A Sick Fuck
I had dinner with a girlfriend the other night and she mentioned a friend of hers, an elderly man that she'd known for years. So I had a brilliant idea. "Hey," I told her, "Why don't you Anna Nicole Smith him?" My friend didn't think that the idea was quite as brilliant as I did, the main flaws being that she is not a whore like Anna Nicole Smith and this guy may or may not have any money, and also apparently things didn't work out so well for Anna Nicole Smith. Overall, I was left feeling like maybe there was something wrong with me. You know, mentally.
This isn't the first time that Anna Nicole Smith has screwed me. There was that time that there was a paternity debacle--who was her daughter's father? Not The Howard Stern or that blond guy? I had another brilliant idea at the time. "You know," I told John, "I bet her son is the father of her baby."
"What?" John asked. John is hard to shock. Once when I had a panic attack, John calmed me by saying, "Put your head down between my legs."
"Well, you know she and her son were always close, he died mysteriously, right when the paternity thing was hitting the fan. I bet he was the father."
Instead of embracing my brilliance, John attacked: "Only a sick fuck would come up with something like that."
"Time will tell!" I was feeling smugly confident.
Unfortunately, time was not on my side and the blond guy is the kid's father. DAMMIT.
And then it happened again. The US Airway flight lands in the Hudson River and the pilot is hailed as a hero.
"I bet he did it on purpose," I told Husbandrinka.
"Ridiculous. He executed an incredibly hard landing. He saved lives."
"Why would someone do something like that on purpose?" Husbandrinka asked.
"You know, the attention. I heard he has a lot of new fans on Facebook. People will do lots of crazy shit to become popular on Facebook."
Husbandrinka didn't buy it. And this morning he tells me that the New York Times reports that the co-pilot reported seeking a flock of birds to the right of the airplane. And passengers reported hearing a thud. I don't know. I'd like to see their Facebook pages before I decide.