Week in Review
Sunday: I am in recovery from stomach flu and watch I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant. It is a TLC documentary-with-reenactments about four women who didn’t even know that they were pregnant until they were in labor. It is the best thing that I’ve ever seen in my life. Although like any normal judgmental person I assumed that they had Great Stupidity in common, in fact they are totally normal (with the exception of one woman who referred to her period as “my menstrual”).
Monday: I ask my daughter where her gloves are and she says in her pocket and instinctively I say, “oh, and I thought that you were just happy to see me.” She looks confused and I make immediate plans to get an internal editor so that I don’t say everything that comes to my mind.
Tuesday: I tell best friend John that the stomach flu I had may have been just horrible menstrual cramps and he says, “you still get your period?” I overlook this attack on my youth, but he continues, “Maybe you’re going through perimenopause and having extra cramps. I thought every stupid bitch knew that.”
Wednesday: Friend John asks me if I still have my mucous plug.
Thursday: Brad Pitt says that his children don’t ask for expensive gifts because they are not exposed to American materialistic cartoons and that he and his family exchange homemade gifts on Christmas. After my blood pressure returns to normal, I decide that the reasons that they don’t ask for expensive gifts is that they already have everything and that anything short of a continent isn’t considered expensive by their kazillionaire parents. Although if I find out that Angie is making tampon crafts, I will forgive all.
Friday: Snowstorm in NYC. I notice that many tourists around Rockefeller Center walk five across on the sidewalk, stop short to look at tall buildings and are generally a fucking pain in the ass. Rethink my plan to be the NYC tourism ambassador.
Saturday: Acquaintance John and his friend and my faithful blog reader-but-not-commenter David write "The Twelve Gays of Christmas" for this blog. I have to patiently explain to them that the refrain "and a gerbil up Richard Gere's ass" is offensive, as my blog has a more wholesome, religious bent.
Labels: week in review