Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Other People's Children

Ok, I know that many of us here are parents, but can I just get something off my chest?
Other people's children? Fucking annoying. Except for yours, of course. I adore your kids.

I have an acquaintance and every time we speak on the phone she lets me "talk" to her howevermanymonthold. I have no clue. Sixteen months? Please reduce it to a number that normal people can understand. Anyway, the kid is under two years old and I have to be honest here--I don't enjoy our telephone conversations. Mostly because I have no idea what the hell she's talking about, and when she'll shut up. Never asks a word about me, it's just some kind of monologue with absolutely no punch lines.

"Put your mommy back on," I say. Nothing. She keeps blathering as though I had not just issued a direct command.

Eventually the mom reaches a commercial break on her soap or something and picks up the phone.

"Isn't she adorable?" she asks.
"O.K." I tell her.
"What were you talking about?" she is dying to know. Seriously, what does she think we were talking about? About how Big was a piece of shit and Carrie had the self esteem of a Jerry Springer guest?
"Oh, she was just babbling."
"Babbling? She speaks in sentences now."
"So,what did she say?"
So, you can't say that you have no clue because if she was talking in sentences, they certainly weren't in English, unless you count Middle English.
"You know, girlie stuff."

Seriously, please spare me.

I mean, I love my kids, but I'm not going to impose them on people.  Can you imagine if I started writing blog posts about them?! Oh, hold on a second, they want to tell you something.



Blogger Lucy Filet said...

I have a dear friend whom I love who writes her blog in the voice of her child. Now granted, she only updates about once a month, but I still think it's silly. But I love her to death (you know, in case she's followed the link on my blog and is now reading my comment on your blog).

Um, ignore that. It's totally normal and not at all silly to "speak" for your under one year old.

Did I mention that I'm paranoid?

November 26, 2008 at 3:31 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

Sorry, parents, but this is my favorite blog ever in the entire history of the universe. So there. And yeah, spare me the drivel about how wonderful your kids are until they are old enough to have interesting dialogs with you (like Vodka Mom's: man, I love reading the kickin' good exchanges she has with her daughter...)

Some friends of ours had a baby a coupla weeks ago; people keep asking me, "have you been to see the baby?" I'm like, why? It can't talk...can I just go when it's, like, 3 or 4, can recognize me, can hold a conversation, and when there's an indication that this little human might grow into something or someone interesting? Until then, leave a message, I'll get back to you.

Yeah...that was like a blog post, right? :))

November 26, 2008 at 3:32 AM  
Blogger jmt said...

LOL This is funny. I can't recall ever having subjected my friends to talking to babble, but the grandparents love to hear it. I don't personally like being on the phone that much at all, so I won't participate because I want to hang up as soon as possible and go back to whatever it was that I was doing (see: sitting).

November 26, 2008 at 7:16 AM  
Blogger Smartass Milf said...

Other people's kids drive me insane!!!!!!! I met a woman who once referred to her 6 year old as being 72 months old. How fucking retarded is that??? I hate other kids in stores and restaurants. Leave them at home, especially on a Friday night at 10:00.

November 26, 2008 at 8:44 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

Smartass Milf I think I love you. We'd have good clean fun together. You get the drinks, I'll call Vodka Mom...

November 26, 2008 at 8:59 AM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Well, I love kids but I certainly wouldn't be interested in talking to somebody else's 16 month old baby on the phone. I have a life. Somewhat.

November 26, 2008 at 9:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

16 months old and she wants the play by play.. bahahaha..

Sorry..that is hysterical..

November 26, 2008 at 9:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's too bad you don't change your Welcome message. I used to work in a children's clothing store, and I didn't mind the kids - as long as they didn't run around, make a mess everywhere, and bring more of their friends. Now that I think about it.. I know why I don't miss working there.

November 26, 2008 at 9:45 AM  
Blogger 2 Brits, 2 Yanks, 2 Dogs said...

My 3 year old thinks everyone that calls wants to talk to her and I have been on the phone to the insurance guy and she is screaming in my ear "let me talk to them" my answer "sure if it gets me a lower insurance rate".

November 26, 2008 at 10:09 AM  
Blogger wfbdoglover said...

Oh, God. WAIT until they change the answering machine to the child babbling and it takes 5 minutes for the answering machine message or even worse, they answer the phone and you say "Can you get your mommy or daddy on the phone?" for 10 minutes.

SO annoying. I can totally relate!

November 26, 2008 at 10:09 AM  
Blogger Andy - Instafather said...

I hate the whole kids-age-given-by-months thing. I call bullshit. You don't hear me telling people I'm 311 months old, do you?

P.S. Marinka, I know you realized you could be my mom if you were a teenage whore and all. Let me be the first to say, why don't we just consider our relationship Cougar and young stud? Does that work?

November 26, 2008 at 10:10 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

Since I just got back from Disneyland I can confirm that other people's children are indeed highly annoying. But in Disneyland, they take annoying to a whole new level.

I deserve Mother of the Year for enduring three days of it.

By the way, you might want to skip my Disneyland trip summary post where I talk about how lovely and adorable my kids are. There will be lots of photos. Seriously... just skip it.

November 26, 2008 at 11:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously, children should not be allowed to talk on the telephone until they are at least ... I don't know ... fifteen. (That's years, not months). And probably not even then.

Another pet peeve of mine is the slightly older kid who is allowed to pick up the phone. You say "Hi, can I talk to your Mommy?" and they say " ... (deep adenoidal breathing)". Then you say "is this Milly/Molly/Mandy?" and they say "Mommy's in the bathroom pooping". And then they don't hang up.

November 26, 2008 at 11:52 AM  
Blogger Jennifer S said...

Oh, seriously. There's a very short list of OPKs that I can stand (Other People's Kids). And I don't want to talk to them on the phone, even. Maybe next time you can tell the kid that Santa isn't real. That should take care of that.

November 26, 2008 at 12:09 PM  
Blogger Maura said...

Hmm, yeah, people's kids. Loaded topic for someone without any.

Thankfully, I've never had anyone try to make me "talk to" an infant. If they did I'm quite certain that my phone would drop the connection. Those darn cell phones!

November 26, 2008 at 1:09 PM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

OK. I am freaked out. We are, like, the same person-- I just copied this from a draft post of mine. I SHIT YOU NOT:

I adore my children. They are delightful, witty, gorgeous and brilliant. Other people's children? Fucking annoying. (Except for yours, of course. Yours are the next best thing to my own.)

Ummmm... hello? Do you have chills???

November 26, 2008 at 1:52 PM  
Blogger said...

I'm an equal opportunity hater.

However, I will say this: the bigger the person, the bigger the obnoxious.

My kids: freaking adorable. In fact, I'm going to start a blog about them and make you click on my name right here and force you to read about them. You know you want to. C'mon, everyone's doing it. Heh heh heh.

November 26, 2008 at 1:59 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

That drives me batty. I never call and say, "put your child on the phone." Perhaps if we taught them new words while mommy wasn't listening....

November 26, 2008 at 2:01 PM  
Blogger Nanny Goats In Panties said...

There is a time and a place when I want to talk endlessly about your kids and RIGHT NOW is not one of those times!

Actually, I'm probably worse than most because I don't have kids of my own, which probably means that I just don't have the ammunition to say, "Oh yeah? Well MY kid...."

November 26, 2008 at 2:16 PM  
Blogger Maddness of Me said...

I'm such a jerk, but I slay me. When people ask me "do you want to talk to anybabynamehere?" I always say, mmmm no - no I don't.

Same thing holds true for when somebody asks me "do you want to hear something funny"... mmmm no.

Last time I got stuck talking to somebody's baby, they got stuck listening to my cat meow into the phone.

November 26, 2008 at 2:28 PM  
Blogger Mojo said...

"Mostly because I have no idea what the hell she's talking about, and when she'll shut up. Never asks a word about me, it's just some kind of monologue with absolutely no punch lines."

You just described every conversation I've ever had w/my mother.

November 26, 2008 at 3:04 PM  
Blogger Frogs in my formula said...

I totally agree. It takes effort to feign enthusiasm over things kids do. I tire from my OWN child, no need to throw others into the mix. Funny post!

November 26, 2008 at 8:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm with you. Other people's kids? Fecking annoying. ESPECIALLY on the fecking fone. Feck.

November 26, 2008 at 9:06 PM  
Blogger Eve Grey said...

Bwahaha! I hate other people's kids. Seriously.

November 26, 2008 at 10:02 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

That sounds totally annoying. my mom talks nonstop so sometimes i put my 4 year-old daughter on the phone with her but I don't think my daughter can get a word in.

I also never understand that friends want to see my kids. I'm like, my kids look like everyone else's kids. I'll get a sitter and we can go out and have some proper drinks and adult conversation. you know?

November 26, 2008 at 11:41 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Talking on the phone with anyone's kids... including my own... is not something I enjoy doing. I'm not a phone person anyway, thus since I can't understand a thing they're saying, I really don't care either.

Amen sister... you said what all of us were thinking!

November 27, 2008 at 12:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been forced to 'talk' on the phone to my sister's children for the last several years. So now I most definitly enjoy passing the phone to my toddler! Ha ha feels so good and just for kicks I decided my stepmom should also intertain her.

November 27, 2008 at 1:25 AM  
Blogger Magpie said...

Whenever my sister's children answer the phone, I make sure to try and school them in proper phone etiquette. It goes over like a lead balloon.

November 28, 2008 at 10:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wrote a letter to my girlfriends prior to giving birth and swore to allow them to beat me death with a spikey club if I ever put my kid on the phone to talk to them. Unless they asked for it, because then they deserved whatever they got.

December 1, 2008 at 12:12 PM  

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