Saturday, December 13, 2008

Husbandrinka Capped Me!

A few weeks ago I got an email from my husband. Something about financial documents that I was supposed to have delivered to some bank person while he was away and now they're missing and some vague reference to financial ruin and COULD YOU FIND OUT WHO SIGNED FOR THE PACKAGE BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE A COPY AND CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS.


Yes, he actually all capped me in the email. Why doesn't he just pour kerosene on me while I'm asleep and light the match?

A few minutes later, I got a follow up email from him that never mind, it was some other documents that the bank was missing. But it was too late. Because as soon as I read the FIRST EMAIL I immediately replied by notifying him that effective immediately, he was on email probation.

"What does that mean?" he emailed back.
I had to temporarily lift the email probation to explain, "It means that you are no longer allowed to email me."
And then he didn't respond. It almost killed me because I imagined him sitting at his desk, head in his hands, swaying back and forth, saying, "why? WHY?" and berating himself for sending THAT EMAIL. I hoped that the good people in his office were keeping an eye on him, so that if he became truly despondent, they would intervene and call for help. And also that while they were keeping an eye on him for the sake of his safety, that they were recording him so that I could enjoy a screening at some point.

It was a little awkward when he got home that night.
"How did you survive?" I asked.

"Survive what?" he asked.
"Email probation."
"What's email probation?"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT IS EMAIL PROBATION?! YOU EMAILED ME TO ASK AND I TOLD YOU THAT IT MEANT THAT YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO EMAIL ME."
"Oh. I didn't read your email."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T READ MY EMAIL?"
"I was busy."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WERE BUSY?"

"I had to work. Why was I on email probation?"
"BECAUSE I CANNOT STAND WHEN PEOPLE YELL AT ME, EVEN IF IT'S IN AN EMAIL. IT'S REALLY RUDE, AND STUPID AND GOOD GOD I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS. I CAN'T AND I WON'T!"
"Oh."
Email probation is now over because I have a big heart and couldn't let him suffer like this. Besides, everyone else I know has already blocked my email.

Labels:

20 Comments:

Blogger Vodka Mom said...

HE DIDN"T READ IT??? that bastard...

December 13, 2008 at 6:46 PM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

He owes you big!

December 13, 2008 at 7:21 PM  
Blogger Kirsten / Mama Ginger Tree said...

I hope you have a good divorce attorney.

:-)

December 13, 2008 at 8:17 PM  
Blogger Braja said...

He's just not getting it, is he?

December 13, 2008 at 8:48 PM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Loved this. My husband is on cell phone probation more often than not. He thinks the cell phone was invented so he could let me know when he is unable to handle minor problems with the children when they are on his watch.

December 13, 2008 at 8:59 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Maybe it's because I'm a dirrrrrrrrrrrrty girl, but...I read that entire exchange as tawdry foreplay.

Email probation.

CAPS.

All the shouting.

(And I don't believe he didn't read the email. I'll be looking for Husbandrinka's Oscar nomination coming up soon.)

December 13, 2008 at 9:03 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

I bet that left eye began to twitch once he said he hadn't even read your email. Ha! Too funny.

December 13, 2008 at 10:32 PM  
Blogger Temple said...

He so did too read your email...men...it's that Y chromosome, they just don't get things...

December 13, 2008 at 10:52 PM  
Blogger Tooj said...

It's a good thing you got him on the same page. :)

December 13, 2008 at 11:07 PM  
Blogger La Belette Rouge said...

If all uppercase is yelling then does all lower case mean whispering?

p.s. Come on over, I tagged you for a meme.

December 13, 2008 at 11:29 PM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

You're right, you DO have a big heart.

December 14, 2008 at 9:01 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

When my husband ignores my email, he gets a *different* kind of probabation. ;)

December 14, 2008 at 9:37 AM  
Blogger Smart A$$ Mom said...

I hate that 'I had to work, couldn't be bothered with you *insert nonsense here' card. Bullshit.

December 14, 2008 at 10:37 AM  
Blogger Nilsa said...

Will you be my mentor? No, I mean it. For serious. Because my husband is nice and charming and deals with A LOT, kinda like yours =) . But, I just can't seem to find the smartassness that you possess. All. The. Time. I need help. I need a mentor. Or a sponsor. Or something.

December 14, 2008 at 11:01 AM  
Blogger Maura said...

Men. 'nuff said.

December 14, 2008 at 2:12 PM  
Blogger Cindy said...

As usual you didn't disappoint :) I like Rachel's idea..a different kind of probation!!

December 14, 2008 at 2:39 PM  
Blogger Heinous said...

I think I'm on most people's permanent email probation. My life is simpler that way.

December 14, 2008 at 11:21 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I have to say I think he was messing with you - I think he did read it and wanted to see what your reaction would be. At least that's what my husband would do.

December 15, 2008 at 12:40 AM  
Blogger Z said...

hahaha :)

Perhaps you should try another kind of probation, just to reinforce your point? Me, I'm fond of ice cream probation... As in, I bring ice cream home and eat it, but the huz is not allowed. My ice cream, all mine! Well, it's not exactly probation. It's more ice cream gluttony. But whatever ;)

December 15, 2008 at 9:19 AM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

IT MIGHT BE TIME TO CHANGE YOUR MEDS!!!



(just kidding, you know I love you)

December 15, 2008 at 5:13 PM  

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