Friday, February 20, 2009

Vote for me!

You know how except for asking you to visit the Whining blog and a few million other sites I never ask you for anything, right? And you're probably thinking that I'm unnaturally selfless. A giver.

Well, that's about to change, because I have a huge favor to demand.
Please vote for me as The Next Celebrity. This is something that I think I'd excel at and something (that I now realize) I've always wanted.

If I am the Next Celebrity, here is what I promise:

1. The US Weekly "they're just like us" spread will be just like looking in the mirror.
2. I know you're busy, so I guarantee that you will not have to spend one second of your precious time worrying that I'm "anorexic".
3. I have no talent (so don't forget to vote for me in the "Famous for doing absolutely nothing" category!) so I won't be a drain on your wallet--no movies to see, tv shows to watch or cds to buy! win-win-win!
4. I am at the hag threshold so you won't have to worry that I will have more babies and the incessant media coverage that surrounds that.
5. If I get befriended by Angelina, I'll totally spill all her secrets to you on this blog. I won't even blink (Team Aniston, baby!)
6. If Jen Aniston confides in me, I'll totally spill all her secrets to you on this blog. (Self promoting whore, Marinka, baby!)
7. I'm pretty sure that my new found celebrity will help me remain Permanently Intoxicated (See, #1, above).
8. I won't do that celebrity "my kids are not materialistic and love to play with sticks and rocks" crap. You will only see my children with the Wii remote melded into their hands.
9. I will totally make sure that my cat Nicki gets her own reality show! Watch as Nicki sneezes! Breaks a whisker! What could be more wholesome for the whole family?
10. If numbers 1-9, above are not sufficient for you, then you have really unrealistic celebrity expectations and I feel sorry for you.

Oh, and I have no idea about these election laws that we have in this country, so you'll probably have to contact your Congressman or chain yourself to the Capital to demand some answers about protocol. But I'm sure you'll agree that it's the least that you can do.

Labels:

41 Comments:

Blogger Threeboys1mommy said...

I'll vote but only if you promise to promote Trim Spa, slur your speech whenever the paparazzi approach and end your life with an epic baby daddy mystery where I will conclude that the baby daddy is your son!

Signed,
Sick Fuck ;-)

February 20, 2009 at 3:10 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

I will only vote for you if you promise to spend every night drinking and falling over in trashy nano-celeb hangouts.

That way you can get photographed stumbling into a taxi at 4am, bleary eyed and bedraggled, and have the photo alongside the others on the nano-celeb photo spread that we see in the paper everyday.

You have to promise to behave like a silly girl at a school prom every night, if you're unsure how to do this just watch the other z-list "celebrity" giraffes in their juvenile antics.

Is it a deal?

February 20, 2009 at 3:13 AM  
Blogger Braja said...

Whatever you need to do to plaster your image everywhere and promote yourself all over the blogosphere is fine by me.

Wait.

What do you want from me?

February 20, 2009 at 4:39 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Where do we vote? And how can I contribute to your campaign?

February 20, 2009 at 5:58 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

Does this mean I get to post your pics now???? does it??????

February 20, 2009 at 6:45 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

I'll vote for you if you promise to go to rehab at least twice a year and to make sure you're photographed drinking and doing drugs the day you get out. Oh, and don't forget to get confused about your sexual orientation too. It will push your career along famously.

February 20, 2009 at 7:15 AM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

Oh yes...what blognut said...particularly about being confused about your sexual orientation.

February 20, 2009 at 7:27 AM  
Blogger Kerry said...

Just one question, will you be wearing panties when you go out clubbing?

February 20, 2009 at 7:50 AM  
Blogger Smores for Breakfast said...

i'll vote for anyone that can befriend jen and angie at the same time. (apparently they're finally going to run into each other on sunday at the oscars!)

February 20, 2009 at 7:55 AM  
Blogger WA said...

OK, but after your rehab/sextape/DUI/CD, please promise to start designing handbags.

February 20, 2009 at 8:16 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

I'd do anything for you!
Vodka Mom has pics of you...
I smell blackmail!

February 20, 2009 at 8:33 AM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

You got my vote. But only if you give me some of the free Oscar swag. That's the only reason I'd want to be a celebrity.

February 20, 2009 at 8:36 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

But -- and here's what really matters -- will you sing the National Anthem in a voice much worse than mine, on television at a major sporting event, preferably while drunk, so as to simultaneously disgust me with your lack of patriotism and vindicate my own lack of singing ability?

Also, you didn't tell me where to vote, and I was ready to click for you at least a dozen times after #1 alone.

February 20, 2009 at 8:38 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I'll totally vote for you!

February 20, 2009 at 8:47 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

(In my best Southern accent) Love the hair! Hope you win!

February 20, 2009 at 8:52 AM  
Blogger Jaywalker said...

Is this a worldwide election, or only America? Because I'd like to vote for you even if I can't. But you must promise to have a saggy bottom when you are Next Celebrity. Otherwise, no dice.

February 20, 2009 at 8:56 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

You had me at "they're just like us," but the rest of your case was just as enjoyable. Team Aniston for sure!

February 20, 2009 at 8:58 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Hell yeah I'd vote for you!

But you must invite me to at least 1 premiere, preferably for someone like Johnny Depp.

February 20, 2009 at 9:08 AM  
Blogger Christy said...

I'm on team aniston too. And I'd totally vote for you, if only to see the show about Niki.

February 20, 2009 at 9:12 AM  
Blogger Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

I will vote, but I do request at least one major scandal a month.... seen with a man young enough to be your grandson... using performance enhancing drugs... getting out of cab with no grunders.... randomly a lesbian... something to keep life interesting.

February 20, 2009 at 9:14 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

I'll vote for you only if you promise to do whatever it takes (that includes putting horrible things in your mouth)to get me locked in a room with George. I can take it from there.

February 20, 2009 at 9:38 AM  
Blogger jill jill bo bill said...

And this whole time i thought you WERE a celebrity. Dammit! All that time wasted...

February 20, 2009 at 9:59 AM  
Blogger Connie Weiss said...

Where is the link to where I am supposed to vote?

That is a YES from me, and my multiple personalities too.

February 20, 2009 at 10:02 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Who are you competing against. I'm 99.9% sure that I'll vote for you. But I like to have options.

February 20, 2009 at 10:14 AM  
Anonymous Jane said...

Can I be your assistant??
That way I can totally sell you out down the road!!!
You think Vodka Mom has pictures wait till mine come out!!
Then I can write a book about the real you and I can become a celebrity too.....win win for both of us!

February 20, 2009 at 10:31 AM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Well.... I'll vote for you if you can provide evidence that you will still look fabulous even while grocery shopping AND picking your nose. Maybe even picking your nose AT the grocery store. ;-) Is celebrity really worth it??

February 20, 2009 at 11:32 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

I'll vote for you if only to see the Nicki reality show.

February 20, 2009 at 12:13 PM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

I voted twice. A third time if you follow me on twitter.

February 20, 2009 at 12:13 PM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

At some point, this would guarantee pictures sans veil, so sign me up!

February 20, 2009 at 12:46 PM  
Blogger WendyB said...

As the strippers in Gypsy say, It's not enough to have no talent. You gotta have a gimmick too. ;-)

February 20, 2009 at 12:49 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

You get my vote. I can't wait to read about you when I'm in line at the store.

February 20, 2009 at 1:08 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

But will the papparazzi agree to take photos only of the back of your head? And will a reality show of Nicki's butt be a hit? Only if you don't spay her, I'd guess.

Sigh. The things you have to do for celebrity these days.

February 20, 2009 at 2:56 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Ok. I'll vote for you. It is the least I can do after your FAB guest post yesterday.

Hey, I'll be in NYC next Thurs!

February 20, 2009 at 4:19 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

I really needed that today. You are hilarious.

(Um, not that you couldn't be the next famous for doing absolutely nothing celebrity, because you totally could.)

February 20, 2009 at 6:35 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

sorry, but the "no talent" contest is mine for the taking. Gold medal for me baby, watch out

February 20, 2009 at 7:47 PM  
Blogger Braja said...

I knew Bern would come in and Queen it all over you. She has the moves. Mazel tov.

February 20, 2009 at 8:24 PM  
Blogger Frogs in my formula said...

If you win will you do the Britney-getting-out-of-the-limo shot? Cause that's huge.

February 20, 2009 at 8:30 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

If Captain Dumbass won't hire me, can I be your limo driver? I will make everyone I know vote for you, beat up the paparazzi, leak only the stories and photo's you approve and play Wii with the kids when you need a break.

February 20, 2009 at 8:37 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

I always pegged you for Team Aniston.

February 20, 2009 at 9:03 PM  
Blogger K.Line said...

Hell, I'd vote you in as president.

February 20, 2009 at 9:47 PM  
Blogger Gone Crazy said...

You've got my vote. As another very, very, very (I can't stress this enough) lazy person, I'd like to see more people like us in the public eye. We need to bring those type A, skinny, rich, successful types to heel.

I'm tired now and must go nap. I'll vote later.

February 23, 2009 at 4:12 PM  

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