Are You Thinking What I'm Thinking?
So, as you probably know, I'm in the midst of a giveaway right now, which means that things are a little different. For one, comments on each post close at midnight. And for another, I haven't felt comfortable running my "Resurrection" post this week. I'm hoping to get the courage to do that next week. Please pray for me.
Today is catch up day.
First: A while ago, I ranted and raved about how full of shit Kelly and Reese are for saying, in effect, that their kids play with sticks and rocks and how those are the best toys. I didn't buy it for a second. Well, friend John told me that he was watching Regis & Kelly recently and Teri Hatcher was on and she and Kelly were talking about how their daughters love to ride horses. So, I guess we have to add a fucking stallion to the list of "rocks" and "sticks" of playthings for Kelly's kids. Gotcha. (Oh yeah, side note: Does anyone know what's up with Regis' hair?)
Second: On Tuesday night, I went out with my regular group of "mom friends" from my kids' school. We get together once a month for dinner and margaritas. So, I had my "I adopted a kitten" story all prepared and I was ready to bask in the glory and the adoration, when another mom said, "We got two kittens." Seriously, who does that? Totally stole my glory. But both of our glories were stolen by yet a third mom who told us that she'd bought her 27 year old step daughter a vibrator.
Third: Nicki (the single, non-vibrating kitten) is doing really well. She's either the perfect kitten or she's doing some kind of method acting and being superperfect so as to lull us into a sense of security and then destroy us from within. So, she may be an al Quaeda operative, is what I'm saying. She doesn't meow in the middle of the night, she's litter trained and she is very "stuffed animal" in the sense that once you put her somewhere, she sort of stays there indefinitely. Ok, so she may be lazy, too. The kids take turns having her sleep in their beds. Wednesday night was my son's turn:
Fourth: I was looking at her certificate of spaying/neutering. It says, "to the best of our knowledge, the above pet was spayed/neutered prior to admission due to a presence of an abdominal incision consistent with spay surgery or the absence of external genitalia." What does absence of external genitalia mean? Certainly they don't chop off the penis, do they? Haven't mommy bloggers explained that that's wrong?! Unless they mean the testicles. And even then I thought that they kept the Balzac.
But back to Nicki, yes, she has a scar on her tummy, but what if she had a tummy tuck or something, and here I am thinking she's all spayed and not refilling her birth control pills. Although maybe she's a lesbian. Here's hoping.
But back to Nicki, yes, she has a scar on her tummy, but what if she had a tummy tuck or something, and here I am thinking she's all spayed and not refilling her birth control pills. Although maybe she's a lesbian. Here's hoping.
Fifth: Do you read Fawty? Because Belle is so funny every single day. I love her.
Sixth: Don't miss this gem of a Week in Review.
Reminder!
Scary Mommy, OHMommy, A Southern Fairy Tale and I are doing our first ever joint giveaway and it's a doozy! Check out the EZ to Read and Understand Rulz here!
76 Comments:
I actually love your cat. unless you're lying to impress us and make up for the totally-being-overshadowed -by-one-upmanship-type-mom at the Margarita-fest by making us think pussy is perfect. If she is, as I said I'm in love. I still think she should be called Nicolas Tzar III. Or are we up to IV?
Thanks for the shoutout. Oh wait. There WASN'T ONE. Bitch.
A kitten! On airplanes for a week and I miss your forever family day.
Is it a real kitten or a stuffed animal? Cause it sounds to good to be true.
I woke my husband up because I was laughing so damn hard.
We had Bun Bun Snow Sparkle neutered today. My daughter has been beside herself with worry all day. She wanted to visit him at the vet, bring him a treat and make sure he was OK. It also forced me into a conversation with my six year olds about the birds and the bees that I wasn't quite ready for.
I'm glad Nicki is doing so well and adjusting to life in the Rinka household.
Okay this is this oddest comment I have ever left for anybody:
1) If I found out my ex-husband's new wife was giving my daughter sex toys, I would literally physically harm her (new wife). I don't care how old my daughter was or even if she asked for it to be bought, that is so stepping over the line.
2) They chop the cat's balls off. If you see an animal with a penis hanging down but no balls, it was "deballed". I am scared of big dogs with balls, they hump and I'm petite!
Yep, so that was kinda weird...
I don't know whether to laugh hysterically or be concerned, how in the world could they say "to the best of our knowledge?" that's one of those "oh that's nice..." sceneros I suppose, haha. And ITA, it sounds like its absence of external genitalia doesn't it?, I mean really what were they trying to get at here...Wouldn't it have been easier to put "Sorry but we don't know shit", at least its a straight honest answer, haha And your in NY right?, like wtf?! haha no pun intended.
I want to hear more about the gross mom who got her kids vibrators - ewwww!
Well you know what to do right? Buy ten neutered kittens and train them to ride stallions. Treat your mums to a neutered stallion-riding kitten fest and I guarantee that they will envy and you will sail on the winds of gloating glory.
OK, first of all, I hate cats. Really just don't like them one iota. But yours looks really freaking cute. I may have to reconsider.
Second of all, vibrators for step daughters? Kinda freaky, no? How the hell did she come up with that as a gift??
wait....I'm still stuck on the buying vibrators part!
Never in my quest for buying someone the "perfect gift," has it occured to me to buy anyone a vibrator. I figure, if you need one, you should pick that out yourself. Kind of like a nice hat, it says something about you, needs to fit perfectly, and should enhance your character. So buy your hats and vibrators, and encourage others to do the same.
I just want to say that I was Belle's first...comment.
I'm quite proud and I love her.
A vibrator story? That's a pretty good conversation piece.
Mommy magaritas sound so good. So what if you got topped by two kittens and a vibrator (which, by the way, is a very funny combination)? You got out of the house, without children, and had alcohol. Thumb's up to you.
You had me at Balzac.....
LOL
Oh, "method acting" and non-vibrating kitty...Marinka you are my fave hands down. (Great now I'll lose a few more followers)
Nicki, a skilled predator, has totally got you duped!
As a matter of fact, they DO remove the Balzac. Of course, that doesn't stop OUR idiot male freak of a cat from humping everyone in our family! Poor Nicki, sounds like she deserves something special... A vibrator, perhaps? Okay, must stop myself now before I take this way too far.
ok, you people are not right!! lmao
This was so freaking funny! I love your blog and your cat. So cute!
Geez...Isn't the 27 yr old step daughter old enough to buy her own vibrator? Weird.
Coco
Aw---thanks for the shout out! Oh, should I say "shout out"? Or does that sound pathetic coming from a 40 year old white woman? Should I just say "mention" instead? "Plug"? "Hazzah"? "Hyperlink"?
Your cat's cute.
Maybe they should do a pelvic ultrasound on the cat to make sure she is uterus-less.
I should have bought my MIL a vibrator for her 50th anniversary. Might have loosened her up a bit.
Yep they sure do take the Balzac, LOL!
The Kelly and Reese stuff cracks me up...how hilarious is that!
Wait, so you're saying you're NOT buying your cat a vibrator? Just because he/she has no externals? Mean, Marinka. Mean.
Thanks for all the "pussy" laughs. . . be they cat or human!!!!
She's acting. They all are. That's exactly what cats do.
They act all patient and loving and don't scratch your kids when they drag them around the house like a stuffed animal. When the kids fall asleep, the cats climb on their faces and suffocate them. Just saying.
No one ever bought ME a vibrator. I have been ripped off.
I have two cats: a '94 buff tabby model and an '02 Siamese model. Both male, both "fixed," but apparently surgical practices have changed over the years. The buff tabby sacrificed his balls to the surgery. The Siamese still has his balls. I assume they are empty or otherwise disabled and I further assume they left them on to give him something to lick.
So if your cat gets pregnant, you can sue the shelter/store/place you got her from for child support then, no? I mean, really. You'd think they look further into the matter before sending her out into the world.
Really all I have to say is that I was laughing so hard reading your post this morning that I spit out my morning coffee. Really a class move.
Glad to see the kitty's face. It's just waiting for the right moment to attack Husbandrinka.
Whenever my sister's cat gets mad at her he goes under her bed and takes a shit! Isn't that lovely?
Sounds like there were some lawyers involved there!
My friend the Crazy Cat Lady tells me those cats are just so happy to be out of the shelter that they will love you unconditionally forever. You know, in case you change your mind because they are "too loud" or "shed too much fur" (both reasons she had cats returned just last week).
Perfect, eh?
That kitty's got other things planned for you! It's plotting to suck out your soul when your asleep. I saw it in a movie once.
To the best of our knowledge???
What's that about vibrators..?
Thanks for mentioning me in the same breath as the spaying and the tummy tuck. I thought I asked you to keep that to yourself? Thanks. You're a real pal.
Pretty kitty. Our "perfect" cat became a terror after about nine months. Yikes
I would have loved to see her stepdaughter's reaction!
I love the new baby!!! I’m sure the little meow will give you many years of unconditional love.
I just have to share a story about a cat named Louie. Louie the Lovebug (his initial name) was in the pound acting as though he loved my sister; so she adopted him. She had just lost her first meow meow and was heartbroken. For the first few weeks the Lovebug was wonderful. Then he turned on them! Long story short he is now on Prozac to control his aggressions. His only friend is the dog, he only plays with dog toys and is the first one of 6 animals to the door. His dossier goes with his behaviorist to seminars all over the country. And he only goes by Louie now! When medicated, Louie is a very loving meow. I can't tell you how lucky he was to have found my sister!!! I also pray my sister never dies before him because I inherit him! The reason being is that I'm the only person she trusts to not get rid of him and give him a good life and he can’t be separated from the dog (who is totally my baby). On a side note sis has 5 other awesome animals!!!
did she buy the fancy smancy vibs like the Housewives of Orange County??
wow. you hung out with a one-upper.
last year on the first day of school, i was talking about how much i missed my new baby that i had 3 months earlier ... and the new girl says ... "oh i just had a baby 2 weeks ago."
one upped me ... but i take solace in the fact that i would have never left my two week old baby in someone else's hands everyday for a whole work day.
have you ever seen the one-upper sat. night live skit?
Sticks and rocks my butt.
OK, first I have to thank you for dropping by with the lime popsicle comment yesterday. Also, let me echo everyone who has said rocks and sticks? Riight.
Very funny post and great giveaway, too. Who one ups a kitten adoption?
She is looking very slim - I think it was a tummy tuck - just saying!
Wow I am too stuck on the whole vibrator, step daughter thing.........
I have 3 cats, Sasquatch, 7 toes on each paw, 25 lbs, my best buddy, 16 years old.
Midnight, came with my old farm house, great at killin the mice!
Tim, new addition, huge Tom cat with huge balls, showed up last winter. I never let him in, tried to ignore him, then last summer, jumped in my lap while I was on my patio! Damn it!!! He's in!
I also have a rooster, that lives in my mud room, he can't walk..... his name is Robert, Bob for short.
Along with that 9 hens, and another rooster, and 3 horses.
It's a petting zoo!
a vibrator for the stepdaughter? i can only see this happening if the stepmother married her bestfriends dad. cute cat. and you are freaking crazy, you remind me of me and my girlfriends.
I'm glad your cat doesn't vibrate. Because it is a well-known fact that cats like to sleep on small children's faces at night, and that would just be wrong if she also vibrated.
Ummm...I am still hung up on the thought of a mother buying her daughter a vibrator. I could not go there. My mom asked me the night before I married if I had any questions on how to perform sex and that was the whole and only sex talk I had. I was uncomfortable and would have died if my mom did that!!!
The kitty is precious!!! And who buys their daughter a vibrator...I just could not go there. I'm all for open and honest but not going there!!!
OMG, i just laughed through your entire post! thanks for brightening up my day!
Vibrator talk over drinks in NYC - how very S&TC. Are you a Carrie or a Samantha?
I think I would die on the spot if my mom (or step mom if I had one) bought me a vibrator.
Pick Me! Pick Me!
A pussyless pussy? (Sorry, couldn't help myself.)
Cute picture!
Have to say, my daughter loooves rocks and sticks. She tries to sneak them into the house. I tell her that they will be very lonely without their moms, dads and friends so they should really stay outside...then I throw them as far as possible. I still find rocks in her pockets, though.
it's a brave woman who buys a daughter a vibrator... and your cat is very cute. sway me to the dark side...
Cute kitten!
Ohhhhhhh...want kitten! want kitten!
I super-dee-duper loved this post. I don't even know where to begin. Every bit of it, and I swear I'm not sucking up, either. I don't do that kind of thing. ;o)
Good luck on the cat/lesbian thing. I am secretly hoping my stepdaughter is one so I don't have to worry about birth control for her either. Is that wrong???
Regis' hair -- if you find out, will you let me know what the hell is up with it? It confounds my mother and is a source of endless fascination FOR HER, and I'd love to put a stop to it.
I've decided not to get involved in all the uptight reactions to the vibrator purchase and just say THAT is the kind of friend I want!
The kitty is adorable and, who knows, maybe you lucked out and got one of the perfect ones. It happens and it couldn't happen to a more deserving person than you, Marinka. Even if it will give you less blog fodder than you might have anticipated. Somehow, I doubt that. ;-)
Personally, I am bored with the Nikki stories. Can you please move on to stories involving vibrators AND kittens? Thanks.
"Nicki (the single, non-vibrating kitten)" ... you slay me!!
Please tell me you're kidding about the vibrator woman!!
jealous that you have a kitty. i think two is too many.
Barry Manilow is gay?
"We got two" - man you got trumped on that.
vibrators trump kittens every time.
I say prepare for next months get together with an "I bought my (insert close friend or favourite family member here like say Mother In Law or best friend from high school) a full bondage kit complete with a shiny pleather ball gag and a hot pink cat o' nine tails.
That should kick any wimp ass vibrator stories right in the, well I know it's a bit redundant but it has to be said: Ass.
I can't believe that you didn't adjust your story to "I adopted a 3 legged cat and her entire liter of premie kittens" ... ok. Was going way over the top with the 'beat the vibrator' story. I'll just stop now.
I want to win so bad!!
did the other mom get suckered in that Petco policy of only selling kittens in twos?
cats in twos is a good idea--they keep each other busy and love on each other a lot.
however--twice the crap and pee in the box.
Just visiting from Scary Mommy.
Scott Wilson
No, I don't read FAWTY. I LIVE HER!!!
Sticks, stones and a fucking $9, 000,000 house - yeah.
I'm pretty sure I'm always going to love your cat-tales. Freakin' hilarious! (might be spayed/neutered? might be? really?)
i still can't figure out why you aren't calling her catinka.
To the best of their knowledge??? Sounds fishy to me.
I can't believe you were trumped by to kitties and a dildo!
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