Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Hey, This Isn't a Popularity Contest

Just because I don't know how to drive doesn't mean that I don't have strong opinions about how other people do it. And I was telling Husbandrinka about these dumbasses who swerve to avoid a chipmunk and end up with their car in the ditch and their passengers maimed. Like, maybe it was the chipmunk's time to go. Especially if you consider that the chipmunk most like had a stroke after seeing the car wreck. And even if he didn't have a stroke, I don't know how he'll be able to live with all the guilt. I mean, he's probably fashioning a noose as I type, right?

So, despite this totally awesome fool-proof argument, Husbandrinka is not convinced and tells me that when you're a driver, it's all about instinct, baby. Except he doesn't say "baby", I just wrote that to see how Husbandrinka would sound as a cheesy movie character. Like, it's not like the driver says, "Oh, look at the cute chipmunk! I must ridk my children's lives in order to spare him, because, eh, I can always get more kids, but only god can make a chipmunk! Where are the brakes, I need to hit them, hard!"

And you know what? I'm not unreasonable. I totally get that. Which is why I think that in driver's ed, they should totally make you practice hitting small animals on the road. Like aim for them. You'd get extra points for it on the driver's ed exam. Because one day, that could save a life. Unlike parallel parking, for example.


Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

I've saved three lives parallel parking. Obviously, I really kick ass at parallel parking.

February 11, 2009 at 12:09 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

I've always believed it was the wrong decision to allow chipmunks to drive. The fools.

February 11, 2009 at 2:31 AM  
Blogger p.huong said...

I personally hate squirrels. The ones on campus are savages. My roommate once saw a girl sitting at a table outside, book in one hand reading and food in the other. There was a squirrel on the table reaching for her food. I really think these squirrels are the result of some crazy genetic experiment being conducted in one of the labs on campus.

Run them over.

I wonder if anyone has ever run over a squirrel while parallel parking...

February 11, 2009 at 2:52 AM  
Blogger Braja said...

Everyone's for the chipmunks? Fuck that. I say to hell with passengers. They bought the ticket, let 'em crash.

February 11, 2009 at 5:09 AM  
Blogger jon said...

On Seinfeld, George talked about how the birds were supposed to have an agreement with us that we can drive normally and they would get out of the way. It's upsetting when the others don't have this agreement. They all should have it, the chipmunks, squirrels, possums, homeless, etc.

February 11, 2009 at 5:17 AM  
Blogger daydreamymama said...

Parallel parking sucks. I tried to do it during my first drivers test and that orange cone thing went right down. The guy giving me the test just looked at me over his glasses, and finally said "Look for the cone." Like an idiot, I did, but couldn't see it, because it was, of course, under the car. I looked back at him and he gave me a world-weary look and said "It's gone." Like my driving career, he seemed to imply. I wanted to hit him.

February 11, 2009 at 6:24 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

Sometimes I think that the chipmunks are just suicidal and I'm doing them a favor by running over them.

February 11, 2009 at 6:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh God...

I'm one of those people. I know it's stupid and I shouldn't, but I totally swerve to avoid hitting small animals (which clearly deserve to die at that point).

February 11, 2009 at 7:11 AM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

Take them all out.

And how many chipmunks do you have running around NYC?

February 11, 2009 at 7:30 AM  
Blogger Leigh (Modern Mommy) said...

Oh yeah, run the bastards over. Seriously, I only swerve it's a large enough animal to harm my car. Like a deer. Or wild boar. (A wild boar will TOTALLY eff up your car.)

February 11, 2009 at 7:36 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

I don't swerve, either. I barely even brake for squirrels in the road. Too many damn squirrels anyway.

I didn't drive until I was 21. I thought I was such a loser. Thanks, Marinka, now I know I was just NYC chic.

February 11, 2009 at 8:01 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

This is the best driving rant I've [ever] heard!
I think you should write the auto club and all the high schools and tell them your idea.
When deer season is upon us in western NY, they tell you not to swerve, but to hit them if you have to.
I guess that means you have less of a chance dying?

February 11, 2009 at 8:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So was the point here that you can't obtain a drivers license because you bombed the parallel parking bit? Maybe this is your argument for replacement of the pointless exercise in question?

February 11, 2009 at 8:30 AM  
Blogger SoMi's Nilsa said...

I think the chipmunk stroked out just seeing your car barreling down the road towards it. No need to swerve. Keep on driving and hope there isn't a poof of fur in your rear view mirror after you pass the scene!

February 11, 2009 at 8:33 AM  
Blogger Leslie said...

I dunno about the squirrel guilt thing....have you seen those things frolic?! There's not "weight" on those shoulders. :)

February 11, 2009 at 8:56 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

HA. I drive around the block to find regular parking before even attempting parallel parking.

February 11, 2009 at 9:05 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Chipmunks? I thought it was all squirrels playing dodge-the-car games. I had no idea I may squish Alvin, Simon or Theodore. I feel like an ass thinking chipmunks are only of the forest. I even saw the damn movie, so clearly they are in the city for a big concert.

February 11, 2009 at 9:06 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Weirdest example of this I've ever seen:

When I was a teenager and drove around NW DC a lot, I once sat in standstill traffic on Connecticut Ave one night while the jeep three cars up waited for a SEWER RAT to cross the street. Of course we were a block away from the Cathedral, so it may have been a tourist who thought it was a opossum... Who knows - it was bizarre.

February 11, 2009 at 9:27 AM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

I ran over a snake once. I thought it was a stick. I felt really bad. I went back, got out of the car and looked for it. It was gone, and I've always hoped it lived and didn't just crawl off to die.

I'm not over fond of snakes at all, but I still think about that snake. (This happened like 20 freaking years ago. Thanks for bringing back my bad memories Marinka.)

February 11, 2009 at 9:41 AM  
Blogger RenĂ©e aka Mekhismom said...

I once avoided hitting a bird. Yes, a bird! What the hell? He was a low flying bird and I, wait. Now that I remember it properly, I hit the bird. The bird is dead. Can we please have a moment of silence.

February 11, 2009 at 9:44 AM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

See, in Alabama, we actually are trained in drivers ed to hit the animals on the road.

After all, if you hit a possum, that's dinner.

February 11, 2009 at 10:18 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Ooooh exciting. You don't drive. Come over and I'll teach you. Blog material for a year..
P.S. Groucho says 'baby' at the end of all his sentences.

February 11, 2009 at 10:40 AM  
Blogger Annje said...

I would hate to hit an animal--course you never know if they are those Geiko squirrels that give each other high-five's after you crash. I hate parallel parking. I'll park a mile away and walk to avoid it.

February 11, 2009 at 11:01 AM  
Blogger Jess said...

My husband once hit a squirrel and everyone in the car with him wanted to kill him!

February 11, 2009 at 11:18 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I once hit a bird and it got stuck in the radiator my husband thought it was the best hood ornament ever - sicko!

February 11, 2009 at 11:23 AM  
Blogger phd in yogurtry said...

Driving and hit the chipmunk? 10 points.

Parallel Parking and hit the chipmunk? 100 points.

February 11, 2009 at 12:19 PM  
Blogger Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Did you know that one of a squirrels' adaptations for survival in the wild is to run in a zig zag pattern to confuse and outrun its predators? Doesn't really work when your predator is an SUV on a city street. Evolution needs to pick up the pace.

February 11, 2009 at 12:33 PM  
Blogger Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

I say you are 100 percent right. My uncle and two of his nephews died (before I was born, so no guilt over bringing up bad memories or anything) swerving to avoid a family of ducks crossing the road. I am not saying aim for the critters, but really... if they can't use a crosswalk like the rest of us... don't sacrifice yourself, you know?

February 11, 2009 at 12:56 PM  
Blogger Smores for Breakfast said...

i agree with you.

Tho I haven't seen too many chipmunks running across the street on Broadway! I wish I could attribute cabbie's horrible driving to chipmunks!

February 11, 2009 at 12:56 PM  
Blogger Tooj said...

I once crushed a turtle, mistaking it for a lump of mud. I felt bad. I once hit a squirrel and felt so bad I circled around to make sure it was put out of its misery, but when I came back the ONE block I'd driven...he was gone. I guess he was alright....but I think he could have at least WAITED to see if I was.

February 11, 2009 at 1:13 PM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

I heard PETA was protesting - dressed in KKK robes & hoods - at the Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden last night. If only they knew that just a short subway ride away, a would-be murderess was tapping venomous hate-speech into her blog.

February 11, 2009 at 1:33 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Smart A$$ Mom---how you flatter me. By assuming that I could ever pass the learner's permit phase to actually get to take the driving part.

February 11, 2009 at 1:39 PM  
Blogger Jannie Funster said...

I only passed my driver's road test on the 4th try (really a long story.) And even after that, it took a while to get really proficient with driving.

With time you learn to make snap judgements and if it comes down to humans or chipmunks, as much as I love those cute little fluffy rodents, humans will win out every time.

February 11, 2009 at 2:47 PM  
Blogger Miss Britt said...

You are absolutely right.

And I need to be trained. To save the kids.

I'm going to go out and spend the next hour or two running over small rodents. Just to be safe.

February 11, 2009 at 4:36 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

This is so funny because the week I got my license, I swerved to miss a squirrel and hit a curb, popping my tire. I was humiliated.

So now I plow over 'em like nobody's business.

February 11, 2009 at 5:07 PM  
Blogger PinkLizzy said...

We don't have squirrels in Australia but if you run over a cane toad they make a satisifying popping sound and trust me, NO ONE swerves for a cane toad.

February 11, 2009 at 5:18 PM  
Blogger Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

hahahahahahaha...I just had to say you made my day with this one...and it's totally true!

February 11, 2009 at 7:10 PM  
Blogger Mariah said...

I think it's a great idea to make people hit small animals on their driving test--once your used to hitting them, what's the big deal?

February 11, 2009 at 7:43 PM  
Blogger lizspin said...

I want my husband to call me Baby! Or Babe! Don't know about you, but I might like to try a cheesy movie character for a change!!!

February 11, 2009 at 8:24 PM  
Blogger Miss M said...

Ha! Squirrels? Not here. We have snakes, coyotes, and giant lizards around here. I almost hit a lizard that ran across the road so fast the he smacked into the curb on the other side. He stopped, shook his head, and scampered on. Snakes are hard to hit though, even if you are trying!

February 11, 2009 at 8:56 PM  
Anonymous Tina T said...

I love cute little animals, but once they're out on the road they're in my territory. Besides, if I swerve to avoid them they're just going to get run down by the teen on the cell phone in the car behind me.

February 11, 2009 at 8:57 PM  
Anonymous kia (good enough mama) said...

OMG, this is so funny. My dad totally gave me shit when i was learning to drive and happened to swerve for a squirrel. To this day, I have to talk myself through it when faced with the question,hit it or miss it? As for parallel parking, I failed my first driver's test because of parallel parking. Or lack of parallel parking.

February 11, 2009 at 9:16 PM  
Blogger Momo Fali said...

You are brilliant. It's like defensive driving on speed. And from now on, I will totally picture Husbandrinka saying, "Baby".

February 11, 2009 at 9:27 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

I will say, for the record, that I ran over not one but TWO rabbits in quick succession while driving at night in Arizona once. It was either hit the critters or swerve into a deep ditch on one side of the road or a sheer rock face on the other. I opted for alive humans and roadkill rather than the other way around. It was traumatic. But how are you going to avoid the suckers when there are literally THOUSANDS of pairs of beady glowing eyes staring at you from the ditch, just waiting for the right moment to hurl themselves in front of your car? If the rodents insist on playing "chicken," you gotta' be a hard-ass and not back down just because their timing is a little off.

February 11, 2009 at 9:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just like PinkLizzy said
In Australia it's fun to run over pesky cane toads. They do make loud pop when I drove over them especially barefoot on the pedals so you can feel it pop.

June 1, 2009 at 4:32 PM  

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