Monday, April 27, 2009

For the Love and Comfort of Nicki

Last week, the kids and I had to go to Petco to get some cat food for Nicki, although my son immediately corrected me and said "Not CAT food, KITTEN food!" Like who cares what it's called so long as it has arsenic in it.

So we pass the peasant kitten food and go straight for the caviar, aka Iams. Because we do not want to miss any opportunity to invest as much money as we can't afford into Nicky's health and happiness.  And of course we can't just get the kitten food and  make it like a tree and leaf, because the Petco Satanists positioned the cat climbing mechanisms right next to the Kitten Food and both of my kids are all "AWWW!!!" 

I look at the price tag and it's $79.99, which, incidentally is what I told Husbandrinka that Nicki would cost us for her entire life, including the taxidermization, so I try to act casual and I'm all "ok, lets go!"
And they're all "NICKI NEEDS THAT!"
And I'm all "No, she doesn't!"
And they're all "YES SHE DOES!!!!"
And then my son starts moving towards the one cat scratch/play post that looks like it was build by Donald Trump for Hugh Hefner and his whores, except slightly more ornate and I feel my body go cold and simultaneously become drenched with sweat and I'm all "NO" and he's all "Please! I'll never ask for anything again!" and I agree to the $79.99 monstrosity because it's the less expensive of two evils. So like Atlas with the world on his shoulders, we're dragging the fucking kitty entertainment center to the cashier and I tell the kids that we'll have to get it delivered (for a convenient $15 charge!) and they're all "NICKI NEEDS IT TODAY!" but I put my foot down because I've just been economically sodomized and I'm still a little sore as a result.
But when it's delivered the next day, Nicki immediately takes to it and looks so comfortable on it that I know that we made a very wise decision.

By way of comparison, you can see how uncomfortable and unhappy she was when she was forced to sit on a human chair. Like an animal.

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Blogger jon said...

Aww, she does love it!

April 27, 2009 at 12:05 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

I'm sure that Hugh Hefner would have been perfectly happy with that.

April 27, 2009 at 1:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so glad I found your blog. I have just recently started to get to NYC to some photography work and I need a little more NY in my life.

April 27, 2009 at 1:08 AM  
Blogger Imogen Lamport said...

Your poor cat, having spent a lifetime of having to sit on the couch! What an inhumane person you are Marinka!

April 27, 2009 at 1:59 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Why don't they make those things for dogs? This is discrimination!

April 27, 2009 at 5:36 AM  
Anonymous Coco said...


April 27, 2009 at 7:10 AM  
Blogger lizspin said...

You're lucky! I brought one of those things home one day and the stupid cat just walked on by it. . . preferred the living room couch. . .for both the scratching and lounging. . .

April 27, 2009 at 7:32 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

Sure looks like Nicki loves her new condo.

April 27, 2009 at 7:44 AM  
Blogger WA said...

The way the economy is, I think you could have actually bought her a real condo in Miami for $79.99. Wall-to-wall carpet included.

April 27, 2009 at 8:08 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

I want one for myself. Of course, it would need to be much bigger, and therefore more expensive, but I'm worth it.

April 27, 2009 at 8:38 AM  
Blogger expateek said...

Taxidermization! Ha! Hysterical!

April 27, 2009 at 8:44 AM  
Blogger KekeLynn said...

She looks so happy in her new playhouse.

April 27, 2009 at 8:47 AM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I think your son has a career in high end sales ahead of him. Today, kitty condos, tomorrow executive jets or the aforementioned celebrity abodes. Or (Why not?) the world!

April 27, 2009 at 9:00 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

I started to read this post over an hour ago (back when my kids wanted breakfast), and I had only enough time to glance at it and think, "In the name of all that is holy, who charges $79.99 for IAMS?!?!?!" I was very glad to read it more carefully now and discover that you are in fact wise investors in cat happiness. And that your local PetCo doesn't need to be investigated by some bureau for fraud.

April 27, 2009 at 9:10 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

Please, our guinea pig has organic biodegradeable litter to pee and poop on, because the drawing of the animals on the bag were so cute mommy! Never bring children to the pet store.

April 27, 2009 at 9:11 AM  
Blogger Renée aka Mekhismom said...

I can only laugh. The "kitten" has clearly become the queen of the household. With her willing minions helping to elevate her status. Move over, there is a new Queen in town!

April 27, 2009 at 10:08 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Have you gotten that whole "I'll never ask for anything again!" bit down in writing yet? I think if you get Nicki's paw print on the bottom of it, it makes it legally binding.

April 27, 2009 at 10:16 AM  
Blogger Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

You'll go to Kitty Heaven for that.

April 27, 2009 at 10:23 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Damn, if I had know that you could have HAD mine!! Stupid cat wont even look at the effin thing. He would rather pee all over my house.

April 27, 2009 at 10:24 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

our cleaning woman costs $85 per visit - about the price of nicki's new perch. so next time you're scrubbing your floors, remember to look over to that shag-rug tower.

April 27, 2009 at 10:48 AM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Jon--yes, she really does love it. And that's what makes it worth every penny. Pennies that could have gone towards food or life saving anti-swine flu medicine, but whatever.

Mo--I agree. Hugh would have been delighted.

Southern Girl--I'm glad you did, too. Because nothing screams NYC like Petco. ;)

Imogen--I have a feeling that I'll be spending the rest of my natural life making it up to Nicki. But I draw the line at my afterlife.

Beth--You're right. I suspect it's because the cat lobby is a lot stronger than the dog lobby. I hope that Obama addresses this in his next 100 days. Which is really like 700 days in dog years.

April 27, 2009 at 10:58 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

She totally loves it!

April 27, 2009 at 11:37 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Do they do those in adult sizes? You cracked me up with "Economnically sodomized" I am going to try and use that in a sentence today.

April 27, 2009 at 12:05 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

I am so glad you took her out of her misery. I was about to call the ASPCA on you. Making her sit on normal furniture. As if.

April 27, 2009 at 1:30 PM  
Blogger Momo Fali said...

That human chair isn't even dipped in gold! How could she be happy with plain old leather? Cats are so demanding. This is when I'm happy I have a dog who doesn't even care if she's laying in some other animal's poop. Oh, wait...

April 27, 2009 at 1:30 PM  
Blogger Pop and Ice said...

Marinka, you were our family entertainment last night. My husband and I read together and laughed together know....this cat will cost you THOUSANDS of dollars. Just kidding. Really.

Husbandrinka, STOP READING HERE.

Shelter kitties are like that, always wanting to spend YOUR money.

We now have two shelter kitties, one of which cost us $1K last year when he nearly died from a rabies vaccination. Shelter kitty #2 has bizarre nail infection that JUST WON"T QUIT and as soon as it clears up (for the 4th freakin time), he has to be declawed. Office visits, meds, biopsy and future declaw - over $1K just in the past year.


It's so great being a parent to a shelter kitty because you've given them a home and love otherwise it would have been....well, you know.

April 27, 2009 at 2:14 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

What has killed me over the past year is this: we got a puppy (dumbass! Me, not the puppy who was very smart to be so cute) whom I initially hated. Until about a week ago when I decided that I was going to love him, dammit. But shelling out for his damn food? Always chafed my ass a bit.



(if I say it enough, I might believe it, right?)

April 27, 2009 at 2:58 PM  
Blogger geelizzie said...

You will be very very glad that you have invested in the kitty condo as Nicki will scratch on that instead of your sofa. Unless you hate your sofa and really wanted to get a new one, that is.

We have two condos and six cats and they haven't scratched our new sofa yet (at least I haven't caught them doing it), they prefer the condos for scratching. They still like to sleep on the sofa, though.

April 27, 2009 at 2:59 PM  
Blogger Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

you're really back in your element! I'm so happy.. I thought Ulysses and Fly lady would have permanently brain -damaged you!!

April 27, 2009 at 3:18 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

Nicki looks just like my cat.

I hate to do this to you but I feel it's my cat duty. Iams food is total crap. I thought for years that I was doing the best by feeding it but I was way wrong and paid big vet bills. Plus they do animal testing.

Any of the brands at Whole Foods are great (Health Guard is one).

April 27, 2009 at 3:55 PM  
Blogger Madge said...

last week i spent $565!!!!! on my cat -- she had four teeth pulled.


April 27, 2009 at 3:58 PM  
Blogger Z said...

In college, I owned a cat for a week. He cost me $900 dollars in that ONE WEEK. Mostly because I adopted him, he got sick, and then he died. So, no, that was not $900 well-spent.

Then I adopted another cat - a kitten. That one lived in my dorm room for over a year. I spent less than $900 dollars on that one in the entire year, but my tiny little room always smelled of cat poop, no matter how many times the litter was scooped.

I am not sure which was the better deal.

I now have a dog.

April 27, 2009 at 4:45 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

i vote for stuffing him.

April 27, 2009 at 5:25 PM  
Blogger Kari said...

You know, she really does look happier in her new castle. My question is, how do cats know that those scratching post things are actually for them? What if you had just brought home some new expensive art that happened to be covered in carpet, and the cat was sitting and scratching all over it.

April 27, 2009 at 6:09 PM  
Anonymous Sarah @ said...

Economically sodomized. Heh.

That sentence alone will make me come back here tomorrow =)

Economically sodomized. Heh.

When we rescued our first kitten, we were talked into one of those cat trees too. They love those things; it's amazing! I'm glad Nicki likes it too! =)

April 27, 2009 at 6:28 PM  
Blogger Stimey said...

That poor cat. Will she ever be pampered?

April 27, 2009 at 6:58 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Coco--I know! Mmmm...suckers...

Lizspin--perhaps you haven't found "just the right" condo for your cat? Don't give up or let things like money stand in the way of your cat's happiness.

Dental Maven--She does. But hey, how do we know that it's a condo and not a co-op?

WA- right, but then she'd have to go to Miami. And Nicki has standards.

Blognut--I'm sure you could squeeze into Nicki's! It's a triplex! Or are you suggesting that Nicki is freakishly small?!

Expateek--AND fun for the whole family!

KekeLynn--she is happy. But I get the sense that she could always be happier.

April 27, 2009 at 7:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And it hardly takes up any room! Did you add on?

April 27, 2009 at 9:02 PM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Oh my god "economically sodomized"!! That is my new favorite phrase ever.

April 27, 2009 at 10:09 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

sucka!!!! sorry, had to say it

April 28, 2009 at 2:25 AM  
Blogger Denise said...

Nicki is adorable and well worth any amount of money!!!

April 28, 2009 at 4:37 PM  
Blogger SSQuo said...

Her look says it all, look at the paws - she doesnt really sit comfortably on the black couch. In the other one she's regal and the King of her, er...entertainment center

April 28, 2009 at 5:27 PM  
Blogger Shay said...

You will not regret feeding your cat Iams. All of our cats have eaten Iams (dry) since kittenhood and they all had/have stellar gastrointestinal systems. One actually lived to the age of twenty-one and was terrorizing German Shepherds almost up to the day he pulled a Captain Oates on us.

April 28, 2009 at 9:49 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Sophie--I'm counting on that! It's my new 401k.

MommyTime--I'm sure it's just a matter of time before Nicki is eating $79.99 food.

Comedy Goddess--I'm telling you, we have to get better at saying "no" to them. Or not bringing them with us.

Renee--Yes, we totally work for her now.

FADKOG--I have her tail stapled to the document. Double legal!

Mary--is that the one with pitchforks?!

April 29, 2009 at 4:20 PM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Ack. Been so busy with the stupid job this week that I missed seeing the infamous Nikki. Such a welcome sight after the skinny bone thing above her.

May 1, 2009 at 2:58 AM  
Anonymous P.K. said...

I don't want to alarm you, but Nikki looks EXACTLY like my cat. You know, the one I have to give a stool softener to orally every single day of our mutually tortured lives, and an enema (rectally, where else?) every other week. Yes, my cat hates me coming and going.

May 2, 2009 at 9:35 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

I'm sitting here in the dark of my house at twenty past midnight...laughing my ass off.

You are a fantastic writer. Fantastic.

May 3, 2009 at 12:19 AM  
Blogger MG @ MommyGeekology said...

This only supports my theory that cats are evil.

PS This is my new online identity :)

May 14, 2009 at 7:08 AM  

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