Comment Policy

I never understood bloggers who have a "comment policy", telling readers what kind of comments are acceptable and not. I mean, who cares? People are reading, they care enough to comment and unless Jodi Picoult is leaving snippets of her writing in your comment box, it's all good, right? (Note to self: I can't get away with expressions like "it's all good".)

But then I read the comments on my kitten acquisition post and had a complete revelation. The people who have a comment policy are geniuses and I have been a damn fool.

Why?

Because it has taken me and my daughter, collectively, years to get Husbandrinka to agree to a cat and you people are totally about to blow it for us.

As you may recall, Husbandrinka agreed to a feline American after a carefully orchestrated campaign of begging and pleading. What you may not know is that I had to pepper it with lies in order to cement the deal. And mix some metaphors while I was at it.

For example, one of Husbandrinka's issues was that "in 8 years the kids are going to go to college and move out and we'll still be taking care of this fucking cat."

My response, "Silly, cats only live for 3 to 4 years, at which point they die peacefully and inexpensively in their sleep." I wanted to mention that the threat of college may be exaggerated for our daughter, as she spent the evening telling us that she couldn't possibly do her math homework without her glittery pencil, which she left at school.

Husbandrinka was also worried that we couldn't go away on vacation because of the cat or "spend a fortune" on a cat sitter. "Do not fret," I told him (perhaps not in those exact words), "I have many friends who will gladly watch the cat when we go away." (I have no such friends).

So with these carefully crafted lies, we are proceeding with the cat adoption. And I would appreciate it if your comments could be less discouraging.

I will give examples and I'm sorry that I have to call people out, but this is the only way that everyone will learn.

Jen offered that her cat likes to chew wood. Thanks for the heads up, Jen, but what if Husbandrinka reads my blog? Didn't think of that, did you? Well your not thinking of it could have cost me hours of conversation along the lines of "What if we adopt what turns out to be TermiteCat?!" I don't have time for those conversations, Jen, I have a blog to write.

The fact that Husbandrinka doesn't read my blog is a very weak defense, by the way. Sort of like "I didn't think I'd get stopped by the police officer and who knew that they'd ask me to open the trunk where I was storing the body?!" is not going to get a lot of mileage.

And Blognut, of More Mindless Ramblings. Seriously, mindlessly ramble all you want, but why would you leave a comment about a cat toy that could scare the shit out of Husbandrinka when he stepped on it in the middle of the night? Husbandrinka is noise sensitive and also is one of those weirdos who doesn't like having the shit scared out of him while half-asleep.

Then SweetPeaSurry chimes in with the helpful suggestion of a hamster or a rat or whatever mutant she's trying to pawn off on me. I wonder if Sweetness asked herself how she would feel if my beautiful daughter was forced to cuddle with a python instead of a kitten because Husbandrinka thought that a smaller critter was a better idea. Not a pretty picture, is it?

Oh, what's that Moziesme? Your cat just sheds and claws at your door? I don't know what could be more charming and wholesome! I'm sure Husbandrinka will be on his way to getting a whole litter of cats when he reads that!

And Belle, with her kangaroo-style shitting cat:

Belle said...
Our kitten DID grow into a Kangaroo. Or at least it shits like one. And not always in the litterbox!
Who do you think is going to clean up the katgaroo turd?

I don't know, Belle, who? Surely you're not suggesting that either Husbandrinka or I will have to do it, are you? Because I already reassured Husbandrinka that they now have non-defecating cats and I'd just as soon that you didn't throw your outdated model cat at him. It'll just confuse him.

Kylie's cats won't use the litter box. But that's because her cats are Polish. Insert your favorite Polish joke here. And for no specific reason, I would like to announce my complete love and adoration of OHMommy.

So, from now on, we're going to do things differently. Before leaving a comment, you will ask yourself, "will my comment help or hurt Marinka? Will it give ammunition to Husbandrinka? How can I make everything better for Marinka?"

I know that it will take some time to adjust to this new policy, but you really have only yourselves to blame.