Mammograminka

I'm pretty sure that The Moron's Guide to Blogging says that you're supposed to write blog posts that keep everyone in suspense, but let me just get to the money shot-I had a mammogram this morning and everything is fine. There. You can leave the post now and not worry about me. (It's entirely possible, by the way, that I, and the rest of the free world have a different understanding of the term "money shot"). But you should worry about you, because what assurance will you have that I'm not going to talk about you in the very next paragraph? None at all.

Anyway, I go get a mammogram every year because once I felt a lump and I didn't do anything for like two years, except feel my breast throughout the day regardless of where I was to see if the lump was still there or not. And when you do that, people look at you like you're a fucking weirdo instead of a General Hospital-trained para-medical professional. During the two year period I kept telling myself that I was a moron and that if I'd only gone in two years ago, one year ago, a month ago, last week, to have it checked out, it would have been better than it was by that point. And although I heartily agreed with myself that I was, indeed, a moron, I remained unable to take action. During this two year period my lump would appear and disappear at will, sometimes switching breasts, which led John to refer to it as the Mexican Jumping Bean Breast Lump. Fortunately, it turned out to be nothing, but the years that I'd spent worrying and torturing everyone within whining distance about it made me commit to getting an annual mammogram.

I hope that I don't have to go on about how important mammograms and breast self-exams are, because this isn't one of those blogs. But visit here for more information.

What I offer is a way that the Mammograms-R-Us Center that I visited can make the experience less stressful for me.

1. When I make the appointment, don't say "I'll try to squeeze you in." But if I say, "Could you squeeze me in?" laugh maniacally.

2. I know everyone's making cutbacks, but why do I now get a bolero-style paper gown, as opposed to a full-length one? Also, please provide full-length paper burkhas.

3. Give me some lead time in telling me to hold my breath while taking the film, so that I can inhale.

4. Also don't say, "just stop breathing". Because I'm like an oxygen addict at this point.

5. When telling me that you need additional films, try to limit your chit chat with the technician about last night's meal. Because hearing "additional films" makes most women want to throw up.

6. In waiting room, replace mints with Xanax.

7. In waiting room, replace chairs with Xanax.

8. Fill water coolers with vodka.

9. Don't pause two feet in front of me with my file in your hand and make small talk with someone else before giving me the results.

10.Instead of sitting there with a "I-smell-sour-shit" expression, the receptionists should approach women waiting for their results and engage them in in-depth conversation about Rock of Love Bus and how infuckingsane everyone on that show is.

Oh, by the way that reader that skipped out of the post after the first paragraph? Huge whore.