Monday, January 12, 2009

I'll Just Sit Here and Look Pretty

When Husbandrinka and I got married, I decided to be all-feminist and "pull my own weight" in the relationship.   Which would have been fine if I weighed twelve pounds.  He outearned me a margin of kazillion to one, and also I wasn't much of a housekeeper, or a cook, now that you mention it, so I offered to pay the bills. Not with my own money, bite your tongue, but to write out the checks from our checkbook and send them out.  With a stamp and everything, I'm not a complete slug.

Husbandrinka was delighted with my offer, although he became somewhat less delighted within a few months when we started getting "turn off" notices from the phone company and our electricity provider.   I was used to living paycheck to paycheck, so turn off notices were my equivalent of those little "friendly reminder" notes.
"What's the big deal?" I asked. I may have been eating ice cream at the time.
"The big deal is that we are supposed to pay our bills," he explained. He may have been taking Exederin Extra Strength at the time.
"Well, I didn't.  So what?  Is that like against the law or something?"
"Do you like heat? Do you like lights? Let me rephrase that, do you like TV?"
I nodded.  I did like TV a lot.  I liked it so much that I taped General Hospital every day.  As a matter of fact, this conversation was eating into my TV watching time, so I was hoping that it was approaching a quick conclusion.
"You have to pay bills on time," he told me.  Seriously, it takes all kinds.

I realized that this marriage business was going to be more work than I'd bargained for, what with all these "we must have electricity" demands. But I made sure that the electricity bill was paid, so that we wouldn't have that awkward conversation again.  But this was in the days before automatic check paying, so I had to manually write out the checks, like an animal, and I don't know, I got bored or my hand got tired, so although I paid the electricity and the phone, I didn't pay the credit card bill.  For a few months.  And do you know what those anti-Semitic Jihadists do when you don't pay your credit card bill?  They charge late fees and also increase the sodomite finance charge.  

So Husbandrinka looked at the credit card bill and the finance charge is like 800% and he askedme if I have a credit card with Tony Soprano, which is funny, so now we're Husbandrinka: 1, Marinka 1,986.  
And then he told me that I wasn't allowed to pay bills anymore.  The one thing that I was able to do, he took away from me, just because I did it badly and nearly bankrupted us.  Men.  They try to keep you down.

63 Comments:

Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

"They charge late fees and also increase the sodomite finance charge."

Where the hell do you come up with this shit? LMAO!

January 12, 2009 at 12:43 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

that bastard. I like to wait until the last minute as well- I thrive on danger......

January 12, 2009 at 12:47 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

you are so fucking funny.

January 12, 2009 at 12:48 PM  
Blogger Leigh (Modern Mommy) said...

LMAO!! My mother (who may read your blog and will be pissed if she reads this) gave me a very important piece of advice when I got married: As long as you keep your husband happy in bed he won't care how many checks you bounce. She's a smart woman.

January 12, 2009 at 12:49 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

That settles it. I'm never having a husband.

January 12, 2009 at 12:50 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

I love your husbands questions "Uh honey you like heat don't you?" Relationships are such work ha ha! I am so glad that he got through to you by making you understanding that without the bills being paid you might not get to see what will happen with the Casadines!

January 12, 2009 at 12:52 PM  
Blogger K.Line said...

OK, how do I get me this kind of gig?! You are obviously a genius.

January 12, 2009 at 12:54 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

Holy SHIT, this sounds so much like me that I could have totally written (a less wittier and funnier version of) it.

January 12, 2009 at 1:06 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

You're right. They are all chauvinists. They like to hide behind their little jokes because it's all 2009 now, but under it all they are and will always be chauvinists.

:) you go girl.

January 12, 2009 at 1:09 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Well hey, now if he says you don't pull your weight you can claim he's "too anal" and at least you tried!

January 12, 2009 at 1:27 PM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

"had to manually write out the checks, like an animal" made me laugh out loud!!

My husband would so never let me be in charge of the bills. He's smart like that.

I love the picture in your header so much I could just die of it...

January 12, 2009 at 1:40 PM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

When I moved my husband (boyfriend at the time) for the first time after 3 months of dating...I found several unopened credit card statements. I took over his finances from then on out. I guess I'm anal too.

January 12, 2009 at 1:40 PM  
Blogger Belle said...

Husbandrinka is so boring! My one's the same. Their priorities are so screwed up!

January 12, 2009 at 1:43 PM  
Blogger Debbie said...

Really. Good intentions should just be enough.

January 12, 2009 at 1:53 PM  
Blogger Threeboys1mommy said...

Where have you and husbandrinka been all my life? You guys crack me up.

January 12, 2009 at 2:05 PM  
Blogger blognut said...

I pay the bills in a marginally passable sort of timeframe because I deal with people checkbook shit all day and I don't want to deal with my own when I get home. I want my husband to take over but he is a debit card wielding, balance spending, check writing, clusterfuck; so the job remains with me.

January 12, 2009 at 2:14 PM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

Well I guess you still have the responsibility of taping and watching General Hospital right?

January 12, 2009 at 2:21 PM  
Blogger Heinous said...

The sodomite finance charge sounds extra painful. I hope the card was in his name for that one.

Oddly, my wife won't let me touch the checkbook. We may be safer that way.

January 12, 2009 at 2:56 PM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

I used to pay the bills because I used to have "control issues". Ahem. So when my husband developed a microsoft money habit, he took the bill paying away from me too.

They DO try to keep you down!

January 12, 2009 at 3:01 PM  
Blogger WA said...

Oh how I miss the Dark Ages of check writing and VCR taping.

Were you also wearing stonewashed jeans at the time?

January 12, 2009 at 3:04 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

Until today, I was a "Motherhood in NYC" virgin. Very amusing blog. I'll def have to keep up with this one!

January 12, 2009 at 3:11 PM  
Blogger lisa said...

See, your plan worked, now you just have to look pretty!! Smart move.

January 12, 2009 at 3:20 PM  
Blogger Imogen Lamport said...

wow - you are a master - I should take tips on you - I do everything, pay the bills, shop, cook ....I worship at your feet!

January 12, 2009 at 3:27 PM  
Blogger Insta-mom said...

Pay the credit card bill? You mean that's not just them giving you stuff? Sh*t.

January 12, 2009 at 3:42 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

That would so be me and the hubby knows it! Thats why I keep the house and kids clean and the family fed! We would be homeless if it were up to me! LOL

January 12, 2009 at 3:49 PM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

Men. Tsk, tsk. They understand so little about finances.

January 12, 2009 at 3:52 PM  
Blogger PsychMamma said...

I always say, "If there's a chore you don't like to do, do it poorly. Then they never ask you to do it again."

Thanks for cracking me up every single day. You're much cheaper than therapy for beating the winter blues. Hey! You could use that as a tagline!

I have to go pay some bills.....

January 12, 2009 at 3:56 PM  
Blogger Jess said...

Wow, this could have been written out of a scene from my house. I'm glad to know I'm not the only wife whose husband doesn't want her paying the bills because they don't get paid on time.

January 12, 2009 at 4:11 PM  
Blogger PurpleGreenPops.com said...

I will be talking to my wife about something, and the next thing I know, she pull a 180 on me, and I end up being the one who did something wrong.

How do women do this?

January 12, 2009 at 5:02 PM  
Blogger Julia@SometimesLucid said...

I wish I could get away from doing anything in the house. Just because I'm an accountant how does my husband think I'm qualified to pay bills???????

January 12, 2009 at 5:19 PM  
Blogger Maura said...

I thought only men used the "If there's a chore you don't like to do, do it poorly. Then they never ask you to do it again." rationale to get out of doing laundry and stuff. Who knew?

Men, bastards all.

January 12, 2009 at 6:18 PM  
Blogger Momo Fali said...

Damn them. If only we didn't need their money...with which we don't pay the bills.

January 12, 2009 at 6:19 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Checks - what are checks?

January 12, 2009 at 6:30 PM  
Blogger Temple said...

This seems fair to me...they do the same thing to us but with laundry--every man I know will volunteer to do laundry oh, at least once, and then "mistakenly" shrink your favorite hot pink cashmere sweater so that it would only fit Barbie's little cousin, Skipper, just so that they will never be trusted with such a task again. So, the "paying bills" sabotage seems totally fair to me :)

January 12, 2009 at 6:39 PM  
Blogger Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

That's perfect and So explains the relationship I have with my husband...always trying to keep me down! lol!

January 12, 2009 at 7:24 PM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

It's people like husbandrinka who are responsible for our nation's bank failures. If people are paying their credit card bills on time, how can our financial institutions make any money? I hope he's happy now.

January 12, 2009 at 7:43 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Hubby still lets me pay the bills even though I suck at it, but nobody wins. I might just give it up for lent...

January 12, 2009 at 7:55 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

You are so lucky! I screw up the bills all the time but he still makes me do it. Well, last time he might have said something like 'I'll pay the bills if you mow the grass and take out the trash' - can you imagine? If I wanted to do manual labor would my house look like this??

January 12, 2009 at 7:56 PM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

Did you get a new header?

xoxo, SG

January 12, 2009 at 8:28 PM  
Blogger Cathy said...

Ha. I wish my husband would pay the bills for us. I'm ashamed to say how much money I've spent in late fees or overdraft fees last year. So my goal was to pay bills every Sunday night - and guess what - I didn't do it last night - thank god I spend my evenings reading blogs - now I can go pay the bills from your reminder - right after I'm done clearing my reader.

January 12, 2009 at 9:09 PM  
Anonymous apathy lounge said...

Everyone's a critic, ya know? What the hell happened to "E for Effort"?

January 12, 2009 at 9:28 PM  
Anonymous Do You Hear Voices? said...

"This was in the days before automatic check paying."

I'm confused. You mean I DON'T have to keep writing out my checks by hand?

Then again, what do I know? I drive a car from Clinton's first term and I don't even have cable.

January 12, 2009 at 9:28 PM  
Blogger Immoral Matriarch said...

"I nodded. I did like TV a lot. I liked it so much that I taped General Hospital every day. As a matter of fact, this conversation was eating into my TV watching time, so I was hoping that it was approaching a quick conclusion."

I laughed. So fucking hard. That I had to go wipe the burning melted mascara out of my eyes before I could come back and leave this lame ass comment.

January 12, 2009 at 9:52 PM  
Blogger Charmaine said...

I hate anti-Semitic credit card companies.

Those bastards come after Irish Catholics too. They are equal opportunity "haters".

I mean, I was going to get around to writing the check...

January 12, 2009 at 10:06 PM  
Blogger Janie said...

Girl. You make me fucking laugh.

now wait.

Did I mean to say it like that?

oh, well.

January 12, 2009 at 11:52 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

Husbands are so unreasonable. I mean, you were just trying to help.

January 12, 2009 at 11:55 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

You are still side splittingly funny...but I am not with you on this one. I'm manic about paying bills. I'd be right beside Husbandrinka. Which means, I think, that I could be your husband. Wifesband? If you ever want a new one.

No scratch that. I definitely do not out earn you by a kazillion to one and I'm sure that's a key qualification.

January 13, 2009 at 2:00 AM  
Blogger StatMama said...

Yeah, I actually refuse to do the budgeting/bill paying. No doubt similar conversations would be happening in my home!

January 13, 2009 at 3:02 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

I too, was stripped of my duties with regards to managing the finances. Good. Now I have more time to blog.

January 13, 2009 at 6:05 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

I laughed all the way through this one....

I'm not allowed to pay the bills, either, but for a different reason. Although I was a computer programmer for many years, I don't add and subtract very well. Even with a calculator. I'm not allowed to even subtract from the register after I write a check. And I'm only allowed to use a pencil to write in the check number and amount.

So sometimes, when I want to piss him off, I go through and reconcile the whole register with an ink pen.

January 13, 2009 at 8:23 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

I'm laughing because in our house the tables are turned around... my husband is NEVER allowed near any of our finances, bills, etc.

If he wants money, he comes to me. If he wants to buy anything he clears it first.

He transposes numbers... so what could be 820 is usually 280. Can't tell you how many times we've been F***d.

January 13, 2009 at 8:46 AM  
Anonymous Katy (aka funny girl) said...

Yeah, I'm not allowed to pay the bills either.

Also I'm a little worried that you might not know how funny you are, based on the comments. So just in case you're still a little unsure, YOU'RE EFFING HILARIOUS. Okay?? :-)

January 13, 2009 at 10:10 AM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I paid the bills he spent the money. Now I pay the bills and b/c of "him" I have no money

January 13, 2009 at 10:49 AM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

This is why I was never put in charge of paying bill in the first place.

January 13, 2009 at 11:52 AM  
Blogger jen said...

so can i use your example as a reason why i shouldn't be allowed to pay the bills? cause the business of doing so ... sucks too.

January 13, 2009 at 12:01 PM  
Blogger Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children said...

Perhaps I should try this so that I don't have to be the one to pay the bills! I know it's merely hitting submit on my bank website, but it takes valuable time away from my other pursuits.

January 13, 2009 at 2:01 PM  
Blogger Cookie said...

You might be the funniest person. ever. just sayin.

January 13, 2009 at 2:15 PM  
Blogger Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Discovered you through Queen of Shake Shake. Love your wit and sarcasm...and yeah, my Hubby took the bill-paying job away from me too. Apparently b/c I wasn't writing the debits in RED INK and the credits in BLUE INK in our checkbook. Argh.

January 13, 2009 at 2:48 PM  
Blogger Cindy said...

This reminds me of a little ditty I know. It starts like this...

Green acres is the place to be
Farm living is the life for me
Land spreading out,
so far and wide
Keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside...

January 13, 2009 at 11:35 PM  
Blogger Brandy Rose said...

Hahaha. Came over from the Bloggess, and found this highly entertaining.

January 15, 2009 at 11:39 PM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Yes, credit card companies get away with usury every day!

And even thought I paid all the bills on time my husband took away my one duty of paying the bills, too.... and I LOVE it, because now it is HIS fault when we run out of money. :) TRust me, you dodged a bullet on this one.

January 16, 2009 at 7:02 PM  
Blogger Z said...

i've got nothing to add to this, just wanted to comment to say hello and whatnot. also, wine is good. credit cards bills are not. paying credit card bills while drinking wine? well... is interesting. and i may be doing that right now. or not. maybe i am just drinking the wine and pretending to pay the bills ;)

January 17, 2009 at 2:28 PM  
Anonymous Rachel said...

'sodomite finance charge'

that's exactly what it is. Thank you for putting a label on the hell that is credit cards! ;-) Brilliant.

I'm beginning to see why Heather loves you so much!

January 17, 2009 at 7:10 PM  

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