Mortification Monday
So I came up with this idea to do a weekly Mortification Monday post where I take a look at my life and share some mortifying tidbits (like the fact that when I just typed this sentence I wrote "mortificaying tidbits").
I'm not sure how many Mondays this series will run, but just remember that although I have the body of a 20 year old (in my freezer) I am almost 42 years old. That's a lot of mortification over the years.
I'm not sure how many Mondays this series will run, but just remember that although I have the body of a 20 year old (in my freezer) I am almost 42 years old. That's a lot of mortification over the years.
In the mid-1980s, when I was in high school, Howard Stern's radio show was on in the afternoons. I loved it and considered the fact that I listened to it to be the epitome of sophistication. I don't know if Howard did this in his later shows, but at the time he hosted a Dial-a-Date show and one day he announced that for that week, he was going to give away a date with a nymphomaniac--a woman who was addicted to sex, and he invited female listeners who fit the description to call in.
I was all over it.
My friend Sandy was over and I told her to keep listening to the radio in my room, while I went to call Howard from my parents room. Hello, this was before cell phones and cordless phones. I'm not sure what I was thinking--I was a virgin, after all, but I was pretty sure that I could lie my way into convincing Howard's people that I was a nympho. I got through after a few tries.
I answered all the preliminary questions--I said that my name was Marilyn, that I was 20, that I was a student at Barnard and that I was a nymphomaniac. "Are you getting treated for that?" the producer asked. Sandy later told me that everyone who called before me had a angst-ridden tale of psychiatric intervention and teary agony, so when I chirped, "treated for what? Oh, the nymphomania? Not at all, I love it!" I must have sounded extra-insane.
And that's when Howard said, "she sounds good, let me talk to her on the air."
Wouldn't it be great if I remembered what we'd talked about? The only thing that I know for sure is that he asked me how many men I'd been with and I said "It's hard to remember everyone, Howard. At least three." (side note: Children, this is why you shouldn't lie. Not because it's morally wrong, but because you sound like a fucking moron.)
Sadly, and shockingly, I didn't get picked to be that week's Dial-a-Date. Mortifyingly, however, everyone at my school heard me on the air and recognized my harpie-voice. I was SuddenlyPopular. SuperMortifyingly, so did my father. "I had no idea that you were a nymphomaniac!" he told me. Seriously, if you've never had a conversation with your father that started like that, I can't recommend it enough.
Labels: Everyone is insane
56 Comments:
You'll always be a Dial-a-Date winner in my eyes.
And I'm pretty sure I'd never get over a conversation like that with my father.
... like Jessica Simpson's dad, where he said her boobs were so big you can't control those puppies.
:0
....
OMG! And I thought that falling up the stairs in HS was bad. You win.
I'm pretty sure I'd never have that kind of conversation with my Dad. I'd be too busy picking plaster out of my hair from being thrown through the wall!
I did, however, have a conversation with my then 19 year old daughter that started with, "your dad and I were talking and were wondering if maybe it was time for you to be on birth control." Talk about deer in the headlights look!
And what did we learn today children? We learned that lying on air and getting heard by people that know you makes great blog material and should be condoned at all costs...
Sister, you are seriously twisted! But you make me laugh when I think there are no laughs left.
I'm thinking you should trademark SuperMortifyingly. After all, AT LEAST THREE other people may use it!
Hell, trademark the whole damn post.
Oh my GOD that was awesome. I have to give you credit, because if I'd had a similar conversation with my own father, I'm certain I'd still be in therapy lol
I do something like this on Mondays over at my blog. It's called Not Me! Monday. I didn't create it, but I do find it cathartic enough to participate each week.
No, I think my father would have died if he'd heard me saying that on the radio. The most awkward conversation he's ever had with me started with "you're not into that french kissing thing, are you?
I see. Always living on the edge, huh? 3 men?
Jesus.
I love that a radio DJ was exploiting a sexual illness in the late 80's that's just good radio.
I always knew you were a trollop!
oh sweet jesus- that was hysterical!!
three? THREE???? hahaha.
As if the bad hair of the 80's was not enough. Oh you poor thing.
This is just too much. Three!
Just goes to show you how teenagers brains do not function properly...
Coco
HA!
You must have been a serious nympho with having been with 3 people. I love it! Although I'd be mortified if my father recognized my voice! oy!
I can't wait for next monday!
Three? Seriously? That was the best you could do? I went to high school with a girl who topped 100 during her senior year. Talk about popular....
So your ability to lie is not just a product of this blog, but runs deep within your veins, huh?
"at least 3" bwahahahahaaaaa that's good stuff there, Marinka ;-) LOL
I'm not going to be able to participate in Mortification monday...you have just won. Hands down.
Maybe you should have said it was always three at the same time.
Awesome story, I wonder if I heard you LOL
Hey, you could do some serious damage with 3. You should have said "at the same time"!
3 was a great answer. LOL
And now we have to pay to hear Howard interview other lying teenage nymphomaniacs. . . go figure!
You've been a hoot for a long time. I'm with Stoneskin - you were just mining for the blog - no harm no foul.
I am pretty sure my dad would have exploded... and I don't mean with rage. I mean actually exploded into little bits. To this day, I think he thinks my two children were divine intervention, and I am ok with that.
Awesome! If you can't make fun of yourself then you are too serious!!!
There is no way I would be having that conversation with my dad.
What is funnier is that you "found it hard to remember" all THREE.
Your poor father. This reminds me of when I was 19 and thought I could totally buy my own house-
Real Estate Agent- Are you a 1st time home buyer?
Me- Yes.
REA- I see, and how much can you put towards a down payment?
Me- Oh I have like $350 in savings.
REA-CLICK!
Three? You went with three? Not 300? 3,000? Three? Lindsay Lohan does that many dudes on her way from the bathroom.
LMAO, that is hilarious! I needed a good laugh today. Thanks :)
This was one to show my husband! Great story.
LOL that is freaking hilarious! 3 LOL.
I wasn't that clever in HS. I'm impressed you got on air and your dad listening cracked me up. I'm loving this series. Can't wait for next week.
Honestly, this is one for the books. HILARIOUS. Scary hilarious. And the body of the 20 year old in the freezer made me snort-laugh.
Three?!
Was that 3 at one time? LOL!
Hilarious!
I hurt a rib laughing at that one :)
That radio show must be the one he did right after he got fired here in Detroit. He started here, locally. Figures.
Oh goodness.
That IS pretty mortifying.
Wow. Definately mortifying. Kind of totally really funny though.
After reading this, I think there's a pretty decent chance that I am an actual nymphomaniac!
What some girls did to be popular in the 80's...
That. Is. Awesome.
I love that you did that, I don't think it is mortifying, I think it is ballsy and super cool!
But I am a big nerd, so I guess that doesn't mean much...
Oh, man.
I didn't think you could get any cooler.
I hope you highlighted your nympho status when you ordered your BlogHer name badge.
~ Anna
I totally want to play!
You could make a button for the bloggers...
I have an infinite amount of material.
So, I'm sure others have pointed you here, but it's wortha peek: http://www.getmortified.com/
Books and performances by people reading from their teenage journals. Classic.
I totally wanted to auditon.
Eeeek! That's some serious mortification there. Can't wait to hear more.
I think a conversation that started like that with MY father would've been a death by mortification for me. I am cringing (visibly) just thinking about it!
and I thought the day my dad caught me with a cigarette was bad
Oh. My. GOD.
That is all.
Daddy's little girl. Very sweet.
Now THAT is a conversation I am glad I never had to have with my father. But I will say that might be the best punchline to a post I ever read.
oh.my.god.
If my father approached me with that question I would just die.
Aaahh! That's mortificaying, for sure. :) And hilarious - 3! Love those father/daugher moments... just priceless.
This reminds me of the time when I was 15 and talking to a boy a I liked at school. I thought I was being all cool when I asked the boy what color was his underwear... my dad ran into the room and shouted "YOU NEVER ASK A BOY THE COLOR OF HIS PANTIES."
Panties? Seriously, Dad? What guy wears panties?
Great story. "At least three" is the best part. And your Dad? unbelievable.
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