Wednesday, February 4, 2009

And so it begins

There are few things that flip me out more than parents talking about their prepubescent children in cutesy-pseudo-sexual terms.

"Agoo! Are you a cutie putie baby? Are you a heart breaker? Yes, you are! Yes, you're going to have many, many boyfriends because you are such a looker, aren't you? Ooh! Diaper change!"

"How was school, young lad?"
"Gweat." (or if it's young ladrinka, "bowing".)
"Did you see your little girlfriend today?"
"I don't have a giwwend"
"Ha ha! Of course you do! That little Avery minx! Maybe the two of you will get married."


To me, it's creepy. I think adults do it because they have nothing else to talk to kids about, so they sort of pass on their own dating dramas unto them. And you know what? That's fucked up.

Or so I thought.

So, the other day, I was mid my morning routine, when the phone rang. It was the dad of one of the girls in my son's class apologizing for calling so early but telling me that Jezebel is insisting on a playdate with young ladrinka. This was alarming because up until that point we've been following the normal 2nd grade protocol of gender segregation, which I was hoping would continue until after I'd been cremated and safely placed on the shelf.

"Sure," I lied. "He'd love to."
If you're wondering why I lied, you're obviously new to this blog, so welcome! To bring you up to date, I lie only when it's easier than telling the truth. And sometimes just for the hell of it.

So we set up a playdate for the weekend. Which was convenient because I had beauty treatments scheduled, but was also inconvenient because young ladrinka said, in sum and substance, "fuck that shit," except in much nicer, albeit less expressive terms. Irony.

But the playdate finally took place and he was smitten. Not so much with Jezebel, but with the cool gym in her building and her older brother's toys.

Is that how it happens? They lure you with toys?

"I had fun, but I'm not marrying her," he told me.

That's right, young ladrinka. You're not.

Reminder!
Scary Mommy, OHMommy, A Southern Fairy Tale and I are doing our first ever joint giveaway and it's a doozy! Check out the EZ to Read and Understand Rulz here! Go and read so that you don't fuck it up.


63 Comments:

Anonymous Auds at Barking Mad said...

It's been forever since I've been out here and I've missed it.

I just about wet myself laughing at your comment over at 3boys1mommy's place on her post about soda pop. That was one of the funniest things I've read in forever.

And yes...they lure you with toys...at least that's how we did it back in the stone ages when I was a kid.

February 4, 2009 at 12:09 AM  
Blogger silvergirl said...

Similarly, I am creeped out by little girls wearing string bikini tops at the beach, sexy little tops with teensy little triangle patches to cover their baby nipples. It's so wrong!

Damn I wish I could wear those.

February 4, 2009 at 12:13 AM  
Blogger Alex and Ashley said...

I've had mommies brag to be how many "boyfriends" their 5 year old girl has, like it was a status thing...

February 4, 2009 at 1:00 AM  
Blogger one little simitopian said...

Ohhhhh I'm hearing you loud and clear.I've been practicing my menacing "I'm a mind-reading serial killer" face for that dreaded moment in the future when my daughter starts looking at boys in "that way". Any potential boyfriends will be rapidly scared away.
P.s. I just noticed that my humble little blog has become one (of the many, but anyway..) that you follow! Nawwwww.... very flattering indeed! Thanks!

February 4, 2009 at 1:10 AM  
Blogger Qweenie said...

I hate that shit! I absolutely hate those mothers who say "oh my little so and so would be perfect for your little so and so. Wouldn't that be fun?"....Um no, thanks anyway...I mean WTF?

February 4, 2009 at 1:19 AM  
Blogger Frau said...

your crack me up ! Thanks so much need great humor today!

February 4, 2009 at 1:38 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

What do you have against that little Avery minx?

February 4, 2009 at 1:47 AM  
Blogger heartatpreschool said...

2nd grade? Really? I've only got two more years of bliss before I have to deal with that? Great.

February 4, 2009 at 2:00 AM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

Hilarious! And I totally agree that it's disturbing when parents/adults (how many times have I been told that my youngest child will be a heartbreaker?) talk like that.

My oldest son though has a super serious crush on a girl in his class. I have no idea how she lured him in. None whatsoever. It wasn't toys. I think it's her Latina hotheaded personality. In other words, she yells at him a lot.

Ah, she reminds him of me.

February 4, 2009 at 2:19 AM  
Blogger Rosie&James said...

I'm just trying to get past my mom trying to get hubbie and I to have kids "I got food poisoning and spent the day throwing up." "Are you shure it's not morning sickness that lasted all day? That would be great! Is it a boy or a girl?" Mom's probably tired of my food babies.

February 4, 2009 at 2:52 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

Just wait until he starts bringing home notes from girls in his backpack. The Boy is in 3rd grade and I'm already dealing with that. Fortunately, he says he doesn't like it; unfortunately, he saves the notes. (!!!)

February 4, 2009 at 4:23 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

My daughter knows that she can't have a boyfriend until she is 30. You need to be firmer with your children Marinka!

February 4, 2009 at 6:08 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

My mom always had a rule: Never tell a lie when the truth makes a better story. Good luck with the gender segregation thing: I dealt with boys calling all the way through junior high and high school for my daughter, and she's gay.

February 4, 2009 at 6:21 AM  
Blogger Christy said...

Yes, they do lure them with toys! Your post reminded me of that one Seinfeld episode where George and Jerry drug Jerry's girl to go play with her classic toy collections.

And I totally agree - too much, too soon. I hate seeing tiny little girls wearing skimpy bathing suits in the summer too. ugh.

February 4, 2009 at 6:41 AM  
Blogger SCREAMING FOR CHOCOLATE said...

Kids just need to stay kids. Life comes at you fast enough....

Coco

February 4, 2009 at 7:10 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

The dad is clueless and doesn't understand 2nd grade protocol.

February 4, 2009 at 7:17 AM  
Blogger Tiffany @ Lattes And Life said...

So with you on this one. A certain someone I know is famous for this crap. When my son was a baby, this someone talked about how he (my son) was flirting with our waitress...or looking at pretty girls. He even went so far as to talk about how our son and a friend's daughter (two months apart) would probably end up "buddies" in their teens. It's so gross!!!! Let them be babies for crying out loud!

February 4, 2009 at 7:34 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

When I was an early teen, one of my friends referred to her period as her "Jezebel". So, I'm having a hard time seeing past that. I hope your son wasn't playing with a period. That would be gross.

February 4, 2009 at 7:45 AM  
Blogger Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

It's always the boys...as a friend of mine was leaving with her 5 Y.O. she made him say good-bye to my 4 Y.O.:
"Fine, but I'm not marrying her!"

February 4, 2009 at 8:02 AM  
Blogger Ronda's Rants said...

My three year old grandson loves girls, older to boot and we do nothing to encourage this!
If a pretty girl walks by...he turns to mush! He can't talk or walk he is just gah gah!
Just like his Dad...no game! :)

February 4, 2009 at 8:14 AM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Yeah, I am never crazy about people talking about my daughter getting married, mostly because I am in denial of her growing up.

No, I am not in therapy. Yes, I should be.

February 4, 2009 at 8:38 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Ha! You are so right. People comment on my niece and my daughter about how their figures will be when they grow up. I'm like, "They're 9 for f*ck's sake! Don't give them image issues this young you idiots!"

February 4, 2009 at 8:57 AM  
Blogger jill jill bo bill said...

I only pre-arrange marriage when they are under one yr old and their parents have a substantial inheritance looming. After one, they are on their own.

February 4, 2009 at 9:00 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

Speaking as one who was NOT betrothed I say Seal The Deal Now. While he can still be happily bought off with toys. It will make everyone happier in the long run. And get a very good pre nup. Including grandparental rights. And full elderly care. Always good to plan ahead.

February 4, 2009 at 9:18 AM  
Blogger Krissi said...

Found your blog thanks to "Scary Mommy" and you my friend are freakin HYSTERICAL!!!!

February 4, 2009 at 9:20 AM  
Blogger WackyGrandma said...

At 5-yrs old my granddaughter has a boyfriend that she is going to marry. Disturbing!!!

February 4, 2009 at 9:20 AM  
Blogger WA said...

I also got my husband to fall in love with me because he liked my gym and my brother's toys. And no, those aren't euphemisms.

February 4, 2009 at 9:22 AM  
Blogger Tiaras & Tantrums said...

pretty funny that he associated marriage with a playdate over at a girl's!! A boy invited my daughter over to his house . . . I said no, but mainly b/c I didn't know them!

February 4, 2009 at 9:23 AM  
Blogger Smart A$$ Mom said...

You failed to mention those parents that whisper to their boy show no body is a great as Mama. And swear to make all women who come into their lives hell. Because those women? PURE.GENIUS.

February 4, 2009 at 9:31 AM  
Blogger Crystal D said...

Yeah that totally creeps me out. I hate when people tease my girls about having boyfriends at ages 5 and 3. Seriously, what's next a date for my 4 month old?!?
Yuck.

February 4, 2009 at 9:32 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

hahaha...
just wait it only gets worse. Lil' girls calling themselves...not following the rules!

very creepy!

February 4, 2009 at 9:32 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

hahaha...
just wait it only gets worse. Lil' girls calling themselves...not following the rules!

very creepy!

February 4, 2009 at 9:32 AM  
Blogger phd in yogurtry said...

Yes, about luring with toys. And when the girls turn legal, the toys turn rabbit shaped.

I'm totally in with the crowd who doesn't turn every boy-girl friendship into romantic possibility. Let them be friends for gawdsakes. We wonder why kids are experimenting younger and younger?

February 4, 2009 at 9:36 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

At his age, I think they don't lure you with toys; they lure you with big brothers. Don't all young boys LOVE to play with slightly older boys? My son is infatuated with anyone who is 2-3 years older. I'm not saying ladrinka won't like girls one day, only that right now he's probably in the boy-love phase. And I mean that in the most benign and non-creepy, not-foisting-adult-desires-on-a-child way possible.

February 4, 2009 at 9:45 AM  
Blogger koopermom said...

My 3 year old tells ME he has a girlfriend. I think I'm doomed.

February 4, 2009 at 9:49 AM  
Blogger Momisodes said...

I'm with you. I find it incredibly creepy. And I'm sure I'll still feel the same way 30 years from now.

February 4, 2009 at 9:51 AM  
Blogger Amy - playhereoften.com said...

I especially love it when it is a complete stranger making the comments and they just keep going on and on...creepy.

February 4, 2009 at 10:09 AM  
Blogger Meredith said...

Oh yes I know...my four year old came home and told me her teacher said a lil boy in her class was her boyfriend and they were gonna get married. That teacher and I need to have a talk!!!

February 4, 2009 at 10:12 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

you heterosexuals. always pushing your agenda.

February 4, 2009 at 10:18 AM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I am also creeped by parents who try and make their children ghetto hip. The other day a two year old at the market had a full on mohawk, a fake bling gold chain with medallion, and rap clothes.

February 4, 2009 at 10:44 AM  
Blogger Simply AnonyMom said...

That is too funny.

I will admit, my sons favorite t-shirt says "the incredible HUNK" on it...but he thinks it says incredible hulk so do I get a pass??

February 4, 2009 at 10:55 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

My girls cannot date until their 30. LOL. My oldest was liked by a little boy starting at 2 in preschool. He sent her I love you notes etc. He was really sweet though. It does start so young. My daughter is not interested in boys yet she is only in first grade but I am so glad. I want to keep her a child for as long as possible.

February 4, 2009 at 10:59 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Def. feel ya. Although, I am on the other spectrum which will be sad when my son is old enough to realize his playmates are mostly girls and he isn't cool with that...b/c their moms are my friends.

February 4, 2009 at 11:00 AM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

This is so cute. I posted just today about how the girls better back off of my son, though in 1st grade he's already dodging "let's play Get Married" games at school.

February 4, 2009 at 11:04 AM  
Blogger Trenches of Mommyhood said...

I'm guessing her real name wasn't Jezebel?

February 4, 2009 at 11:26 AM  
Blogger bernthis said...

funny, I thank God we haven't segregated our play dates yet as the few friends I do have here all have boys.

February 4, 2009 at 12:05 PM  
Blogger Miss M said...

I'm with you on this one. My daughter told me last night that she has a crush on a particular Jonas Brother. Ew! She's seven!

February 4, 2009 at 12:37 PM  
Blogger Herb of Grace said...

I have to confess, I'm one of those that looks on every young man in my daughter's circle of acquaintance with an eye to future potential. I tell myself I'm just being a protective mommy. Dh says I'm a bit obsessive. Whatever.

February 4, 2009 at 12:39 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

This explains a lot about my bad luck with boys in 2nd grade.

February 4, 2009 at 2:27 PM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

That irks me too.

As if they won't have enough time for that dating drama later in life.

And the kids don't even see the genders until they're older anyway.

February 4, 2009 at 2:42 PM  
Blogger Elisabeth said...

LOL!! That's funny!

February 4, 2009 at 2:52 PM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

Smart lad. You're obviously a great mum.

February 4, 2009 at 3:04 PM  
Blogger PsychMamma said...

I think Ladrinka should watch out for any girls named Jezebel. Even if they have nice toys. Or maybe especially if.....

February 4, 2009 at 3:23 PM  
Blogger JuneBug said...

adulterizing kids is kind of like humanizing cats (as in... katrinka?) isn't it??

February 4, 2009 at 5:08 PM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Yeah, the sexualization of the under-10 set is disturbing... Parents play right into it, don't they? The dim-witted ones, anyway. ;-)

February 4, 2009 at 5:57 PM  
Blogger TMCPhoto said...

I'm already dealing with the opposite sex at 2. On of my daughters little friends (a boy) will only go to playgroup if my daughter will be there too because she's toot

February 4, 2009 at 6:01 PM  
Blogger C and C Mommy said...

Tell him to stay away from girls!! They are all crazy!!

February 4, 2009 at 7:12 PM  
Blogger Temple said...

I thought it worked the other way around...we girls using boys for their toys...hmmm. A new generation of equality :) So, where are you guys on the new cat these days?

February 4, 2009 at 7:48 PM  
Blogger Maura said...

First let me state that I'm pissed that comments for yesterday's post are closed just because of your contest! I had a pithy comment all ready and now you're not going to get to enjoy it.

That said, woo-hoo, contest entry!!!

Not being around the kid set, I've never encountered this phenomena. For this, I am grateful. But I'm glad ladrinka has already had his first lesson in how women will use what's available to make them their slaves. Never too early to start.

February 4, 2009 at 8:16 PM  
Blogger Susan said...

That totally annoys me too!
Glad the playdate went well without pledging undying love at 8 years old.

February 4, 2009 at 9:06 PM  
Blogger Mariah said...

Those kinds of parents ore freaks for sure. What the fuck? Whay don't they justgo ahead and say "Oh I bet you're going to have a big penis my little cutie pie"

BARF

February 4, 2009 at 10:14 PM  
Anonymous Alecia said...

you're so funny, but i feel you.

February 4, 2009 at 11:45 PM  
Blogger Bernadette said...

What a great story :) Please enter me in the giveaway!

February 4, 2009 at 11:46 PM  

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