Monday, February 9, 2009

Why Can't Everyone Sleep in their Own Damn House?

Shopping Spree announcement! Kate Coveny Hood is our grand prize winner! And since that's the only kind of winner we have, congratulations to her! And thank you for everyone who participated. Thank god it's over now, right?

Anyway, back to the regular blogarinka!


This past Saturday my son had two friends sleep over at our house and I am now very publicly vowing never to let this happen again. Lest we forget.

I've made this same vow before and a few weeks later my son will ask, reminding me that he is the unluckiest kid in the world and that the one way to remedy this is to have friends come over and I will relent. That's why I'm writing this down now, so that I will remember it forever.

What was I saying?

First of all, I don't even understand why they call it a sleepover, instead of say, Nocturnal Conduct Prohibited Under the Geneva Convention. My only guess is that "sleepover" is shorter.
Second of all, Husbandrinka was bedridden with a cold, so I was in charge of supervising the sleepover. I am furious that I didn't come up with some ailment before he called the cold.

This is what the three boys did:

Played Wii.
Inhaled pizza.
Played Wii.
Freebased ice cream.
Watched Star Wars, part whatever while masticating popcorn at eardrum shattering volume. Also, they talked throughout the entire movie--telling the one kid who hadn't seen it before exactly what was going to happen next (I'm as shocked as you are they he didn't knife them or anything).
Also, and somewhat alarmingly, one kid offered to give the other two boys a massage during the movie, but since they weren't watching Star Wars: The Empire Goes Brokeback, no one took him up on the offer.
Told me that they weren't ready to go to sleep yet.
Told me that this sleepover sucks because I am making them go to sleep when they are not sleepy which doesn't even make sense and they've never heard of such a thing.
One kid cried hysterically because he made a mistake and traded his Star Wars Lego Wii game for some Wii game that is basically garbage. Naturally, I assumed that this was a recent trade, and launched into a "well, a trade isn't final for 48 hours, so I'm sure that we can get it back," speech, but he told me that this trade occured last June. What the fuck?
So then my son becomes his attorney or something and says things like "It really is unfair to him. Why should he have to live like this, without his favorite Wii game?" Which caused the original crier to redouble his efforts and makes the other, non-crying guest announce that he can't sleep under these conditions.

While this multiple ring circus from Hell is going on, Husbandrinka, of course, is watching a Tivoed episode of America's Most Wanted about a woman whose boyfriend killed her with a sword in front of her young daughter. Presumably the woman is no longer subjected to her children's sleepovers, although in what I assume is meant to be a heartwrenching scene, host John Walsh reassures the poor little girl that her mother is watching her (and I'm guessing America's Most Wanted?) from heaven.
So the crying continues and I finally decide that maybe my grandmother was right when she left me to cry it out by saying "the more you cry, the less you'll pee" so I say a cheerful "good night!" to the by now hysterical Greek chorus and go back to my bed where my new Vivienne Tam HP mini is waiting for me (it's a laptop, you perverts). I am happily typing this post when Husbandrinka says, "do you have to hit the keys so hard?" because my hitting the keys is louder than a re-enactment of someone being slain
by a samurai. I am about to start in on this issue, when the Sleepover Cries settle the issue of what is The Loudest Noise.

The Wii trader does not want to live without his game. He simply cannot go on. Of course my normal course of action would be to say that as soon as the stores open in the morning, we're getting him a new Wii game, but the two other boys are witnesses and I'm afraid that this will make me look like someone who caves. (Of course I am someone who caves, but I don't want to look like someone who caves). So, I take it down a notch. I tell him that I understand how upset he is, I hear his pain and that I will definitely talk to his mother about it in the morning. (Am I the only one who feels like she's doing hostage negotiating when talking to kids like that, by the way?) This seems to work and after choking on the mixture of his own snot and tears, he falls asleep.

After the sleepover, I am elated. And not just because my son was excited to have his friends over and had a great night, no. Because the other parents now owe me.

60 Comments:

Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

Alright, I'll buy that kid his damn Wii game. Just tell him to stop whining.

We used to do levitations and pretend to sleep walk and eat craploads of candy at sleepovers. Clearly, Wii had not yet been invented.

February 9, 2009 at 12:08 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

I feel your PAIN!

I have outlawed sleepovers at this house. I THINK I hate other peoples children. BUT in the middle of the effing night, I KNOW I hate other peoples children!

February 9, 2009 at 12:13 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

That's always my first thought when another mom comes to my house to pick up another child.

February 9, 2009 at 12:14 AM  
Blogger Threeboys1mommy said...

They owe you big time!

How did you not bitch slap that little Wiiener!?! He would of told his parents about it and they'd never let him stay again. Wiin Wiin!

February 9, 2009 at 12:20 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

OMG, why did I have to read this? I am hosting my daughter's first sleepover EVER next weekend.

I'm sure your entire post was hilarious, but I can't stop laughing about massage-boy.

February 9, 2009 at 12:23 AM  
Blogger jill jill bo bill said...

I used to forbid my kids from asking themselves over to their friend's houses. Now on that I am down to #6 and #7 left at home, I encourage it greatly. "Call Matthew and see if he will have the sleepover since we did it last(year). I will send the (sweet caffeinated) drinks and (salty)snacks(that make you drink more).

February 9, 2009 at 12:36 AM  
Blogger phd in yogurtry said...

1-800-Rohypol?

February 9, 2009 at 1:22 AM  
Blogger jon said...

"the more you cry, the less you'll pee" WHAT? LMAO! I am so stealing that. I guess that makes sense. And I would rather cry myself to sleep if it means I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.

And I can't believe that kid was reliving his Wii trama from June. Was he the one doling out massages?

Now I'm hungry for pizza and ice cream...

February 9, 2009 at 3:25 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

Did you forget to mention how you gave husbandrinka the slap of his life when he complained about the keys?

February 9, 2009 at 3:31 AM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

hell ya they do.

February 9, 2009 at 4:06 AM  
Blogger Rachel Cotterill said...

This makes me so glad I don't have kids yet... my own, I think I could cope with, but you always end up with other people's, too...

February 9, 2009 at 5:16 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

I'd say it's worse with girls, but sounds like you ended up with at least one kid who was more than in touch with his feminine side.

February 9, 2009 at 5:46 AM  
Blogger momcat said...

The other kids hate me because I usually have a screaming fit halfway through and start throwing things around and everyone runs out of the house. I need my peace and quiet on the weekend people!

February 9, 2009 at 6:26 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

oh SWEET JESUS!! And as for freebasing ice cream? I might have to make that a morning center in kindergarten.

February 9, 2009 at 6:41 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

AND since I love Kate I won't be pissed. p.s.

February 9, 2009 at 6:41 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

Wii-trader needs to learn the fundamentals of wii-investment and the buy-and-hold strategy.

February 9, 2009 at 7:01 AM  
Blogger K said...

Having other parents owe you is key. I spent Saturday night babysitting other couples kids, just so I know that I have a favour in the books.

Thanks for the tips on sleepovers - how I know to say no when the time comes.

February 9, 2009 at 7:04 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

Exactly, someone else owes you now :)

February 9, 2009 at 7:05 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Dmn right. Call it in as soon as you can!

February 9, 2009 at 7:25 AM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

I always wind up with all the teenage girls in the neighborhood (by neighborhood I mean Warsaw) in my house on Friday night. I think it's because hubby and I go out on Friday nights.

But we get free babysitting. So it's all good.

February 9, 2009 at 7:35 AM  
Blogger Christy said...

Are you making this up? One of the boys offered to massage the others? Is that the type of thing you report back to that kids parents? haha!

February 9, 2009 at 7:47 AM  
Blogger Braja said...

If I want fairytales I'll go to a kiddies post. Tell me what really happened.

February 9, 2009 at 8:30 AM  
Anonymous Coco said...

OMG..Boys are worse than girls. My 7 yr old had a sleepover for her birthday. I bought tons of pizza, rented Disney movies and they were all passed out before 10:00 pm all over the living room floor. I turned off the movie, turned down the lights and was ever so grateful.

Coco

February 9, 2009 at 8:41 AM  
Blogger WA said...

I have a feeling this is how it's going to be in the hotel during BlogHer Chicago.

February 9, 2009 at 8:45 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

Wouldn't it be easier to send them on a Disney cruise?

February 9, 2009 at 8:59 AM  
Blogger Smores for Breakfast said...

Your husband is genius! Sorry you had to go through the craziness, but I'm sorry, I laughed my head off. Poor kid. He just realized his trade sucked? It's been months! I'm still laughing my head off.

February 9, 2009 at 9:01 AM  
Blogger Tiaras & Tantrums said...

that . was. hilarious . AND I am never having sleepovers - thanks for the warning!

February 9, 2009 at 9:02 AM  
Blogger Irish Gumbo said...

Jay-zus, I'll be quiet! "Freebasing ice cream" is probably the funniest thing I have read in the past week. *crying* OMG, you made my Monday morning.

And I knew that Tam mini was a computer! I did! Really! :)

February 9, 2009 at 9:03 AM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I have a friend with a boy my son's age who wanted her son to be popular so badly, she threw the best sleepovers EVER. She became the boys' chauffer (slave) for the entire weekend, devoting all her time to their fun...I miss those days...

Then she got smarter. Now that the boys are teens, she is very strict and controlling and they never want to stay at her house. I'm on to her.

February 9, 2009 at 9:04 AM  
Blogger Marinka said...

You guys! I've missed you so much over the past week. Somehow I'd gotten it into my pea brain that during the giveaway I couldn't respond to comments because WHAT IF I WON THE GIVEAWAY?

Mama Bird--while you're out shopping, I could also use neeeeew shooooooeeeessssss.

Sandi--I wish I had your wisdom. I should have told them that it was against our religion or something!

Kirsten--it's truly one of the gifts of parenthood.

Supermommy--lol @ Wiin Wiin! (Btw, I've been thinking about rechristening you wondermommy. Because I really like Lynda Carter. Thoughts?)

Rachel-- Cancel! Move! Don't leave a forwarding address! Save yourself, before it's too la-

jill--hee! I will learn from you.

PhD--on speedial! (btw, do people still have speed dial? Or when I say that, will my kids think I'm super old fashioned?)

February 9, 2009 at 9:08 AM  
Blogger jennygirltherat said...

My strategy with sleepovers is to scare the bejesus out of them early on with an extended rant, so they know that I am a monster. Then they STFU when they hear my door open. Remember: Children are predators; hostess behavior makes you the tethered goat.

February 9, 2009 at 9:25 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

The reason everyone can't sleep at their own damn houses is perhaps that at their own houses, they aren't sleeping either. At least, we aren't in ours. We have a near-three-year-old who is waking three or four times a night in screaming hysterics. It's super fun. At least all your torture happened before you went to bed.

Hmmm...this comment almost sounds like it should be a post over on the other blog. Sorry about that. I really meant to offer you some sympathy.

February 9, 2009 at 9:38 AM  
Blogger Jodi said...

I was just looking at that laptop on Amazon this morning (instead of working, like I'm being paid to do). Is it as pretty in real life?

As for the sleepovers, my 9yo has a bestie friend who insists on going to bed no later than 10:00pm. I love him.

February 9, 2009 at 10:07 AM  
Blogger PsychMamma said...

Ha! I frequently feel I'm involved in hostage negotiations with my 3 y/o! What a perfect analogy. :-)

February 9, 2009 at 10:14 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I thought only girl sleepover had the drama! Good to know what I"m looking forward to.

February 9, 2009 at 10:22 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

You're kidding! I won? I'm so excited!

And now I'm dreading sleep overs... But my oldest is only 3 - so I have some time on that I think.

February 9, 2009 at 12:00 PM  
Blogger ella said...

I fucking hate sleepovers. Unless its MY kid going to THEIR house. Then sleepovers rock.
I have a friend with a "absolutely no sleepover policy". She is a smart friend.
Don't ya wish you could micro chip the massage kid to see when he comes out of the closet?

February 9, 2009 at 2:18 PM  
Blogger lizspin said...

I'm still stuck on the massage. . . .

February 9, 2009 at 2:42 PM  
Blogger Magpie said...

This line is brilliant: "the more you cry, the less you'll pee"

Yes, those parents owe you.

February 9, 2009 at 2:46 PM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

i guess mommy forgot to put out the valium-laced cookie-crumbles with the ice cream?

February 9, 2009 at 3:17 PM  
Blogger Jaywalker said...

Damn, Marinka, how much fun were you having? I feel sort of left out. I also try to buy my way out of these kinds of tears. But then the CFO looms over my shoulder like a sinister store detective and tells me this is not allowed. And thus, the despair continues.

Basically we must engineer it so our children are friendless losers. I see no other way.

February 9, 2009 at 3:22 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

My oldest daughter is 5. She's gone to 1 sleep over (4 kids total) and had 1 sleep over (1 kid total, the rest came down with some illness and I can't say I'm sorry about the timing). Luckily I lived to tell you, that THERE WILL BE NO MORE SLEEP OVERS. Until she's in her teens, but possibly until she moves out. Until then, she can stay over night at her grandma's, and that's about it.

February 9, 2009 at 3:45 PM  
Blogger heartatpreschool said...

Hostage negotiations...that is perfect. Every bedtime feels like that for me. I'm the hostage in my kid's bedroom, and I have to negotiate my way out every time.

February 9, 2009 at 3:58 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

jon--the crying/peeing saying was like the mantra of my childhood. I should go on Dr. Phil or something.

mo--that part was censored out by the Committee for Marriage Preservation.

Maggie--and I hope they don't forget it. Maybe I should send a "friendly reminder".

Rachel--I know! Just as you get used to your own kids, other people's get sprung on you.

February 9, 2009 at 4:14 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

OMG, just kill me. For real. I would be so squealing my tires down the street leaving my husband to fend for himself with the crying Wii kid.

You're a saint for not killing any of them.

February 9, 2009 at 4:20 PM  
Blogger Maura said...

Congrats to Kate! That's so cool.

I now have Reason #527 to add to my list of why I'm glad I don't have kids: Sleepover.

February 9, 2009 at 4:21 PM  
Blogger Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

A sleepover? At your own house? Really? That is why I had babies when I already had a 7 year old stepdaughter living here. Its the best excuse ever to NEVER host a sleepover at my house!

February 9, 2009 at 4:29 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

By the grace of whatever, we have somehow escaped the need for sleepovers around here. I feel like I need to go put the laptop down and go knock on wood after just typing that. Hold on a second.

OK.

Seriously, over the next couple weeks, just drop your son aft each kid's house this his toothbrush and whatever toy won't cause trauma if broken, ring the doorbell, then dash off. Get your paybacks in fast!

February 9, 2009 at 4:43 PM  
Blogger shopgirl said...

Free-basing ice cream? Seriously girl - you is funny! REALLY needed a laugh today - thanks!!

February 9, 2009 at 5:23 PM  
Blogger Smart A$$ Mom said...

If I offer my fucking dog a wii game do you think he will stop whining or should I start freebasing ice cream?

-Stuck In A Rut In Jersey

February 9, 2009 at 6:04 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

God, do they owe you.

We've yet to do the sleepover thing yet. Let's keep it that way.

February 9, 2009 at 6:12 PM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

I don't know. You got some kick ass blog fodder out of the deal. What a kick ass post. Glad the giveaway is over and we're back to Empire goes brokeback and freebasing ice cream.

February 9, 2009 at 7:29 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Nice laptop! Saw pics of it for the 1st time earlier today.

Your account of the sleepover was beyond hysterical and a sure fire birth control method. LOL! My daughter doesn't ask for them much thankfully.

February 9, 2009 at 7:44 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

Wow. You're supposed to feed them corn chips, mashed potatoes and vanilla wafers. Sleepy foods.

Although freebasing ice cream never keeps me from taking a nap.

February 9, 2009 at 8:15 PM  
Blogger Elisa said...

I was feeling bad for you, until you mentioned you have the new Vivienne Tam HP laptop, hence changing my "ugh, poor her" into a "lucky bi**h" ;-)

Thank you for reminding me why I don't have sleepovers :-)

February 9, 2009 at 8:51 PM  
Anonymous apathy lounge said...

Yes, the multiple kid sleepover is someone in Hell's idea of a cruel trick. Also, what is it that no kid ever leaves by 9 a.m anymore?

February 9, 2009 at 8:59 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I hope - most likely in vain - never to have to host a sleepover.
So far I have managed to avoid them. Playdates are bad enough, I don't wipe my own four year old's bottom and suddenly I am expected to wipe all her friends'?
Whoops, wrong blog. I thought I was over at Secret Whine for a moment.

February 9, 2009 at 10:37 PM  
Blogger blognut said...

I had 6 teenage girls sleep here on Saturday night. Okay, 2 were mine, but they sprout new personalities with their friends around. When I'm done huddling in the fetal position eating my own hair, there will be a post... oh yes, there will be a post.

February 9, 2009 at 11:05 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

they owe you big time.

i'm not nice enough to host a sleepover. i'm not even nice enough to go to a class party.

February 10, 2009 at 2:40 PM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I hear you! Boys on sleepovers are just as tearful and fraught with anxiety as any princess-fest. I've decided I can handle ONE child extra overnight.... no more three or four kids sleepovers because they are too unpredictable!

February 10, 2009 at 9:27 PM  

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