Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Just Because I'm a Hypochondriac, Doesn't Mean I'm Not Dying

UPDATED: Just so that you know that I'm not the insane one in the relationship, Husbandrinka asked me if Nicki was "ok" because the stripe on her back "looked sort of weird." WTF? She's a tabby!

Over the weekend, our new "kitten" Nicki sneezed many times. I overheard my daughter asking her if she was allergic to young ladrinka. When the kids went to bed, I googled "cats sneezing" and like with any symptom that you can ever google, I learned that it's either nothing or a certain death.

I shared this news with Husbandrinka and he said, "Great, so not only do I have to deal with your thinking that you have every disease under the sun, now Nicki does too?"
See how he totally made that all about him? If there is one thing that I can't stand, it's self-centered people. And the other thing is people who use expressions like "everything under the sun". Yes, this is how we gear up for Valentine's Day around here, why do you ask?

"I am very proactive where my health is concerned," I advised him.
He didn't answer. There's a slight chance that he suspects that I am a hypochondriac, just because in the last eighteen months I'd diagnosed myself with a brain tumor, a mini stroke, a regular size stroke, testicular cancer (did you know that you needed testicles for that shit? You've come a long way baby, my ass), oh yeah, colon cancer, MS, heart disease, all sorts of breast issues, ovarian cancer, free floating cancer, pancreatic cancer, stage 4 and what I'd assumed was diabetic shock but turned out to be a perfectly normal reaction to seeing recent photos of Janet Jackson.

Most of these required a visit to a specialist until a neurologist whose waiting room was filled with patients aged approximately dead, suggested that I take something for my "anxiety condition". Is this treating me like a true "partner in health"? Unless he thinks I have neurological insanity? Must make follow up appointment. With Nicki. Because no cat is going to sneeze on my watch.


Blogger Joan Novark said...

ROTFL! My cat sneezes all the time too. I think he's allergic to my husband.

Hey, I"m the first to comment!

February 10, 2009 at 12:46 AM  
Blogger Jay said...

I'm dyslexic, so when I read that you were very "provocative with your health" I was like - whoa!
In comparison, proactive seems kind of tame, doesn't it?

February 10, 2009 at 12:56 AM  
Blogger bernthis said...

My ex once gave me a book on medical conditions. By three a.m. the next morning I had all of them.

February 10, 2009 at 12:59 AM  
Blogger Braja said...

Are you OK Marinka? Cos you've been looking a little peaky...

February 10, 2009 at 1:12 AM  
Blogger momcat said...

Sounds like kitty could have picked up snuffles (cat cold) which normally manifests as runny sometimes pink and slightly inflamed eye/s and the sneezing. I uusually have Synulox in my cabinet which is kind of a general purpose antibiotic although I dont know what you guys will have available over there. Its not life threatening.

February 10, 2009 at 1:50 AM  
Blogger momcat said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

February 10, 2009 at 1:50 AM  
Blogger momcat said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

February 10, 2009 at 1:50 AM  
Blogger StatMama said...

My bet would be that kitty has an upper respiratory thing going on. It's really common, almost a guarantee, with shelter animals. Usually the vet will give an antibiotic for a few days (which you administer with a baby dropper) and kitty recovers quickly. Could also be the extremely dry winter air. I doubt it's feline nasal cancer or severe allergies to your children lol

February 10, 2009 at 2:30 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

I'm exactly the same, the slightest ache and I think I must be riddled with some terrible disease. But Janet Jackson does have that affect.

February 10, 2009 at 3:42 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

In light of your new comment manifesto, I have decided to refrain from making my usual insightful observations.
Let's just say that Groucho has not recovered from the last vet's bill.

February 10, 2009 at 6:06 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

Didn't I always say you had balls? DIDN'T I????

February 10, 2009 at 6:17 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

Doesn't husbandrinka know that - just because you're not sick it doesn't mean you're healthy. Men. Hmmmmmf.

February 10, 2009 at 6:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I take the exact opposite approach. I refuse to go to the doctor ever because I don't want to caught anything from the OTHER patients. If they didn't hold my birth control pill hostage I wouldn't step through the door willingly EVER.

February 10, 2009 at 7:38 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

The internet was made for those of us clever enough to research.
The only reason hyochondriac gets used so much now is that the doctor's are jealous that we figured it all out ourselves and they don't get so much of our money!

February 10, 2009 at 8:03 AM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

Good news, you cat is pregnant.

xoxo, SG

February 10, 2009 at 8:09 AM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

Equal CANCER for Equal GONADS!

February 10, 2009 at 8:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have thought so long about this; I have decided to return to school and pioneer a whole new era of pet health:

Pet Shrinks.

I will be Dr.FeelGood and dose all kinds of anti anxiety, social disorder, tranquilizers and the such pills. Just for animals.

I know, I think I am brilliant also.

February 10, 2009 at 8:46 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Smart A$$ Mom,

They already have pet shrinks. In fact, they have for years. When I was little, my mom had a bird, some kind of parrot. When I got a new kitten, the bird went crazy and started plucking out his feathers and bleeding all the time. Our vet referred my mom and her bird to a pet psychiatrist. In NEW YORK (we lived in Ohio). Instead, she tortured the bird by forcing him to wear one of those plastic cones around his neck, then she had him put to sleep.

My point is: Good luck with your new career! ;)

February 10, 2009 at 8:57 AM  
Blogger PinkLizzy said...

That's the sweet stuff.

February 10, 2009 at 8:57 AM  
Blogger WA said...

Oh, I hope you don't get Cat Scratch Fever.

February 10, 2009 at 9:17 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Oh yeah, keep my ass away from any medical website.

Maybe the cat has a coke habit???

February 10, 2009 at 9:31 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I recently diagnosed myself AND my son with Cystic Fibrosis. I had a cough, and so did he and it seemed to go on for ages. I'm still kind of sure about it.

February 10, 2009 at 9:37 AM  
Blogger derfina said...

You got that testicular cancer too? I thought it was just me and all that pot I used to smoke. My testacleeze have been killing me ever since I read that chit.

February 10, 2009 at 9:57 AM  
Blogger Joanie said...

My kitten caught a cold and I had to give him antibitics! and wipe his nose when he sneezed! I thought I was done with that when my youngest grew up.

February 10, 2009 at 10:13 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Get that kitty a neti pot. I'm sure that would be easy to administer!

February 10, 2009 at 11:07 AM  
Blogger Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

You are not nuts. I have had Mono since the fourth grade and no one takes me seriously. Its hard being me... and apparently you.

February 10, 2009 at 12:24 PM  
Blogger K.Line said...

OMG - You really do share my insane hypochondria. It's a disease, I tell you!

February 10, 2009 at 1:46 PM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

"does janet jackson cause cancer in cats? you'll be surprised what a new study reveals. find out at 11..."

February 10, 2009 at 2:28 PM  
Blogger Clare Z. said...

Added you to my daily blog roll. =D

February 10, 2009 at 2:47 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

And see? I haven't seen a doctor in over 4 years. I accredited that to the fact I don't follow celebrity news (or news at all) and thus have never seen a picture of Janet Jackson.

Ignorance is not just bliss, but good health too.

February 10, 2009 at 3:20 PM  
Blogger CSY said...

I have a hypochondriatic sister in law...she'd get sick EVERY TIME one of us did. The funny part? Whenever one of us got pregnant SHE'D have the symptoms. She even missed her period for 3 months! We all thought she was pregnant for real...{SAD PART SPOILER}until they went to the doc and come to find out she can't have them. (I told you it was a sad part)

February 10, 2009 at 4:22 PM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

I think your daughter might have the right idea.

My dog sneezes all the time. She has environmental allergies. Animals are a pain in the butt.

February 10, 2009 at 4:40 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Did you know that sneezing is a symptom of the black plague. Which comes from fleas. You better start checking kitty Nicki over.

February 10, 2009 at 5:19 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

LOL! I used to be terrible about Googling health conditions. But since I have had a baby with medical problems throughout the past year, I have learned to quit scaring the crap out of myself.

I am very happy that you survived the testicular cancer.

February 10, 2009 at 5:35 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

Proactive...hypochondria? You say tomato, I say tomato.

Great post!

February 10, 2009 at 5:57 PM  
Blogger lizspin said...

My husband's the hypo in our house. Everytime any other member of the household has an ailment, he suddenly comes down with the same complaint. . . only somehow his is "worse"!

I'm going to tell him the cat's sneezing. . .

February 10, 2009 at 6:01 PM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

Just because you're a hypochondriac doesn't mean you're not really sick. Or does it?

February 10, 2009 at 8:15 PM  
Blogger Smores for Breakfast said...

Marinka- You are HILLARIOUS!!!!!! seriously, I die reading your blog. I look forward to reading it every day!

February 10, 2009 at 8:28 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

Huh? Women can't get testicular cancer?

February 10, 2009 at 8:37 PM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Awwwww, why do you have to go and pick on poor Janet Jackson?? That poor gal is trying to get by. ;)

February 10, 2009 at 9:22 PM  
Anonymous kia (good enough mama) said...

"Proactive" about your health, huh? I guess it could be said then that my mother in law is "proactive" about HER health. Actually, no... she's just an asshole. And you're not.

February 10, 2009 at 9:37 PM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

i DO have anxiety disorder and i went through what i like to call The Year of Dying where i was sure i had a laundry list of diseases. it was so much fun. i think i'll try it again on leap year.

February 10, 2009 at 10:42 PM  
Blogger Tooj said...

I am happy to hear that Nicki has adjusted well to living in Marinka world.

February 10, 2009 at 10:47 PM  
Blogger blognut said...

Sheesh! Who says women can't get testicular cancer. I've had my balls removed twice, but they keep growing back. Next thing you know they'll be telling us we can't have erectile dysfunction either.

February 10, 2009 at 11:02 PM  

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