A few weeks ago I got an email from my husband. Something about financial documents that I was supposed to have delivered to some bank person while he was away and now they're missing and some vague reference to financial ruin and COULD YOU FIND OUT WHO SIGNED FOR THE PACKAGE BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE A COPY AND CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS.
Yes, he actually all capped me in the email. Why doesn't he just pour kerosene on me while I'm asleep and light the match?
A few minutes later, I got a follow up email from him that never mind, it was some other documents that the bank was missing. But it was too late. Because as soon as I read the FIRST EMAIL I immediately replied by notifying him that effective immediately, he was on email probation.
"What does that mean?" he emailed back.
I had to temporarily lift the email probation to explain, "It means that you are no longer allowed to email me."
And then he didn't respond. It almost killed me because I imagined him sitting at his desk, head in his hands, swaying back and forth, saying, "why? WHY?" and berating himself for sending THAT EMAIL. I hoped that the good people in his office were keeping an eye on him, so that if he became truly despondent, they would intervene and call for help. And also that while they were keeping an eye on him for the sake of his safety, that they were recording him so that I could enjoy a screening at some point.
It was a little awkward when he got home that night.
"How did you survive?" I asked.
"Survive what?" he asked.
"What's email probation?"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT IS EMAIL PROBATION?! YOU EMAILED ME TO ASK AND I TOLD YOU THAT IT MEANT THAT YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO EMAIL ME."
"Oh. I didn't read your email."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T READ MY EMAIL?"
"I was busy."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WERE BUSY?"
"I had to work. Why was I on email probation?"
"BECAUSE I CANNOT STAND WHEN PEOPLE YELL AT ME, EVEN IF IT'S IN AN EMAIL. IT'S REALLY RUDE, AND STUPID AND GOOD GOD I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS. I CAN'T AND I WON'T!"
Email probation is now over because I have a big heart and couldn't let him suffer like this. Besides, everyone else I know has already blocked my email.