Thursday, January 1, 2009

ARE YOU HUNG OVER?

Know what makes you feel good about your life? Finding out how fucked up someone else's is. Even if it's fictional.

So the other day I was watching one of those crime shows on TV like CSI that I am not allowed to watch because I am afraid that I’ll get murdered immediately (I’m also not allowed to watch hospital dramas because I am a huge hypochondriac). And I learned something important.

So this she-corpse is murdered and while they’re doing an autopsy, they realize that she doesn’t have “lady parts”. Seriously, are you telling me that fucking forensic pathologists can’t say “uterus” while in the lab? I mean, who do they think they are, Oprah?

But whatever, the real mystery is why if she doesn’t have lady parts (and they don’t mean bouncy hair!) does she have a tampon inserted in her vajajay? And the answer is because she is an alcoholic who is not allowed to have alcohol because she gets ulcers so she soaks tampons in vodka and inserts them.

I have questions. I must know if anyone has ever really done this or if CSI writers are on acid or something (ingested by maxi pad). Also, does this just work with vodka, or could you get a nice chardonnay or a full bodied borollo? A gin and tonic, perhaps or a dry martini, with the olives served separately (and perhaps rectally?) And is there any way that we can capitalize on this, without catering to the alcoholic contingent? Finally, doesn't everyone feel really good about their own drinking right now? Like sure, maybe your reach for the bottle a little too often, too eagerly and too tenderly but at least you don’t get a Tampax chaser.

56 Comments:

Blogger anymommy said...

I swore I was only reading in my reader tonight and then I read the words 'and perhaps rectally?' I think you just might have made my 2009, 20 hours in.

January 1, 2009 at 4:54 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

Vajajay? You Oprah watching chicky you..
I love CSI, and everyone in the law enforcement community does too! Come on girl, don't you know the real world coppers can solve crimes in 1 hour too. Yep, everytime.

January 1, 2009 at 6:48 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

Wow! This is a mystery that simply must be solved. I have a ton of questions!

January 1, 2009 at 6:49 AM  
Blogger Braja said...

I don't know what to say. Ask Vodka Mom...

January 1, 2009 at 7:09 AM  
Blogger Charmaine said...

What the HELL?

Those writers are on crack! And one of my girl parts, my brain, is picking up on something slightly mysogenistic. Only a twisted male mind could come up with THAT! Arg.

No more CSI for you. I can't take it. Happy New Year.

January 1, 2009 at 7:19 AM  
Blogger Pacing the Panic Room said...

If this whole vajay guzzling drinks thing catches on it's certainly going to makes a DUI checkpoint interesting to navigate. Can you imagine: Excuse me Mam! We're going to need you to spread your legs for suspicion of driving while under the influence. Could you please remove that tampon for closer inspection?

January 1, 2009 at 8:34 AM  
Blogger A New England Life said...

I'm thinking you better Google that. Only on TV, I swear.

January 1, 2009 at 8:35 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Does this mean *technically* I can store my tampons in the bar?

January 1, 2009 at 8:43 AM  
Blogger Madge said...

and when are they going to start sellling presoaked (with vodka, etc) tampons at Walgreens?

cuz if i'm menstruating i might as well be drunk.

January 1, 2009 at 9:05 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

You know, I've only been reading your blog for the past couple of weeks, but this is, without doubt, the funniest thing I've ever read here.

Now I have to go research whether it's possible....

January 1, 2009 at 9:47 AM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

Those CSI sicko writers. I can just imagine them sittin' around eating pizza, brainstorming...weed smoking gina? Naaah can't inhale. Pill-popping gina? Already done. I bet the deranged American Public would GET OFF on a drinkin' Gina!!! Now on to the mode of delivery...

January 1, 2009 at 9:53 AM  
Blogger iMommy said...

I'm thinking there is a real market for this. And not just for alcoholics and high school students.

January 1, 2009 at 9:55 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Just eww. And yes, my beer problem seems so much more charming now in comparison.

January 1, 2009 at 9:57 AM  
Anonymous Jos said...

yes-- I just heard about this. apparently it's the latest thing among the under-age drinking set. sort of like a wine enema, except with liquor & tampons. the boys put it in their assholes & the girls, lucky ones, have their choice of holes. so convenient, & so discreet too.

I am really glad my kid is only a toddler. I'm so not ready for drunk-orifice-checks.

January 1, 2009 at 10:01 AM  
Blogger Tooj said...

I just read Jos's comment. SERIOUSLY???? WTF is wrong with these children now adays??

January 1, 2009 at 10:40 AM  
Blogger WA said...

Where do you put the olives?

January 1, 2009 at 11:27 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

That is the most f'ed up thing I have read in a long time. Seriously. Only on your blog. And I mean that in a good way. :)

January 1, 2009 at 11:35 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

People actually do this....it gets you drunk faster and the risk of alcohol poisoning is much higher because you can't control how fast its absorbed. A girl my sister went to school with collapsed and almost died. Sad.

January 1, 2009 at 12:09 PM  
Anonymous paula said...

I've had a hysterectomy. Does that mean I get MORE vodka, LESS vodka, name brand only or WHAT? Please advise post-haste. I await with baited ... legs?

January 1, 2009 at 12:29 PM  
Blogger jen said...

i, too, am frightened that i will get murdered immediately following a csi episode.
but, now, i realize i'm totally safe ... because i drink from a glass, or bottle, or can ... and therefore won't be murdered.
right?

January 1, 2009 at 12:31 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I only watch CSI Miami, because I like my crime glitzy and glinty. And not quite so realistic.

I once watched CSI NY by accident, and it featured one of those "real dolls" (n.b. if you have to google it: NSFW). I haven't been able to look the world in the face since.

Interesting business idea, BTW. Maybe you could patent kits. The martini one could include a separate olive applicator. I am sure it could be marketed to college students. Anything can be marketed to college students.

January 1, 2009 at 1:17 PM  
Blogger butwhymommy said...

It's seriously wrong but I'm impressed with the level of commitment.

January 1, 2009 at 1:57 PM  
Blogger Heinous said...

Does that take the stress off your liver? Not that I have the option, but I think bars could score big with this one. Ladies' night would take on a whole new meaning.

January 1, 2009 at 2:23 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

I am so confused. And not hungover.

So she has a vagina (I'm so not Oprah) but not a uterus? But she inserts vodka soaked tampons to get drunk.

My first thought - a transvestite who had a sex change, thus the vagina and no uterus.

Or? This woman has discovered a home ready for hysterectomies because the vodka in the tampon ate away her uterus? I dunno, but if so, a lot of gynecologists will be out of a job.

January 1, 2009 at 3:19 PM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

i found you through Pacing the Panic room and am enjoying your page :) i also am not supposed to watch House on bad days because i am hypochondriac. as far as the tampon/vodka insertion, i don't know, but that would be a cool name for a band. snark.
maggie

January 1, 2009 at 3:34 PM  
Blogger phd in yogurtry said...

And here I've been buying tampons purely based on their absorption properties. Note to FDA: new tampon labeling standards, pronto.

January 1, 2009 at 3:54 PM  
Blogger Irish Gumbo said...

Just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder as Blog my way through life nowadays, I come across this. Man, it would have been so much easier to drink at work if I had thought of that! ;) Although I, too, would like to know where to put the olives.

Marinka, I staggered my way here from Lost & Found In India, so I have Braja to thank for it! Pleased to make your acquaintance!

I keep your allowance tips in mind when my Wee Lass starts to ask...

Peace,
IG

January 1, 2009 at 4:35 PM  
Blogger K.Line said...

I am laughing so hard, I may have just peed. Or is it the vodka?

January 1, 2009 at 4:44 PM  
Blogger Insta-mom said...

Seriously, though, who would want their PMS followed by a week-long hangover? Not that this wouldn't help tremendously with the "You're drinking...again?" that I get from the husband.

January 1, 2009 at 5:06 PM  
Blogger Leigh (Modern Mommy) said...

And my husband doesn't think I learn anything useful through my blog obsessing. Wait 'til he hears THIS. ;)

January 1, 2009 at 7:03 PM  
Blogger derfina said...

*snort* And here I thought you had to stick them up your butt. Sheesh. Now I feel like an idiot.

January 1, 2009 at 7:31 PM  
Blogger Temple said...

I actually saw that CSI and was like, "Huh?" That is about when I gave up on that show and turned to House (so far no vagina-alcoholics on that one). And I think that would take all the fun out of my drinking..I mean, where would I put the extra olives from my porn-star-filthy martini?

January 1, 2009 at 7:41 PM  
Blogger musing said...

Wow, that gives multi-tasking a whole new definition.

January 1, 2009 at 8:05 PM  
Blogger HappyHourSue said...

O. M... G... apparently this is an actual trend. "'Nother round?" "No, I have to get up in the morning...maybe just a pantyliner".

January 1, 2009 at 8:47 PM  
Anonymous Do You Hear Voices? said...

THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE READ ALL YEAR!!!

January 1, 2009 at 8:49 PM  
Blogger ms. changes pants while driving said...

wait... if she's soaking the tampons in vodka, wouldn't they expand and be hard to insert? would she take the tampons out of the plastic/cardboard thingie? this totally wouldn't work. she probably did it in the butt.

January 1, 2009 at 8:57 PM  
Blogger WendyB said...

I love that episode. I watch CSI and Law & Order constantly, which explains why I always think I'm about to get murdered. Or arrested.

January 1, 2009 at 9:13 PM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

This made me laugh out loud. Actually, the first line of this post did. I am just that petty that sometimes, yes, my life does seem better because I have lady parts. Wait, that's not right.

Also, have you ever noticed on those CSI shows that they talk outloud a lot about what they are doing. Now, if someone did this to me in the workplace after 10 years on the job, I would probably punch them in the neck.

January 1, 2009 at 9:21 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

What I want to know is: whose idea was this is the first place?

January 1, 2009 at 10:08 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

oh sweet baby jesus. PROMISE me when I start asking for tampons (remember the hysterectomy...) that you IMMEDIATELY schedule an intervention. (don't forget the wine and cheese with that.)

January 2, 2009 at 7:54 AM  
Blogger Momo Fali said...

Whaaaat?! That's insane! They probably learned it from some teenager who didn't want to get busted with booze on her breath.

January 2, 2009 at 10:19 AM  
Blogger Andy said...

Is there a male equivalent? Can I get drunk by inserting something in my body? Wait, on second thought, let's not do that.

January 2, 2009 at 10:40 AM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Unfortunately, I think those shows often pull their storylines from the news and real court cases. That's why I weatch them, because I forget to watch the news.

January 2, 2009 at 11:13 AM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

I've heard on the radio that this is a problem in emergency rooms. They also have a problem with guys doing beer bongs rectally.

The problem is that the alcohol goes right to the liver, and induces alcohol poisoning.

Why anyone would try this, I'm clueless. You gotta have one huge problem for even considering it IMO.

January 2, 2009 at 12:37 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

So I'm reading this entry and thinking this sounds SO familiar and sure enough! It's the only CSI episode I've ever seen! And the woman sans "lady parts" is what's-her-face from Married With Children!

Just think of all the calories you'd save!

And I'm picturing a future bar where the tampon string is very, very long so the bartender would know you already had a "drink" and didn't need to offer you another...

January 2, 2009 at 1:16 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Maybe that is why Always is telling us to have a "happy period." But, they are pads. Would it work with pads? I would venture to say it would be a bit messy.

January 2, 2009 at 1:28 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

That is the craziest thing ever. And now I'm super excited for my next period.

January 2, 2009 at 1:48 PM  
Blogger Renée aka Mekhismom said...

I just don't get it. Tampon, missing lady parts - what lady parts? Breasts? labia majoria or minora, uterus? Tampons soaked in vodka. This is the most unusual post and I am more confused than ever.

January 2, 2009 at 3:39 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Clarification!

This woman was missing a uterus! And she had a totally clean tampon inserted. They even did this awkward demonstration where a woman science expert explained to a male science expert how to get the vodka on without taking the entire tampon out of the container.

Seriously, it seemed very labor-intensive.

January 2, 2009 at 8:06 PM  
Blogger ella said...

Ok this is the first post I've ever read, anywhere, where the comments are just as funny as the post.
You run with some great company M.

January 2, 2009 at 10:25 PM  
Blogger Iheartfashion said...

I have no words.

January 3, 2009 at 8:15 PM  
Blogger Stephanie D. said...

Okay, I'm a nurse, we're at work and trying to smother giggles so we don't wake the patients.

But the question was brought up about how much will the tampons hold? Do the nighttime extra-absorbent hold more than the teenybopper practice ones?

And if you're hiding the fact that you're a tipsy tamponer, do you use Summer's Eve instead of breath mints?

January 4, 2009 at 2:16 AM  
Blogger TheBookDragon said...

Okay--trying really hard not to LOL b/c I do NOT want to have to explain THIS one to my son! Need to rewatch that episode. . . .

January 4, 2009 at 6:15 PM  
Blogger Fida said...

Would you let me know if it works with gin and tonic? Maybe I could take my barley greens this way? Apparently one never gets enough of that stuff, especially not if one prefers a gin and tonic!

January 4, 2009 at 9:23 PM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

A lady from my hometown killed her husband via vodka enema, so I'm assuming this works, but isn't the best way to go...better to go around tasting all the various mixed drinks and just finding one worth drinking.

January 5, 2009 at 1:23 PM  
Blogger Sissy said...

that episode totally made me think, "now THAT is a fantastic idea! THAT'S how to take the edge off on a I want to drown my children in the washing machine day." CSI is always good like that.

January 9, 2009 at 6:31 PM  

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