Pearls Before Swine, without the Pearls and Hopefully without the Swine
So I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I think that Husbandrinka is trying to outlive me. Like on purpose. You'd think he'd be one of those "I don't want to live without you" husbands, but that would only be because you've never met him. A few years ago he started this health and fitness plan and lost tons of weight and I have to remind him that if at any point his thighs are thinner than mine, it's over. I'm pretty sure he's doing this so that he can marry someone younger and prettier, but I may be slightly paranoid. Hey, did I tell you about the pet pig that he just bought me? It seems to be under the weather, but Husbandrinka reassures me that I can nurse it back to health.
Anyway. This morning I saw him weighing himself on the scale and I snuck behind him and put my big toe on the scale and he looked at the numbers and said "I seem to have gained sixty pounds last week," so of course I started laughing like an idiot and confessed to toe-ing the scale. And he said "oh", and just reweighed himself.
But this is what I don't understand. If you got on the scale and you weighed sixty more pounds than you weighed last week, would you be so matter of fact about it? And also, why does my toe weigh sixty pounds? What am I, an elephant?
Speaking of elephants, I hate to use my Jew card, but this swine flu is totally not for me. Really, it's like the last thing that I need right now. And I would really appreciate it if it didn't turn into a pandemic because that's not a good environment for me. Or my giant toe.
posted by Marinka at
12:57 PM
17 Comments:
Maybe your stomach is in your toe, a sort of freak genetic anomaly that really ought to be seen to.
[squirms slightly, wondering if he should mention the 60 pounds thing, I mean, would Marinka have eaten 60 pounds of food and would that have managed to fit in her toe?]
Maybe Husbandrinka is a late blooming manorexic? And maybe that pet pig (huh? for real??) stepped in behind you, sounds like what Mercy Watson would do! Little toast with lots of butter eating minx!
Ye Gods! The swine flu is freaking me out too!
No pandemics, so not fun. So not conducive to running out for essentials like caffeine and ice cream.
That line about him buying you a sick pig was classic.
LMHO @ the giant elephant toe! Do elephants have toes? Are they painted pink? If not ... they should be! Oh ... and elephants should be able to fly too!
Yes, that pig flu is very, very, inconvenient!!!
The elephant toe pandemic perhaps. You don't know you have it until it's too late, and you've gained 60 lbs.
Unless of course you're the originator of the pandemic flu..that would be kinda neat for your rep.
Wow...elephant toe. That hasn't hit here yet;P
There are so many things you say that I want to reuse; however, the opportunity rarely comes up. Damnnit!
Wow that's one big toe. If my scale said I weighed sixty pounds more than the previous week I think I'd be running through the streets screaming.
There is a simple solution to this:
feed him a nightly steak while you eat an exclusive spinach diet.
Definitely worth the expense and you'll show him in no time!
Lets see who will qualify for the upgrade then!
(No one should get to take sixty pounds so lightly. He is now on my hit list.)
A HA! If your big toe weighs 60 lbs, mine must weigh 80. I'm cutting that F*&ker off and I'm going to be back at my 5th grade weight in no time. Nevermind the needing it for balance thing - that's not really true, is it?
there have been seven cases in the entire state of CA. Sorry but that is not an epidemic to me. UH-oh, did I just jin...oh...I.....
I'm back. Thought I had it there for a moment turns out I passed out at the thought of a pork chop.
"And also, why does my toe weigh sixty pounds? What am I, an elephant?" Those lines right there had me in tears.
Oh forget your toe! Hows the piggie doing? :P
Ok, I've heard of camel toe, but elephant toe? Is that something we'd get as we go crazy? If so, can I get one of those pretty white coats that helps me hug myself? I may need it...
If I weighed an extra sixty pounds one week, I would absolutely freak out, even if I did eat an entire german chocolate cake as well as an ice cream cake all by myself that week. Seriously.
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