Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Could You Hurt a Fly?

Because of my own recent trauma with Craigslist, I've been avoiding the coverage of the Craigslist murder case as much as possible, but now that the suspect's fiance has been speaking out and there are headlines that she is standing by her man and declaring that he "wouldn't hurt a fly", I am drawn to the story, and demand justice. Because I know people who wouldn't hurt a fly. They are out of their fucking minds.

People who wouldn't hurt a fly are generally a huge pain in the ass to be around because while the rest of us are sitting there with fly swatters and mini fly uzis, these people lecture us on reincarnation and how we are all god's creatures and how it's not the fly's fault that it's a fly. Which is one of those arguments that I personally like to avoid. Much like I like to avoid arguing with the unmedicated insane.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but let me run this by you.
A friend's husband, Shmandbandrinka, cannot kill a fly. When confronted with a fly situation, he stands with a rolled up magazine, seeking to make eye contact with the fly and then takes a swing at it. He's been on the receiving end of many useful hints over the years, including to actually make contact with the fly-victim. The constant missing causes a lot of cursing on his part and hysterical laughter on the part of whoever is observing this, but I can totally see how if he were wrongly accused of a crime, you'd want to get up there and say that "he wouldn't hurt a fly". Because letting the world know that your beloved is not only accused of murder, but also couldn't get it together enough to harm a fly is mortifying.


Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

My dad honestly wouldn't rip the wings off a butterfly for one million dollars.

I know, because I once asked him.

April 22, 2009 at 12:12 AM  
Blogger anymommy said...

It's like the 'put the spider outside' people. There's something wrong with those people. Smoosh it! If you put it outside, it can come back IN.

April 22, 2009 at 12:38 AM  
Blogger jen said...

i once had to get out of the way of a man with a fly swatter ... outside ... randomly hitting the pavement and walls and buildings. next to a lake. where there must have been A LOT of flies.
so ... yeah ... i think killing flies in that sort of a situation makes you a little deranged also. basically if anyone comments anything about you hurting or even not hurting a fly ... i think it must mean you are screwy.

April 22, 2009 at 12:48 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

I like to make eye-contact with a fly, locking our gaze for three long seconds, then I unleash a deadly volley from my mini fly uzi, all the while letting loose a hearty "bwahahahaha".

April 22, 2009 at 1:07 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

What does it say about me if I admit to taking pleasure in hurting/killing flies? Ever tried hairspray on a fly? Hilarious!

And do we know for sure that flies can feel? I'm not sure they can.

April 22, 2009 at 5:54 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

Dentists are known for their eye-hand coordination. No fly's in The Maven's perimeter.

April 22, 2009 at 7:15 AM  
Blogger The Devil's Daughter-In-Law said...

You know who is one of those 'put the fly/spider outside' people?

My mother-in-law.

I, myself, take great delight in smashing each one into obliteration. And pretending it's my mother-in-law.

April 22, 2009 at 8:06 AM  
Blogger WA said...

He wouldn't hurt a fly, he'd just send it an e-mail and lure it to a hotel room for a few hours.

April 22, 2009 at 8:14 AM  
Blogger CSY said...

Oh flies aggrivate me! I guess because I like to actually have my windows open in the Spring. DEATH to all flies and spiders! I'm sure they have their place...under my shoe!

April 22, 2009 at 8:30 AM  
Blogger Keyona said...

I've always hear the quiet "wouldn't hurt a fly" type of people that turn out to be serial killers....just sayin'.

April 22, 2009 at 8:33 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

Flies = bugs = the only good one is a dead one. That is all.

April 22, 2009 at 8:35 AM  
Blogger A New England Life said...

The whole thing is just odd. Apparently she really believes in him. He might not hurt a fly but he'd kill an innocent woman. Allegedly.

April 22, 2009 at 8:40 AM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I used to have pet praying mantids and my mother perfected the technique of catching flies without killing them (they have to be alive for the mantis to show any interest).

I am pretty sure they don't have craigslist where she lives though, so the world is probably quite safe.

April 22, 2009 at 8:52 AM  
Blogger Maelstrom said...

I put spiders outside. I justify it by thinking that he will kill and eat other insects before THEY can come in my home.

April 22, 2009 at 9:10 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

All I can think of is the Ogden Nash poem:

The Lord invented the Fly
and then forgot to tell us why.

April 22, 2009 at 9:12 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

If this 'couldn't hurt a fly' suspect has neighbors who would also desribe him as quiet and a loner, he's doomed.

p.s. - I handed a spider his mortal coil just before reading this.

April 22, 2009 at 10:04 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

maybe she meant

April 22, 2009 at 10:19 AM  
Blogger Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

OK, I won't take this personally. :o) I am "one of those". I cannot hurt insects. I am known to catch flies and put them outside. I save the spiders. I once nursed a fly back to health.

I don't think I'm insane...

My brother, on the other hand, was abusive with his wife, and when the shit hit the proverbial fan, and I told him what I knew, his response? "I haven't even killed a fly in over 7 years!"

Now, that is insanity.


April 22, 2009 at 10:27 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Apparently I live under a rock because I haven't heard of this guy. But now that I have, I'm really glad that I did not decide to try to sell anything on Craig's List recently. I'd be scared out of my mind to have anyone show up at my house.

Tell your friend's husband he just needs more practice. I highly recommend having something small (like a mouse or squirrel) die under the crawl space below the laundry room. About a week later, there will be A LOT of flies. By the time they're gone, he should be pretty good at hitting them. In theory. Obviously, I've never actually HAD such a fly infestation at my house. That would be gross.

April 22, 2009 at 10:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've always wondered why flies are called flies. Someone wasn't very imaginative there, was he (because you know it was a guy)?

April 22, 2009 at 11:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Personally, I can't imagine going on public record to back anyone up. Unless you were squeezed from my loins, I don't lend MY name to anything.

April 22, 2009 at 12:25 PM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Sometimes, if you are bored, arguing with the unmedicated insane might be a time filler.

April 22, 2009 at 1:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I could kill a fly.

Now that I'm a mother, I'm pretty sure I could kill just about anything (humans included) that threated my kid.

It must be a bit freaky to found out your soon to be husband might be a murder - I feel for the girl.

April 22, 2009 at 1:24 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

It's those people who won't hurt a fly that you have to worry about. Their priorities are all fucked up, obviously.

April 22, 2009 at 3:16 PM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

OK that reminds me of a story. Last year, I was letting Eli smash gypsy caterpillars outside the preschool and another little boy started to do it too. His mother told him to stop, because, and I quote (hence the quotation marks) "We don't do that in our family.

Then she smiled all condescendingly and said "No offense, we're just tree huggers" and I said "Well since gypsy caterpillars KILL the trees, maybe you should squoosh them."

Then I might have said "In your face" or possibly "Geech." Anyway, she moved away the following month, and I like to think it's mostly because of me.

April 22, 2009 at 4:08 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

Oh for Christ's sake Marinka I am laughing my ass off here and can't even come up with a witty comeback.

and I wouldn't hurt a fly.........

April 22, 2009 at 5:02 PM  
Blogger skiplovey said...

"wouldn't hurt a fly"... but funneling all that unused aggression into more ominous and deviant ways.

Yeah, people that don't kill insects weird me out.

April 22, 2009 at 5:47 PM  
Blogger Z said...

well, this is certainly one take on that story i hadn't heard yet! as for killing flies, bring 'em on, man. i've perfected my fly killing devices, they work wonderfully :) (true story, too. gotta keep those pesky things outta the lab)

April 22, 2009 at 7:02 PM  
Blogger lizspin said...

When I returned from my solitary trip "away" earlier today, there was a fly swatter where my laptop usually resides.

What do you make of that????

April 22, 2009 at 8:40 PM  
Blogger iMommy said...

Anymommy has it right. Bugs? If you enter my home, I shall kill you.

Ok, you got me. I'll scream like a wimpy little girl and then call my big, strong husband to kill you. All while telling my daughter not to be afraid of bugs, because they're probably just as afraid of her, because they're so little! Harmless! FRIGGIN TERRIFYING AND ANNOYING!

April 22, 2009 at 10:10 PM  
Blogger La Belette Rouge said...

Gladly. Kill the flies. Go on. You do it while you are up. I'll sit here and say, "no, you didn't get him" or "eh, you just missed him".

April 22, 2009 at 11:35 PM  
Blogger merideth said...

off to find that old can of aqua net...

April 23, 2009 at 8:43 AM  
Anonymous Inna said...

I find it rewarding... the more flies/mosquitos/annoying flying things I killed, the more accomplished I am. Ask my fiance, I boast about it ALL the time :)

April 23, 2009 at 2:06 PM  

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