Tips for the Recession
UPDATE: Nightly Nicki has been updated!
It has come to my attention that many people are worried about the Recession. Because nothing is more important to me than helping others, I am proud to present
Tips for the Recession: Cutting Costs and Making Money!
1. Why not cut your grocery expenses by sending your kids to eat dinner at their friends'? Be sure to tell them to compliment the cook excessively, kissing tips of their fingertips and all that shit, so that the cook (ok, who are we kidding with this PC-crap, so that the MOM) will offer to send a doggy bag home, too!
2. When it's time to retaliate, I mean, reciprocate, serve brussel sprouts souffle and fish lasagna to the visiting child. Offer leftovers.
3. Instead of taking the whole family to the museum or the zoo, have a monthly designee. One person goes, takes everything in and then spends the rest of the day describing it to the rest of the family. So, if you're a family of four, it saves the price of three admissions, plus less bickering! Plus, it leaves the rest of the family free for wholesome television watching! I swear, this is one of those tips that we;ll be using even in the bull market.
4. Adopt a no-gift policy for the rest of the year (especially useful for some of us, who already celebrated their birthdays and cleaned up on the gifts).
4a. If someone insists on gifts for their birthday, schedule a fight shortly before the event to ensure thay you are not on speaking terms by that time. You can always send a belated "Sorry and Happy Birthday" ecard.
4b. If for some reason you can't weasel out of this gift giving stuff, tell the recipient that you made a donation in their name to some worthy organization. Like the Feed Marinka and Keep Her Liquored Up foundation. IRC 501(c)(3) status approval pending.
5. You know how in church they pass out that basket "for the poor"? That's you now, help yourself!
6. Kids drawing crap every day in school and dragging it home? Why not sell that art to the grandparents? Sign them up for a monthly special, with automatic deductions from their checking account. You may as well do it, before someone scams them out of their money and steals your inheritance.
7. As soon as someone you know sneezes, casually ask if they have a Last Will and Testament and that if they honored you by leaving their estate to you, you'd consider naming a room in your house after them. If they act at all offended, tell them that you can't believe that they didn't know that you were kidding, they NEVER got your sense of humor and don't appreciate you at all. While they're busy apologizing to you, confirm that they have the proper spelling of your name.
8. Start charging a "dream appearance fee". My friend John says that if someone dreams about him, they owe him $25. No one will argue with you when you suggest it beacuse they will think that you're crazy and deranged and $25 seems like a fair price to be spared being massacred.
9. Guests for dinner brought a bottle of wine? Hope they brought some cash, too, because there's a corkage fee!
10. Figure out how to achieve world peace. People will pay big money for that.
Good luck!
It has come to my attention that many people are worried about the Recession. Because nothing is more important to me than helping others, I am proud to present
Tips for the Recession: Cutting Costs and Making Money!
1. Why not cut your grocery expenses by sending your kids to eat dinner at their friends'? Be sure to tell them to compliment the cook excessively, kissing tips of their fingertips and all that shit, so that the cook (ok, who are we kidding with this PC-crap, so that the MOM) will offer to send a doggy bag home, too!
2. When it's time to retaliate, I mean, reciprocate, serve brussel sprouts souffle and fish lasagna to the visiting child. Offer leftovers.
3. Instead of taking the whole family to the museum or the zoo, have a monthly designee. One person goes, takes everything in and then spends the rest of the day describing it to the rest of the family. So, if you're a family of four, it saves the price of three admissions, plus less bickering! Plus, it leaves the rest of the family free for wholesome television watching! I swear, this is one of those tips that we;ll be using even in the bull market.
4. Adopt a no-gift policy for the rest of the year (especially useful for some of us, who already celebrated their birthdays and cleaned up on the gifts).
4a. If someone insists on gifts for their birthday, schedule a fight shortly before the event to ensure thay you are not on speaking terms by that time. You can always send a belated "Sorry and Happy Birthday" ecard.
4b. If for some reason you can't weasel out of this gift giving stuff, tell the recipient that you made a donation in their name to some worthy organization. Like the Feed Marinka and Keep Her Liquored Up foundation. IRC 501(c)(3) status approval pending.
5. You know how in church they pass out that basket "for the poor"? That's you now, help yourself!
6. Kids drawing crap every day in school and dragging it home? Why not sell that art to the grandparents? Sign them up for a monthly special, with automatic deductions from their checking account. You may as well do it, before someone scams them out of their money and steals your inheritance.
7. As soon as someone you know sneezes, casually ask if they have a Last Will and Testament and that if they honored you by leaving their estate to you, you'd consider naming a room in your house after them. If they act at all offended, tell them that you can't believe that they didn't know that you were kidding, they NEVER got your sense of humor and don't appreciate you at all. While they're busy apologizing to you, confirm that they have the proper spelling of your name.
8. Start charging a "dream appearance fee". My friend John says that if someone dreams about him, they owe him $25. No one will argue with you when you suggest it beacuse they will think that you're crazy and deranged and $25 seems like a fair price to be spared being massacred.
9. Guests for dinner brought a bottle of wine? Hope they brought some cash, too, because there's a corkage fee!
10. Figure out how to achieve world peace. People will pay big money for that.
Good luck!
Labels: Everyone is insane
posted by Marinka at
1:22 PM
28 Comments:
Nice tip on the corkage fee. I like that idea a lot.
The corkage fee and the church tips are simply brilliant.
I'm all over the brussel sprout souffle and fish lasagna. Fabulous tip. They all are!!!!
And that's why my kids are over eating Easter ham with the neighbors.
You really should be on "The Today Show".
Thanks for the tips. I hope I won't be billed a readers fee.
Thanks for the tips. Especially the church basket one. Because I am about to go to Easter mass, and have not been to mass in years. So, I may as well take what's due to me.
Brilliant! Now about that fish lasagna - could you share that recipe?
Very funny. My BFF in Tn had a friend when she lived in Atlanta that always dropped by when her kids were hungry. Who is not going to offer to feed two small boys who keep whining they are hungry. She knew she had food to feed her kids because she was snooping when my BFF wasn't home. She had given her a key which she took away when she realized she was coming over and helping herself to the loose change in a jar or a block of cheese, etc.
Damn - I'm having people over and I forgot to give them advance notice of the corkage fee! :-)
You'll also want to start charging a fee to use the restroom -- $1.00 for #1, $2.50 for #2 and they need to clean the toilet afterwards. You'll save money AND hard work!
Love the corkage fee! Great post.
Love the corkage fee! Great post.
Excellent! We are on the same page, Marinka. I'm already doing a few of these, and I'll start the rest tomorrow.
Totally boning up on 4b. Really ... I NEED that liquor fund, how else am I supposed to do a drunken rant in chat?
Mind if I send my daughter over to yours for the week? It would really help me out, and I know you like helping others.
Seriously, when we were first married, we'd eat supper at my parent's house and a friend's house during the week to stretch the groceries.
Corkage fee = brilliant.
I also love iMommy's idea of charging to use the restroom.
My husband tried to get me to vacuum my minivan instead of taking it to the car wash. Whatever.
Awesome tips, if I institute #3 - I'm going to also make it seem like a chore so that I'm the one who ALWAYS has to go.
Thanks for the tips!
But why stop at sending the kids to the neighbors for dinner?
Why not just send them for the day and save on babysitting too?
i think we need to dump timothy geithner, and install marinka as the new treasury secretary.
See now, if I was just rich...I wouldn't have to worry about these;)
#9 was my FAVORITE!!!!!!!!!!
I don't have kids, so how do you suggest I go about getting myself invited over to friends' houses on a regular basis?
#3 made me laugh out loud. Brilliance.
I already suggested giving the kids up for adoption but what I didn't add was then ask for them back but only after they graduate from college and make sure they have expectations or desire to go to grad school
And never once did you mention giving up Starbucks. You are both brilliant and kind.
Please don't tell Hugh Jackman about the dream fee. I can't afford to pay him dozens of dollars. Hundreds. Thous...oh, never mind. Just don't tell him.
Marinka,
You need a TV show.
#s 1, 8, and 9 I Love.
Surely I could make a shitload of money off my husband on the dream thing. Think about it. Even if he's not dreaming of me every night, he can't admit that ever, so he simply has to pay up.
New Manolos for Mamma.
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