Thursday, February 5, 2009

Are You Thinking What I'm Thinking?

So, as you probably know, I'm in the midst of a giveaway right now, which means that things are a little  different. For one, comments on each post close at midnight.  And for another, I haven't felt comfortable running my "Resurrection" post this week.  I'm hoping to get the courage to do that next week.  Please pray for me.

Today is catch up day.

First:  A while ago, I ranted and raved about how full of shit Kelly and Reese are for saying, in effect, that their kids play with sticks and rocks and how those are the best toys.  I didn't buy it for a second.  Well, friend John told me that he was watching Regis & Kelly recently and Teri Hatcher was on and she and Kelly were talking about how their daughters love to ride horses.  So, I guess we have to add a fucking stallion to the list of "rocks" and "sticks" of playthings for Kelly's kids.  Gotcha. (Oh yeah, side note:  Does anyone know what's up with Regis' hair?)

Second:  On Tuesday night,  I went out with my regular group of "mom friends" from my kids' school. We get together once a month for dinner and margaritas.  So, I had my "I adopted a kitten" story all prepared and I was ready to bask in the glory and the adoration, when another mom said, "We got two kittens." Seriously, who does that?  Totally stole my glory.  But both of our glories were stolen by yet a third mom who told us that she'd bought her 27 year old step daughter a vibrator.

Third:  Nicki (the single, non-vibrating kitten) is doing really well. She's either the perfect kitten or she's doing some kind of method acting and being superperfect so as to lull us into a sense of security and then destroy us from within.  So, she may be an al Quaeda operative, is what I'm saying.  She doesn't meow in the middle of the night, she's litter trained and she is very "stuffed animal" in the sense that once you put her somewhere, she sort of stays there indefinitely.  Ok, so she may be lazy, too. The kids take turns having her sleep in their beds. Wednesday night was my son's turn:

Fourth:  I was looking at her certificate of spaying/neutering.  It says, "to the best of our knowledge, the above pet was spayed/neutered prior to admission due to a presence of an abdominal incision consistent with spay surgery or the absence of external genitalia." What does absence of external genitalia mean? Certainly they don't chop off the penis, do they? Haven't mommy bloggers explained that that's wrong?! Unless they mean the testicles. And even then I thought that they kept the Balzac.
But back to Nicki, yes, she has a scar on her tummy, but what if she had a tummy tuck or something, and here I am thinking she's all spayed and not refilling her birth control pills.  Although maybe she's a lesbian.  Here's hoping.

Fifth:  Do you read Fawty?  Because Belle is so funny every single day.  I love her.

Sixth:   Don't miss this gem of a Week in Review.


Scary Mommy, OHMommy, A Southern Fairy Tale and I are doing our first ever joint giveaway and it's a doozy! Check out the EZ to Read and Understand Rulz here!


Blogger Braja said...

I actually love your cat. unless you're lying to impress us and make up for the totally-being-overshadowed -by-one-upmanship-type-mom at the Margarita-fest by making us think pussy is perfect. If she is, as I said I'm in love. I still think she should be called Nicolas Tzar III. Or are we up to IV?

Thanks for the shoutout. Oh wait. There WASN'T ONE. Bitch.

February 5, 2009 at 12:22 AM  
Blogger anymommy said...

A kitten! On airplanes for a week and I miss your forever family day.

Is it a real kitten or a stuffed animal? Cause it sounds to good to be true.

February 5, 2009 at 12:42 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

I woke my husband up because I was laughing so damn hard.

We had Bun Bun Snow Sparkle neutered today. My daughter has been beside herself with worry all day. She wanted to visit him at the vet, bring him a treat and make sure he was OK. It also forced me into a conversation with my six year olds about the birds and the bees that I wasn't quite ready for.

I'm glad Nicki is doing so well and adjusting to life in the Rinka household.

February 5, 2009 at 1:32 AM  
Blogger Alex and Ashley said...

Okay this is this oddest comment I have ever left for anybody:

1) If I found out my ex-husband's new wife was giving my daughter sex toys, I would literally physically harm her (new wife). I don't care how old my daughter was or even if she asked for it to be bought, that is so stepping over the line.

2) They chop the cat's balls off. If you see an animal with a penis hanging down but no balls, it was "deballed". I am scared of big dogs with balls, they hump and I'm petite!

Yep, so that was kinda weird...

February 5, 2009 at 1:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know whether to laugh hysterically or be concerned, how in the world could they say "to the best of our knowledge?" that's one of those "oh that's nice..." sceneros I suppose, haha. And ITA, it sounds like its absence of external genitalia doesn't it?, I mean really what were they trying to get at here...Wouldn't it have been easier to put "Sorry but we don't know shit", at least its a straight honest answer, haha And your in NY right?, like wtf?! haha no pun intended.

February 5, 2009 at 1:43 AM  
Blogger Julia@SometimesLucid said...

I want to hear more about the gross mom who got her kids vibrators - ewwww!

February 5, 2009 at 2:24 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

Well you know what to do right? Buy ten neutered kittens and train them to ride stallions. Treat your mums to a neutered stallion-riding kitten fest and I guarantee that they will envy and you will sail on the winds of gloating glory.

February 5, 2009 at 3:02 AM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

OK, first of all, I hate cats. Really just don't like them one iota. But yours looks really freaking cute. I may have to reconsider.

Second of all, vibrators for step daughters? Kinda freaky, no? How the hell did she come up with that as a gift??

February 5, 2009 at 4:02 AM  
Blogger Kristina said...

wait....I'm still stuck on the buying vibrators part!

February 5, 2009 at 4:36 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

Never in my quest for buying someone the "perfect gift," has it occured to me to buy anyone a vibrator. I figure, if you need one, you should pick that out yourself. Kind of like a nice hat, it says something about you, needs to fit perfectly, and should enhance your character. So buy your hats and vibrators, and encourage others to do the same.

February 5, 2009 at 6:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just want to say that I was Belle's first...comment.

I'm quite proud and I love her.

A vibrator story? That's a pretty good conversation piece.

February 5, 2009 at 7:19 AM  
Blogger Tooj said...

Mommy magaritas sound so good. So what if you got topped by two kittens and a vibrator (which, by the way, is a very funny combination)? You got out of the house, without children, and had alcohol. Thumb's up to you.

February 5, 2009 at 7:32 AM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

You had me at Balzac.....

February 5, 2009 at 7:35 AM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

Oh, "method acting" and non-vibrating kitty...Marinka you are my fave hands down. (Great now I'll lose a few more followers)

February 5, 2009 at 7:43 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

Nicki, a skilled predator, has totally got you duped!

February 5, 2009 at 7:51 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

As a matter of fact, they DO remove the Balzac. Of course, that doesn't stop OUR idiot male freak of a cat from humping everyone in our family! Poor Nicki, sounds like she deserves something special... A vibrator, perhaps? Okay, must stop myself now before I take this way too far.

February 5, 2009 at 7:53 AM  
Blogger WackyGrandma said...

ok, you people are not right!! lmao

February 5, 2009 at 8:05 AM  
Blogger Christy said...

This was so freaking funny! I love your blog and your cat. So cute!

February 5, 2009 at 8:07 AM  

Geez...Isn't the 27 yr old step daughter old enough to buy her own vibrator? Weird.


February 5, 2009 at 8:54 AM  
Blogger WA said...

Aw---thanks for the shout out! Oh, should I say "shout out"? Or does that sound pathetic coming from a 40 year old white woman? Should I just say "mention" instead? "Plug"? "Hazzah"? "Hyperlink"?

Your cat's cute.

February 5, 2009 at 8:57 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Maybe they should do a pelvic ultrasound on the cat to make sure she is uterus-less.

I should have bought my MIL a vibrator for her 50th anniversary. Might have loosened her up a bit.

February 5, 2009 at 8:59 AM  
Blogger Qweenie said...

Yep they sure do take the Balzac, LOL!

The Kelly and Reese stuff cracks me hilarious is that!

February 5, 2009 at 9:02 AM  
Blogger Swistle said...

Wait, so you're saying you're NOT buying your cat a vibrator? Just because he/she has no externals? Mean, Marinka. Mean.

February 5, 2009 at 9:02 AM  
Blogger lizspin said...

Thanks for all the "pussy" laughs. . . be they cat or human!!!!

February 5, 2009 at 9:07 AM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

She's acting. They all are. That's exactly what cats do.

They act all patient and loving and don't scratch your kids when they drag them around the house like a stuffed animal. When the kids fall asleep, the cats climb on their faces and suffocate them. Just saying.

February 5, 2009 at 9:09 AM  
Blogger jill jill bo bill said...

No one ever bought ME a vibrator. I have been ripped off.

February 5, 2009 at 9:16 AM  
Anonymous Paula said...

I have two cats: a '94 buff tabby model and an '02 Siamese model. Both male, both "fixed," but apparently surgical practices have changed over the years. The buff tabby sacrificed his balls to the surgery. The Siamese still has his balls. I assume they are empty or otherwise disabled and I further assume they left them on to give him something to lick.

February 5, 2009 at 9:16 AM  
Blogger Tiffany @ Lattes And Life said...

So if your cat gets pregnant, you can sue the shelter/store/place you got her from for child support then, no? I mean, really. You'd think they look further into the matter before sending her out into the world.

February 5, 2009 at 9:24 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Really all I have to say is that I was laughing so hard reading your post this morning that I spit out my morning coffee. Really a class move.

February 5, 2009 at 9:26 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

Glad to see the kitty's face. It's just waiting for the right moment to attack Husbandrinka.

February 5, 2009 at 9:27 AM  
Anonymous aimee said...

Whenever my sister's cat gets mad at her he goes under her bed and takes a shit! Isn't that lovely?

February 5, 2009 at 9:29 AM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

Sounds like there were some lawyers involved there!
My friend the Crazy Cat Lady tells me those cats are just so happy to be out of the shelter that they will love you unconditionally forever. You know, in case you change your mind because they are "too loud" or "shed too much fur" (both reasons she had cats returned just last week).

February 5, 2009 at 9:29 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Perfect, eh?
That kitty's got other things planned for you! It's plotting to suck out your soul when your asleep. I saw it in a movie once.

February 5, 2009 at 9:40 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

To the best of our knowledge???
What's that about vibrators..?

February 5, 2009 at 9:53 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Thanks for mentioning me in the same breath as the spaying and the tummy tuck. I thought I asked you to keep that to yourself? Thanks. You're a real pal.

February 5, 2009 at 10:02 AM  
Blogger Amy - said...

Pretty kitty. Our "perfect" cat became a terror after about nine months. Yikes

February 5, 2009 at 10:08 AM  
Blogger Julie B. said...

I would have loved to see her stepdaughter's reaction!

February 5, 2009 at 10:10 AM  
Blogger Denise said...

I love the new baby!!! I’m sure the little meow will give you many years of unconditional love.

I just have to share a story about a cat named Louie. Louie the Lovebug (his initial name) was in the pound acting as though he loved my sister; so she adopted him. She had just lost her first meow meow and was heartbroken. For the first few weeks the Lovebug was wonderful. Then he turned on them! Long story short he is now on Prozac to control his aggressions. His only friend is the dog, he only plays with dog toys and is the first one of 6 animals to the door. His dossier goes with his behaviorist to seminars all over the country. And he only goes by Louie now! When medicated, Louie is a very loving meow. I can't tell you how lucky he was to have found my sister!!! I also pray my sister never dies before him because I inherit him! The reason being is that I'm the only person she trusts to not get rid of him and give him a good life and he can’t be separated from the dog (who is totally my baby). On a side note sis has 5 other awesome animals!!!

February 5, 2009 at 10:11 AM  
Blogger Tiaras & Tantrums said...

did she buy the fancy smancy vibs like the Housewives of Orange County??

February 5, 2009 at 10:20 AM  
Blogger jen said...

wow. you hung out with a one-upper.
last year on the first day of school, i was talking about how much i missed my new baby that i had 3 months earlier ... and the new girl says ... "oh i just had a baby 2 weeks ago."
one upped me ... but i take solace in the fact that i would have never left my two week old baby in someone else's hands everyday for a whole work day.
have you ever seen the one-upper sat. night live skit?

February 5, 2009 at 10:26 AM  
Blogger Mary Moore said...

Sticks and rocks my butt.

February 5, 2009 at 10:30 AM  
Anonymous abdpbt said...

OK, first I have to thank you for dropping by with the lime popsicle comment yesterday. Also, let me echo everyone who has said rocks and sticks? Riight.

Very funny post and great giveaway, too. Who one ups a kitten adoption?

February 5, 2009 at 10:34 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

She is looking very slim - I think it was a tummy tuck - just saying!

February 5, 2009 at 10:51 AM  
Anonymous Jane In Colorado said...

Wow I am too stuck on the whole vibrator, step daughter thing.........

I have 3 cats, Sasquatch, 7 toes on each paw, 25 lbs, my best buddy, 16 years old.

Midnight, came with my old farm house, great at killin the mice!

Tim, new addition, huge Tom cat with huge balls, showed up last winter. I never let him in, tried to ignore him, then last summer, jumped in my lap while I was on my patio! Damn it!!! He's in!

I also have a rooster, that lives in my mud room, he can't walk..... his name is Robert, Bob for short.

Along with that 9 hens, and another rooster, and 3 horses.

It's a petting zoo!

February 5, 2009 at 11:18 AM  
Anonymous Alecia said...

a vibrator for the stepdaughter? i can only see this happening if the stepmother married her bestfriends dad. cute cat. and you are freaking crazy, you remind me of me and my girlfriends.

February 5, 2009 at 11:21 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

I'm glad your cat doesn't vibrate. Because it is a well-known fact that cats like to sleep on small children's faces at night, and that would just be wrong if she also vibrated.

February 5, 2009 at 11:28 AM  
Blogger Simply AnonyMom said...

Ummm...I am still hung up on the thought of a mother buying her daughter a vibrator. I could not go there. My mom asked me the night before I married if I had any questions on how to perform sex and that was the whole and only sex talk I had. I was uncomfortable and would have died if my mom did that!!!

February 5, 2009 at 11:40 AM  
Blogger Meredith said...

The kitty is precious!!! And who buys their daughter a vibrator...I just could not go there. I'm all for open and honest but not going there!!!

February 5, 2009 at 11:48 AM  
Blogger Kelly said...

OMG, i just laughed through your entire post! thanks for brightening up my day!

February 5, 2009 at 12:09 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Vibrator talk over drinks in NYC - how very S&TC. Are you a Carrie or a Samantha?

February 5, 2009 at 12:25 PM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I think I would die on the spot if my mom (or step mom if I had one) bought me a vibrator.

February 5, 2009 at 12:53 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

Pick Me! Pick Me!

February 5, 2009 at 12:54 PM  
Blogger Trenches of Mommyhood said...

A pussyless pussy? (Sorry, couldn't help myself.)

February 5, 2009 at 1:01 PM  
Blogger Elisabeth said...

Cute picture!

February 5, 2009 at 1:13 PM  
Blogger Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

Have to say, my daughter loooves rocks and sticks. She tries to sneak them into the house. I tell her that they will be very lonely without their moms, dads and friends so they should really stay outside...then I throw them as far as possible. I still find rocks in her pockets, though.

February 5, 2009 at 1:48 PM  
Blogger JuneBug said...

it's a brave woman who buys a daughter a vibrator... and your cat is very cute. sway me to the dark side...

February 5, 2009 at 1:57 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

Cute kitten!

February 5, 2009 at 2:07 PM  
Blogger Avonlea said...

Ohhhhhhh...want kitten! want kitten!

February 5, 2009 at 2:15 PM  
Blogger Joy said...

I super-dee-duper loved this post. I don't even know where to begin. Every bit of it, and I swear I'm not sucking up, either. I don't do that kind of thing. ;o)

February 5, 2009 at 3:03 PM  
Blogger Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Good luck on the cat/lesbian thing. I am secretly hoping my stepdaughter is one so I don't have to worry about birth control for her either. Is that wrong???

February 5, 2009 at 3:13 PM  
Blogger Maura said...

Regis' hair -- if you find out, will you let me know what the hell is up with it? It confounds my mother and is a source of endless fascination FOR HER, and I'd love to put a stop to it.

I've decided not to get involved in all the uptight reactions to the vibrator purchase and just say THAT is the kind of friend I want!

The kitty is adorable and, who knows, maybe you lucked out and got one of the perfect ones. It happens and it couldn't happen to a more deserving person than you, Marinka. Even if it will give you less blog fodder than you might have anticipated. Somehow, I doubt that. ;-)

February 5, 2009 at 3:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Personally, I am bored with the Nikki stories. Can you please move on to stories involving vibrators AND kittens? Thanks.

February 5, 2009 at 3:24 PM  
Blogger Lana said...

"Nicki (the single, non-vibrating kitten)" ... you slay me!!

Please tell me you're kidding about the vibrator woman!!

February 5, 2009 at 3:36 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

jealous that you have a kitty. i think two is too many.

February 5, 2009 at 4:23 PM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

Barry Manilow is gay?

February 5, 2009 at 6:32 PM  
Blogger skiplovey said...

"We got two" - man you got trumped on that.

February 5, 2009 at 6:37 PM  
Blogger TMCPhoto said...

vibrators trump kittens every time.

I say prepare for next months get together with an "I bought my (insert close friend or favourite family member here like say Mother In Law or best friend from high school) a full bondage kit complete with a shiny pleather ball gag and a hot pink cat o' nine tails.

That should kick any wimp ass vibrator stories right in the, well I know it's a bit redundant but it has to be said: Ass.

February 5, 2009 at 7:05 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

I can't believe that you didn't adjust your story to "I adopted a 3 legged cat and her entire liter of premie kittens" ... ok. Was going way over the top with the 'beat the vibrator' story. I'll just stop now.

February 5, 2009 at 7:30 PM  
Blogger C and C Mommy said...

I want to win so bad!!

February 5, 2009 at 7:41 PM  
Blogger jon said...

did the other mom get suckered in that Petco policy of only selling kittens in twos?

February 5, 2009 at 7:45 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

cats in twos is a good idea--they keep each other busy and love on each other a lot.

however--twice the crap and pee in the box.

Just visiting from Scary Mommy.

Scott Wilson

February 5, 2009 at 7:51 PM  
Blogger Jannie Funster said...

No, I don't read FAWTY. I LIVE HER!!!

Sticks, stones and a fucking $9, 000,000 house - yeah.

February 5, 2009 at 10:28 PM  
Blogger SweetPeaSurry said...

I'm pretty sure I'm always going to love your cat-tales. Freakin' hilarious! (might be spayed/neutered? might be? really?)

February 5, 2009 at 10:44 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

i still can't figure out why you aren't calling her catinka.

February 5, 2009 at 11:17 PM  
Blogger Susan said...

To the best of their knowledge??? Sounds fishy to me.

February 5, 2009 at 11:28 PM  
Blogger Threeboys1mommy said...

I can't believe you were trumped by to kitties and a dildo!

February 6, 2009 at 12:20 AM  

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