Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Funny, She Doesn't Look Like a Whore

So the other day I get a postcard from Nicki's vet. Not one of those "having a great time, wish you were here" postcards, but more of a "Nicki is due for her FIV test, call to make an appointment with the vet tech". So I look up FIV and learn that it's the feline HIV test. I am positively gobsmacked, which is no small feat for an American.

And excuse me, but aren't there all sorts of regulations about patient confidentiality that should prohibit doctors from sending sensitive health information on a postcard?! I mean, I know that the postman always rings twice and everything, but I'd just rather that he not know that my cat is possibly FIV positive. That's super private and possibly a violation of her constitutional rights as a feline American. (Hey, that's two paragraphs in a row that I ended with "American". I am super patriotic.)

Other questions that immediately pop into my mind:

Do normal people even know that cats can get AIDS?

Who wants to be the one to tell Husbandrinka that our fucking cat may have
AIDS?


Forget it, I told him already. Like this: "Nicki may have AIDS!!!!"
And he looks at me with suspicious rage and I can tell that he thinks that I'm making this shit up, just because when we first got Nicki, I told him that she needed to have some of her stripes surgically rearranged to be The Best Tabby That She Could Be and also last week I told him that I was looking into getting her hysterectomy reversed. So just because I playfully fabricated some things in the past, why does he assume that I'd make this up about feline AIDS? I mean, what kind of a sick fuck does something like that?

"Cats can't get AIDS," he says in a slightly condescending manner that sort of implies that he's been working closely with the CDC on this.
"Oh, but they can!" I am drunk with knowledge and pinot grigio. "They can and they do!"

Update: Nicki is getting tested this Thursday. I can only imagine that with their wanton disregard for Nicki's privacy, the vet will post the FIV results on the billboard in Times Square. Otherwise, I will keep you posted on the results, but if you'd like to help Nicki during this uncertain time, please go here and vote for my friend Nap Warden, who's a finalist in Momversation's Favorite Mom Memory. You will have to register, but it takes like thirty seconds, unless you're really bad at registering or something. Nicki and I really appreciate it. God Bless You. And God Bless America.

34 Comments:

Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

God bless America?!? Are you feeling patriotic for Nap Warden or is this an attempt to bribe God into making sure Nicky doesn't have AIDS?

Oh, well. Every little bit helps when your kitty's life hangs in the balance.

May 5, 2009 at 12:25 AM  
Blogger Pop and Ice said...

Geez, it doesn't matter how late I stay up, I still rarely manage to be a *first commenter*. Damn you, Amy. Not really. I don't know you but I'm sure you're perfectly nice.

Onto Nicki. Feline HIV is not usually fatal until MUCH later on in a cat's life. We had a cat with HIV and we didn't know it till he was within a year of dying and he lived to 15. The only problem is that if your cat is diagnosed with HIV, vets will tell you no more cats until this cat has *moved on* as it can infect any other cats in your household. Also, you can't let your cat outside unless you want to be considered really irresponsible. Also, it's not transmittable to other types of pets or humans. You probably knew all this, but if a cat owner reads this, at least someone will be enlightened.

Has she been tested for FLV? That one is much more important because it is fatal much earlier and can also be transmitted to other felines.

And I voted for Nap Warden. Registered smoothly and cast my vote in her favor.

May 5, 2009 at 12:57 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

[looks up at calendar, is it April 1st already?!]

If it was one of those "having a great time, wish you were here" postcards that would be pretty odd, I mean who would it be from? Not the vet surely, or Nikki, who is at your place. Maybe from a hamster who is in for a triple-bypass operation, but you'd think he wouldn't be having a great time...

May 5, 2009 at 12:59 AM  
Blogger Pop and Ice said...

Oh, and good luck Nicki! I'm rooting for you!

May 5, 2009 at 12:59 AM  
Anonymous LadyFi said...

Oh well, at least your cat will be spared swine flu fever! ;-)

May 5, 2009 at 2:39 AM  
Blogger Peanut said...

Hahaha! Thanks to "God bless America" your tirade sounded almost presidential :)))
And by the way, the idea of surgically altering stripes is brilliant, you should pitch it to some sort of a celebrity cosmetic surgeon, make sure to have your fee negotiated, and we might see a ton of stripe-reconstruction makeovers on feline TV :)))

May 5, 2009 at 3:19 AM  
Blogger Frau said...

My thoughts and prayers are with Nikki!!

May 5, 2009 at 3:35 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

I learn so much from your blog.

May 5, 2009 at 6:00 AM  
Blogger Janine said...

If the health information of animals is suddenly "protected" we are going to have to remember yet another password. And that's not all!!! We'll have to prove guardianship of our animals. I mean, do you even know Nicki's mother's maiden name? The name of her high school?

Please please be ok with the vet not only sending postcards about HIV testing, but posting your cat's sexual history on a billboard downtown if he/she wants. Please, PLEASE for the love of god! I promise I won't judge.

May 5, 2009 at 6:31 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

The HIPAA rules enacted by congress in 1996 clearly protect Nicki's privacy rights. I think she needs an attorney. Just sayin...

May 5, 2009 at 7:05 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

May 5, 2009 at 7:46 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Technically, she won't have AIDS anyway. It will be FAIDS. Which sounds like something that might rearrange her stripes when she isn't looking. Wasn't the Cheshire Cat a tabby? Well, now we all know the truth about his sexual history!

May 5, 2009 at 7:47 AM  
Blogger Madge said...

just think. if nikki has FIV you can probably find a support group. it's NYC after all. this could open up a whole new social world for you. cats with FIV and the people who love them.....

May 5, 2009 at 10:39 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

I have such a swelled sense of civic pride right now. Thank you for this patriotic and informative post.

I wouldn't have thought Nicki was a whore either. Did you ask her if she's been around the block?

May 5, 2009 at 10:54 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

i am so going to start producing cat-hair ribbons (there really aren't any colors left, are there?), trademark it, and then people can wear one to show their support for felines living with FAIDS.

May 5, 2009 at 10:57 AM  
Blogger City Girl said...

I think most cat people know about FIV, but only because they find the line item on the vet bill....

And outside kitties can get it from grooming each other, they don't even have to fight or have sex, or fight and then have makeup sex.

The big, wide world is a scary place for a little feline.

May 5, 2009 at 11:00 AM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

So, do the cats get FIV from fucking? Does Nicki have Peppy La Pue stuffed under a couch?

May 5, 2009 at 11:00 AM  
Blogger Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

So... have you talked to Nicki about how she may have gotten it? Sharing needles, unprotected sex? Possibly a medical malpractice suit for a botched blood transfusion???

May 5, 2009 at 11:40 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Are watching Bill O'Reilly? He obsesses about whether people are patriots or pinheads.

May 5, 2009 at 11:47 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

What worries me is how did HIV which started in Monkeys move on to cats?

May 5, 2009 at 12:13 PM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

One way to see if she's really at risk is to ask her if she's been sharing needles or had unprotected sex with gay cats who had sex with other gay cats since 1978. Or if she's had a transfusion. Then you'll know whether or not to worry really.

May 5, 2009 at 12:43 PM  
Blogger Keyona said...

Have you had the talk with your cat. You know, using protection and such? I'm just sayin'

May 5, 2009 at 1:06 PM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

I don't know who you think you're kidding. I've seen that cat's name on bathroom walls all over town.

Which reminds me that tonight is the season finale of RHONY, right?

May 5, 2009 at 4:25 PM  
Blogger DWJ said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...okay, I almost laughed outloud during a conference call reading this. Thank you.

May 5, 2009 at 5:44 PM  
Blogger Jennifer H said...

If she test positive, I hope there will be a movie about it (maybe or maybe not starring Tom Hanks), called Felinedelphia.

Who will play you, the loving cat owner? I'm thinking Kate Winslet.

May 5, 2009 at 6:05 PM  
Anonymous Melissa said...

I wouldn't be too alarmed... my cat was left alone with another cat who was infected- and - I have no idea whether or not they had "relations" during those hours they were together. She is TWENTY years old- and still kickin it FIV -free!

May 5, 2009 at 6:34 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

It's been a very bad horrible terrible sucktastic week for me (and it's like - only Tuesday) - and this made me LOL.

So thanks! (I hope she's not positive, but you could freak Husbandrinka the hell out with a false positive and all her expensive treatment options. Just sayin.)

May 5, 2009 at 10:29 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

I keep trying to tell you - on twitter, here, but you just won't listen. Cats are a pain in the butt. High Maintenance. You brought this on yourself, and now me, because I'm kind of attached to Nicki. Sigh.

May 5, 2009 at 11:25 PM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

I hope the Vet doesn't just post the results in subway graffiti...

The humiliation.

May 6, 2009 at 8:59 AM  
Blogger Nap Warden said...

Thanks so much for the mention!

May 6, 2009 at 2:26 PM  
Blogger Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

It's just a ploy to suck even more $$ out of you.

We throw all those postcards in the trash.

I refuse to bring my pets to the dr. more often than I take my kids.

And that's not often... :o)

May 6, 2009 at 9:32 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

Yep, they can. I worked at an animal shelter here in a L.A. and everyone knew who had it and who didn't. The staff talked all the time and would actually point right at them....I would yell at them, um hello, HIPPA anyone?

May 7, 2009 at 5:38 PM  
Blogger Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

Sometimes people pee their pants when they read stuff like this. I'm pregnant, yet more civilized than those folks.
I peed my skirt.

May 8, 2009 at 4:00 PM  
Blogger Sandi said...

My cat had FIV, I was mortified, I asked the Vet how on earth this happened to her. She told me cats get it the same way people do, Fighting and unprotected sex.

I thought about for a few days. and I am still thinking about it 8 years later. Can any of you tell me where I can get condoms for my future cats. So they can have protected sex. WTF?

May 9, 2009 at 6:51 PM  

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