Friday, January 16, 2009

Don't Touch My Hair, You Hetero!

Although many of them are my friends and I have nothing against them in principle, no way in fucking hell am I going to let a heterosexual-American touch my hair professionally. If you are not sure what I’m talking about, I recommend looking at your hair in the mirror and then donning a hat until such time that a gay person can tend to your locks, you poor, homely thing.

It hurts me to judge people by their sexual orientation, but not as much as it hurts me to get a horrific hairjob.

I know what you’re thinking—Marinka, you’re a genius! But how can you tell if the person who is cutting your hair is gay? What if he is bi-curious? Isn’t it possible for a heterosexual, properly trained, to give a good haircut? And isn’t this flat out discrimination?

All these are wonderful questions and really show me that you’re thinking.

All I can offer is my own experience. I guess I was lucky. I called the salon that someone recommended, made an appointment for an October afternoon and within ten minutes of my being in his chair, I asked him if he was dressing up for Halloween. This is a wonderful question, and since the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy doesn’t apply to hair salons, it’s perfectly legal. Here’s my tip: If he dresses up as Zoro, Elvis or anything Superheroic, get the hell out of there. But my hair guy dressed up as Barbie. Totally safe. Also, he mentioned his partner “Frank” ten seconds later, but don’t go by that alone.  It could be short for Francesca.  Demand proof. Hum a show tune if absolutely necessary.

Bi-curious? Highlights only, nothing more.

Can a heterosexual, properly trained do hair? Yes. But I’ve also heard that if enough monkeys sit at the typewriter long enough, one of them will produce Macbeth. In other words, it’s possible, but you’re taking your chances.

Is it flat out discrimination? Maybe. Or maybe it’s just that stereotypes save time. I’m not going to tell you what to do. It’s your hair, after all. Bless your heart.

49 Comments:

Blogger cw2smom said...

OMG!!! I love this! It's tooooo funny! Actually I prefer gay men to do my hair. It's no damn wonder I haven't got a decent haircut in years. My town is too small for the non-heteros. Well, I am sure there are a couple out of our hundred or so stylists! Thanks for the laugh! Blessings and I am sure your hair is just "fabulous!" Lisa

January 17, 2009 at 12:01 AM  
Anonymous Jen on the Edge said...

My Hair God and I have similar tastes in men, which makes for great conversations when he's working his magic on my hair.

I work with a lot of gay men, so my "gaydar" is nearly 100% accurate. The one time I was uncertain, I found out later that the guy in question was getting ready to become a Catholic priest. So clearly, he was uncertain about some things too.

January 17, 2009 at 12:14 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

All this time I was thinking that I just have bad hair. I wish you would have let us midwestern gals in on this a long time ago, Marinka! Now, how do I go about FINDING a gay hairdresser?

January 17, 2009 at 12:21 AM  
Blogger Karie said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

January 17, 2009 at 1:26 AM  
Blogger Karie said...

So true! You are hillarious!

January 17, 2009 at 1:27 AM  
Blogger phd in yogurtry said...

You got it. They also give great head at the shampoo sink.

January 17, 2009 at 1:36 AM  
Blogger Threeboys1mommy said...

Also if his face lights up like a Christmas tree at the mere mention of Halloween, you've got your man.

Halloween=Christmas in West Hollywood.

I have to ask about the elephant in the room. Was this post inspired by out twiiter exchange re: my hair?

January 17, 2009 at 2:12 AM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

The best cut and color I ever had was from the gayest queen out there. You are so right-- straight people have no place in the hair business-- women don't want you to look hotter than they do and a straight man in hair? That's just fucked up.

January 17, 2009 at 6:27 AM  
Blogger Leigh (Modern Mommy) said...

I live in North Central Florida (aka the most Hetero Land On Earth) but I found the most AMAZING gay man to do my hair 8 years ago and if he ever moved I think I'd cry. I consider it fate (and proof that even God doesn't like my natural color) that we met.

January 17, 2009 at 7:47 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

That was fantastic! We all know that gays give good hair.

January 17, 2009 at 7:48 AM  
Blogger Tooj said...

I had a hair stylist once, I had a crush on him. But I always wondered...was he gay???? Now you have me wondering. He had a child, but that doesn't mean he didn't switch, I do know he wasn't with the mother....hmmmmm. I was LOL at Vodka Mom's response!

January 17, 2009 at 8:04 AM  
Blogger Debbie said...

My problem is that in my little suburb, I think all the hairstylist are female. Terrible, isn't it? I may have to start taking a little road trip to help the hair.

January 17, 2009 at 8:08 AM  
Anonymous Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

Best hairjob ever? A draq queen in Ithaca, NY. He was awesome...and made me feel beautiful the whole time b/c he kept saying I looked like Reese Witherspoon. True or not, he ROCKED and got a very big tip that day.

*sigh* I live in NH now. Even the upscale salons have mostly women. It's sad.

January 17, 2009 at 8:19 AM  
Blogger ingrid said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

January 17, 2009 at 8:35 AM  
Blogger ingrid said...

i have never had my hair cut by a man.

there.

i've said it. it wasn't by design. more by happenstance.

and as far as i know, none of my female hairdressers have been lesbians.

it could explain a lot.

;)

January 17, 2009 at 8:36 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

In a nutshell, you've just explained 40 years of bad haircuts. Thanks for the enlightenment.

January 17, 2009 at 9:03 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

I shouted with laughter and then promptly forwarded this to my daughter. Which means that you'll either pick up a few new readers or be boycotted by all the gays in Columbus, OH.

January 17, 2009 at 9:35 AM  
Blogger Elisa said...

Amen to that! I think I may have stumbled into the only good heterosexual hair stylist on the East Coast, but as a general rule of thumb, you are absolutely right.

In fact, I think that we should all have some strategical questions to ask a new hairdresser when it's not close to Halloween, to figure out if you can sit and trust or hightail it our of there ;-)

January 17, 2009 at 9:43 AM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

First of all, I owe you my firstborn.

Second of all, even worse are hetero-young-female-hair artistes. Last week one refused to cut my bangs, telling me I just didn't have the jawline to support them "no offense"

So I made a skin lamp out of her.

January 17, 2009 at 10:04 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I had gone a long time between gays, but my new hairdresser? His name is Paris. I'm in hair heaven...

January 17, 2009 at 10:06 AM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

So true. Which is why my hair, right now, is 95% of the time tied back.

I thought I was in luck last time. I tried a new salon and was convinced the hairstylist was a drag queen. But no, she was a woman.

I can tell because my haircut stinks.

January 17, 2009 at 10:30 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

i believe if you drew a geo-political map of where gays have rights and where they don't, you will find it corresponds exactly to where you can find ladies with good hair and bad. new york, paris, madrid? great hair. beijing, moscow, dallas? not so great. tehran before the ayatollah, fabulous do's. after the ayatollah, burkas. ladies, you decide.

January 17, 2009 at 10:48 AM  
Blogger Charmaine said...

No WONDER my hair is falling out.

January 17, 2009 at 11:55 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

As a man who lives with a number 2, done every couple of weeks by his obliging wife, I don't have much to say on this. Well, apart from to say that it was pretty damn funny :)

January 17, 2009 at 12:58 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

FYI, Zoro's nickname (tagline? whatever) is "The Gay Blade." And while I'm sure you know that nickname is useful for male Olympic ice dancing champions, I'm just trying to do my socially responsible duty and put it out there that Zoro the Hairstylist Halloween Costume MAY not be playing for the same team as Superman.

Also? What are your thoughts on going to a woman for hairdo-good-ness....

January 17, 2009 at 2:41 PM  
Blogger Coffee with Cathy said...

I absolutely agree, and my hair history is corroborating evidence --
Bad haircuts given by gay men: Zero.
Bad haircuts given by women of known or unknown sexual orientation: 53.
So there you go.

January 17, 2009 at 3:40 PM  
Blogger lisa said...

The only time it's safe to get in the chair is when the gay-o-meter flashes red.

January 17, 2009 at 4:04 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I think that must be my problem! I always have straight women cut my hair and I always have issues. I have to run out and find a great gay hairdresser STAT!

Thanks for saving me from another hair crisis, you are truly a humanitarian.

January 17, 2009 at 4:38 PM  
Blogger blognut said...

Gay guys give great hair. Gay women give razor cuts and bowl cuts and tell you that you don't need to color.

January 17, 2009 at 6:15 PM  
Anonymous Rachel said...

Holy Hells Bells.

I'm dyin'!

January 17, 2009 at 7:12 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I just had my hair done today but I have never been sure about his sexual orientation. Here are my clues. He is 56, lives with his mother and has never been married. What do you think? Plus he always has a good eye for color and makes my hair look great.

January 17, 2009 at 10:22 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

OMG! I've never had my hair done by a man. This explains a lot, including the too short bangs I keep getting from the hetero KY chick that took over from my last stylist. Damn, my salon doesn't have any men. Is there a notation in the yellow pages to find one of these fabu men?

January 17, 2009 at 10:34 PM  
Blogger ella said...

When you call the salon and ask for an appt. and they tell you that *Tennessee* has a slot open at 2, you know you've got a match made in heaven. But I find my gay-boys so flighty. Once you get in the groove, they up and flit to another salon.

January 18, 2009 at 12:22 AM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Although I do love a gay stylist, my current one is female and the best ever.

Your Halloween question is a good one. I can always tell my gay high school students that are ready to come out by their Halloween costumes.

January 18, 2009 at 2:40 AM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

Is it okay that my stylist is a hetero female?

January 18, 2009 at 3:05 AM  
Blogger The Panic Room said...

I'm pretty convinced you're the funniest person "I know"

January 18, 2009 at 3:23 AM  
Blogger SoMi's Nilsa said...

This post is so perfectly timed ... given, my gay boyfriend just cut/styled my hair on Friday night!

January 18, 2009 at 9:24 AM  
Blogger DieseljockNYC said...

In Boston, its heterosexual women and homosexual men that do hair...anything other than that would shock me.

January 18, 2009 at 5:04 PM  
Blogger Cynthiaa said...

I totally agree with you. :D

January 18, 2009 at 6:39 PM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I generally go to the Mexican ladies because they know how to do long hair better, but if I were ever to so a style change, gay's the way.

January 19, 2009 at 10:10 AM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

My colorist is gay. The woman who cuts my hair is straight. So now I know that my color is definitely good.

January 19, 2009 at 1:44 PM  
Blogger Lawton said...

I think it's safe to say it wouldn't be the percocet talking when I tell you that yours is my new favorite blog. Holy shit you are funny. And I say that with a completely straight face. Great blog.

January 20, 2009 at 2:55 AM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

You could also offer them tickets to Cher or Van Halen, if they go for the Van Halen tickets, cancel.

Madonna and Rolling Stones works too.

January 21, 2009 at 4:14 PM  
Blogger wenderful said...

I love in Idaho. I own a lot of hats. :)

January 22, 2009 at 11:35 AM  
Blogger jennifersusan said...

I'm gonna have to start hanging out with my gay friends more and demand they take me with them to their stylists. Maybe then I'll stop wearing it tied back. Wah! Why do all our salons only hire young hetero gals?

January 22, 2009 at 12:36 PM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

You gotta go with your gut instincts on some things.... and I am with you.

A hetero-man is technically an eff-ing BARBER! They belong in a small shop where they can toss around racial slurs with their buddies while they brag about how drunk they got the night before.

That is NO place for a lady!

January 22, 2009 at 1:27 PM  
Blogger K said...

I wish I had read this before my last haircut.

I do need a hat, it's a little sad.

January 22, 2009 at 1:33 PM  
Blogger only a movie said...

Hum a show tune. Brilliant.

January 22, 2009 at 6:15 PM  
OpenID squaredonut said...

I’m I lesbian with super sharp gaydar. (I pegged Charlie Brown’s pal, Peppermint Patty, when I was only 8 years old.) There are a pantload of The Gays (as my mothers says) out there making a difference in the world. Take the Tooth Fairy, for instance. They don’t call him Fairy for nothing. Take a closer look. Two words: Adam’s apple. Of course, we’re talking cross-dressing here, which doesn’t necessarily mean gay. In this case it does, although it doesn't make him a good hairdresser.

January 27, 2009 at 8:09 AM  

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