forget to vote for me in the "Famous for doing absolutely nothing" category!) so I won't be a drain on your wallet--no movies to see, tv shows to watch or cds to buy! win-win-win!
4. I am at the hag threshold so you won't have to worry that I will have more babies and the incessant media coverage that surrounds that.
5. If I get befriended by Angelina, I'll totally spill all her secrets to you on this blog. I won't even blink (Team Aniston, baby!)
6. If Jen Aniston confides in me, I'll totally spill all her secrets to you on this blog. (Self promoting whore, Marinka, baby!)
7. I'm pretty sure that my new found celebrity will help me remain Permanently Intoxicated (See, #1, above).
8. I won't do that celebrity "my kids are not materialistic and love to play with sticks and rocks" crap. You will only see my children with the Wii remote melded into their hands.
9. I will totally make sure that my cat Nicki gets her own reality show! Watch as Nicki sneezes! Breaks a whisker! What could be more wholesome for the whole family?
10. If numbers 1-9, above are not sufficient for you, then you have really unrealistic celebrity expectations and I feel sorry for you.
Oh, and I have no idea about these election laws that we have in this country, so you'll probably have to contact your Congressman or chain yourself to the Capital to demand some answers about protocol. But I'm sure you'll agree that it's the least that you can do.
Well, that's about to change, because I have a huge favor to demand.
Please vote for me as The Next Celebrity. This is something that I think I'd excel at and something (that I now realize) I've always wanted.
If I am the Next Celebrity, here is what I promise:
1. The US Weekly "they're just like us" spread will be just like looking in the mirror.
2. I know you're busy, so I guarantee that you will not have to spend one second of your precious time worrying that I'm "anorexic".
3. I have no talent (so don't forget to vote for me in the "Famous for doing absolutely nothing" category!) so I won't be a drain on your wallet--no movies to see, tv shows to watch or cds to buy! win-win-win!
4. I am at the hag threshold so you won't have to worry that I will have more babies and the incessant media coverage that surrounds that.
5. If I get befriended by Angelina, I'll totally spill all her secrets to you on this blog. I won't even blink (Team Aniston, baby!)
6. If Jen Aniston confides in me, I'll totally spill all her secrets to you on this blog. (Self promoting whore, Marinka, baby!)
7. I'm pretty sure that my new found celebrity will help me remain Permanently Intoxicated (See, #1, above).
8. I won't do that celebrity "my kids are not materialistic and love to play with sticks and rocks" crap. You will only see my children with the Wii remote melded into their hands.
9. I will totally make sure that my cat Nicki gets her own reality show! Watch as Nicki sneezes! Breaks a whisker! What could be more wholesome for the whole family?
10. If numbers 1-9, above are not sufficient for you, then you have really unrealistic celebrity expectations and I feel sorry for you.
Oh, and I have no idea about these election laws that we have in this country, so you'll probably have to contact your Congressman or chain yourself to the Capital to demand some answers about protocol. But I'm sure you'll agree that it's the least that you can do.
Labels: Everyone is insane
posted by Marinka at
12:01 AM
41 Comments:
I'll vote but only if you promise to promote Trim Spa, slur your speech whenever the paparazzi approach and end your life with an epic baby daddy mystery where I will conclude that the baby daddy is your son!
Signed,
Sick Fuck ;-)
I will only vote for you if you promise to spend every night drinking and falling over in trashy nano-celeb hangouts.
That way you can get photographed stumbling into a taxi at 4am, bleary eyed and bedraggled, and have the photo alongside the others on the nano-celeb photo spread that we see in the paper everyday.
You have to promise to behave like a silly girl at a school prom every night, if you're unsure how to do this just watch the other z-list "celebrity" giraffes in their juvenile antics.
Is it a deal?
Whatever you need to do to plaster your image everywhere and promote yourself all over the blogosphere is fine by me.
Wait.
What do you want from me?
Where do we vote? And how can I contribute to your campaign?
Does this mean I get to post your pics now???? does it??????
I'll vote for you if you promise to go to rehab at least twice a year and to make sure you're photographed drinking and doing drugs the day you get out. Oh, and don't forget to get confused about your sexual orientation too. It will push your career along famously.
Oh yes...what blognut said...particularly about being confused about your sexual orientation.
Just one question, will you be wearing panties when you go out clubbing?
i'll vote for anyone that can befriend jen and angie at the same time. (apparently they're finally going to run into each other on sunday at the oscars!)
OK, but after your rehab/sextape/DUI/CD, please promise to start designing handbags.
I'd do anything for you!
Vodka Mom has pics of you...
I smell blackmail!
You got my vote. But only if you give me some of the free Oscar swag. That's the only reason I'd want to be a celebrity.
But -- and here's what really matters -- will you sing the National Anthem in a voice much worse than mine, on television at a major sporting event, preferably while drunk, so as to simultaneously disgust me with your lack of patriotism and vindicate my own lack of singing ability?
Also, you didn't tell me where to vote, and I was ready to click for you at least a dozen times after #1 alone.
I'll totally vote for you!
(In my best Southern accent) Love the hair! Hope you win!
Is this a worldwide election, or only America? Because I'd like to vote for you even if I can't. But you must promise to have a saggy bottom when you are Next Celebrity. Otherwise, no dice.
You had me at "they're just like us," but the rest of your case was just as enjoyable. Team Aniston for sure!
Hell yeah I'd vote for you!
But you must invite me to at least 1 premiere, preferably for someone like Johnny Depp.
I'm on team aniston too. And I'd totally vote for you, if only to see the show about Niki.
I will vote, but I do request at least one major scandal a month.... seen with a man young enough to be your grandson... using performance enhancing drugs... getting out of cab with no grunders.... randomly a lesbian... something to keep life interesting.
I'll vote for you only if you promise to do whatever it takes (that includes putting horrible things in your mouth)to get me locked in a room with George. I can take it from there.
And this whole time i thought you WERE a celebrity. Dammit! All that time wasted...
Where is the link to where I am supposed to vote?
That is a YES from me, and my multiple personalities too.
Who are you competing against. I'm 99.9% sure that I'll vote for you. But I like to have options.
Can I be your assistant??
That way I can totally sell you out down the road!!!
You think Vodka Mom has pictures wait till mine come out!!
Then I can write a book about the real you and I can become a celebrity too.....win win for both of us!
Well.... I'll vote for you if you can provide evidence that you will still look fabulous even while grocery shopping AND picking your nose. Maybe even picking your nose AT the grocery store. ;-) Is celebrity really worth it??
I'll vote for you if only to see the Nicki reality show.
I voted twice. A third time if you follow me on twitter.
At some point, this would guarantee pictures sans veil, so sign me up!
As the strippers in Gypsy say, It's not enough to have no talent. You gotta have a gimmick too. ;-)
You get my vote. I can't wait to read about you when I'm in line at the store.
But will the papparazzi agree to take photos only of the back of your head? And will a reality show of Nicki's butt be a hit? Only if you don't spay her, I'd guess.
Sigh. The things you have to do for celebrity these days.
Ok. I'll vote for you. It is the least I can do after your FAB guest post yesterday.
Hey, I'll be in NYC next Thurs!
I really needed that today. You are hilarious.
(Um, not that you couldn't be the next famous for doing absolutely nothing celebrity, because you totally could.)
sorry, but the "no talent" contest is mine for the taking. Gold medal for me baby, watch out
I knew Bern would come in and Queen it all over you. She has the moves. Mazel tov.
If you win will you do the Britney-getting-out-of-the-limo shot? Cause that's huge.
If Captain Dumbass won't hire me, can I be your limo driver? I will make everyone I know vote for you, beat up the paparazzi, leak only the stories and photo's you approve and play Wii with the kids when you need a break.
I always pegged you for Team Aniston.
Hell, I'd vote you in as president.
You've got my vote. As another very, very, very (I can't stress this enough) lazy person, I'd like to see more people like us in the public eye. We need to bring those type A, skinny, rich, successful types to heel.
I'm tired now and must go nap. I'll vote later.
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