Cruising

Here is a brief yet exhaustive list of circumstances under which you would find me on a cruise ship:

1. I am dead and my torso is being transported to a watery grave.

2. I have been sold into freckled slavery and am being moved to my new destination.  (Hopefully, this destination has a full staff, because I'm super lazy.)

3.  I have had a complete nervous breakdown and I'm doing everything that is the polar opposite of my usual habits.  This would also mean that I am now a fundamentalist, have frosted highlights in my hair and am working hard on the "Amend for Arnold" campaign. 

I do not understand why anyone, not heavily and illegally medicated, would willingly go on a cruise.  Maybe it's because I take the NYC subway daily so the novelty of being trapped with many strangers has worn off.  True, you get the extra perk of seasickness on a cruise not available on the subway, but is that really worth the heavy price?  And I don't mean just money-price.  I'm talking about how every time you hear about a cruise,  it's "missing passenger"-this and "quarantine because of horrific illness"-that.  With some pirate action thrown in for good measure.  Seriously, who needs this shit?  Being trapped on a death vessel with everyone wearing pastels is not relaxing to me.  

But I want to learn, so help me.  Do people going on a cruise ship get tax credits or something? Discounts at Saks?  Human organs? This would certainly explain why people keep disappearing on cruise ships.