Saturday, January 10, 2009

Gather around kids, mommy has a story for you!

So, someone mentioned to me that one day my children may read my blog and that maybe I should make this blog more child friendly. My first reaction is along the lines of fuck that shit, but then I thought that I'd give it a try and write a child friendly post about men. Here I go! Is everyone cozy wozy? Aren't you the cutest little reader? Yes, you are! You are!

One day, many, many months before the happiest day of mommy's life when she met daddy, mommy had another friend. Peter was a boy, and he and mommy were very good friends. They were such good friends that they lived together in an apartment, because sometimes friends do that because it is friendly. So one day, mommy wakes up to see Peter in the kitchen, cleaning the refrigerator. Mommy notices that steam seems to be coming out of Peter's ears and that he looks angry. So mommy walks into the kitchen and says "hi!" because mommy is very polite and Peter grumbles because he is not as polite and that is one of the reasons that he is not your daddy. The other reason is that he told mommy that he never wants to see her again, but that's not today's story. So mommy ignores the grumbling and has some coffee and then Peter slams the refrigerator door (how rude!) and says, "You never clean the refrigerator!" It turns out that Peter put some Chinese food leftovers in the refrigerator to see how long it would be before mommy cleaned it out and it turned out that the answer to that was "infinity" because mommy has good manners and doesn't take other people's stuff. She trusts them to take care of their own stuff.
Mommy thought that Peter was a weirdo for doing this Chinese food-refrigerator experiment, although maybe a more accurate term would be "eccentric".

Mommy and Peter stopped being friends after a while and mommy got a new friend. After a few more friends, mommy met daddy and she decided that he was going to be her friend forever or at least until someone asked her if she was his mother, because mommy has heard of that happening as couples get older and mommy will not put up with that.

So, mommy and daddy are good friends, except in December when daddy's own mom and dad came to visit and they stayed in the guest bedroom, and used daddy's bathroom, so that mommy and daddy were forced to share a bathroom. Mommy thought that the bathroom sharing went very well, but apparently daddy had a lot of steam coming out of his ears. And last night he told mommy that in the past twenty five days she has not put the cap back on the toothpaste once. Although mommy is proud of daddy's counting, for some reason this reminds her of Peter's experiment.

Has daddy been marking off each day that the toothpaste cap was off?
Has daddy been getting angry every day that the toothpaste cap was off?
Why didn't daddy tell mommy about it before Day 25?

So, the lesson that we learn today, children, is that either all men are weirdos or mommy is a lazy slob.

Good night!

71 Comments:

Blogger Rachel said...

Awesome!

I hope Husbandrinka reads this, too, but you might need to dumb it down a bit.

January 10, 2009 at 3:11 PM  
Blogger Cindy said...

Now that is some funny shit.

January 10, 2009 at 3:16 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

In defense of Husbandrinka (and in case he reads this), he is super smart. And handsome. And is generally my hero. Hi, honey!

January 10, 2009 at 3:26 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I think this post contains some valuable lessons.

Have you thought about submitting it to a childrens' book publisher?

January 10, 2009 at 4:03 PM  
Blogger Elle said...

I like the way u're write....:)

January 10, 2009 at 4:31 PM  
Blogger Smart A$$ Mom said...

Ooohhh....I thought this story was gunna end with your dad getting a circumcision...damn.

January 10, 2009 at 4:32 PM  
Blogger WendyB said...

A+

January 10, 2009 at 4:42 PM  
Blogger The Panic Room said...

all you need is an illustrator and this could be a new "Golden Book" to keep by the bed. Man, I love this blog.

January 10, 2009 at 4:43 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

fuck that shit.

January 10, 2009 at 4:50 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

and I'm talking about what husbandrinka did. Doesn't he know you by now goddammit???

Wait, that's the line I used on Tightwad last night as he was complaining of the SAME DAMN THING.


bastard. I blame his mother.

January 10, 2009 at 4:51 PM  
Blogger lisa said...

And this story proves why you can never have too many friends.

January 10, 2009 at 5:02 PM  
Blogger Kirsten / Mama Ginger Tree said...

I'm gonna go with all men are weirdos.

Was Peter too much of a prima donna to clean out the fridge himself?

January 10, 2009 at 5:12 PM  
Blogger K.Line said...

Damn, you didn't go tell Husbandrinka you have a blog?!?! :-)

January 10, 2009 at 5:27 PM  
Blogger Tooj said...

THAT...my "friend", is a wonderful bedtime story. I can't wait for the other story about Peter and his dismissal of the wonderful, considerate mommy.

January 10, 2009 at 5:44 PM  
Anonymous apathy lounge said...

Sweet Baby Jebus, but that was funny. I'll be back.

January 10, 2009 at 5:51 PM  
Blogger Threeboys1mommy said...

Yes kids, your mommy is a very funny lazy slob. I hope she finds the energy to provide us with Peter's last name so I can find him on Facebook and see who married creep.

January 10, 2009 at 5:55 PM  
Blogger Irish Gumbo said...

I clean stuff up. Mostly. And I leave the seat down. But I don;t worry about toothpaste caps.

Does that make me weird?

Great post! :)

January 10, 2009 at 6:40 PM  
Anonymous Jen on the Edge said...

Something must be wrong with me, because I absolutely GOT where Peter and Husbandrinka were coming from.

Once, years ago when I was a harried SAHM of two wee ones, my husband didn't empty the dishwasher for 70 straight days. That also happens to be one of my least favorite chores. I didn't say a word, but I stewed, oh man did I stew. On the 71st day, I snapped.

And my husband has been an equal partner with the dishwasher thing ever since.

The end.

January 10, 2009 at 6:46 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

Those guys probably even leave the seat down. Thoughtful bastards!

January 10, 2009 at 6:50 PM  
Anonymous Michelle Kostya said...

hmmm....this daddy sounds like my dear husband - although he says things like "you never" and "you always" which really tick mommy off.

January 10, 2009 at 7:00 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Love your "straight-up" style.

Mines likes to leave drawers open. Once it was on a high dresser and I walked right into it and nearly dislocated my boob! I wonder if I yelled out "Fuck that shit!" LOL!

January 10, 2009 at 7:06 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

I had to really try to keep my laughing down because the computer's in my bedroom and the boyfriend is sleeping, but I failed miserably.

I hate cleaning refrigerators too. I usually give my mom twenty bucks to do it for me. I'm a horrible person.

January 10, 2009 at 7:10 PM  
Blogger marathon mom said...

It's a shame there is not a kid-friendly way to say passive-aggressive mofo dumbass.

January 10, 2009 at 7:10 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

Ditto on fuck that shit. I mean, by the time they are in their 20's or 30's they will likely be on some future blog equivalent writing about their mommy, daddy and ex issues.

As for the toothpaste I have three words. Flip. Top. Cap. Now if I could get him to stop squeezing it in the middle...

January 10, 2009 at 7:30 PM  
Blogger TMCPhoto said...

Yes living together in the same apartment is a really friendly. Chinese food experiments are not so friendly

I made my significant other read this entry because I knew he's be able to relate on at least one level, and he laughed his ass off. It should be noted that I too am a lazy slob and he is happy to clean up after me with no experiments or counting the days to make things less friendly

January 10, 2009 at 7:48 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

I'm definitely going w/ the men are weirdos. What would you rate today's blog? G, PG, or PG-13?

January 10, 2009 at 8:25 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Anna--today's blog is so G, you could practically read it to a fetus in utero!

January 10, 2009 at 8:28 PM  
Blogger rachael said...

Ha, an ex was a compulsive neat freak. He got really upset over the littlest things which just did not bother me, His "rules" more often brought me to laughter rather than apologies, .... in hindsight, perhaps I shouldn't have laughed, apparently he was pretty serious.

January 10, 2009 at 8:29 PM  
Blogger Frogs in my formula said...

Funny shit. I bet mommy won't have any problems making more friends someday if she needs to!

January 10, 2009 at 8:31 PM  
Blogger Coma Girl said...

I think you may have a future as a children's author.

Very funny!

January 10, 2009 at 8:39 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Spouse does shit like that. And then he wonders why I headaches on those nights. Related maybe?

January 10, 2009 at 8:57 PM  
Blogger Braja said...

I would be writing graffiti abuse of him all over his wall with toothpaste. Just until he got the message, of course. Nothing extreme.

Fuck men.

January 10, 2009 at 9:00 PM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

You crack the shit out of me.

And I believe that ALL men are weirdos AND I am a lazy slob. :)

January 10, 2009 at 9:24 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I just cleared our refrigerator out and lets just say its been a while, my trash can had to be emptied after. As for the toothpaste thing, I agree with vodka mom doesn't he know you by now? The thing is do the kids follow you or him with the toothpaste top?

January 10, 2009 at 10:19 PM  
Blogger Irish Chicken Soup said...

Oh God, that's absolutely hilarious. I've been caught on the other end of a couple of those "experiments".

January 10, 2009 at 10:52 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

I think even Aesop himself would be proud of this tale. Hopefully, Husbandrinka got the moral of this story. :)

January 11, 2009 at 12:14 AM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

And that is why Daddy's parents are never aloud to stay here again...

January 11, 2009 at 12:51 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Daddy is apparently related to me, which I suppose makes me "Auntie." The reason I know we are related is because I know precisely how many days in a row Uncle has left his socks/boxers/pj's on the bathroom floor right next to the nearly-empty laundry hamper without giving them that little boost for which they cry out. Namely, a leg-up into the hamper. For what it's worth, Auntie, in her big suburban house with its dollhouse-sized master bath, has hunormous bathroom envy trained squarely on Mommy and Daddy in their ooh-la-la fancy New York apartment that offers separate bathrooms, so that Mommy has no idea about the relationship between Daddy's dirty unmentionables and the hamper.

January 11, 2009 at 1:43 AM  
Blogger Julia@SometimesLucid said...

Funny!

I wrote a post on Russian Kids vs. American kids on my blog yesterday.

http://sometimeslucid.blogspot.com/2009/01/american-kids-versus-russian-kids.html

January 11, 2009 at 2:56 AM  
Blogger Frau said...

That was an awesome story loved it and your style very entertaining.

January 11, 2009 at 3:24 AM  
Blogger jon said...

that was awesome, your creativity knows no bounds!

January 11, 2009 at 3:28 AM  
Blogger Heinous said...

You're not lazy. You're just have a more liberal definition of domesticity.

You may want to consider childrens' books.

January 11, 2009 at 8:23 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

This is scaring me a little. I have two sons who were *taught* (hey, I hear they do worse things in Guantánamo Bay) to put the cap back on and put the toilet seat down.

I guess one day I'll read a blog about them.

January 11, 2009 at 8:38 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

I'm sure you can keep track of some petty annoyance that Husbandrinka does routinely. And then lie in wait to ambush him with it. That's what married people do for fun, n'est ce pas?

January 11, 2009 at 10:44 AM  
Anonymous Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

LOL!
*snort*
I. Can't. Breathe!!

I think we're living parallel lives.

January 11, 2009 at 11:31 AM  
Blogger Iheartfashion said...

When my fridge gets too bad I just buy a new one.

January 11, 2009 at 11:31 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

25 days???? More proof that men have stellar communication skills.

January 11, 2009 at 11:44 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

25 days??? More proof that men have stellar communication skills.

January 11, 2009 at 11:47 AM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Nothing makes my husband happier than seeing his wife and children all pitching in and cleaning house together. This does not happen often. He's learning to find happy in other places to make up for this.

My vote - all men are weirdos, or at least more prone to anal/OCD type behaviors.

And you are funny. Homeruns every single time.

January 11, 2009 at 12:21 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I didn't count the number of days b/c after two, it felt like forever. So however many days are in forever is how many my now ex husband left the cap off.

January 11, 2009 at 12:51 PM  
Blogger Andy said...

At first I was hoping this post was going to be about the birds and the bees... but this turned out to be very funny. And we're not weird.

January 11, 2009 at 3:03 PM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

This mommy is a lazy slob. But I do always remember to put the cap on the toothpaste (only because I'm a germ phobe). I do not, however, throw away leftovers.

January 11, 2009 at 3:25 PM  
Blogger blognut said...

The way I see it, if you can bother to keep track of how long it takes me to clean out the fridge or put the cap back on the toothpaste, you can jump right in there and do either of those things yourself! In my house we don't count those trivial things, but we do count how many days in a row I will leave my hairdryer in the bathroom sink. Hello! Why have 2 sinks in the same bathroom if one of them isn't for storing my hairdryer. And, if you're worried about becoming electrocuted, don't touch it.

January 11, 2009 at 4:08 PM  
Blogger DARWEN REPORTER said...

What a sad reflection of society

January 11, 2009 at 5:17 PM  
Blogger Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

WOW thanks for talking in my terms...helps me understand everything so much better!

January 11, 2009 at 8:32 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

This is such a heartwarming tale for children.

January 11, 2009 at 8:50 PM  
Blogger Temple said...

This should be required reading for little girls right behind Snow White and the Seven Commitment-Phobes and The Three Little Chauvinist Pigs and Their Need for Expensive Things to Compensate :)

January 11, 2009 at 9:28 PM  
Blogger phd in yogurtry said...

I, and others in my profession, call this "keeping score." How about on day three he asks nicely, "could you put the cap on the toothpaste?" Lotta good it will do him, but at least he can stop the counting.

January 11, 2009 at 11:28 PM  
Anonymous Half Assed Kitchen said...

HIlarious!

January 12, 2009 at 12:08 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Shit. How lucky are you? You have your own bathroom? Thats outrageous. I'm telling Groucho that ALL my friends have their own bathroom and we need to turn the spare room into another bathroom.

January 12, 2009 at 5:07 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

I do love a good bedtime story, although this kind of story so often makes my snuggly-partner have to find his own fucking bed to sleep in.

January 12, 2009 at 7:24 AM  
Blogger TheCynicalOptimist said...

Well, after Smart Ass Mom's crazy intro of oyu, I had to come check it out- gotta say, I;m lobin' it!

PS- if you happen to check my blog out, not that you have to, but if you do, please don't think all I do it post slideshows of my darling child. I happened to do that yesterday but if you read back you will see this is a rare occurence (like I've never done it before). Just clearin' that up... I'm just saying I don't want you thinking I'm the lamest blogger ever and how could SmartA$$ mom even read my blog, right?

January 12, 2009 at 9:04 AM  
Blogger TheCynicalOptimist said...

Oh and PS- I am convinced my husband does this same crap about testing me with little things. The leftover CHicken and Rice soup is in the back of the fridge for like the 4th month now and just out of spite I am not moving in. Chicken and Rice THAT hubby!

January 12, 2009 at 9:06 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

Is there a problem with leaving the toothpaste cap off that I'm unaware of?

I mean, I don't do that in particular, but apparently I don't put my contact lense covers back on the case when I have my contacts in my eyes. This causes my husband greta heartache, but if the contacts aren't in there, there's no need for the covers, no?

January 12, 2009 at 9:56 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

I think the nanny is the villian of this story. Why isn't she cleaning up that shit?

January 12, 2009 at 11:08 AM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I tried this with a magazine that my husband left on the floor of the bathroom by the toilet. After a month of staring at "Tugnology" (Don't ask! It's a fucking magazine about TUGBOATS.) every time I sat on the can, I finally just asked to put it away or throw it out. I swear I wasn't keeping count, but it WAS a test.

I don't know why I do these stupid things, but don't hold it against your charming, handsome, intelligent husband. It could happen to anyone! ;-)

January 12, 2009 at 4:22 PM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

The most accurate term for this is Asshole. I hate when they try to catch you or trick you or whatever this shit is.

Grrr.

January 12, 2009 at 5:31 PM  
Blogger Charmaine said...

You're supposed to KEEP the toothpast cap?

Nobody ever told me that.

January 12, 2009 at 10:11 PM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

So I'm telling Sodomitedrinka, with whom I've lived for over 10 years (I can't call him Husbandrinka because: a. we live in California, so we can't be married anymore due to Prop.8; b. we never actually did get married during that brief window that we could've – we had other things to do, like go to the gym, Madonna concerts, and work [in that order]; and 3. that name is already taken.) – So anyway, I'm telling him about this post and the toothpaste cap, having a deep conversation about communication between couples, etc., and then he says, "Well, you know, you always leave the lid off your Noxema jar." And I'm shocked because I had no idea that I did (or didn't) do this. The lid was usually on it when I used it. And then he crinkles his nose and says something about how unsanitary it is to leave it opened like that in the bathroom with all those germs flying about. So I immediately shoot back, with quick and excellent debating skill, that his soap is left out in the open, so it's the same thing. Ha! So then we get into it a little about the brown crustiness of the exposed Noxema – and how I pretend putting that on my skin is good for me, like a mud-pack facial you'd get at the spa – that we never go to because he's always too busy, etc. And we air our differences, but it doesn't get ugly, and we both feel like more evolved human beings at the end of it. So, Marinka, not only are you an entertainer and educator, but I believe you should now add Couples-Counselor to your resume. And perhaps there will be Federal money made available to you in the new stimulus program, because YOU'RE bringing about the change we need. Thank you.

January 15, 2009 at 12:05 PM  
Blogger CSymons said...

I've just recently found your blog...thru a friend of a friend (that's how this works - right?) Anyhoo - you are Wonderfully funny! I'm a little more than jealous becuase I LOVE NYC and would be living there if I didn't have 3 spawn and a hubby to take care of. Reading your blog has made me laugh, but I've learned from experience that you CAN NOT have ANYTHING in your mouth when reading these...ANY of these.
I don't have the problem of the toothpaste cap...mine is squeezing the tube from the middle - ANNOYING! Love the blog!

January 16, 2009 at 9:58 AM  
Blogger Z said...

ok, ok, im late. but i LOVE this post!!!

January 17, 2009 at 2:25 PM  

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