Don't Touch My Hair, You Hetero!

Although many of them are my friends and I have nothing against them in principle, no way in fucking hell am I going to let a heterosexual-American touch my hair professionally. If you are not sure what I’m talking about, I recommend looking at your hair in the mirror and then donning a hat until such time that a gay person can tend to your locks, you poor, homely thing.

It hurts me to judge people by their sexual orientation, but not as much as it hurts me to get a horrific hairjob.

I know what you’re thinking—Marinka, you’re a genius! But how can you tell if the person who is cutting your hair is gay? What if he is bi-curious? Isn’t it possible for a heterosexual, properly trained, to give a good haircut? And isn’t this flat out discrimination?

All these are wonderful questions and really show me that you’re thinking.

All I can offer is my own experience. I guess I was lucky. I called the salon that someone recommended, made an appointment for an October afternoon and within ten minutes of my being in his chair, I asked him if he was dressing up for Halloween. This is a wonderful question, and since the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy doesn’t apply to hair salons, it’s perfectly legal. Here’s my tip: If he dresses up as Zoro, Elvis or anything Superheroic, get the hell out of there. But my hair guy dressed up as Barbie. Totally safe. Also, he mentioned his partner “Frank” ten seconds later, but don’t go by that alone.  It could be short for Francesca.  Demand proof. Hum a show tune if absolutely necessary.

Bi-curious? Highlights only, nothing more.

Can a heterosexual, properly trained do hair? Yes. But I’ve also heard that if enough monkeys sit at the typewriter long enough, one of them will produce Macbeth. In other words, it’s possible, but you’re taking your chances.

Is it flat out discrimination? Maybe. Or maybe it’s just that stereotypes save time. I’m not going to tell you what to do. It’s your hair, after all. Bless your heart.