Wednesday, April 8, 2009

How to Have a Nervous Breakdown: Part One

Prelude to a Nervous Breakdown

1. On Sunday morning, Husbandrinka says that he will take the kids to the lake house so that you can have the day to relax.

2. Relax mentally, that is, while you clean the apartment.

3. Bid everyone farewell, while sort of thinking that wouldn't it be something if Husbandrinka was really going to take the kids to meet his new girlfriend.

4. Look at the apartment to assess the cleaning that has to be done.

5. Consider applying for federal disaster relief aid.

6. Read a few blogs to prepare self for cleaning.

7. Read every single blog ever written.

8. Write a blog post about how the recession is forcing you to clean.

9. Wait for faithful readers to volunteer their cleaning services.

10. Realize that "faithful readers" are really "self-centered parasites".

11. Seethe and fume. Resign self to cleaning.

12. Go to Young Ladrinka's room and look under his bed.

13. Feel blood rushing to head.

14. Pull out coffin-sized box of Thomas the tank engine wooden trains, part of the Thomas the Tank Engine Railroad system.

15. Experience flashbacks of 3 year old Young Ladrinka screaming for a "new twain!!!!" at the toy store.

16. Experience flashback of 4 year old Young Ladrinka begging for "just one more train, to complete my collection" at the toy store.

17. Decide it's time to get rid of the trains.

18. Decide to list trains on ebay.

18. Open coffin. Start counting the trains. Stop at 60. Be unable to continue.

19. Decide to list the entire fucking thing on Craigslist.

20. Write loving Craigslist ad, asking people to make best offer for the whole thing. State that there are over 100 trains. Come close to begging.

21. Sit back and fantasize about spending the new-found money.

22. Like maybe on sensitivity training for "faithful readers".

23. Or a cleaning person.

24. A new wardrobe, perhaps?

24. Become concerned of need to add hand job to the Craigslist Thomas trains ad to finance this.

25. Clean the toilet and feel confident that soon the sale of the Thomas trains will happen and that nothing could possibly go wrong...

Tomorrow on Motherhood in NYC: Something Goes Wrong.



Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

I'm thinking your husband might not be happy about the hand job offer and your son might not be happy your selling his trains.

April 8, 2009 at 12:09 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Substitute "Thomas The Tank Engine" with "WWE action figures" and I've got the shakes. I just shield my eyes these days when walking past the kids' rooms.

April 8, 2009 at 12:25 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Can you add our Thomas collection in with yours please? The kids dont even play with the damn expensive things. Then again, they are all contaminated with lead, so I could care less about them playing with them! Good luck with that :)

April 8, 2009 at 12:37 AM  
Blogger Julia@SometimesLucid said...

Did your son pick this day to ask where his trains were? The trains he can't live without?

April 8, 2009 at 2:44 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

So what your actually saying is that you didn't really clean the apartment at all, apart from retrieve a box of trains and clean the toilet?

April 8, 2009 at 6:39 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

Uh oh, did the toilet overflow? That would suck. Especially since husbandrinka isn't there to fix it.

April 8, 2009 at 7:33 AM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

Lead poisining: Thomas or The Hand Job??

April 8, 2009 at 8:40 AM  
Blogger Maelstrom said...

mama bird be quiet, you'll ruin everything, I'm wait for the right moment to place an offer.

April 8, 2009 at 8:58 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

Husbands can clean too. I'm just saying.

April 8, 2009 at 10:07 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

not that i'm trying to promote homosexuality, but my sodomite-partnerinka cleans the toilets every night (after cleaning the kitchen). and lately, since i've been working late, he's been cooking too. oh, and he earns about twice what i make. just saying...

April 8, 2009 at 10:31 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

Thank God my son believes that Thomas lives at Barnes & Noble. Those trains are not for sale, sorry bubs. I can't even imagin what kind of insane collection we'd have if he knew you could buy them and bring them home.

April 8, 2009 at 10:42 AM  
Blogger iMommy said...

uh oh.

This is obviously no good.

Did it turn out alright? the suspense is killing me!

April 8, 2009 at 11:01 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

I just had a lightbulb moment! Now where did my husband put all those old toys, baseball cards, and playboy magazines? I need some new clothes!

April 8, 2009 at 11:21 AM  
Blogger Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I'm pretty sure selling Thomas is not a good move. But what do I really know anyway?

I get my husband to get rid of toys. That way, it's always his fault.

April 8, 2009 at 11:21 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Handjobs! Of course. That's what I've been doing wrong with my sales ads!

I totally forgot that most people are horndogs.
Off to edit!

April 8, 2009 at 11:34 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

I'm happy to lend you my cleaning lady for a day.
Oh gosh - sorry - I forgot. You live on the other side of the world.
Oh well.
Don't say I didn't offer!

April 8, 2009 at 12:26 PM  
Blogger K.Line said...

I so know how this goes wrong. Because I have the exact same thing with Pet Shops, Polly Pockets and Webkinz stuffies.

April 8, 2009 at 12:33 PM  
Blogger Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

We self-centered parasites STILL did not make you an offer!??
tsk tsk! I'm offering myself, provided you pay the plane charges, dearie! And, (hold your breath!), I'll clean for free for board and food for a week while I roam NYC...I mean, clean your apartment!

April 8, 2009 at 1:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What do you mean something goes wrong?

I was just starting to enjoy the idea that buying all these damn trains could be viewed as an investment.

April 8, 2009 at 2:26 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Can I guess? Is the thing that goes wrong related to lead paint? If so, just quarantine the red trains, and you'll be pretty much okay, since nearly all the recalls were for red trains. If not, and I just added to your pain, I can only apologize profusely and offer to mitigate it with some sort of lovely cocktail come May.

As for cleaning, if you ever saw my house, you'd know why any offer of mine to clean yours would be laughable.

April 8, 2009 at 3:59 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

how about buying me a new car so I can toss my cockblocker and maybe get a freaking date?

April 8, 2009 at 4:10 PM  
Blogger Susan said...

Promise Husbandrinka a blow job after he cleans the house. He'll be so tired you won't have to deliver.

April 8, 2009 at 5:59 PM  
Blogger lizspin said...

How can I follow that comment???

I won't ever try!!!!

April 8, 2009 at 6:33 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Oh boy. Where is this going?

April 8, 2009 at 7:29 PM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Ladrinka is going to spin off the planet when he realizes you sold his trains. Even if he is too old to play with them.

April 8, 2009 at 8:08 PM  
Blogger Phat Mama said...

I read the cleaning blog & almost offered to help but then I got caught up reading every blog ever written, too.

And commenting on them.

Which took hours because I wanted to be super funny so people would come look at -my- blog.

But they didn't.

So I went to Ebay for shopping therapy.

Obviously, the good stuff is over at Craigslist. Like trains. And prostitution rings.

P.S. Your blog is one of my top five faves to read, every day. When you miss a day, I take it out on my hubby.

April 8, 2009 at 8:21 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

I LOVE Craig's list.

I'm pretty sure it's the new black....

April 8, 2009 at 9:05 PM  
Blogger Charmaine said...

Craigs List. Why do I hate it?

April 8, 2009 at 9:26 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

If it wouldn't cost so much to mail from NYC I'd be happy to take the Thomas stuff off your hand as my own 3 yr old is collecting and so far only has an old, enormous VCR box full of wooden train tracks and parts. Have you got Toby's Windmill? LOL!

April 8, 2009 at 9:35 PM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

If I agree to clean your apartment, do I get to live in the maid's room off the kitchen?

April 8, 2009 at 10:32 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

We're at 90+ Thomas trains over here, but I promised my son I'd never sell them. I guess he's used to seeing his things vanish when he's at school.

April 9, 2009 at 6:34 PM  
Blogger Liza said...

"24. Become concerned of need to add hand job to the Craigslist Thomas trains ad to finance this."

I just spit coffee all over my desk and my co-workers are looking at me like I am nuts. I cannot read your blog at work anymore, lol!

April 14, 2009 at 3:45 PM  

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