Thursday, April 16, 2009

Hi, There! We Are Here To Destroy You!

Sorry, but my son is a big Monsters v. Aliens fan and this is a very funny line from the movie because it comes with fun hand gestures which I can't show you because this is a blog and not a video screen.

But he's been repeating it a lot and we all laugh whenever he does it. Mostly because the sooner we laugh, the sooner he ends his impersonation.

I like the line because it's a real attention grabber and I don't understand why people don't use it in meetings all the time.

1. A friend of mine said something very funny. Her million year old cat is constipated and she has to give it enemas and she emailed me that "I'm about to put the cat out of my misery." Don't tell Nicki.

2. I recommend highly that you subscribe to my feed. That's the RSS button right there. I'm not sure what RSS is, I mean, I know it stands for "real simple something" but I'm assuming that they're using the word "simple" with a great sense of irony because no one knows what the fuck it is. Anyway, the reason that I ask you to subscribe are threefold-fold: (a) This week only, the subscriptions are free; (2) I'm a self-promoting whore and (iii) I am going to be posting a very unflattering photo of myself soon, but I'll have it up just long enough for it to show up in the reader, and then I'll be pulling it. This means that if you're not subscribing, you'll miss horrifying photos of me. I don't know how you'll be able to live with yourself.

3. I am undergoing blog reconstruction. See those tabs up above? No, not above your head, at the top of the blog! I'm trying to sort all my posts into those categories and adding more categories. If you have any category suggestions, please let me know. Thank you to Cyn, aka Nap Warden for doing all the work. Oh, and if I'm found murdered and dismembered, she should be considered a top suspect, because I'm sure that I've driven her insane by this point. But I'm repaying her by calling her an insane murderer!

4.Here is a picture of the back of St. Patrick's Cathedral on Wednesday afternoon. In case you haven't heard, New York got a new Cardinal, and a lot of men dressed in white to celebrate. I'm hoping that posting this picture qualified as a mitzvah and brings peace to earth. I've done my part.

5. And here is some art. This is outside one of the auction houses and it makes me smile. I mean, I don't actually stand in front of it, grinning like an idiot, it's more of an internal smile. At least I think it's an internal smile, maybe I need to google WebMD or something.

6. Now that we've covered religion and art, how about some pop culture?

ok, so it's not really pop culture, it's the back of the Today show studio. What? They left the door open and I took a picture.

7. Ok, I have an idea that is so mind-blowing and radical, that I'm even afraid to write it down. You know the whole Monsters vs. Aliens
movie? And children's movies in general? What's the thing with celebrity voices? They have to pay them kazillions, the big names take the job from some poor deformed voice actor and who gives a shit? Not the kids, they have no clue who these people are. And certainly not the parents. Because I guarantee that no parent went to hear Reese Witherspoon in that movie. We went because our kids dragged us and we would have gone if the characters had been voiced by Sarah Palin and John McCain. So this is a great way for the children's film industry to make money. They'll probably ask me to be president of Children's Movies once they hear this idea, so I may not be posting as often. Maybe I can get Reese to guest post, though!

8. If you're going to be in New York City next weekend, please consider walking with us in honor of Maddie. Click here to sign on to our exclusive team. And thank you very much to everyone who sponsored my walk. I assume you're ok with my taking a cab ride instead, right?

9. Some of my funny blog friends are putting together a room for BlogHer in Chicago this summer. I'll definitely be there (unless there's a RHONY reunion show or something at the same time) and it would be awesome if you'd vote for them to get this room, too. Oh, stop being coy and just do it already. You're getting sleepy. Your eyelids are getting heavy, you are in my power. Click here.

10. Did you skim this post? I sort of suspect that you did. You really should go back to re-read it because there may be a quiz soon.

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Blogger Kirsten said...

Maybe you could give Reese a little gift basket with sticks and rocks for her children.

Whenever I go to an animated movie with my kids I spend the whole movie trying to guess who the voices are. It's the only way I can sit through some of that crap. That and M&M's.

April 16, 2009 at 12:21 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

I read every word. Here are some o of my thoughts - I smile looking at that art, too. I smiled outwardly. I think perhaps sitting alone in a dark room, smiling at a photograph on a blog may be more perplexing than standing next to the actual art and smiling at it, but I could be wrong, as I am about so many things (particularly, and most recently, like who Bret would pick as his Rock of Love(tm) on Whore On Wheels); I wondered if some stage hand left the Today show set door open to make it easier to escape from Kathie Lee. I would. Just thinking about it makes me know I would; and finally, I wish I was going to BlogHer, but wishes are like unicorns around here.

- the end -

April 16, 2009 at 12:42 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

If I saw that 'art' thing I would walk up to it grinning inanely and say

"Hi, there! We are here to destroy you!"

in my best impression of Reese Witherspoon's voice.

April 16, 2009 at 12:59 AM  
Blogger Jennifer H said...

Lady, that was more information than I've taken in this side of 10 years. There'd better be a quiz.

Reese would be crazy not to guest post, even if it means untangling herself from that hunky Jake Gyllenhaal. (Yes, I had to look up how to spell that.)

My blog needs categories, but I'm super lazy.

April 16, 2009 at 2:11 AM  
Blogger p.huong said...

Again, more RHONY?!?

Hmmm, maybe you should do a video blog so you can show us (the people who haven't seen Monsters vs Aliens) the hand gestures?

April 16, 2009 at 2:37 AM  
Anonymous LadyFi said...

Ah - Monster vs. Aliens! Great graphics - shame about the plot!

You've got so many buttons you could start up a button store... but I think I found the RSS one... Stands for Really Simple Stuff... And - er - it's always free, but sshh! I won't tell anyone that they won't really have to pay. ;-)

April 16, 2009 at 3:02 AM  
Blogger Christine Gram said...

I like the big star voices, but I have to watch them dubbed, so, yea, it get's lost over here too.

April 16, 2009 at 6:12 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

Oh dear. Can't your friend just slip a little ex-lax into her cat's Fancy Feast?

April 16, 2009 at 7:05 AM  
Blogger The Panic Room said...

I never skim.

April 16, 2009 at 7:21 AM  
Blogger lizspin said...

Cat enemas. . .
Nude pictures. .
Blog detour ahead. .
Reese unemployed. . .

I'm ready for the quiz!!!

April 16, 2009 at 7:40 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

So... #5 (was it #5, 'cause I skimmed a little and I'm too lazy to go back and look) - What is it? It looks like a big pizza cutter? Is it a pizza cutter? If so, is there a very large pizza to go with it?

What else did you say? I skimmed a little.

April 16, 2009 at 7:56 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

I just love how very Klanish the Papal hats are.

April 16, 2009 at 8:03 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Kirsten - sticks & rocks. Haaa!

Your new tabs look fab. I would have suggested one for your parents but you already know they are famous around these parts.

That's the back of a studio? I hope no enters there. Looks like a million dollar lawsuit waiting to happen. Lawsuit, eh? Be right back!

April 16, 2009 at 8:45 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

I like the new tabs. I can't think of what else should be on them because I am saving all the brain cells I have that are awake for grading papers (as soon as I'm done with my coffee). Also, I'm sharpening my pencils for the quiz, and that keeps me pretty busy, you know.

April 16, 2009 at 9:21 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

Nice tabs.

April 16, 2009 at 9:42 AM  
Blogger WA said...

Cat enemas, popes and Reese Witherspoon. It's like a Marinka buffet today.

April 16, 2009 at 10:40 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

re: #4 - outside of st. patty's - when a lot of men dress in white to celebrate, it's called a "white party." for those of you who don't have your own gays: it's a type of thematic dance/club event thing. maybe john could guest blog on it.

April 16, 2009 at 11:13 AM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

I can see that you've been inspired, as I have, by Susan Boyle.

April 16, 2009 at 11:26 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

a suspicious person taking pics...and no one called the police?

April 16, 2009 at 11:59 AM  
Anonymous PK. said...

While you're redecorating the blog, don't forget to take a new photo of NYC -- winter's over, you know!

And here's a thought: How about a tab for more funny quotes from your enema-administering enemy of felines everywhere?

By the way, yours is the only blog I read because it's perfect in every way.

April 16, 2009 at 12:02 PM  
Blogger Immoral Matriarch said...

I'm getting a lot of 'You monsters are a pain in my zaxzar!' or however you spell it.

Driving me INSANE.

I like the tabs, and can't stand Reese Witherspoon.

April 16, 2009 at 1:56 PM  
Blogger Pamela Kramer said...

I feel asleep during the movie. Yes, it's true. I was so bored that Reese, Hugh, Seth and Stephen couldn't keep me awake!

April 16, 2009 at 3:17 PM  
Blogger iMommy said...

@blognut thinks that's a pizza cutter? I was sure it was a strange guitar. What IS that thing?

April 16, 2009 at 3:28 PM  
Blogger Miz Q said...

Pizza cutter? strange guitar???

You youngsters!!! lol

THAT is a typing eraser!! Back in the days before computers, even before the IBM selectrics that had the nifty backspace tape that pulled up the letter and part of the paper, one had to make corrections by using the round rubber end to erase typos and the bristle end for brushing away the 'crumbs' of paper and eraser left over!

A true antique :o) and it made me smile

April 16, 2009 at 4:16 PM  
Anonymous Elly said...

It appears your self-promoting sucked me in at an earlier post, because I already subscribed to your feed.

Also? The last 'S' of RSS is Syndication. Yes, I'm one of THOSE geeks. :P

April 16, 2009 at 4:27 PM  
Blogger geelizzie said...

I wonder how many people don't know what the art is because they've never seen or used a typewriter? I think it's wonderful, especially the frayed ends of the brush.
And now I'll have to go see monsters vs aliens even though I have no young children anymore. Is that okay for a middle aged woman to see a kids movie without borrowing some kids to take?

April 16, 2009 at 4:31 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

I read it all. And checked out the tabs. Really, Nikki needs to get her act together, she missed the last 6 nights.

Elly, I keep telling people it's really simple syndication. And it contacts you when content changes. And they still look at me like I'm an idiot and want more explanation. *sigh*

April 16, 2009 at 7:27 PM  
Blogger Nap Warden said...

Wait...I'm an insane murderer? I thought I was an awesome blog designer;)

April 16, 2009 at 8:05 PM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Skimming is for losers. And losers are clearly not welcome on this blog. So.... yeah. That's all I have to say about that.

1. I already voted for the humor room at BlogHer. I'll see you there (I'll be following Rants, holding onto the hem of her skirt and sucking my thumb, er, flask of whiskey.)

2. Loved Monsters vs. Aliens, but not as much as I love Seth Rogen. (You wanted to know that, I'm sure.)

3. Move your wireless base station (if you can) so that it will have one less wall between it and you bedroom: You will be blogging from bed in no time.

4. You VLOG made me do a spit take all over my keyboard. You owe me $40 or a cleaning fee. And I'm being generous by going halvsies on the keyboard with you.

April 16, 2009 at 9:54 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

you did it! you outed yourself! Mazel Tov. Why, mazel tov? I have no clue but that is something u have to say to someone when they do something that isn't murder or anything like that

April 17, 2009 at 3:56 AM  
Blogger Liza said...

What the hell is that thing outside the auction house? Between that, the Today Show set and the picture of all the holy men in white, all I can say is Only In NY. Ahhh, you make me homesick, lol.

April 17, 2009 at 8:56 AM  

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