Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Comment Policy

I never understood bloggers who have a "comment policy", telling readers what kind of comments are acceptable and not. I mean, who cares? People are reading, they care enough to comment and unless Jodi Picoult is leaving snippets of her writing in your comment box, it's all good, right? (Note to self: I can't get away with expressions like "it's all good".)

But then I read the comments on my kitten acquisition post and had a complete revelation. The people who have a comment policy are geniuses and I have been a damn fool.
Because it has taken me and my daughter, collectively, years to get Husbandrinka to agree to a cat and you people are totally about to blow it for us.

As you may recall, Husbandrinka agreed to a feline American after a carefully orchestrated campaign of begging and pleading. What you may not know is that I had to pepper it with lies in order to cement the deal. And mix some metaphors while I was at it.

For example, one of Husbandrinka's issues was that "in 8 years the kids are going to go to college and move out and we'll still be taking care of this fucking cat."
My response, "Silly, cats only live for 3 to 4 years, at which point they die peacefully and inexpensively in their sleep." I wanted to mention that the threat of college may be exaggerated for our daughter, as she spent the evening telling us that she couldn't possibly do her math homework without her glittery pencil, which she left at school.

Husbandrinka was also worried that we couldn't go away on vacation because of the cat or "spend a fortune" on a cat sitter. "Do not fret," I told him (perhaps not in those exact words), "I have many friends who will gladly watch the cat when we go away." (I have no such friends).

So with these carefully crafted lies, we are proceeding with the cat adoption. And I would appreciate it if your comments could be less discouraging.

I will give examples and I'm sorry that I have to call people out, but this is the only way that everyone will learn.

Jen offered that her cat likes to chew wood. Thanks for the heads up, Jen, but what if Husbandrinka reads my blog? Didn't think of that, did you? Well your not thinking of it could have cost me hours of conversation along the lines of "What if we adopt what turns out to be TermiteCat?!" I don't have time for those conversations, Jen, I have a blog to write.
The fact that Husbandrinka doesn't read my blog is a very weak defense, by the way. Sort of like "I didn't think I'd get stopped by the police officer and who knew that they'd ask me to open the trunk where I was storing the body?!" is not going to get a lot of mileage.

And Blognut, of More Mindless Ramblings. Seriously, mindlessly ramble all you want, but why would you leave a comment about a cat toy that could scare the shit out of Husbandrinka when he stepped on it in the middle of the night? Husbandrinka is noise sensitive and also is one of those weirdos who doesn't like having the shit scared out of him while half-asleep.

Then SweetPeaSurry chimes in with the helpful suggestion of a hamster or a rat or whatever mutant she's trying to pawn off on me. I wonder if Sweetness asked herself how she would feel if my beautiful daughter was forced to cuddle with a python instead of a kitten because Husbandrinka thought that a smaller critter was a better idea. Not a pretty picture, is it?
Oh, what's that Moziesme? Your cat just sheds and claws at your door? I don't know what could be more charming and wholesome! I'm sure Husbandrinka will be on his way to getting a whole litter of cats when he reads that!

And Belle, with her kangaroo-style shitting cat:
Belle said...
Our kitten DID grow into a Kangaroo. Or at least it shits like one. And not always in the litterbox!
Who do you think is going to clean up the katgaroo turd?
I don't know, Belle, who? Surely you're not suggesting that either Husbandrinka or I will have to do it, are you? Because I already reassured Husbandrinka that they now have non-defecating cats and I'd just as soon that you didn't throw your outdated model cat at him. It'll just confuse him.

Kylie's cats won't use the litter box. But that's because her cats are Polish. Insert your favorite Polish joke here. And for no specific reason, I would like to announce my complete love and adoration of OHMommy.

So, from now on, we're going to do things differently. Before leaving a comment, you will ask yourself, "will my comment help or hurt Marinka? Will it give ammunition to Husbandrinka? How can I make everything better for Marinka?"

I know that it will take some time to adjust to this new policy, but you really have only yourselves to blame.

Labels: ,


Blogger JLC said...

I agree with you, but now I'm compelled to pass along my cat problems.

At least you have the option for a normal cat, unlike the rest of us.

And I'm pretty sure my cat problem is very unique, and unheard of.

Take a look. Click.

Let me know what you think about THAT! LOL

January 27, 2009 at 12:57 AM  
Anonymous Rachel said...

Oh my holy hell Marinka,

I almost hurt myself laughing.

My new policy is to thinka Marinka ;-)

Ok. I need sleep.

January 27, 2009 at 1:03 AM  
Blogger jen said...

i'm retracting my comment about my cat that chews wood (and barbies ... i did mention that didn't i?) irregardless.

please note. said cat ... was abandoned by his mom in a freezing cold barn at the ripe ol' age of 1 day. so my theory is that ... he has issues. the other 2/3 of my cat family is perfect.

there aren't any barns in new york city, are there? you should be fine.

January 27, 2009 at 1:27 AM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

i haz ammunitions plez

sorry i capitulated to the internet craze!!! i'm human!

January 27, 2009 at 1:39 AM  
Blogger PinkLizzy said...

I love my kitten. We'd put off buying her for years for a billion small reasons but now we have her (Midge) we couldn't imagine not having her. She is beautiful, and she keeps the kids entertained free and easily.
It's like having a feline babysitter always on hand.

January 27, 2009 at 2:31 AM  
Blogger Threeboys1mommy said...

What is wrong with these people!?!

Let the record show that I refrained from commenting on how repulsed I am by cats because I'd hate for your children to lose out on kitty ownership on my account.

Husbandrinka doesn't need to know that I think cats are useless evil demons that will scratch his children's eyes out at a moments notice. That's irrelevant.

January 27, 2009 at 2:51 AM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Two words. Hair balls. How did you explain that one to Husbandrinka?

January 27, 2009 at 3:49 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

My cat makes me martinis.

Ok, so I don't have a cat and I'm not even a cat person, but if I was and I did - it would.

Does that help?

January 27, 2009 at 3:56 AM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

Your cat would shit Hershey Kisses, because it belongs to your majesty. I bow to your greatness, Queen Marinka. LOVE the policy-- I think I may mooch it. ;)

January 27, 2009 at 5:52 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

The cats next door use the toilet, wipe and flush. They are amazing!

We've heard that the local university is considering letting them enroll as students.

All of the above is true. I don't know you, so why would I lie.

January 27, 2009 at 5:55 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

I failed to mention that all of the new-model cats shit rosebuds and know how to swiffer up their own hair (IF they shed at all). They also dust and load dishwashers now. You're all good, Marinka. I'll try to be more sensitive to the cause from now on....

January 27, 2009 at 6:43 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

Um, will it, or won't it? It might, or it might not. Actually, my comment is just drivel and won't hurt anyone. Or it might hurt all of you, twisting your grey matter like a wet towel...

January 27, 2009 at 7:13 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

You are absolutely right. Us old tarts should stick together. I truly feel bad.
Did I mention that Katgaroo gives a mean blowjob?

January 27, 2009 at 7:22 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

Damn you woman!
I hate rules, for you though...please make sure you make it a sticky for all future readers.

January 27, 2009 at 7:33 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

Like you, I'm trying to go with a wide open comment policy, but my husband DOES read my blog and every time I post he comes bounding out of his basement workroom saying things like, "Oh, so I'm the Thermostat Nazi now?" Oh, wait, that wasn't a comment -- that was me.

Never mind.

January 27, 2009 at 7:37 AM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

The best comment policy for sure.

Oh. And naturally, I have a million Polish jokes I was inserting into your post. It took me a while to get through this one today. :) Awesome.

January 27, 2009 at 8:21 AM  
Anonymous Paisley's Mom said...

As far as lifespan goes, our sweet kitty died 3 months shy of her 20th birthday. We had 16 great years together, 2 pretty good years, and 18 months of kitty senility (entertaining yet messy).

January 27, 2009 at 8:43 AM  
Blogger Andy said...

Marinka, I think you're a genius. And a comment dictator...so I won't tell comment on how my parents' cat likes to jump out from under beds and latch onto your leg like a monkey to a vine.

January 27, 2009 at 9:34 AM  
Blogger Trix in the City said...

C'Mon now Husbandrinka... cats flippin' sleep 20 out of 24 hours a day! They are the best pets for lazy people. When you go on vacation just leave a big bowl of food & water and a couple poop boxes out and your set (I'd suggest cheap disposable ones that you can just trash rather than scoop when you get back)... no sitter needed!! Although my friends BEG me to come watch mine when I go out of town... and the only time I make up bad things about my cats is when I'm discouraging said friends from catnapping them while I'm gone!

January 27, 2009 at 9:45 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

ok...I am psoting my comment from my mobile which is a total pain in the ass and usually against my religion. but for you? I make exception.

at this very moment I am sitting in the vet's office waiting for lab work on my cat who up and got sick on me for no apparent reason. not only will this be expensive i'm sure, but has also subjected me to listening to "Dreamweaver". I love me some kitties, but "Dreamweaver" is too much.

I know your comment policy stipulates that it should help Marinka. Believe me, this helps. Be sure to pick a vet with better music than mine. because the song playing now? xanadu.

January 27, 2009 at 10:30 AM  
Blogger Miss Em said...

My cat flushes the toilet, plays fetch, and gives kisses on demand. No shit. Well, at least no shit on the floor. Usually.

Just kidding, the only accident we've ever had is when I paid my cat to pee in my Ex's suitcase one weekend. But I wouldn't call that an accident, per se.

January 27, 2009 at 10:34 AM  
Blogger Magpie said...

There is no need for a cat sitter unless you go away for weeks on end. Dry food and a bowl of water, and a clean litter box, and that cat will be fine for days. Seriously.

January 27, 2009 at 10:36 AM  
Blogger Heinous said...

All this thinking about repercussions sounds like a lot of work for me. Then again, my comments are always helpful, are they not?

January 27, 2009 at 10:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cats are wonderful and Husbandrinka should be thrilled that you have bestowed upon him the pleasure, nay, the unimaginable joy that cat ownership entails.

Hope that helps. You had me in stitches for at least 10 minutes.

January 27, 2009 at 10:48 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I should mention that my cats did learn to feed themselves. I set the container of cat food out, and the learned how to open it and much as the so desired. So there's that. (THe raccoons also learned to feed themselves, so that didn't last very long but if they were still inside, at least I wouldn't have to remember to feed them. I"m just sayin'.

January 27, 2009 at 10:50 AM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

I will try and remember this in the future.

Just so you know though, cats can survive by themselves when you go on vacation. You just leave the facet running a bit and the toilet open and they have water. Then you just leave an open bag of food. Either you'll come home to an alive cat, or Garfield, but either way, it will be fine.

January 27, 2009 at 10:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I said my cats were like the devil, I meant it in the best possible way. I obvious meant they have something to offer that is so good you're willing to sell our soul for it.

Good luck with the kitty hunt.

January 27, 2009 at 11:14 AM  
Blogger Swistle said...

You are killing me. Killing Me. I need a policy for this.

Also: my cats are the best thing that ever happened to our family, and my husband and I are NOT AT ALL counting the days until their peaceful passing.

January 27, 2009 at 12:04 PM  
Blogger Lawton said...

I don't know about the rest of them, but that blow job kangaroo cat seems to have found a way to redeem herself.

January 27, 2009 at 12:06 PM  
Blogger Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

In light of new comment policy, I would just like to say that Marinka should not only get a wonderful shitfree/shedfree cat and instead be showered with diamonds of various colors and carots (obviously big ones) on a daily basis.

Aren't I obedient?

January 27, 2009 at 12:23 PM  
Blogger Tooj said...

I'm just thankful I didn't get called out. I'm also pretty sure I left no incriminating stories about the cat I HAD because this is just a comment, not a post. But if you wanted to know about it, feel free to read up on cats who piss everywhere, especially in closets and in the mens' gym bags. Just sayin'.....

January 27, 2009 at 12:28 PM  
Blogger Cindy said...

My old roommates had cats. They shit in the bathroom sink.

Wait, did that hurt or help? This is too hard.

January 27, 2009 at 12:36 PM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

if you were to say that i had cat pee on my leg right now, you would be half-right.

btw, and i am not lying, a PETCO ad really does show on my screen right now, under your post. "get fit with your pet!""save $5 in-store" and next to this clever copy is a picture of an adorable cat-or-dog - it's undecipherable, (purposefully, i think) - in a body sweater, walking through the snow.

so yet another reason for husbandrinka to sign on - it's good for his health.

January 27, 2009 at 12:41 PM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

The perils of cats are known to all... no amount of bribing, schmoozing, cajoling or threatening will change that.

Look no further than the ads at the bottom of your page: 1.) "Cat Urine Behavior" and 2.) CatScram Cat Repellent.

Maybe you should offer Husbandrinka some of the CatScram? Is he a believer in technology over animal fallibility???

January 27, 2009 at 12:44 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

You're frickin' crazy, Marinka...but point well taken.

I'm going to practice...

"Husbandrinka, if you don't get a cat, I'm moving in and I don't use litter boxes or toilets! I tend to shit in peoples shoes for some strange misguided reason."

How was that? Helpful enough?

January 27, 2009 at 1:55 PM  
Blogger Miss Britt said...

Completely off topic:

I hear children who own cats are three times as likely to grow up to be successful adults and take their cats with them.


I hear women who receive unexpected gifts of expensive jewelry are 8 times more likely to perform oral sex on their husbands.

January 27, 2009 at 2:14 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

LOL that made my day! Thanks for the laugh. Cats are good pets, they aren't as needy as dogs that's for sure. They aren't high maintnance either! Get a cat.

January 27, 2009 at 4:40 PM  
Blogger Mary Moore said...

That made my day too! Thanks for the laugh! And by the way, I didn't screw it up for you, although I dislike cats...they're snarly.

January 27, 2009 at 5:18 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

i can't remember if i said anything bad about cats. hope not! i don't want to violate the new policy.

btw, tell husbandrinka cats can spend days by themselves-- no pet sitter needed!

January 27, 2009 at 5:31 PM  
Anonymous aimee said...

HA HA! Katgaroo turd!

January 27, 2009 at 5:33 PM  
Blogger Tracey said...

Oh darling, we ARE trying to help you by saving you the tragedy that is being a cat owner.

Mine eat plastic and then gag it up. Repeatedly.

Then, they find the cleanest basket of laundry and pee on it. Or your leather coat that fell off of the couch even though mom is always yelling "Keep your coats off the floor so the cats don't pee on them!"

But GO AHEAD!! Get a feline monster. Don't say we didn't warn you...

January 27, 2009 at 7:17 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

My next post will say all I need to say about this subject

January 27, 2009 at 7:35 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

So many questions. This comment policy is hurting my brain. I feel like I'm being interrogated. Under harsh lights. By professionals.

For the record, a cat would never do that to anyone. They barely even like people and don't bother them at all; in fact, hardly even notice them when they walk into rooms. So they are no trouble at all.

This comment policy on the other hand? Well, I'm just saying, it's no cat.

January 27, 2009 at 9:33 PM  
Blogger Renée aka Mekhismom said...

This comment is probably not going to make it because it violates all of the rules that you so kindly laid out for us. However, I will say it anyway - I'd take a dog over a cat any day. You may end up with a crazy cat that runs in circles chasing her tail all day and night. It could happen. My friend adopted a crazy cat and he wondered why he ever thought that owning a cat was a good idea.

Sorry. I am a dog lover.

January 27, 2009 at 9:48 PM  
Blogger Smores for Breakfast said...

seriously friggin hillarious. And, you've got more comments then ever. brilliant woman.

January 27, 2009 at 10:25 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

Cats are like people, they all have their own unique personality. I've had 7 different cats. Now I have a dog. I love him, but he's definitely high maintance compared to how easy it was to take care of the cats.

Even my MIL would come over every couple of days to clean up their box and check their food and water. And she HATES cats.

See I can follow directions!

January 27, 2009 at 10:30 PM  
Anonymous kia (good enough mama) said...

I'd say "screw your fecking commenty rules," but if I did, you'd just "spam" me anyway, wouldn't you?

January 27, 2009 at 10:40 PM  
Blogger Maura said...

I haven't been able to think of anything since the second comment: Thinka Marinka. Truly, a mantra to live by.

Don't all cats give awesome blow jobs? I thought that was a well-known fact.

January 27, 2009 at 10:47 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

F--K the cat. Get a bunny.

January 27, 2009 at 11:48 PM  
Blogger Captain Dumbass said...

I'm trying to not think about Belle's comment on Katgaroo blowjobs.

January 28, 2009 at 1:00 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

Get a bunny. But only if you are certain that Husbandrinka is not having an affair with Glenn Close.

January 28, 2009 at 1:04 AM  
Blogger Braja said...

I'm sorry I didn't comment earlier; I haven't been online much, otherwise I could have told you that my cat is trained to clean, cook, look after it's own meals, let itself in and out the house, attack burglars, wake us up at whatever time we ask it to the night before, and give cuddles on demand. It will purr softly next to the horizontal form of a sick person, thus aiding their recovery; it makes a mean vegetarian chicken soup for the soul; reads your favorite books to you as you drop off into a comfortable sleep, and even entertains guests you didn't want to have. I don't know what-all these other whiney shits are talking about: cats rock.

So, you got one yet?

January 28, 2009 at 3:31 AM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Those bastards.

Tell Husbandrinka that our cat was an angel who cleaned up after herself and also made homemade beer and Polish sausages on the weekends.

He should be all in, I think.

January 28, 2009 at 8:23 AM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I think you hit this one out of the ballpark and all the way over here to the middle of the Pacific. Laughed until my sides hurt.

have you seen this?

I don't think it would hurt your campaign. Cats as entertainment.

January 28, 2009 at 9:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your passive aggressive arguments are alarmingly subtle. I would guess your powers of this art would be most impressive when taught to your cat. Because a passive aggressive cat? That is fun pet ownership. Even Husbandrinka can't argue that.

January 28, 2009 at 1:57 PM  
Blogger A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Out of the blue, my seven-year old son announced to his friend, in the backseat of the car today, that lazy people tend to have cats. (We have a cat). When challenged, he was unable to defend his position. 0-1. Go cats.

January 28, 2009 at 10:06 PM  
Blogger MoziEsmé said...

Oh I am so sorry for my thoughtless comment! Thanks for bringing my error to light... I'll do my best to rectify my ways.

Kitkat provides a constant source of entertainment for our 21-mo-old. They play hide-n-seek regularly, giving mom & dad a break from having to play.

Get the cat!

January 29, 2009 at 1:26 AM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...


I don't know what to say now that will not hurt your chances of getting a cat. But my husband fell in love with our cat yesterday when he saw all that she puts up with from our 2 and 4 year old and does not kill them in their sleep.

He really did.

January 29, 2009 at 9:05 AM  

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