Monday, February 16, 2009

Mortification Monday

So I came up with this idea to do a weekly Mortification Monday post where I take a look at my life and share some mortifying tidbits (like the fact that when I just typed this sentence I wrote "mortificaying tidbits").

I'm not sure how many Mondays this series will run, but just remember that although I have the body of a 20 year old (in my freezer) I am almost 42 years old. That's a lot of mortification over the years.

In the mid-1980s, when I was in high school, Howard Stern's radio show was on in the afternoons. I loved it and considered the fact that I listened to it to be the epitome of sophistication.  I don't know if Howard did this in his later shows, but at the time he hosted a Dial-a-Date show and one day he announced that for that week, he was going to give away a date with a nymphomaniac--a woman who was addicted to sex, and he invited female listeners who fit the description to call in.

I was all over it.

My friend Sandy was over and I told her to keep listening to the radio in my room, while I went to call Howard from my parents room.  Hello, this was before cell phones and cordless phones. I'm not sure what I was thinking--I was a virgin, after all, but I was pretty sure that I could lie my way into convincing Howard's people that I was a nympho.  I got through after a few tries.
I answered all the preliminary questions--I said that my name was Marilyn, that I was 20, that I was a student at Barnard and that I was a nymphomaniac.  "Are you getting treated for that?" the producer asked. Sandy later told me that everyone who called before me had a angst-ridden tale of psychiatric intervention and teary agony, so when I chirped, "treated for what? Oh, the nymphomania? Not at all, I love it!" I must have sounded extra-insane.

And that's when Howard said, "she sounds good, let me talk to her on the air."
Wouldn't it be great if I remembered what we'd talked about?  The only thing that I know for sure is that he asked me how many men I'd been with and I said "It's hard to remember everyone, Howard.  At least three."  (side note:  Children, this is why you shouldn't lie.  Not because it's morally wrong, but because you sound like a fucking moron.)

Sadly, and shockingly, I didn't get picked to be that week's Dial-a-Date.  Mortifyingly, however, everyone at my school heard me on the air and recognized my harpie-voice.  I was SuddenlyPopular.  SuperMortifyingly, so did my father.  "I had no idea that you were a nymphomaniac!" he told me.  Seriously, if you've never had a conversation with your father that started like that, I can't recommend it enough.



Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

You'll always be a Dial-a-Date winner in my eyes.

And I'm pretty sure I'd never get over a conversation like that with my father.

February 16, 2009 at 12:20 AM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

... like Jessica Simpson's dad, where he said her boobs were so big you can't control those puppies.

February 16, 2009 at 12:44 AM  
Blogger jill jill bo bill said...

OMG! And I thought that falling up the stairs in HS was bad. You win.

February 16, 2009 at 12:48 AM  
Blogger Joanie said...

I'm pretty sure I'd never have that kind of conversation with my Dad. I'd be too busy picking plaster out of my hair from being thrown through the wall!

I did, however, have a conversation with my then 19 year old daughter that started with, "your dad and I were talking and were wondering if maybe it was time for you to be on birth control." Talk about deer in the headlights look!

February 16, 2009 at 1:14 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

And what did we learn today children? We learned that lying on air and getting heard by people that know you makes great blog material and should be condoned at all costs...

February 16, 2009 at 2:19 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

Sister, you are seriously twisted! But you make me laugh when I think there are no laughs left.

I'm thinking you should trademark SuperMortifyingly. After all, AT LEAST THREE other people may use it!

Hell, trademark the whole damn post.

February 16, 2009 at 2:26 AM  
Blogger StatMama said...

Oh my GOD that was awesome. I have to give you credit, because if I'd had a similar conversation with my own father, I'm certain I'd still be in therapy lol

I do something like this on Mondays over at my blog. It's called Not Me! Monday. I didn't create it, but I do find it cathartic enough to participate each week.

February 16, 2009 at 3:51 AM  
Blogger Christine said...

No, I think my father would have died if he'd heard me saying that on the radio. The most awkward conversation he's ever had with me started with "you're not into that french kissing thing, are you?

February 16, 2009 at 4:24 AM  
Blogger Braja said...

I see. Always living on the edge, huh? 3 men?


February 16, 2009 at 6:41 AM  
Blogger The Panic Room said...

I love that a radio DJ was exploiting a sexual illness in the late 80's that's just good radio.

February 16, 2009 at 7:06 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

I always knew you were a trollop!

February 16, 2009 at 7:06 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

oh sweet jesus- that was hysterical!!

three? THREE???? hahaha.

February 16, 2009 at 7:20 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

As if the bad hair of the 80's was not enough. Oh you poor thing.

February 16, 2009 at 8:07 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

This is just too much. Three!

February 16, 2009 at 8:07 AM  
Anonymous Coco said...

Just goes to show you how teenagers brains do not function properly...


February 16, 2009 at 9:18 AM  
Blogger Smores for Breakfast said...


You must have been a serious nympho with having been with 3 people. I love it! Although I'd be mortified if my father recognized my voice! oy!

I can't wait for next monday!

February 16, 2009 at 9:21 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

Three? Seriously? That was the best you could do? I went to high school with a girl who topped 100 during her senior year. Talk about popular....

February 16, 2009 at 9:22 AM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

So your ability to lie is not just a product of this blog, but runs deep within your veins, huh?

February 16, 2009 at 9:26 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

"at least 3" bwahahahahaaaaa that's good stuff there, Marinka ;-) LOL

February 16, 2009 at 9:31 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I'm not going to be able to participate in Mortification have just won. Hands down.

February 16, 2009 at 9:37 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

Maybe you should have said it was always three at the same time.

February 16, 2009 at 9:58 AM  
Blogger Jess said...

Awesome story, I wonder if I heard you LOL

February 16, 2009 at 10:13 AM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Hey, you could do some serious damage with 3. You should have said "at the same time"!

February 16, 2009 at 10:36 AM  
Blogger Tooj said...

3 was a great answer. LOL

February 16, 2009 at 11:05 AM  
Blogger lizspin said...

And now we have to pay to hear Howard interview other lying teenage nymphomaniacs. . . go figure!

February 16, 2009 at 11:24 AM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

You've been a hoot for a long time. I'm with Stoneskin - you were just mining for the blog - no harm no foul.

February 16, 2009 at 11:28 AM  
Blogger Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

I am pretty sure my dad would have exploded... and I don't mean with rage. I mean actually exploded into little bits. To this day, I think he thinks my two children were divine intervention, and I am ok with that.

February 16, 2009 at 11:37 AM  
Anonymous denise said...

Awesome! If you can't make fun of yourself then you are too serious!!!

February 16, 2009 at 12:08 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

There is no way I would be having that conversation with my dad.

February 16, 2009 at 12:29 PM  
Blogger Charmaine said...

What is funnier is that you "found it hard to remember" all THREE.

February 16, 2009 at 12:30 PM  
Blogger Threeboys1mommy said...

Your poor father. This reminds me of when I was 19 and thought I could totally buy my own house-

Real Estate Agent- Are you a 1st time home buyer?

Me- Yes.

REA- I see, and how much can you put towards a down payment?

Me- Oh I have like $350 in savings.


February 16, 2009 at 12:43 PM  
Blogger Andy said...

Three? You went with three? Not 300? 3,000? Three? Lindsay Lohan does that many dudes on her way from the bathroom.

February 16, 2009 at 12:54 PM  
Blogger Julie B. said...

LMAO, that is hilarious! I needed a good laugh today. Thanks :)

February 16, 2009 at 1:25 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

This was one to show my husband! Great story.

February 16, 2009 at 2:03 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

LOL that is freaking hilarious! 3 LOL.

February 16, 2009 at 2:17 PM  
Blogger Pink in a sea of blue said...

I wasn't that clever in HS. I'm impressed you got on air and your dad listening cracked me up. I'm loving this series. Can't wait for next week.

February 16, 2009 at 2:52 PM  
Blogger K.Line said...

Honestly, this is one for the books. HILARIOUS. Scary hilarious. And the body of the 20 year old in the freezer made me snort-laugh.

February 16, 2009 at 2:53 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Was that 3 at one time? LOL!


February 16, 2009 at 3:07 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

I hurt a rib laughing at that one :)

That radio show must be the one he did right after he got fired here in Detroit. He started here, locally. Figures.

February 16, 2009 at 3:33 PM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

Oh goodness.

That IS pretty mortifying.

February 16, 2009 at 3:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. Definately mortifying. Kind of totally really funny though.

February 16, 2009 at 4:43 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

After reading this, I think there's a pretty decent chance that I am an actual nymphomaniac!

February 16, 2009 at 6:01 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

What some girls did to be popular in the 80's...

February 16, 2009 at 6:42 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

That. Is. Awesome.

I love that you did that, I don't think it is mortifying, I think it is ballsy and super cool!

But I am a big nerd, so I guess that doesn't mean much...

February 16, 2009 at 9:27 PM  
Blogger Anna Lefler said...

Oh, man.

I didn't think you could get any cooler.

I hope you highlighted your nympho status when you ordered your BlogHer name badge.

~ Anna

February 16, 2009 at 9:56 PM  
Blogger ella said...

I totally want to play!
You could make a button for the bloggers...
I have an infinite amount of material.

So, I'm sure others have pointed you here, but it's wortha peek:

Books and performances by people reading from their teenage journals. Classic.
I totally wanted to auditon.

February 16, 2009 at 10:32 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

Eeeek! That's some serious mortification there. Can't wait to hear more.

February 16, 2009 at 11:43 PM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I think a conversation that started like that with MY father would've been a death by mortification for me. I am cringing (visibly) just thinking about it!

February 17, 2009 at 8:51 AM  
Blogger bernthis said...

and I thought the day my dad caught me with a cigarette was bad

February 17, 2009 at 11:45 AM  
Blogger Janet said...

Oh. My. GOD.

That is all.

February 17, 2009 at 2:31 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Daddy's little girl. Very sweet.

February 17, 2009 at 6:07 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Now THAT is a conversation I am glad I never had to have with my father. But I will say that might be the best punchline to a post I ever read.

February 17, 2009 at 9:03 PM  
Blogger iMommy said...

If my father approached me with that question I would just die.

February 22, 2009 at 8:50 AM  
Blogger Ryan Ashley Scott said...

Aaahh! That's mortificaying, for sure. :) And hilarious - 3! Love those father/daugher moments... just priceless.

February 26, 2009 at 8:22 PM  
Anonymous Robyn - Who's the Boss? said...

This reminds me of the time when I was 15 and talking to a boy a I liked at school. I thought I was being all cool when I asked the boy what color was his underwear... my dad ran into the room and shouted "YOU NEVER ASK A BOY THE COLOR OF HIS PANTIES."

Panties? Seriously, Dad? What guy wears panties?

April 27, 2009 at 8:24 PM  
Anonymous Erica said...

Great story. "At least three" is the best part. And your Dad? unbelievable.

April 28, 2009 at 12:29 AM  

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