Here is a brief yet exhaustive list of circumstances under which you would find me on a cruise ship:
1. I am dead and my torso is being transported to a watery grave.
2. I have been sold into freckled slavery and am being moved to my new destination. (Hopefully, this destination has a full staff, because I'm super lazy.)
3. I have had a complete nervous breakdown and I'm doing everything that is the polar opposite of my usual habits. This would also mean that I am now a fundamentalist, have frosted highlights in my hair and am working hard on the "Amend for Arnold" campaign.
I do not understand why anyone, not heavily and illegally medicated, would willingly go on a cruise. Maybe it's because I take the NYC subway daily so the novelty of being trapped with many strangers has worn off. True, you get the extra perk of seasickness on a cruise not available on the subway, but is that really worth the heavy price? And I don't mean just money-price. I'm talking about how every time you hear about a cruise, it's "missing passenger"-this and "quarantine because of horrific illness"-that. With some pirate action thrown in for good measure. Seriously, who needs this shit? Being trapped on a death vessel with everyone wearing pastels is not relaxing to me.
But I want to learn, so help me. Do people going on a cruise ship get tax credits or something? Discounts at Saks? Human organs? This would certainly explain why people keep disappearing on cruise ships.