Thursday, December 25, 2008

Bring in the Clowns

Every year, I take my family to the Big Apple Circus. Because apparently I suffer from amnesia.

It's a "low key" circus, although I'm not sure that's the official name--it's set up in a tent outside of Lincoln Center, so you feel all culture-ish like when you go. Like, you're going to the circus, but you could be on your way to hear the Magic Flute at the Met or see The Nutcracker at the ballet.

This year, I went with my papa, and the kids.  Husbandrinka was "sorry" that he couldn't go because he had a cold.  Poor thing had to rest in bed the whole afternoon.  

Here are my thoughts about this year's Big Apple Circus Experience:


The second my ass hits the seat, I start worrying that the whole thing is a firetrap.

Papa comments that the designers of the seats have not kept up with current assological trends, because the seats are pretty small. He says this while motioning to a very large man in front of us. Mortification, commence!

The tightrope walker is totally showing off. I don't understand why some people need to be "on display" like that.

Papa says that the circus in St. Petersburg (you know, in Russia) is better and that we should take the children to see it. Maybe not today, though.

I think that if I were a tightrope walker, I'd get really annoyed at everyone in the audience eating their weight in popcorn while watching me perform.

Every time the horse races around the ring, I'm worried that it's going to gallop into the audience and kill me.

My father announces that the man balancing vases on his head is Korean.

My father announces that the juggling act is performed by Russians, who are twins. He thinks.

I notice that one of the dancers has the hugest balls I've ever seen. (Yes, as in testicles.) Why can't they wear looser costumes? There are children in the audience. Not to mention people with eyes.

The galloping horse looks rabid. I wonder if horses, like dogs, can smell fear.

Oh look!  A pony!

Papa says that he thinks that the pony looks Jewish and for some reason, the orchestra starts playing "Fiddler on the Roof" music. "See? I told you," papa is pleased.

I'm worried that the trapeze artists will fall and I will have to deal with two traumatized kids.

I wonder how many Wii games my kids will require to "feel better".

It's weird how totally ordinary all the trapeze acts seem after the first five minutes.

My palms are sweating because I am certain that the trapeze artists will quadriplegic themselves in front of me and the children.

Why the fuck did I get tickets to this damn firetrap where I will be mauled by a rabid anti-semitic horse while watching death and destruction unfold in front of me?

Oh, that's right. Because I got a "buy one ticket, get one free" coupon.

Totally worth it!

Oh, look! hula hoop! Bouncy ball! Yay! I love the circus! Can't wait for next year!

Labels:

19 Comments:

Blogger anymommy said...

Horses can definitely smell fear. I'm surprised he didn't pick you out of the audience and charge. Sounds like a lovely afternoon, although, I like the sound of everyone going to church and getting to stay home alone. How do I convince my husband to do that?

December 25, 2008 at 4:19 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

Not sure what to say here -- "what a lovely tradition" doesn't seem quite appropriate.

I'll settle for: Thanks for sharing this with all your wit and humor!

December 25, 2008 at 7:16 AM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

OMG My Dad does that, too. Dad, you're NOT WHISPERING and I KNOW THOSE PEOPLE.

December 25, 2008 at 7:22 AM  
Blogger Braja said...

Sounds like my kinda fun....

December 25, 2008 at 7:55 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

I just crack up every time you say fuck.

Happy day.....

December 25, 2008 at 9:00 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

Ah, the circus. I am in total agreement with you. You are so brave!

December 25, 2008 at 9:13 AM  
Blogger Renée aka Mekhismom said...

Merry Christmas! You are hilarious.

December 25, 2008 at 10:28 AM  
Blogger derfina said...

I take it the pony was circumcised?

December 25, 2008 at 11:11 AM  
Blogger phd in yogurtry said...

You are hilarious. Your random thoughts of irony are just my cup of tea. Happy Holidays to you and your Big Apple family!

December 25, 2008 at 2:46 PM  
Blogger Tooj said...

I don't know why, but I'm always surprised that a circus still circulates. We had the circus here in town about a month or so ago, and I was baffled. I guess I just thought it died out with tie-dye and orgies. But maybe both of those are still circulating too....?

December 25, 2008 at 11:02 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

That wasn't the circus!! That was my house!

December 25, 2008 at 11:11 PM  
Anonymous LadyFi said...

Hilarious!

And you didn't even mention the clowns!

Hope you've got over the big balls and rabid horses... You'll probably be doing it all over again next year too!

December 26, 2008 at 5:06 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

You are sick, my poor friend :)

December 26, 2008 at 8:14 AM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

Goodness. I thought I was the only one who had to suffer that kind of thing.

And I am not talking about the circus, although it does sound scary. I am glad you made it out alive.

December 26, 2008 at 9:11 AM  
Blogger iMommy said...

The circus performers can smell fear, too. Watch your back!

December 26, 2008 at 11:24 AM  
Blogger Smart A$$ Mom said...

Oh! You meant the 'circus'....I thought you were watching something different all together.

And those trapeze artist almost never fall. And even when they do the crowd claps. Or so I am told.

December 26, 2008 at 3:18 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

You really are Jewish. If I ever doubted it (which I didn't) I would know for sure now that you were telling the truth. I was with you the whole paranoid way.

December 27, 2008 at 12:18 AM  
Blogger jen said...

one year ... in college. my husband (then boyfriend) totally pissed me off my drinking WAY. TOO. MUCH. and kissing a bartender. (on the cheek) so as payback ... i made him take me to the circus. the next day. hangover and all. oh yeah. i am so winning wife of the year.

December 29, 2008 at 12:35 AM  
Blogger Z said...

Having not been to the circus since I was a child, I think this post captures all my memories in one tidy little bundle. Which might be why I haven't been back since then... :)

December 29, 2008 at 10:03 AM  

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