Sunday, April 26, 2009

Pearls Before Swine, without the Pearls and Hopefully without the Swine

So I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I think that Husbandrinka is trying to outlive me. Like on purpose.  You'd think he'd be one of those "I don't want to live without you" husbands, but that would only be because you've never met him.  A few years ago he started this health and fitness plan and lost tons of weight and I have to remind him that if at any point his thighs are thinner than mine, it's over.  I'm pretty sure he's doing this so that he can marry someone younger and prettier, but I may be slightly paranoid.  Hey, did I tell you about the pet pig that he just bought me?  It seems to be under the weather, but Husbandrinka reassures me that I can nurse it back to health.

Anyway.  This morning I saw him weighing himself on the scale and I snuck behind him and put my big toe on the scale and he looked at the numbers and said "I seem to have gained sixty pounds last week," so of course I started laughing like an idiot and  confessed to toe-ing the scale.  And he said "oh", and just reweighed himself.

But this is what I don't understand.  If you got on the scale and you weighed sixty more pounds than you weighed last week, would you be so matter of fact about it?  And also, why does my toe weigh sixty pounds? What am I, an elephant?

Speaking of elephants, I hate to use my Jew card, but this swine flu is totally not for me.  Really, it's like the last thing that I need right now.  And I would really appreciate it if it didn't turn into a pandemic because that's not a good environment for me.  Or my giant toe.


Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

Maybe your stomach is in your toe, a sort of freak genetic anomaly that really ought to be seen to.

[squirms slightly, wondering if he should mention the 60 pounds thing, I mean, would Marinka have eaten 60 pounds of food and would that have managed to fit in her toe?]

April 26, 2009 at 1:49 PM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

Maybe Husbandrinka is a late blooming manorexic? And maybe that pet pig (huh? for real??) stepped in behind you, sounds like what Mercy Watson would do! Little toast with lots of butter eating minx!

Ye Gods! The swine flu is freaking me out too!

April 26, 2009 at 3:40 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

No pandemics, so not fun. So not conducive to running out for essentials like caffeine and ice cream.

That line about him buying you a sick pig was classic.

April 26, 2009 at 4:04 PM  
Blogger SweetPeaSurry said...

LMHO @ the giant elephant toe! Do elephants have toes? Are they painted pink? If not ... they should be! Oh ... and elephants should be able to fly too!

April 26, 2009 at 5:16 PM  
Blogger lizspin said...

Yes, that pig flu is very, very, inconvenient!!!

April 26, 2009 at 5:36 PM  
Blogger Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

The elephant toe pandemic perhaps. You don't know you have it until it's too late, and you've gained 60 lbs.

April 26, 2009 at 5:37 PM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

Unless of course you're the originator of the pandemic flu..that would be kinda neat for your rep.

April 26, 2009 at 8:30 PM  
Blogger Nap Warden said...

Wow...elephant toe. That hasn't hit here yet;P

April 26, 2009 at 11:30 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

There are so many things you say that I want to reuse; however, the opportunity rarely comes up. Damnnit!

April 27, 2009 at 5:38 AM  
Blogger KekeLynn said...

Wow that's one big toe. If my scale said I weighed sixty pounds more than the previous week I think I'd be running through the streets screaming.

April 27, 2009 at 8:32 AM  
Anonymous Kibbles said...

There is a simple solution to this:
feed him a nightly steak while you eat an exclusive spinach diet.

Definitely worth the expense and you'll show him in no time!
Lets see who will qualify for the upgrade then!
(No one should get to take sixty pounds so lightly. He is now on my hit list.)

April 27, 2009 at 11:06 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

A HA! If your big toe weighs 60 lbs, mine must weigh 80. I'm cutting that F*&ker off and I'm going to be back at my 5th grade weight in no time. Nevermind the needing it for balance thing - that's not really true, is it?

April 27, 2009 at 11:41 AM  
Blogger bernthis said...

there have been seven cases in the entire state of CA. Sorry but that is not an epidemic to me. UH-oh, did I just jin...oh...I.....

I'm back. Thought I had it there for a moment turns out I passed out at the thought of a pork chop.

April 28, 2009 at 2:27 AM  
Blogger Janet said...

"And also, why does my toe weigh sixty pounds? What am I, an elephant?" Those lines right there had me in tears.

April 28, 2009 at 10:27 AM  
Blogger SSQuo said...

Oh forget your toe! Hows the piggie doing? :P

April 28, 2009 at 5:28 PM  
Blogger CSY said...

Ok, I've heard of camel toe, but elephant toe? Is that something we'd get as we go crazy? If so, can I get one of those pretty white coats that helps me hug myself? I may need it...

April 29, 2009 at 10:27 AM  
Blogger iMommy said...

If I weighed an extra sixty pounds one week, I would absolutely freak out, even if I did eat an entire german chocolate cake as well as an ice cream cake all by myself that week. Seriously.

May 13, 2009 at 8:50 PM  

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