Monday, January 26, 2009

The Date was Blind, Unfortunately I Wasn't

This weekend, I read Tucker Max's book--I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.  He also has a website and is a self-proclaimed asshole.  The thing about people who admit to being assholes is that they very rarely underestimate themselves.  But he is an excellent writer and hysterical and I'll take asshole over dullard any day.  Except maybe Thursdays. I really recommend checking him out (although it's not for the easily offended) and then after you read his stuff, my cruelty to unattractive people won't seem so bad in comparison.  Also, check out Mein Kampf.  Because, really, I come out smelling like a fucking rose after that.

I've been on two blind dates in my whole life and one of my big fears is that Husbandrinka will leave me and I'll have to go on a third one.  Because things happen in threes.

The first blind date was when I was in high school. It didn't go well, although he was handsome and paid me the highest compliment that I'd ever received. He told me that I looked like Linda Evans. Why a fifteen year old girl would find it complimentary to be compared to a post-menaupasal tv star with immovable hair isn't clear to me right now, but back then, wow.

But this is about blind date number two, when I was approximately 24. The one that my mother set me up on with her friend's son. A friend that I've never heard of before or since. Over the years, I've tried to think of a conversation that must have preceded this decision:

Mama: My Marinka is still single. Everyone else's daughters are married and have children. Why am I so cursed?
"Friend": It's different now. Women want careers. She's still young.
Mama: Young? HA! She's in her 20s. When I was in my 20s, I already had my Marinka. Maybe that was my mistake. Having a baby so young. Maybe God is now punishing me with an unmarried daughter.
"Friend": Don't talk like that. She'll meet someone.
Mama: I doubt it.
"Friend": But Marinka is so beautiful. I've never seen her, but she is your daughter.  Is she a model?
Mama: She is a model of single. I am so unlucky. Woe is me. Do you know any single men?
"Friend": Well, my son-
Mama: Perfect!

It was not love at first sight for "Dave" and me. We met at my favorite Thai restaurant in SoHo and I know that I'm a very shallow person and that appearances are not everything but as soon as I walked into the restaurant and saw him, I immediately started dialing convents, because if THAT is what was out there, the vow of celibacy would be like a cool breeze on a stiflingly ugly summer day.

The fact that we were incompatible, however, did not seem to deter him.
"How do you feel about moving to New Jersey?" he asked me at dinner.
"Why?" I treaded cautiously because depending on where he fell on the issue, I was either relocating to the Garden State or petitioning for NJ to secede from the union.
"I don't see myself raising a family in the City," he told me. "There's pollution, and the crime rate. I think New Jersey is a much better environment for kids."
It took a few terrible seconds for me to realize that he was talking about the two of us raising a family together. I may have had a mini-stroke at that point or passed out for a few moments, because the next thing I remember was telling him how the last thing that I wanted was a family, how my career was my life and that I'm glad that we got this out of the way before things progressed "too far" between us, neglecting to mention that by "too far", I meant the second course. The only problem with my speech was that I was unemployed and had no goals besides "do something amazing", but whatever.
He inquired about my career.
"I'm not sure what field I will pursue," I told him, looking around the restaurant for inspiration. "Something in the beer industry."
"Beer industry?"
"Yes, beer. I love beer." I ordered a second beer.
"Don't you think that one beer is plenty?"

Things didn't improve. With the exception of both being members of the same species, we had nothing in common. By the time he ordered desert, I felt as though I'd undergone an emotional cliterectomy. At the end of the evening, I was fully prepared to die alone. Hopefully within the hour.

Breaking News! I just asked Husbandrinka if he ever had a blind date and he said "I'm not really remembering specifically" which means "Yes, and I am still in love with her."



Blogger Braja said...

" Because, really, I come out smelling like a fucking rose after that."

You are fucking hilarious. Seriously.

January 26, 2009 at 4:13 AM  
Blogger anymommy said...

He suggested you only drink one beer on a blind date? Is her a serial killer now?

PS You know Husbandrinka loves only you. And hopefully, he's cute, because otherwise, if he leaves you for the blind date, I fear how you'll flay him. On the blog, of course.

January 26, 2009 at 4:26 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Did you ask him if he liked cats?

January 26, 2009 at 5:20 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

My only fear is that my husband will never leave me.
Could that Linda Evans compliment -thing have more to do with your shoulder pads than your locks?

January 26, 2009 at 5:58 AM  
Blogger rachael said...

Oh that is too funny, lol.

Beer, I want to go into Beer. LOL

January 26, 2009 at 6:27 AM  
Blogger one little simitopian said...

I discovered your blog only recently. You are hilarious! Thanks for making me giggle :)

January 26, 2009 at 6:30 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

He probably still tells people about the time he went out with a Linda Evans look-alike with dreams of being a bartender in New Jersey.

January 26, 2009 at 6:38 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

You're right about Thursdays, the worst day of the week without a shadow of a doubt. There's nothing worse than a bad Thursday that drags into a Friday. Hell is essentially just one infinite Thursday.

January 26, 2009 at 7:17 AM  
Blogger Irish Gumbo said...

"an emotional clitorectomy" - Marinka, I learn more here before 8:00 a.m. than most folks do all day. What a stunning turn of phrase! :) I'll be cleaning my computer screen now...

January 26, 2009 at 7:25 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

Ah, blind dates. The world's best argument for staying married.

January 26, 2009 at 7:50 AM  
Blogger WA said...

I've seen a lot of guys reading the "Serve Beer In Hell" book at the airport. They're also usually wearing flip-flops and baseball hats and aspire to be Matthew McConaughey.

January 26, 2009 at 8:22 AM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

I am starting to remember my first blind date.... when I was 23 and my own mother was cursing a her single daughter. LOL.

January 26, 2009 at 8:31 AM  
Anonymous Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

I just asked Husbandrinka if he ever had a blind date and he said "I'm not really remembering specifically" which means "Yes, and I am still in love with her."

I was giggling until this...LOL!!! That is totally an exchange that would happen between me and my husband. Too funny.

January 26, 2009 at 8:50 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Speaking of serial killers, I had a blind date once (sadly, it wasn't the only one I went on; however, thankfully, it was the only one with the party involved) to an amusement park. At several points in the day, the young man would climb the quaint light poles meant to seduce you into thinking you were strolling around pioneer villages, and pretend to unload machine guns into the passing innocents.

The date ended when I turned to find his pretend rifle trained on me, and I whipped out a large pretend hand gun and got to him first. He asked for a kiss as his final request. All I could do was simply kiss the day I'd just lost away.

January 26, 2009 at 8:58 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

LOL! Something in the beer industry?! Good answer!

January 26, 2009 at 9:08 AM  
Anonymous apathy lounge said...

I read a book by Tucker Max while standing in the humor section of the book store. I can't remember if it was the one you mentioned or not. Jury is still out on what I think, but one thing for sure: Dude doesn't pull any punches.

January 26, 2009 at 9:34 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

Entirely brilliant.

January 26, 2009 at 9:42 AM  
Blogger Pink in a sea of blue said...

Irish Gumbo took my response. "Emotional cliterectomy"-brilliant description. So where is this guy now? NJ- alone?

January 26, 2009 at 10:12 AM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

This is funny - he talked about moving to Jersey and having kids on the first date?! Freak & AHHH!

Love the opening. Assholes who know they are assholes truly do never underestimate themselves. It's comforting in a world where you can't depend upon much.

January 26, 2009 at 10:19 AM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

What Braja, Goddess and Gumbo said. Because I have no original thoughts.

January 26, 2009 at 10:21 AM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

A emotional cliterectomy? Where do you some up with this shit? I am in awe.

January 26, 2009 at 10:36 AM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

So Husbandrinka is in love with another woman?

January 26, 2009 at 10:39 AM  
Blogger The Panic Room said...

I get tired of just telling you how funny you are all the time, but something tells me you don't get tired of hearing it.

I think your Mother should guest blog someday and tell the story of when she set you up with this hero.

January 26, 2009 at 10:56 AM  
Blogger Mary Moore said...

Never been on a blind date, but I wish I had...they sound like a lot of fun!

January 26, 2009 at 11:21 AM  
Blogger phd in yogurtry said...

"an excellent writer and hysterical and I'll take asshole over dullard any day."

You took the words (that I never would have found) right out of my mouth. I found the book a raucous, if maybe a bit unbelievable. Definately self aggrandizing. But still, funny as shit. I couldn't finish it though. The one where someone shit all over the bed? Nah. And the video cam in the closet? Rape. But worth the read until then.

January 26, 2009 at 12:51 PM  
Blogger Tooj said...

I'd start looking in private investigators to get to the bottom of Husbandrinka's blind date. Who knows where she is still lurking....? (one beer? buzz killer)

January 26, 2009 at 1:06 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

i have had so many blind dates. Most of them are tortuous. There have been a few good ones. Mostly due to heavy drinking. I always thought it would be so romantic to meet your husband on a blind date. But alas, that was not my destiny.

January 26, 2009 at 1:14 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

Marinka: " she a model?"
Friend: "...a model of single."

That is hi-lar-ee-ous!!!

[I spelled that very wrong, but the spelling is necessary to the emphasis of hilarity] :)

January 26, 2009 at 1:42 PM  
Blogger Smores for Breakfast said...

yes, tucker max is not for the faint of you know there's a movie coming out about him?

Blind dates are the worst. I never went on one that panned out to anything. And I stopped being friends with the person who set me up. I mean the nerve to set me up with a person like THAT!

January 26, 2009 at 1:47 PM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

i LOVE stories that make fun of the blind! that's why i'm so sad the whole gov. patterson / kennedy / gillibrand story seems to be over :-(

January 26, 2009 at 1:49 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

was he as ugly as the last one I posted about?

January 26, 2009 at 2:03 PM  
Blogger ms. changes pants while driving said...

i read his book a few years ago! i saw it at the bookstore, opened to some random page, and loved it.

after i read it, though... ugh. i needed a shower and a beer. the man is disgusting. BUT, it gives me hope for writing my own book. if that book can be published (i kept finding grammatical erorrs), then anyone can write a book, right?

January 26, 2009 at 2:16 PM  
Blogger Renée aka Mekhismom said...

He suggested only one beer? After such illuminating dialogue about having a family? On the first date? Hell, he is lucky that you didn't ask for the whole damn bar!

January 26, 2009 at 3:26 PM  
Blogger Susan said...

I had a blind date once. He picked me up from work but not until he'd gone up to each of my colleagues with his cane and dark glasses telling them he was "Susan's blind date." What a fucking asshole.

So glad you visited and decided to follow! I'm interested in your Russian heritage as my two youngest were adopted from Kemerevo and Novokuznetzk, (or however the hell you spell them).

And Braja is right - you're fucking hysterical!

January 26, 2009 at 3:51 PM  
Blogger ella said...

Tucker Max IS funny, but I can't help but think he's what's wrong with most men.

January 26, 2009 at 4:25 PM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Thinking you only need one beer is an abomination. Or at least it's weird.

January 26, 2009 at 5:05 PM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

"Emotional Cliterectomy" is going into my personal lexicon...

I feel like my kids give me an emotianal hysterectomy every day, but I cannot wait to pull this one out for my husband the next time he says some manly, insensitive comment.

January 26, 2009 at 5:55 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

Uh ....yes.. Marinka you just made me spit out the drink that I was drinking.

My honey loves Tucker Max and cannot wait for his upcoming movie. What does that say about him and us? Tucker's stories are crazy. I have learned so much from Tucker while being offended all at the same time.

January 26, 2009 at 5:57 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

I might have had a mini stroke??? Christ I am laughing my ass off right now.

damn you are GOOD woman. damn good.

January 26, 2009 at 6:56 PM  
Anonymous Poison said...

"emotional cliterectomy"

Ha, that had to be one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Really enjoy your blog!

January 26, 2009 at 7:52 PM  
Anonymous selphie said...

You must have read that book wrong. He isn't funny at all. I couldn't even finish it.

January 26, 2009 at 10:38 PM  
Blogger Heinous said...

The cliterectomy sounds stingy. I'm hoping you recovered from that one.

January 26, 2009 at 11:26 PM  
Blogger Lana said...

I've been on one blind date. That was enough for me. Never again!
I'm sure yours were more painful than described, but you retold the story with such grace and elegance. I mean, who can compare a date to an "emotional cliterectomy"? YOU!! You're hilarious!!

January 27, 2009 at 12:08 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

"I felt as though I'd undergone an emotional cliterectomy". - that is the best line ever.

January 27, 2009 at 12:44 PM  
Blogger SweetPeaSurry said...

I went on a blind date once. The guy was smashingly hot!! I proceded to get him drunk, take him home, and have my way with him.

January 29, 2009 at 9:18 PM  
Blogger Z said...

The fact that you just used "cliterectomy" in a post makes you my new hero for the hour! :)

January 30, 2009 at 9:41 AM  
Blogger Snotty McSnotterson said...

He's definitely still in love with her. I would explore this further, possibly after a bottle or two of wine.

January 30, 2009 at 1:13 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home