Sunday, April 12, 2009

Tips for the Recession

UPDATE: Nightly Nicki has been updated!

It has come to my attention that many people are worried about the Recession. Because nothing is more important to me than helping others, I am proud to present

Tips for the Recession: Cutting Costs and Making Money!

1. Why not cut your grocery expenses by sending your kids to eat dinner at their friends'? Be sure to tell them to compliment the cook excessively, kissing tips of their fingertips and all that shit, so that the cook (ok, who are we kidding with this PC-crap, so that the MOM) will offer to send a doggy bag home, too!

2. When it's time to retaliate, I mean, reciprocate, serve brussel sprouts souffle and fish lasagna to the visiting child. Offer leftovers.

3. Instead of taking the whole family to the museum or the zoo, have a monthly designee. One person goes, takes everything in and then spends the rest of the day describing it to the rest of the family. So, if you're a family of four, it saves the price of three admissions, plus less bickering! Plus, it leaves the rest of the family free for wholesome television watching! I swear, this is one of those tips that we;ll be using even in the bull market.

4. Adopt a no-gift policy for the rest of the year (especially useful for some of us, who already celebrated their birthdays and cleaned up on the gifts).

4a. If someone insists on gifts for their birthday, schedule a fight shortly before the event to ensure thay you are not on speaking terms by that time. You can always send a belated "Sorry and Happy Birthday" ecard.

4b. If for some reason you can't weasel out of this gift giving stuff, tell the recipient that you made a donation in their name to some worthy organization. Like the Feed Marinka and Keep Her Liquored Up foundation. IRC 501(c)(3) status approval pending.

5. You know how in church they pass out that basket "for the poor"? That's you now, help yourself!

6. Kids drawing crap every day in school and dragging it home? Why not sell that art to the grandparents? Sign them up for a monthly special, with automatic deductions from their checking account. You may as well do it, before someone scams them out of their money and steals your inheritance.

7. As soon as someone you know sneezes, casually ask if they have a Last Will and Testament and that if they honored you by leaving their estate to you, you'd consider naming a room in your house after them. If they act at all offended, tell them that you can't believe that they didn't know that you were kidding, they NEVER got your sense of humor and don't appreciate you at all. While they're busy apologizing to you, confirm that they have the proper spelling of your name.

8. Start charging a "dream appearance fee". My friend John says that if someone dreams about him, they owe him $25. No one will argue with you when you suggest it beacuse they will think that you're crazy and deranged and $25 seems like a fair price to be spared being massacred.

9. Guests for dinner brought a bottle of wine? Hope they brought some cash, too, because there's a corkage fee!

10. Figure out how to achieve world peace. People will pay big money for that.

Good luck!

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28 Comments:

Blogger Stimey said...

Nice tip on the corkage fee. I like that idea a lot.

April 12, 2009 at 2:19 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

The corkage fee and the church tips are simply brilliant.

April 12, 2009 at 2:48 PM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

I'm all over the brussel sprout souffle and fish lasagna. Fabulous tip. They all are!!!!

April 12, 2009 at 2:59 PM  
Blogger WA said...

And that's why my kids are over eating Easter ham with the neighbors.

You really should be on "The Today Show".

April 12, 2009 at 3:00 PM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

Thanks for the tips. I hope I won't be billed a readers fee.

April 12, 2009 at 3:20 PM  
Blogger Musings of the Mrs. said...

Thanks for the tips. Especially the church basket one. Because I am about to go to Easter mass, and have not been to mass in years. So, I may as well take what's due to me.

April 12, 2009 at 3:57 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

Brilliant! Now about that fish lasagna - could you share that recipe?

April 12, 2009 at 4:16 PM  
Anonymous Coco said...

Very funny. My BFF in Tn had a friend when she lived in Atlanta that always dropped by when her kids were hungry. Who is not going to offer to feed two small boys who keep whining they are hungry. She knew she had food to feed her kids because she was snooping when my BFF wasn't home. She had given her a key which she took away when she realized she was coming over and helping herself to the loose change in a jar or a block of cheese, etc.

April 12, 2009 at 4:16 PM  
Blogger K.Line said...

Damn - I'm having people over and I forgot to give them advance notice of the corkage fee! :-)

April 12, 2009 at 4:54 PM  
Blogger iMommy said...

You'll also want to start charging a fee to use the restroom -- $1.00 for #1, $2.50 for #2 and they need to clean the toilet afterwards. You'll save money AND hard work!

April 12, 2009 at 5:12 PM  
Anonymous Elaine at Lipstickdaily said...

Love the corkage fee! Great post.

April 12, 2009 at 5:51 PM  
Anonymous Elaine at Lipstickdaily said...

Love the corkage fee! Great post.

April 12, 2009 at 5:51 PM  
Blogger blognut said...

Excellent! We are on the same page, Marinka. I'm already doing a few of these, and I'll start the rest tomorrow.

April 12, 2009 at 6:12 PM  
Blogger SweetPeaSurry said...

Totally boning up on 4b. Really ... I NEED that liquor fund, how else am I supposed to do a drunken rant in chat?

April 12, 2009 at 6:18 PM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

Mind if I send my daughter over to yours for the week? It would really help me out, and I know you like helping others.

April 12, 2009 at 7:24 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Seriously, when we were first married, we'd eat supper at my parent's house and a friend's house during the week to stretch the groceries.

April 12, 2009 at 11:24 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

Corkage fee = brilliant.

I also love iMommy's idea of charging to use the restroom.

My husband tried to get me to vacuum my minivan instead of taking it to the car wash. Whatever.

April 13, 2009 at 12:53 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

Awesome tips, if I institute #3 - I'm going to also make it seem like a chore so that I'm the one who ALWAYS has to go.

April 13, 2009 at 9:52 AM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

Thanks for the tips!
But why stop at sending the kids to the neighbors for dinner?

Why not just send them for the day and save on babysitting too?

April 13, 2009 at 10:00 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

i think we need to dump timothy geithner, and install marinka as the new treasury secretary.

April 13, 2009 at 10:38 AM  
Blogger Nap Warden said...

See now, if I was just rich...I wouldn't have to worry about these;)

April 13, 2009 at 2:10 PM  
Blogger Brittany said...

#9 was my FAVORITE!!!!!!!!!!

April 13, 2009 at 7:22 PM  
Blogger kel said...

I don't have kids, so how do you suggest I go about getting myself invited over to friends' houses on a regular basis?

April 13, 2009 at 7:33 PM  
Blogger Frogs in my formula said...

#3 made me laugh out loud. Brilliance.

April 13, 2009 at 9:28 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I already suggested giving the kids up for adoption but what I didn't add was then ask for them back but only after they graduate from college and make sure they have expectations or desire to go to grad school

April 14, 2009 at 12:49 AM  
Blogger Jennifer H said...

And never once did you mention giving up Starbucks. You are both brilliant and kind.

Please don't tell Hugh Jackman about the dream fee. I can't afford to pay him dozens of dollars. Hundreds. Thous...oh, never mind. Just don't tell him.

April 14, 2009 at 3:34 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Marinka,

You need a TV show.

April 14, 2009 at 6:56 AM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

#s 1, 8, and 9 I Love.

Surely I could make a shitload of money off my husband on the dream thing. Think about it. Even if he's not dreaming of me every night, he can't admit that ever, so he simply has to pay up.

New Manolos for Mamma.

April 14, 2009 at 12:09 PM  

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